Changes

Time for an update sorry it has been so long.  First off our little family welcomed Avery our son on October 25th into the world.  He was born a month early but he came out just fine and he is amazing.  I love him so much, here he is with his sister.

Secondly my twin sister has finally gotten a new Kidney, she had her surgery on Christmas day. It was a true Christmas Miracle. Now we are just trying to raise money to help my sister and her family pay for all the medical bills.

Family wise we are doing great, Heather lives with us only one or two days in the week the rest of the week she is staying with her father. Originally she moved in to help take care of her Mother who was ill but sadly she passed away the day before Avery was born.  Once her Father is settled and ready she will move back in permanently but we really don't know how long that could be. 

My Twin Sisters Christmas Miracle

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Fighting So Hard

I don't know why I fight so hard, everything does not need to be so hard but I make it that way.  My head can honestly make such a simple thing into something so complicated and I don't know how to stop that.

I feel better lately less streesed and more centered which is such a big relief but I know I still have a ways to go.  I think I really just want my life to be much less complicated, I think I also wish I understood the people around me better.  Like Heather I wonder why she does things, like why does she stay.  I can't see that she gets much out of being here, she does not hang around with us much and she is almost always at her parents.  I'm not saying I want to push her out the door but I just wonder what is keeping her here. It can't just be Rob because I think more often then not she is just annoyed with him, there has to be something else.

With Rob I wonder what he sees in me, I feel so much like a big conflicted mess of emotions and neediness.  I don't want to do so much that I drive him crazy but I don't want to do so little he forgets I love him. It's so nuts and I know I am making is so much more difficult then it needs to be but I can't seem to help myself. Right not I feel like I can't see much good in myself how can he see good in me.  I know he loves me and sees a lot of great in me I just have to find away to see that in myself again.

I wish I could be newly in love again exploring all that has to offer.  Everything is so uncomplicated and relaxed, you just think about the here and now and when your next going to be able to see that person.  Feel their love and taste their passion, there is so little fight involved you just go and feel.

What I have in my life is really good I know that, I do wish that things where not so complicated but honestly that will never happen. What you really have to wish for is that you have the right people around you so that when your life does go to shit they will be there to help you get back up and going again.  You want them to know you so you don't have to explain everything and they can just work beside you.  You have to wish for a partner that has your back and still loves you even though you have all this messed up crap. It has to be seamless and put together as if it was meant to be, so you can really lean back when your hurting and know that person will know how to bring you back. I love Rob for everything that he does for me, I want him to think more but I know I need to give more too so he will know what he needs to be thinking about. It's time for me to stop fighting so hard and just let myself be me.

Fear

When we started our relationship I gave Rob all of the power, with out even meaning to. He told me that he would not be able to handle me seeing other men, I could date women but not men. I said yes because honestly I am not really interested in having another relationship with a man and because I wanted to be with him. My ultimate goal is to be in a relationship with him, me and another girl. That way no one is left out and we can all experience the relationship. For him he is allowed to date who ever he wants women or man (not that he would he is not interested in men). By letting him place this limit on me I gave him the power instead of us being in an equal relationship he has the freedom and I don’t. As time has gone by I find this has slowly been starting to grate on me, every time I have to make some concession and he gets to go do what he wants it grates more. I agreed to all of this in the beginning but I realize now that I should not have. I honestly don’t want to date another man but having that rule put on me just makes it seem like an unfair rule when he gets to be so free.

Yesterday I was driving home from watching a movie and suddenly I realized that I don’t think well enough of myself to know I deserve better. I love Rob don’t get me wrong but I am so afraid to stand up for myself because I am afraid to lose him and my life, even though I deserve better. With the miscarriage in August I really needed him to be there for me for anything, love, affection, encouragement, anything. But not even a month after he starts talking to girl and not even a month after that he starts talking to another girl. Now the first girl is out of the picture but the second one is very much still there. I really needed him to just be there for me, just like I wanted to be there for him. But that did not happen; he lost himself in these girls putting me in a really stressful position. I of course told him its ok to talk to these girls because I am so afraid he will become bitter and sad if I don’t let him be free and also because I don’t think well enough of myself to say I need you with me right now. I can’t imagine that he would give it all up for me right now and be happy. I just don’t think that I am good enough; I can’t believe I feel this way but I do. I have never really let myself look at how I am living and see that I have pushed myself into a place I don’t want to be. I think in my head I was hoping that he would look at how things where going and say, hey this is really not the best time to be staring a relationship maybe I should focus on what is happening in my existing relationships. But he did not he just went merrily on his way, which is really just him he never things about the consequences he does not like too. I kept thinking things would end quickly with this girl because it seemed like she was a short time spice person but things seem to be shaping up to be much longer.

This could all be fixed if I just said something to Rob about how I feel and what he is doing but I just cant seem to because I am just so afraid. It does not help things that his relationship with his wife is not going well either, but he does not want to talk to her about it because he is scared. I just hate the fact that our relationship has turned into one of fear, we should all be here for one another and we are not. We are slowly burning our bridges and we need to stop the fires before we cant get back.

Into Account

It is so easy to run to something new then to deal with something old. I think maybe its best to get a handle on what you have going on at home before you start looking outside.

I think I may need to wait before I make any changes to my life I might just be jumping the gun, maybe fate was trying to say something to me. If only everyone could see that same fact and take it into account.

Surprise

I have never been surprised by someone I love.  I have never had some one send me flowers at home or at work, I have never gotten a surprise visit while at work.  No guy has ever asked me out, and when it came time for marriage there was no surprise proposal from Rob or Dave.  No "Hey I have this romantic dinner planed or this late night stroll come and see" nothing like that.

The reason this came to mind was because last night Rob went and surprised someone at their work and all I could think is "Wow that is so cute, they look so happy. Surprises are so great" "Why has this never happened to me." I just don't know why I always have to do the pursuing.

I watched all these surprise proposals, birthday gifts, baby announcements and here's your boyfriend who you thought was away videos on YouTube and it just made me sad. Dancing, singing, flash mobs, cards with fun messages, clues that led you to a hidden place everything you could think of as a surprise.  Its all about telling this special someone that you think they are so amazing you can't help but show them how much and brighten their day.

With Dave for our 2nd anniversary I left notes for him all over the house all week long with things that I loved about him.  With Rob I have shown up places with surprise lunchs and sent pictures with little hints about special surprises hidden away for him.

I know this is all just a little disjointed but I just really wanted to put my feelings down and say that I just wish I had some fun and good surprises in my life.

Clash Of Kings (COK)

This weekend is one of my favorite Dagorhir event Clash Of Kings.  I look forward to it every year since it started this will be the forth year that its being run.  The group that started it is called Winterfell which for the people who read geek books and the HBO watches will know is from the Game of Thrones book series. 

I need this weekend like I have never needed a Dag event before, I need a break and to escape to my favorite place "Fantasy".  The event is three days long and its at a campground with rustic style cabins.  Which means they are really not meant for the fall and winter months, because its COLD!  But strangely I don't mind I kind of love it, it makes me feel alive.  I get to dress up in my fighting gear and beat the crap out of my friends and people I have just meet and not worry about going to jail.  Then I get to put on my beautiful dress garb and go to a yummy feast with all of the people I just beat on and laugh about it.  I love that feeling of being with people who are like me who get that same feeling when they put on their garb and step into our fantasy world.

One of my best friends is also going to be having her hand fasting at the event, its going to be so beautiful.  She has asked my twin sister and I to sing "Beggars to God" at the ceremony, I am so honored to be able to do this for her.

I am just counting the hours until I leave tonight, its going to be a blast.

If anyone is looking for their own fantasy escape with fun and fighting look for a Dagorhir group near you, or heck look for any other group like it.  Finding this sport has changed my life and given me so many friends and loved ones, I hope the same happiness for everyone.

In My Head

I still feel overwhelmed sometimes like I just can't get a hold of what's going on around me.  I don't want to feel like I am messed up in the head but I don't know how to fix it.  Normally I feel like I am pretty good at dealing with where my head is at but for once I feel out of control.