Not Emo

I want to say that I write in this blog all the time no matter what my mood is but I honestly would be lying. I mainly write in this when I have something on my mind usually it’s when I am sad or mad, or just need to let things out.

So here goes, I’m happy really deep down happy. It has been so long since I have truly been this happy with things, sometimes I fell shell shocked as if I don’t know how this is supposed to feel. I find my self more inclined to be sad not because I don’t like being happy but I think just because I am so used to feeling sad.

Rob told me the other day that I act like an animal that has not gotten love or petting in a long time. I get so surprised when Rob will stroke my hand or kiss my head, with Dave he was just so cold sometimes, I really don’t think he meant to be it was just not something he did, especially in front of other people.

I am bringing this all up because yesterday Heather came home from her trip to visit her family and I was dreading it. I really like Heather otherwise I would not be in the situation I am in but after having such an amazing week with Rob I was not looking forward to things going back to the way they where. When Heather is around I feel like I play second place, most often it’s because I put myself in that place. I worry so much about making her fell left out or under loved that I purposely step back to give her that place. Being with Rob alone was so different, I felt like the atmosphere in the house was lighter. I was so loving and happy with Rob and I felt like I could say anything I wanted to him and not worry that Heather would be sad. Also when Heather is around her need to make sure everything in the house is always perfect at all times can be overwhelming. One of the things I really like about her is her ability to be so detailed and organized but sometimes I would love for her to just let it go for a little bit. I just feel like the way Rob and I act when she is around is so different, I don’t know what it is but it drives me nuts just a little bit.

Again I sort of got off subject I am writing this post about being happy it’s just taking me a minute to get there. So last night Rob came and tucked me into be, after 7 nights of sleeping with him I could not help but find myself tearing up as he hugged me. Rob asked me to please not cry and I promised that I would not, even though in my head I was thinking how can I not. So after he left I laid there for a bit and just tried to think how I was going to deal with all of this, because I was going to have to find someway or I was going to drive myself crazy. Then I just knew, it was such a little thing but I knew it would work. I had to realize that things where not always going to be perfect, that I was not going to be happy all of the time it was just not going to happen. Suddenly I was so much happier, I was still sad that I was going to have to sleep alone but I felt better knowing that it was ok for me to feel that way.

I am happy, I feel closer to Rob having gotten the change to experience life with him as just a couple and I also realized how happy I was that Heather was home. I missed her and I wanted her back in my life, as much as I sometimes have a hard time understanding why she does things I still like her and want her around. I loved getting some freedom with Rob I really did, I really needed to feel the closeness I was worried that we where lacking. Well I think I am done ranting for a little bit, the next post will probably be depressing and Emo but at least right now I’m happy.

Can’t Be Close Enough

I am so happy; things have not been this good in a very long time I really feel like my choice was a good one.

Heather is away for the week visiting her parents so Rob and I are on our own and it's really giving us a chance to connect again. With all the crap that has been going on in our lives we really just needed a moment to breath. I only wish that I could give Rob and Heather a week together alone so they can connect again too, maybe I will try and arrange something.

The last couple of nights we have just spent our evenings together watching TV and doing other household activities. Then we go to bed and just snuggle together, it feels so nice having someone in bed with me again knowing that they will be there all night to touch and hold if I want to.

When I am with him I just can't be close enough I just want to pull him into my skin and hold him there forever. The sense of love I feel for him is just growing so large that it's hard to hold sometimes. God I feel so sappy and silly but I really do feel this way and I would not give it up for anything. I just hope that this is going to be able to hold up to all the crap that is going to be happening in the next couple of months, I need it to.

Writing Frenzy

Well tonight I am just is a crazy writing frenzy, everything seems to be coming up. Just watched the Waitress and loved it so much, it has everything that I hate to love and was good at kicking me in every little button. If you every get the chance to see it I highly recommend it.

This was a hard day for me so many things just hit me upside the head and I can't help feeling like I may cry and I truly am sick of the crying but I am also sick of the things causing me to want to. I wish my brain would shut off and I could just not care for one moment how much I hate this and how I should be happy with what I have but I just can't seem to. I so have a lot but I just want to not feel like the biggest mean person around and right now that's how I feel and I just loath it. I am going to go have some pie then I am going to go to bed, then tomorrow I am going to see a movie with some friends who are not Rob and Heather and try to enjoy it. Then I will go to be probably cry my eye balls out and feel better for it, or maybe I will do that tonight not sure yet I guess I'm going to have to feel it out.

Things will get better I know and this to will pass but until then I hate everyone and everything for just a little while.

Really see Waitress if you can very good, night.

Baby Crap

Just want to say how much I hate crying over babies ever time I see them, every fucking time could so do without the crying and the knowing that it's going to be years and years and years before I can have one of my own if at all. That's it, that's all I have to say stupid baby crap.

Curse

So I realize that I am not being fair in all of this, I want us all to be happy and yet I get all dramatic when one of us is less then thrilled. I just really did not want to be in this place right now, I wanted things to stay good we had final gotten over all the big money crap. Yuck. My family jokes about this curse we have, we call it the Benoit curse it’s named after my mother’s father side of the family. The joke is that where every one of us (one of us being my direct family) goes the curse follows bringing bad things in it’s wake. We joke about it because we know bad stuff happens all the time and that it’s no fault of ours but right now it really feels like it is my fault. I come in to their perfectly put together life, they have a great setup they are starting to save money and think about buying a house all those things a couple does. Then I give them all new bills to deal with, jealousy, stress and it feels like I really just cause ruin.

Rob keeps telling me that it’s just the fact that this is like a new relationship and that during the start of all relationships you always have to go thru this stuff. I just can’t seem to get past the fact that I am just a big chore. I’m not leaving I just won’t, I just hate that it has to be this hard. I really picked a hard relationship to be in, I could have gone with a couple who was already into this kind off thing sharing and all that but NOOOOO I had to choose someone who’s wife can’t even comprehend kissing someone else let alone loving someone else. I know I whine but I love Rob I really don’t want another couple, even if this is hard. I hope things get better I don’t want to be waiting forever, I want this to be a till the end of our days thing so I hope Heather can decide if that is what she wants to because I really don’t want to go anywhere.

I have to chill a little, we have not even been at this for a year yet and I expect perfection. Most relationships don’t even get serious until a year has gone by, I have to remember that things may have been going on longer with Rob and I but Heather has really only be dealing with this since July. Well this little Pony is just going to raine herself in and let life come, we will get there we just need to take a little more time walking not running.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

So here I am thinking everything is going great, we all seem happy life has really started to hit it's grove, the big bills are behind us and we seemed to be taking some slow steps forward. Then Heather says see is feeling too jealous and that it's very hard for her to deal with that, she goes so far as to say that if it gets to bad she will leave so we can be happy together. The whole martyr syndrome, I hate to call it that but I have done that myself in the past so that is what it truly is. I knew this was not going to be easy, one step at a time, feeling as we go but I have to be honest at least to myself and say I am frustrated.

Rob and I have finally gotten our night together a few weeks ago and since then we have had two more. We where going for an every Friday sort of thing, just until Heather was comfortable and ready to give us some more time. Now Rob wants us to take some steps back, be less loving in public, not as much affection, I recommended maybe we should cut off Friday's all together for right now. What gets me about this is that it feels like we have already been going at this in a snails pace and now we have to slow it down even more. I am not being fair the rule in Poly is you have to go as fast as the slowest person but I can't help it. I fell like at some point you just have to say your going to live with it or don't that simple. I would hate for Heather to say she could no longer deal with it and she wanted me to leave but it would be better then this axe always hanging over my head. Right now I never know when it could happen and really it's scary enough in a new relationship to put your self completely in to loving a person and now I have this to think about. I'm afraid to give my whole heart if I have to worry about it being throw back in my face at any time.

I don't know what else to do, I will cut back give her the time and support that she needs. But this brings back a lot of fear for me and I don't know really what I am going to do about it, I guess the only think I can do deal, I have really fallen to deep into this really settled my heart on it. If it falls I fall too and I will have to just pick up the pieces and hope that I have not lost to many of them.

Somewhat at a Lose

So I am sort of at a lose here, things have been going well like really well. This last Friday Rob and I finally got our first night together, it was so nice having someone sleeping beside me again. I would roll over and be able to reach my hand out and touch him and hear his happy little sighs. Last night I was moving in my bed and I though oh man I pulled the blankets off of Rob when I looked I realized that he was not there, it only took me one night to start thinking like a women in a relationship. Now I am just waiting to find out if this is going to be a every week thing or if I am going to be waiting months again before I get to sleep with him again.

The next great thing that is happening in my life is Heather and I have joined a gym. To some this may not seem like such a good thing, but for me it's great. I am so ready to be healthy and thiner, I really feel like I am going to stick with it this time and that I am going to reach my goal. Going gives me a sense of confidence and pride, I really feel like I am finally doing something to help myself.

I am frustrated about one thing thought, I love Rob but sometimes he can be so callous. He is so loving towards me and Heather, he works so hard to make us both happy and deals with a lot of shit because of it. I just can't understand why he can't be that way with his friends too, sometimes he could really care less how other people feel. What bothers me is that this is one of the things I really hated about Dave, I tend to be a caring person and it drives me nuts to have to clean up the messes that are made because of it. I really like all my friends and I want them to be happy and when the person I am with treats them crappy I don't know what to do. No one is perfect I understand that and maybe he really did not mean to be callous, maybe he just got mad because I was bringing it up a lot and said he did not care but I just don't know. The problem I am having is I don't know if I really want to deal with this again, I hated that Dave was like that I was happy that I was done with that. Ug I don't know I think I am just going to have to deal with it for right now I am new with him maybe it won't be as bad as Dave and I can learn the best way to talk to him about it.

Well I am going to go to bed now so sleepy, love to all and happiness in all your lives.

Holiday Season

So things are going along ok, I've moved upstairs into Heathers parents room and the house is finally empty of all but the three of us.

Yesterday my mother told me something that made me very sad, I had called her to say hello and I was telling her about Rob and Heather going to his works Christmas dinner and that's when she said it. She told me that she really liked Heather and Rob but she was still holding out hope that someone would come along and take me away from all of that. She wanted for me to find someone who could love me without having to worry about sharing and keeping secrets from others. The biggest thing she wanted was for me to be able to have babies without having to hide who they belonged to mainly having to raise on my own. This hurt because I always thought she was so behind me in all of this only wanting for me to be happy, but once I though about it for a bit I realized her point of view. She really just wants me to be happy, and she hears a lot about the hard stuff I have to deal with in this relationship, she hears about the good stuff too but she worries more about the bad. I think the worst part is that I have thought these things myself sometimes. Sometimes I am so tired of hiding who we are, I never really thought in the beginning how much I was really going to have to hide in this life. Then just thinking about how I am going to have to raise my child kills me to, as much as I would love to give my child Rob's last name there is no way I can. I don't think we are ever going to tell Heather's parents about what is going on so if I suddenly had a baby and gave him Rob's last name that would be a pretty clear sigh. As much as I know that she only wants the best for me, it still hurt me.

I think I will post more on this post a little later in the month.

Sex, the dark and moving day.

So things are coming up pretty fast and I am surprised how nervous I am. Heather's parents are leaving on the 2nd of December and when they do I am going to be moving into their bed room. Which is good in a lot of ways it will get me off the couch and out of the scary basement. For the last couple of nights I have had a very hard time sleeping, it's very very dark when the lights are out and sadly I am very scared of the dark. My imagination is good I can very easily picture all the dark and scary things in the basement waiting to get me. Most nights I can block it out make my mind think sanely but from time to time no amount of me telling myself nothing is there will do it, like now. So coming up stairs will really help that.

Of course the next nice thing will be that it will be time to talk about sleep arrangements and really start to get things going with this relationship. Of course what comes with a two people sleeping together who are not relatives, snuggles, spooning, sleeping and oh of course sex. The big sex word and the big talk that is going to go along with it. I am going to the doctor in a few days to get blood work done which should help settle things then we should have a yellow light. We are still going to have to do a tiny bit more for the green but I am hoping that it will go as smoothly as it can considering. I want more then anything for this not to hurt anyone but I know this is not going to be clean and nice we are going to have to get over some major hurdles but I know we can do it I know we can.

Time is quickly marching along soon I think I can have this Divorce done and then I am free to truly just be. We will still have to work with everyones families which is going to be a little weird. Mine is easy they know and even thought they were a little confused at first they really just want me to be happy, the only funny thing I got was my dads comment "Why does he get to have his cake and eat it to...... WITH my daughter." It was great.

Then we will have to tell his family, I think it will be a shock to them but I am hoping from what he said that it will be ok eventually. As for her I don't know I don't think her family will ever understand, maybe one or two members but on the whole I fear bad bad things. I don't know if we are ever going to tell them I don't want her to lose her family she really loves them so much, she needs them in her life. Ah the choices that must be made in ones life, hard and not always as clearcut as we would like them to be.

For right now I am just going to be happy that moving day is coming up and that I will finally get to sleep in a real bed hopefully with a warm happy body next to me, not every night mind you but one or two right now is very much fine with me.

Music

Music for me holds something I can only begin to understand. When I hear great music it always tends to bring out strong emotions in me. During movie moments or just when I sit and listen in my car and let my mind wonder to all the things that are going on in my life. It can make me happy and in just a moments time I can find my self drawn to tears.

Sometimes all I want to do is spend my day sitting in a comfortable chair with a great book and music playing in the background. I remember days, I mean whole days as a young teen just curled up reading and listening to my mothers Madonna tape, and my dad’s Beetles, Yes, The Who and any number of other 70’s and 80’s bands.

My life is full of music I sing to it all day long if I am not singing I am humming the last thing I heard or remember. I have I would say at least 50 songs memorized in my brain if not more, and hundreds more that I can remember by hearing. Sometimes I wish that I could do something with my voice like take lessons or sing in a choir. Oh to sing in a choir again would be heaven, when you are in a truly good group it really is like heaven. I used to take lessons at school but nothing truly professional, I don’t want to boost but I think I am pretty good but I think I could be great if I had lessons.

I could go on and on forever on this subject, it interests me to no end especially because of the feelings it gives me. My heart bursts with the power of it, nothing else that is so sensory can move me so strongly. For now I am going to leave it where it is, I need to rest and try to put more of this is to view for myself.

Days

So days are pretty relaxed now, not what I expected but relaxed. I go to work and train yippee, then I come home jump into my PJ's and read or watch TV. Some days we do chores, or fun group activities like watch a movie together, make outfits for Dag, or just sit and chit chat while Heather makes dinner. It's all very relaxed actually I enjoy the whole just being with one another, I am trying very hard to try to not be so needy.

I am good at keeping myself busy but when I am with someone in a relationship that is I tend to be very lovey, not clingy really just lovey. I need to learn to back of a little and let us all settle into each other but I find it takes me sometime to do that, since in general I tend to be a very touchy person.

What I wanted most at this point was to be in a different place, I wanted to really be living out my new relationship in complete freedom but we have had to put that on hold. Heather's parents where supposed to have gone to Florida by now so that we could start to see if we can really all live with each other in every way but they have not left yet, and it is looking more and more like they will not be leaving at all! I don't want to go thru the whole winter like this and then move in with them in the spring and find out that this is not going to work. This was supposed to be the test period the time we used to see if we could handle all of this but now it's looking like this is going to be a sink or swim situation and I really don't like that. Parts of this are going really great and I mean that really great but other parts have not even been addressed and until they leave I do not think that it is going to happen. Yuck!

The Holidays are coming and I am really excited about that the first year I get to spend here. I am going to really miss my family thought they are all very sad that I can not come to the holiday's. I am trying to work out a way that I can still see them all even if it is not on the actual holiday. I am a little sad about that because it is going to be another one of those holiday's where I will be all by myself where everyone else has someone, I have someone but they can't really come with me to hard to explain to my grandparents. My parents know everything and are very cool and loving which is nice but I think my grandparents would just die. Oh well I hope I can figure something out I really do want to see them, and still spend this holiday with my new family too. Yuck again!

Well I am off to watch some Heroes which I got for my birthday so BYE!!!

Birthday

So today is my birthday and it was really great, I hung out with some of my friends and my loves and they made me feel so happy. Heather got me a normal ice cream cake and a pumpkin pie ice cream cake, it was amazing it tasted just like pumpkin pie it was heavenly. I also got some very nice gifts from everyone I was so surprised by how nice they all where, it was the best birthday I have had for a while.

Now to the dumbness, when the night started to move on I started to think about how badly I wanted to go to bed with my love but of course I could not. I just started to get sad I was trying really hard not to it was such a nice day but I was failing pretty bad. There are good reasons I can't be with the one I love but it does not mean that I don't want it, I really just want to stop winning about it. So after everyone went to bed I found my self sobbing uncontrollably which ether makes me feel a whole lot better or a whole lot worse. This time I just felt kind of quite almost accepting, I also felt like writing. All this trying on my part to stop getting so upset about this stuff, trying to look at the good and what I do have it's just not enough. Sometimes I just have to cry it's the only way I can truly let myself feel sometimes and I need to let myself, I used to hold it all in then like once a month my sister and I would argue for like an hour. We would cry and ramble and yell at one another but by the end we would just feel so much happier and like we had gotten every thing out and fixed.

As much as I hate crying especially sobbing I see the point in it, and all in all this day was an amazing day. SOOO I am going to let things go, take a breath and go to bed, things will be brighter in the morning I know it and I will have nice dreams about the day I had.

Baby Bug

So the baby bug has bitten me pretty bad lately, I dream about them, I see them everywhere, and I can't stop thinking about them. For right now I am just going to post how I feel, I will post facts later in this message.

I long for a baby, seriously so. I ache, every time a see a father playing with his son or a mother holding her baby it makes me tear up. I mean every time, I can't be walking by with out trying to rush so they don't see the creepy longing look I have. When I hold my sisters baby I just glory in the scent of her, the sweet feel of her skin, the amazing noises she makes. The worst part is that I almost feel like she is partly mine since my sister and I are identical twins which makes our DNA the same. My heart skips a beat when I see her smile and I think of the days I will get to spend with her as she grows up *sniffle*. Griffin is another hardship for me, he is such an amazing little boy I love when he brings me a book and sits in my lap so I can read it to him. I just play with his cute toddler hair and read to him as I remember him as a baby. I used to hold him and sing to him when he was so tiny, I remember when he feel asleep on my chest and I wanted to lay like that forever.

So many years have gone by for me and I have longed for a child for so long. I told my husband that we would wait 2 years after getting married then we would start trying for a child, we got married in 2003. 2005 came and went no trying for a baby my husband had no job and we where living with my parents, 2006 no baby still no job and living with parents. My husband promised that when he got a job or an apartment we would start to try, got a job and an apartment still no baby. He told me he wanted to wait for a little longer,2007 then the big D and all thoughts of baby flew out the window. I will say one of my big sticking points for maybe staying was the possibility of a baby, but in the end that was not enough to make me stay.

I yearn for a baby so much I dream of them constantly, mainly its me searching for a baby I know is mine but can't find it's really hard to deal with the damn dreams. I have wanted children since I was 18 and I have thought about them on and off all along so many different paths could have led me to them but I have always chosen a different one.

Now for annoying reality, I know I have lots of time I am only just going to be 26 so I have time to spare. My life is really not set up for a baby right now, I have no real home, I am still not divorced and most important of all the new relationship that I am in is really not equipped to deal with it right now. Really I need the time to settle in an really make sure everything is ok before I move forward.

BUUUUUUUUT try and tell my brain and heart that, you will have about as much luck as I do. All I can think is that its probably going to be a least another 2 years before I can even think of starting to try and I will be 28 then the trying. It is not going to be easy for me to have kids I know already, I have weird cycles and my twin sister was the same as me her husband and her tried for three years and just had a baby. So lets say three years of trying now I'm 31, then I want two kids so if we start right away say another three years now I'm 34. I know I have to wait but thinking of all that time kills me, a little piece of me dies when I see friends and family get pregnant and I am still just staring after them longly.

I really don't know what to say I hope this bug leaves me soon because I really don't think I can handle all this sucky wanting, I have to deal with it and honestly sometimes I don't want to.

Poem 4

Hands linger on my abdomen
My skin is warm and soft
I wait hoping to feel something
I know it's silly but I try anyways
My heart yearns for this
So much is building here
I spread my fingers
I wonder is it already fuller
I close my eyes and dream of laughter
I rest my hand more firmly and feel
I tug on my lip and slip my palm away
It's done I let the vision shatter
I hold on to a hope I had
I lost it, I did


I had a dream last night and I could not remember what it was about I know I was looking for someone but I did not know who. I finally remembered a little bit ago, I was looking for my son Gaberiel, I don't have a son but in my dream I did. I could hear him crying but I could not find where he was, I could not understand how I could have lot him I was so mad at my self. My friend was helping me look for him but I still could not find him. I started to cry because I could not hear the crying anymore and I knew it was my fault that he was gone I had done something wrong. I woke up then but it all seemed to fade away but when I was trying to think of what to write most of it came back to me. I think there may have been more but I can't see it so I will try to remember when I go to bed but I don't know.

Girl on Girl Action

Today is the day of coming out, telling your friends and family who you really are. Most of my family knows I like both men and women and happily it has never really been a big issue for them but I know other people out there have not had as much luck. Today I though of a the few wonderful women I have been with and lusted after and gloried in it, if I had the chance I would have spent the day in bed with a beautiful women. Oh well to busy working but I plan on having a little girl on girl action soon I have been just aching to kiss the soft sweet lips of a wonderful hot female.

I have been having some fairly vivid dreams about one women in particularly which have been causing me some frustrating mornings. Sadly I have not gotten to have as much experience with women in my life, I have really only ever been with two women. Not that I have not wanted to it's just been hard finding someone I like who is interested in women and then interested in me as well. Things might change I hope but who knows for today I am just going to be happy with what I have and let my dreams take me to where I can't.

SLEEEEEEPPPPPP!

So tired want to sleep so badly, I have to get up for work tomorrow and I can not sleep. I love my sister but it is so hard to sleep at her place, everyone is moving around so much and the couch is small and hard to sleep on. I feel bad thought since she is giving me a place to stay and she loves me it just sucks trying to get some rest.

When I stay at Rob and Heathers their couch is so comfy and soft. The room is nice and cold so I can wrap myself in a sheet and blanket and be nice and happy. It's quite and dark, and everything smells so nice and clean I love it so much. Right now all I want is to lay my head down and rest god back to trying to get some sleep wish me luck.

Thank you's

So my posts have been somewhat bumtastic lately part of that has to do with the fact that I usually have a journal that I write stuff that I am feeling down in but it is stored away. So this has sort of become my journal for right now, that is why things tend to be on the down side. A lot of the emotions I have are fleeting but I write them down so I have a chance to look and them and try to work thru them so I can be happier and healthier.

I have a lot of good going on in my life but sadly most of it I can't really talk about right yet so I usually can only post the bad because it is safer. I am coming to the conclusion thought that it might be OK know for me to just post everything because at this point I don't know how much it really matters any more. I will have to talk to some people but i think soon I will be able to just say what I want here which will be so nice since I am very sick of having to watch what I say all the time.

Some of what I can say is that I have a lot of really good people in my life right now and I really want to thank them and give them a little idea of how much they mean to me.

Autumn you have been AMAZING!! Really without you to just say pretty much anything I want to say, I think I would have gone mad a long time ago, when I could no longer go to gaming and my life was to crazy to hang out I was so sad. Love of friends is something I really needed and you where there to give it to me and you also had some really great advice for me at some crappy points in my life. Also knowing that I can be there for you as well even if it is only in a very small way helps me feel like I am not a complete disaster as a friend.

Eric I have found a strange amount of comfort in your company. Your intelligence is refreshing sometimes it is just so nice to talk to someone about things that are going on in the world. Your calm understanding of the time I spend with your wife is so nice and talking to you and her is a great joy for me. Also your willingness to change the day you guys gamed so that I might game again was something else I really needed.

Griffin thanks for just being you! Your sweet joy and happy smile really makes my day and helps me curb my annoying need for a child of my own.

Sara I don't think I have to go on to much you know how I feel about you but I will anyways. You have always been there for me thru everything, even when things where hard between us for one reason or another you have given me your heart. You will always be my first and last love and no one and I mean that no one can take your place for me. The easy understanding we have with each other, the comfort I find when I can just crawl in bed with you and snuggle, and the ability to just cry at the drop of a hat and have you hug me and tell me it's OK and I know it is. Last but so not least the amazing baby that you have given to all of us that has made my life so much brighter, I know sometimes it can be hard but the happiness I see in you when you hold her is something I carry with me all day.

Mina...... You are just so much to me, the dreams I have of being your aunt are so real and so happy that I can't wait to live them. I am so happy you came into our lives and I will treasure every single moment I have with you.

Heather this is the hardest one for me so much has happened between you and I sadly some of it really bad. I just want to say thank you for giving me another chance and for being a friend to me when you really did not have to be. Your kind heart, quick funny mind, and sometimes sarcastic wit has really grown on me. Most of all I want you to know I am really happy you are my friend and that you where willing to be mine.

Mattlock for just being my friend and accepting that friends can be strange people and not condemning them for it.

Rob your friendship has been so important and surprising for me considering that in the beginning I really did not like you very much. You have been there when I really needed someone to just hold me and tell me that I really am an adult. Seeing you treat your wife with so much love and affection gives me hope that all relationships can be that way. Playing video games with you, watching Naruto, talking about books, watching stupid TV shows, putting up with me and your wife watching anime together, sharing a love of cats, learning to play cards with you even thought it drives me nuts, and knowing that you will be there for me no matter what is more then I could ever wish for.

Finally my parents thanks for helping me when I was down and out, and most of all thanks for understanding my craziness and being true parents who love me no matter what and just want me to be happy.

That's about it, I know I have already done something like this but I feel that it was important for me to put this down. Thanks again to everyone.

Sorry I forgot one, Gabriel I never really got to know you but thanks for the small hope that you gave me even if it was fleeting, you where there at a time of my life that I needed you hopefully you will be again.

That's really it this time.

Waiting

I am very tired and I would like nothing more then to go to bed and get some sleep but I really have to write this down right now. I am feeling a lot of things right now, it's so hard for everything to be this way so much is just spinning in my head. The waiting is killing me, slowly and surely I am getting eaten alive. I am putting myself out completely, but it's the only way I can be maybe I should of held back but I just can't be that way. What is making this so hard is that there is no plan for me if this goes bad I am out on my butt, and you know a lot of that is my own making.

I have to wait, test the waters and see if the boat will float and if it does it will be the best thing in the world, the absolute best. But if the boat sinks I have no life boat, I have to swim to shore I will but it's going to be by my own ability with no one's help or support.

I just want a choice made now, no more waiting knowing that any day, everyday it could be over. I don't want to be a snot but I have the most to lose, I will lose everything. I will have myself and that's fine but I might as well move at that point because I can't stay here I will really have no one. I want to be strong and say that I could handle this that I am a grown up and thus I will be able to go on but I will be so broken so very broken and that thought just makes me cry siting here typing.

I am taking one day at a time this is just a weak moment for me and sadly I have no one to turn to at this particular time to help me so this blog has to be it. I love my life I love the people in it everyone so so much but I needed to get this out. Please I am going to go on and step into the new day stronger and happier thinking of all the good right now in my life and holding to that so don't let this give you the wrong idea.

I'm going to go to bed now probably cry for a little bit, but tomorrow I will wake up and think nothing of this and be the better for it.

Worried

I don't know what is causing it but I feel very worried and scared, like something bad is around the corner and I can't see what it is. I feel a pressing against my chest and my heart is beating so fast, it's an unknown terror that is griping me.

I am trying to calm myself down and tell myself that I am just worrying needlessly but the emotional side of me is just not hearing any of it. I can't explain how worried I really feel, so very worried that my skin is clammy and I can't sleep.

Why do I feel like this; there is nothing major that I know of coming along, it just came on me tonight and I can almost feel it bearing down on me like a building storm clouds. I hope nothing comes of this; I really do, I am going to try to go to sleep and maybe this will go away in the night.

A Moment

So this is just a rant so don't take it too seriously, this goes for me as well. So I feel left out it's dumb I know but I still do. I don't get sex, I don't get sleep, and I don’t get to go places. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I have to work and that my schedule sucks so I don't get to go places a lot. The sex well that is pretty self explanatory and the sleep well that's just because I have no real place yet but so that will change.

So I went bike riding on Thursday it was really nice I had such a good time but I felt sad in some way’s I really wanted to go with someone. I stopped at a grave yard near my friend’s house on my way back with my bike and it was so peaceful walking among the grave stones. There where some really old ones there that you could barely read the writing on them. I loved it, I know it's a little creepy but I have always wanted to have a Picnic at a grave yard it's so peaceful and calm. I guess I was just looking at the stones and I just wished I could have been doing it with some one else. Silly I know I have to start getting used to being alone at times, I used to be really good at it but now it's like I don't know what to do.

I am happy with myself I like who I am and the things that I like I need to start looking inwards and finding ways of spending my time on my own. I think I am going to ride my bike more often and maybe take some walks too, I have also stopped reading books pretty much it's time for me to get back on that wagon. See this is me looking at the bright side and seeing what is good in my life, it's funny that silly little list has really helped me.

Oh I had a nice dream last night it really made me so happy. I dreamt it was my birthday and I was working when all of a sudden one of my co-workers came in with some purple roses and a stuffed Lama, she said they where for me. I got all excited and started to leave work when my boyfriend (could not see his face sadly) showed up and whisked me away in his car. He took me to dinner and then we went to the park and sat on a blanket and looked at the stars because it was night by then. I woke up as we started to walk back to the car it was just so romantic and it made me so happy.

All in all I am doing ok other then my earlier rant, I'm happy and I am taking everyday as it's comes.