A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

So I just found this song again today when I was looking for lyrics of another song and it hit me how much it fits with my life right now. I love it so much, it's so short but it holds so much of how I feel and hope that it really resonates with me. I'm happy I stumbled upon it.

Steps

I feel like I am starting to take steps in the right direction and it's really giving me a true sense of hope.

Today I gave my cats to my brother, this very much makes me sad but I know that he will love them and make sure they are taken care of. I knew after I told Dave I was leaving that he would not keep them but I was always hoping he would so they could be with one of their parents. I wish so much that I could take them but I can't because I am moving in with a friend who is very allergic to them. I have to be willing to give up something I truly love in this sense so that I can have something great.

I know I am doing better that my emotions are starting to settle and that makes me sooooo happy I hate being all emotional. I do wish parts of my life where easier mainly because I am just so tired and want things to be smother but hard just seems to be the way life is.

My biggest issue right now is really just loneliness at night, I need something to sleep with anything to just hold. I once saw a big pillow shaped like a kitty and I wanted it so bad but I did not get it, I truly wish that I had it would be so nice to just snuggle up with that at night. It's getting so hard for me to sleep at night, at my sisters house I sleep like 4 to 5 hours then when her husband goes to work I crawl into bed with her and sleep for another hour maybe. At my friends I sleep a little better but I still wake up at night sometimes and have to read something or play one of my video games because I just can't sleep, plus it's a little scary sometimes. I don't like to whine because it's a stupid fear but I'm afraid of the dark and here I am sleeping in a basement which can get pretty dark and scary. It's childish but when I have a stuffed animal I tend to feel safer, they seem to just give you a sense of not being alone.

Oh well maybe I can find one at some point but I have more important things to spend my money on then a stuffed cat that I can snuggle with because I am a big sissy.

Jealousy

This is a topic I never wanted to talk about, mainly because it sucks and I try so hard for it to not to run my life. I usually don't have strong feelings of jealousy I'm able to think thru them and move on, there is always a feeling behind jealousy you just have to find it and deal with it.

When it comes to the men I date I am good with them being with other women because I know that they still love me and that I still will get sex from them too. Yesterday for the first time in a very long time I had a strong pang of jealousy and it keeps wanting to nag at me. I was never jealous of these people never I could look at them and not care it was only right after all that they act this way but yesterday something was said that just made a pain shot thru me. Afterwards I tried to sit down and think about it calmly and I know why it bothered me, because I am no longer getting the same in return.

The feelings involved are sadness, anger, and the strongest emotion is the feeling of being left out. Know that I know what is driving this maybe I can work on it; I really hope I can because right now every time I think of it another pain ripples around in my head. I am stronger then this and I can work thru it. Until then I am going to try to stick to my list and think of the good things in my life and take a deep breath.

List

So here is what I need to do.

1. Relax
2. Stop pushing
3. Take one day at a time
4. Actually open my mouth
5. Give up a little for a lot
6. Look at the good
7. Make some of my own way
8. Work at work
9. Breath
10. Give it time

Empty

I feel empty for some reason, I have a lot of reasons it could be but I really don't know which reason it could be. I'm trying really hard to not be down I don't like being down I like being happy and full of energy. But I feel like I have lost something in that sense like some amount of my life is being sucked out of me.

I have to give up something I really enjoy and I don't want to, I feel like there is no point because I am never going to get it back. I think the rule will always be in place because things will never be good enough for it to go away. I know that there is a point to this and that I am letting my sadness get the better of me but right now I really can't find it in me to care.

I'm really sick of crying I feel like that's all I do some times, my emotions are so up and down right now. I wonder if I need to talk to someone who can help me but I really don't have the money to pay for something like that. I can't help but think I am going to do this and then it will not make a difference I will still lose in the end.

I hate this so much I am not this person I just want to be myself again, I don't want to lose everything including myself.

Grow up

It's time for me to grow up and stop whining. My life is not that bad, I have a place to stay people who care about me, a good job and a great family.

I need to let people help me, letting them in is not going to get me hurt It will only help make my life even better. I need to learn to trust I have to let the fears of being yelled at go away, lying is no longer a part of my life I'm going to be honest and up front. I am going to make this work, I want this, I have been dreaming of this my whole life.

Time for Chandra Rae Blair to grow up and be a part of something.

Scream

I'm so tired I really just don't want to deal with this stuff anymore. I love the life I have chosen but I just want it to be alright right now, this very moment. I am sick of being sad, angry, lonely, and sorry because I am all of those things and it feels like it's killing me sometimes. It's tearing me up making me wonder what is really right, I'm so happy at times so very happy but at others I fell like I could just cry forever.

I hate this emo crap, I'm not like this I'm strong, nice, happy I don't get this sad, so very sad that I.... god what the fuck am I saying. I don't want to be here, I don't want to hide every move I make every emotion, I want to scream, rip and just ball my eyeballs out. Why can't this be easy why can't I just take the easy road why does it always have to be the hard way Chandra, are you just dumb? Who is this person, I'm so not her but I feel like this and I can't seem to stop it.

I am so gloriously happy with the my heart just out there I just don't want it to be snatched away told to get over it find something new I can't do this I just can't.

Please don't hurt me, I can't fit on this page how much I don't want to lose this. Please who ever is there whatever is there don't let this hurt me and the people I love.

Feelings

God feelings are all I am dealing with right now in some ways it's wonderful in others it's craptaculer. I am so happy my heart could burst everything seems so right as if this is how it should be but at the same time I am also dealing with some pretty deep crap too.

You know I don't know why I bother writing in this anymore no one reads it anyway's and I am to afraid someone will read it that I don't want so I can't really say what I want. My life has so much going on right now and I would like to write about it, writing makes me feel so much better. Letting my thoughts, fears, and just general feelings spill out on this page really does help me get everything straight.

Like right now I am mad, its for a bad reason but I am so mad. I want something and I can't have it because someone else seems to be playing the waiting game, how long can you go. It's wrong of me to be so mad, really wrong but I don't want to lie I am just seething. Its all some game that I just don't want to play but I'm playing anyways because I have no choice, I have to because most of the time I am so so happy with this choice.

I was so happy earlier today, just sitting on the bench of the park. I wanted so bad to be able to stay there all night but I could not, I had places to go and people to see. I had fun don't get me wrong but if I had my choice I would have stayed on that park bench all night just enjoying myself and getting lost in the moment. Now I really just want to scream "GO ALREADY, JUST FUCKING GO!!!!!" You know what, I give up you win goodnight....... I am so mean I should not be but right now I just don't fucking give a shit.

Poly

My life has taken some pretty interesting turns in the last couple of months I've already talked about my Divorce but there is still a lot I have not gone in too. I guess the biggest thing would have to be that I am know living in a polyamourus relationship. For anyone who does not know what Polyamourus means here is a definition.

Polyamory (from poly=multiple + amor=love) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Right know I am with a man and his wife, I have been friends with them for years so it's not like we just meet. It has not been easy sadly I started this relationship with cheating and in the Poly world that is pretty bad. Most people say poly relationships that come from cheating don't make it, I really hope that in our cause that's not true. I am very much in love with the man involved and his wife who is my best friend. Nothing sexual is between me and wife we are just good friends and I hope to stay that way for along time. Things where really hard at first and still are at times, the lying for so long really hurt wife and pretty much lost any trust she had in me and husband.

We are in the very start of this so it's very scary and new but I know in my heart that this is what I want in my life. I want to be with husband and wife for the rest of my life, I love husband with all my heart and I don't think he would be the same person if he was not with wife so I would never want to take him away from her.

Right now I have found a community of people who have been very helpful to me in this strange but happy new lifestyle. I have also done a few colums for their page under my username Catanya. That's all I'm ready to post about this right now but believe me there will be more later.

A Girl

A girl once said to a boy. "Do you like me?"
He said "no."
The girl said "Am I pretty?"
He said "no."
She finally said "If I walked away would you cry?"
The boy said "no"
Having heard enought the girl turned away, the boy stoped her and said.
"I don't like you I love you, Your not pretty your beautiful, and if you walked away I would not cry I would die."

Sex Revisited

I knew I would come back to this subject at some point, I guess now is a good time. So sex has changed for me of course mainly because I am no longer with my husband, we are not divorced yet but we no longer spend any time together. Thus no sex. Most people know why I am getting a divorce, my husband says its because I cheated on him and in part he is right I did cheat on him but that is not the true reason.

For years he has ignored my needs sexually and emotionally, he can be very callus when it comes to someone else's feelings. I am a very free thinking wife I told him he could sleep with other women as long as our marriage did not suffer from it. It did, he would be all for sleeping with these girls but when it came time for me to ask he would most times say no. When we did have sex it was usually short and most of the times it was giving him a blow job, which by the end I was happy doing since it was quicker and less disappointing then sex. Emotionally it was hard we lived with my parents for two years because he lost his job and most of the time he was jerky and none caring. I understand part of the he was depressed but he was not even trying to find a job, as much as he hated being in my parents house he loved not having to work. It was so hard for me, he did not listen to what I had to say and he would always just give in never really give his point. Plus the baby thing was a big deal to me, I have wanted a baby for so long and he really just kept putting me off. He told me once he found a job or we got our own place we would start trying, so he got a job and we got our own place and what did he say.... not yet.

Ug enough with that, this is about sex. So as I said I cheated on my husband, it happens most of the time when things are bad in your marriage. But the man I cheated with oh was he good with the sex oh so good. I have not been with a lot of men, three to be correct but this one oh god was he a keeper. He really knows how everything goes and how to really make you go that extra mile. The best think about him I would have to say is the kissing he kisses so well, just the right amount of tongue and oh so nice lips. I liked feeling every time like I was kissing for the first time, he gave that to me. He also helped me bring back my aggressive side when it came to sex, I had been hiding that for far to long.

For all of this there was a great deal of love there as well, when I was with him I felt better. Right now that's what I could really use, I want to feel comfort. Arms wrapped around me, gentle kisses on my neck, I want to feel that all night long. I am sick to death of being alone at night it is killing me ever so slowly, I need that closeness and yet its so far for me. I want sweet gentle loving sex, with passion behind it that is what I crave at this point. I'm being silly I know it I love sex, all kinds of sex but for some reason right now what I want most is just love and if I can get that with sex too, yippee.

Zombie LARP

So Friday, and Saturday I went to a zombie LARP and it was so much fun even without the Zombies. The whole thing was being run by my sister and her husband, the whole point is that you would be fighting zombies at night with boffers and Nerf guns. So it's looking like its going to be really cool everyone has neat outfits and amazing weapons, then my sister passes out. I am with my two friends at Wally world getting the last of the stuff we need when I get the call. Sara my sister has passed out she is being taken to the hospital and that we should go to the land for the LARP and stay there. I sigh because on Wednesday I passed out at work from a pretty vicious flu and am taken to the hospital, so I worry that I have made my poor sister sick.

So we all go back to the land and everyone is there and we are trying to figure out what to do while we are waiting. We decide that we are going to do Nerf wars around the the camp site and and old trailer on the land. We have a blast, running around shooting the other team, having sieges on the trailer. In the end it was a fantastic time with out killing one zombie, we are so going to have to do it again.

Oh my sister is fine, she was just taken of some meds to early and that caused her blood presure to go to high and she passed out. She got back tierd but happy and we hung out for alittle bit before we went home.

Thursday

Thursdays are important to me they are my day to do what I want. I can drive anywhere I want to, sit around the house watching movies, or hang out and do things with the people I want. Today was Thursday I had a great time I went shopping with a friend then got a nice massage and then came home to rest and eat some dinner with more friends. All of this was great but one person I wanted to spend time with I could not, this is my normal day with them and yet the time I needed was not able to be given. I am not complaining I understand I was doing something else and so where they but I don't know I sort of wanted to see them and get those moments together.

I love the people who are around me right now, everyone I care about is here but I still feel a little sad. I have come to think of Thursdays as a special day and yet today I still had fun but I wanted to be with this person more. I am going to stop going on about this it's stupid and I know it, its late I'm tired and I am feeling silly and girly. I will be fine, happiness will abound in the me again it's not like I had a bad day. I will get a good nights rest and hopefully I will wake up less silly and with another Thursday to look forward to.

Silly Quiz

Basics:
Name:	Chandra
Date of Birth:	November 7, 1981
Birthplace:	Rochester
Current Location:	Buffalo
Eye Color:	Hazel
Hair Color:	Drak brown red
Height:	5'10"
Heritage:	French
Piercings:	Ears 6 Gage
Tattoos:	One Pony on the back of my neck
Favourite:
Band/Singer:	Regina Spektor
Song:	Samson
Movie:	Anything M. Night Shamalon
Disney Movie:	Beauty and the Beast
TV show:	Heroes
Color:	Purple
Food:	Ice Cream
Pizza topping:	Peperoni
Ice-Cream Flavor:	Mint Chocolate
Drink (alcoholic):	Mikes hard leminade
Soda:	Diet Pepsi
Store:	Torrid
Clothing Brand:	Lane Bryant
Shoe Brand:	Nike
Season:	Fall
Month:	October
Holiday/Festival:	Halloween
Flower:	Rose
Make-Up Item:	Blush
Board game:	Clue
This or That
Sunny or rainy:	Rainy
Chocolate or vanilla:	Chocolate
Fruit or veggie:	Fruit
Night or day:	Night
Sour or sweet:	Sweet
Love or money:	Love
Phone or in person:	In Person
Looks or personality:	Personality
Coffee or tea:	Tea
Hot or cold:	Cold
Your:
Goal for this year:	Get through it
Most missed memory:	Times spent with my friends in high school
Best physical feature:	Smile
First thought waking up:	Lily stop pating my head (cat)
Hypothetical personality disorder:	Fear of commitment
Preferred type of plastic surgery:	Breast Lift (When I'm old)
Sesame street alter ego:	Elmo
Fairytale alter ego:	Belle (Can't help it I love to read)
Most stupid remark:	Pop the pump hole
Worst crime:	I know but no one else needs to
Greatest ambition:	Sing
Greatest fear:	That I'll be alone
Darkest secret:	Yuck great deals of stupidness
Favorite subject:	Books
Strangest received gift:
Worst habit:	I talk over people sometimes
Do You:
Smoke:	No
Drink:	Yes
Curse:	Yes so do
Shower daily:	Yes
Like thunderstorms:	Oh Yes
Dance in the rain:	When I can
Sing:	Yes
Play an instrument:	Nope a little piano I guess
Get along with your parents:	Yes
Wish on stars:	Not much anymore
Believe in fate:	Yes
Believe in love at first sight:	Yes...... sigh
Can You:
Drive:	Yes
Sew:	A little, a very little buttons mainly
Cook:	Ah some
Speak another language:	Tiny amount of Spanish and Japanesse
Dance:	Yes but for fun
Sing:	Yes one of my favorite things
Touch your nose with your tongue:	Nope
Whistle:	Yup
Curl your tongue:	Nope
Have You Ever:
Been Drunk:	Yes was fun
Been Stoned/High:	Nope
Eaten Sushi:	Yes
Been in Love:	Yes, many times
Skipped school:	Yes
Made prank calls:	Nope
Sent someone a love letter:	Yes
Stolen something:	Yes sadly
Cried yourself to sleep:	Yes far too many times
Other Questions:
What annoys you most in a person?	Not knowing when they are doing something annoying or dumb.
Are you right or left handed?	Right Handed
What is your bedtime?	2:00 am
Name three things you can't live without:	Glasses, books, and My twin sister
What is the color of your room?	White
Do you have any siblings?	Yes twin sister and older brother
Do you have any pets?	Yes 2 cats
Would you kill someone you hate for a million dollars?	No way, never
What is you middle name?	Rae Anne
What are you nicknames?	Crab, Racoon, and Pony
Are you for or against gay marriage?	So for
What are your thoughts on abortion?	Womens Choice
Do you have a crush on anyone?	Nope
Are you afraid of the dark?	Yes sometimes
How do you want to die?	With the people I love
What is the largest amount of popsicles that you have eaten on one day?	Way to many to count
Would you take a bullet for the one you love?	Yes I sure would
What is the last law you’ve broken?	Um stealing
In a Member of the Opposite Sex:
Hair color:	Red
Eye color:	Hazel
Height	Taller then me
Weight	Anything just as long as they are happy with their weight
Most important physical feature:	Eyes and lips
Biggest turn-off	Telling me what to do
Take this survey or other MySpace Surveys at PimpSurveys.com

Future

I have been thinking about my future a lot lately, less about the good and bad and more about what is going to happen. I wonder where will I be in 10 years, I'm 25 now that will put me at 35 years old. Will I be married again, have children, and be living in the same state? I hope that I have kids by then I always really wanted to have kids while I was young so I could enjoy my youth with them. As for being married I guess I really hope that I am with somebody, I would hate to be all alone at 35 years old. I want someone to hold my hand when I walk in the park, to tease me while we sit on the couch at night. I want to sit with him as I watch our child play in the park, see his face full of pride as our son or daughter draws their first picture or rolls their first die (sorry gamer reference).

I mainly just want to be happy, I know that not everything will be perfect, life is never perfect but happy is still doable. My life has taken tons of turns in the last couple of months and not all of them in the directions I would have thought but I really think its going to go well. I have a lot of hope as of late and I am trying not to let my silly girlyness get in the way.

The thing that is making me the happiest is that I am really starting to feel good about myself. As a teen I always looked at my self and said I was too large or fat. Now I realize I was really thin back then I was just larger in my frame and height then most of the girls in my school. Now I am chubby but people in my life have helped me come to look at myself as beautiful even sexy. I would love to be thinner for my health and well being but it's not something I look at as being the end of the world any more.

I really think my life is going to be happy and that I am going to be surrounded by people who love me. I know I still have a lot of bumps in the road to get through before that happens but things really seem to be going in the direction of a great deal of happiness.

It's Time

I finally realized it's time that I stop worrying and really just put myself in and let go. I don't want to worry anymore I'm just going to take the time to think about the happiness that comes with this. I'm happy so happy I think that I have not been in this good a mode in a very long time.

It's sad that someone had to sit me down and basically tell me to stop looking at the sad stuff. I always thought I was a happy person but I guess lately I have really been letting my self get down. I know that I have a lot of stuff that's coming down the line that might be really hard but I am just going to take it as it comes. I'm going to be happy with what I have and really just focus on the people I love and the good things in my life.

Done, Finished, Over

I am just so tired I really just want everything to be settled. I want to get my divorce over I want to pay the lawyer sign the damn papers and be on my god damn way. I hate the dragging out the worrying about how to file, who looks bad and who does not. What the hell does it matter it’s ending only me, him, and the lawyer are going to see the papers. I don't want to screw him I want this to be fast and clean and over.

I also just want to know what the heck is happening in my life after all this crap. I want to know I have a place to live and call my own. Sometimes it really looks like things are going to take a step forward but then I feel like I take a big leap back. There is one big hurdle in the way and I am having more and more doubts that it’s going to be gotten over. God I want hope and faith to be strong enough for me but I have had to live my whole life planning for what to do next. Now here I am completely with out a back up plan and I am scared as hell, I don't want to be left blind. I don't know how to deal with this I just want to be with someone I love why does that have to be so fucking hard.

Then there is the whole baby thing that's a nice little melodrama for me. I want so badly to have a child, with my whole heart and yet it's looking like that is just not going to happen. I told my husband before I got married that I wanted a baby and he said he understood. Yet 4 years passed and every time I was told we should wait make sure we are ready. You can never be ready you just have to do it, take the leap have the baby. Now here I am again going ahead unsure of if I will ever have a baby, I don't want to give up this dream. But I might have to give up this dream to have another I'm not sure what choice I will make. I don't want my life to be empty of the feeling of baring and raising a child that is mine and the person I love. I want that baby that child completely of my love, I want to raise them and help them be a good person in this world.

Tattoo 2

It's done and it looks amazing, I think that at some point I will get color with it but for right now it's fine.

I am so happy that I did this it makes me so happy to have done something that I have always said I would do. Well here is a pic of it, hope everyone likes it because I so do.

Hold Me

I never knew how much the words "Hold Me" could mean to me. When you’re going through a divorce you’re losing something, someone you put a lot of your life and soul into. It hurts a lot, even if your feelings for this person or this life are different no longer as strong. I'm finally letting go and I never realized how hard and how sad I would be. I thought I was done I thought I did not care but I was really so very wrong. You never stop caring about the people you loved it just can't work that way too much of your self is still with them. As much as this hurts I know I needed to feel this way, its part of me moving on.

The hardest part for me is the longing to be held, to feel someone holding you in their arms knowing that they love you. At night I lay alone my arms wrapped around a pillow and sometimes the loneliness is too much for me. I wonder around my sister’s apartment watching crappy videos on You tube or looking at her many books. Then I try to lie down again and not think of how much I miss the warmth of someone I love beside me. I try not to let it get to me but I'm so sad and I feel so alone, I know it's my fault but I can't help it. So many people are here for me loving me but at night when I'm finally alone all I long for is to say those much used for words "Hold Me" and have someone do it.

Tattoo

I'm going to be getting a tattoo tomorrow I am super excited the first one I ever got. Here is a pic of what it will look like when it's done I will post a pic of it done. I really hope that it looks nice it's going to be the pony in black not the girl. It's going to be on the back of my neck I really can't wait see how it comes out.