Break

I don't know what I am feeling. My mind is running running running and I can't seem to get it to shut up. At the same time everything I think about just flicks by never staying long enough to really contemplate. I went to lunch today with someone I care about and I felt out of it sort of not there it made me a little sad. It was nice in some ways because I did get to talk about some stuff that had nothing to do with my present crap and that felt really good, sort of got me to come around.

I am so damn tired, I can't believe home much I really need sleep lately. I need a good 7 hours of sleep or I feel like I am going to fall over. I think all the stress has made me very weary and in need of sleep desperately.

Sometimes I am so up and sometimes I am so down. I am really tired of always thinking I would like sometime to just mellow and think about nothing. Maybe I will take a break for little bit, I would say a day should be enough. Let my heart and mind settle, make some space. I need to breath and it feels like for the last month I have been just holding my breath waiting.

Hopefully this should help me de-stress and get back into the swing of things.

Poems 3

Pressing against the wall
Fingers digging into fabric
Heart beating fast, warm skin
Strong hands hold and touch
Nose lingers at my throat smelling my scent
A sigh escapes my lips
Body leaning trapping but inviting
Lips meet mine, oh so desperately
My mind is blown; I fall away leaving a yearning beast of want and need
Nothing is left but the heat and passion
My face rests against stubble and I pray
Make my fire burn, consume me



I can feel the pull of the moon calling to me
I step onto the cool wood the screen door closing behind me
A white sheet wraps around me as my hair moves gently in the wind
I breathe in the night its cloying embrace
I know my soul is here coming with the storm
I can smell the burning lightning and pounding rain
I open my arms waiting
Crashing
It fills me as it soaks me
Clinging to my self I pull it in
Knowing I will not feel this way again
No storm is ever the same it empties me
Leaving me wet and shivering
But clean

Sleeping

Feeling very lonely right now, don't really know why it is hitting me so bad right now but it is. Maybe the thought of going to sleep alone, waking up alone is getting to me. I hate being alone, it really hurts me so much. I lay in bed and dream about something I can't have, it makes my heart feel empty. I am trying really hard to be calm and wait but it's so hard. I realized today that I have been sleeping alone for a whole month now and to be honest I hate it. I thought oh yippee I get the bed all to myself so cool, but it sucks. I don't like feeling alone,

My whole life I have had someone to sleep with. Up until I moved out of my parents house I slept in bunk beds with my twin sister, if I ever got lonely I could crawl in bed with her. Then I had my first boyfriend and then finally my husband I was never alone. Now I can't even crawl in bed with my sister because she has her husband and her baby no more room for me.

It really is hard for me I want to feel a loving warm body next to me, one that will kiss me with soft firm lips and hold and caress me with kind strong hands. I just can't handle being alone, this morning I woke up and I found tears on my face I had dreamed so strongly of someone being by my side that when I woke up and no one was there it was devastating. Hopeful this will end at some point, but I don't think I will ever be someone who likes to sleep alone. So until then I just hope I can make it thought the night with out reaching my arm out for another warm body beside me that’s not going to be there.

Being There

Well things are getting better, slowly and with a lot of talking but they are getting better. I never know in my life that I would have to talk so much but it seems that for some things in life you just have to, to make them work. A lot of stuff is going on in my life right now and at some point I will talk about it but right now it is going to have to wait.

The main thing is that my mind is better settled at this point. My husband and I are definitely going through with the divorce and finding our own places to live. Figuring out where I am going to live is going to be a little hard because I want to keep the car which means my rent is going to have to be somewhat cheep. I think things are going to be OK thought I have a lot of people who are here for me right now and that is making this so much easier.

My sister is a very important friend to me right no, letting me stay at her place and helping me when I need to talk. Being with her and my amazing beautiful niece has also helped me keep a smile on my face no matter what is going on in my life. She has been a great person to laugh with my whole life and with out her I thing I would be in a much worse place.

Then I have my friends which have surprised me beyond what I could ever imagine one more then most because in a lot of this I have hurt her the worst. I always know how I felt about her friendship to me but I never truly knew how she felt about me and now I do and it has really given me a lot to think about. I know that this has been hard on her and sometimes all I can think about is what I did and how can I even think of asking her forgiveness but she gave it to me and is still willing to be my friend. I really do love her so much I hope that she understands that and that the trust she has given me will not be misplaced.

Of course there are the other friends in my life, one big one who happens to be the only one who reads this damn thing. She has been so helpful in her words and even just listening to me whine and complain about all this shit. I hope that she knows how much she means to me too. She has been a true friend when I really did not deserve one. Thank You!

Last my heart, know that I can not be without you and that all of this would be easier if I did not have you but I would never chose to be that way. Without you beating for me, and making me feel the way I do my life would be empty. Thank you for making me feel even thought I did not want to and I promise I will not run away from you. I will stand my ground and I will hold on to the dream you have given me for a better life and now I know it will come true. With you always there to give me the love, hope and strength in my life that I need I know that my life will be better. Thanks for not giving up on me and leaving no matter how hard it got.

Lot's of love to everyone who has been there for me during this crappy time. Hopeful all of the entries after this would be more on the up and up but no promises.

Hurt

I hate how this feels, I am scared and not sure what I am going to do. I have made big mistakes in my life before and I don't think I ever really learned from them. I am so afraid I am about to do the same thing, I am going to hurt someone else just so I can get what I want. In the end I'm just going to hurt myself and the other person. I know what the right choice is but then I will lose someone I care for, but maybe I need to think about someone other then myself for once. I don't want any hearts to be broken but how can I do this when I know that everyone is not happy. God I just don't know what to do.

Why

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG SO TIERD OF BEING LEFT OUT!!!!!!!! GOD I am left out of my life, I hate this so much I could just cry. Big things are happening and I am not there. WHY?

Writting

I always find that when my life is at the most rocky I write more, whether it's in a journal, poems, or just short quick sentences. I guess the emotions in my head just build up and need somewhere else to go. This blog has been a nice help to me mainly because almost no one reads it. I don't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings and if someone does come across it then it's nice to know someone has seen my words.

I don't know how to feel right now so much is going on and I have so little control. It's all about the wait right now, the not knowing what is going to happen in my life. Even if some things get figured out there is still a chance that it could change at a moments notice and it won't be me who makes the change. I will be just riding the wave hoping it does not stop and leave me stranded alone on the beach. I want to have more say in this but I guess what can I expect I made the choice to take this leap I could have said no.

I don't know why I can deal with things so calmly. I look at things that most people would say no, never, not in a million years and I say sure, I would like that, lets try. I guess I just don't want to go with what everyone else says is right. I think that as long as you are not hurting anyone else and you are happy why is it bad. Right know thought I am hurting other people and that is what I want to stop. I want to be a part of my life, i want a say in what is going to happen but for right now I am just going to have to wait. But it's killing me. It's killing me to know that my life and happiness is in someone else's hands.

Emotions suck! I wish for just a little while I did not have to think. For the last three years I have been going to an Anime convention in Baltimore called Otakon and I was supposed to go this year too but because of all that is going on I can't. I want to go so bad because it would be such a nice escape, a way to think of nothing but fun and anime. I wish wish I could go so very sad. Well maybe next year.

Scared

Feeling a little scared right now. My life is about to take a big jump and I'm really scared as to where it is going. I had my life all set, married, good job, thinking about having kids, the whole nine yards. Now my life is going down a road that is long, scary and dark but it could have a wonderful surprise at the end. There is a lot up in the air right now, I mean a lot but it's scaring the shit out of me.

I want to be excited and in a way I am but I'm more just lost and again scared. I hate myself a lot I have hurt people in this and I am going to continue to hurt people if this does not work out. I should be brave and make the smart choice but I want the dream that has been painted for me. I think I can be happy in this life but so much does not depend on me, I'm just stepping into the mix.

I want to cry so bad when it comes to this but I have such a hard time crying. After I left my husband I cried a little when I told him but mainly I was calm. All the way driving to my sisters nothing not a single tear, it was not until I was sitting on the couch burping her baby that I started crying and it was like sobs. I was sitting thinking about how badly I wanted a baby and that know I was going to have to wait and it was making me think of my husband and all the plans we had made. It was just too much for me. The other day I was talking on the phone more like arguing and I was starting to cry again, I was so frustrated. Someone was trying to get me to make the right choice and I was so scared I just started to lose it. Why can't I cry at the moment why is it only later when I am thinking that I cry. Today someone was just asking me a question about my ring and why I needed it and again I was almost in tears, all I could think was how empty my finger looked and felt. I have had something on that finger for so long and now it's gone, the ring I have there now is not even right I need something new something right.

I just want my life to go forward I am sick of the waiting room. I don't want to hurt any more and I don't want to hurt anyone else, but it looks like to be happy I may just have to. What a choice, I can be such a idiot. Maybe my life is meant to be this way maybe really good things will happen. I am going to hold on to this dream and maybe it will be the paradise I am looking for.

Over

So my marriage is over. I left on Thursday.

This was all my choice but I still feel scared, sad, lost, and cheated. I put 7 years in to this relationship and now I am just giving it all up, undoing all this work.

I was so mad yesterday when I told some friends at work and they where like, that's great now you’re free. I know they may have been just trying to make me feel better but god. I just left I'm not thinking about going out and partying, it seems so crass. I hate that it got here and at times I want to kick myself and go back but I know it was the right thing to do.

I think what sickens me the most about this is that I don't feel as sad as I thought I would. I was sure I would be sobbing and pinning for him but I'm not. I have cried don't get me wrong but it’s more for lost time and for hurting him.

I can't write anymore I just can't think I will probably post more later but for now I just need to breath.

Choices

I wish that the choices I had to make where easier. Leave sure and safe for scary and alone, seems simple but its not. Sure is possible wrong, stuck in the same ways as always and unyielding. Scary is possible freeing, taking my own life into my hands and new doors may open for me.

I'm so scared should I just stay because I'm afraid that I won't have anything or anyone if I leave. If I go I could lose everything I care about, and I do care about it.

Simple choices that could make a large difference and yet I can not make them.

Niece

Yesterday my very first niece was born, and I got to see the whole thing. I have never been present at a birth before and even thought I have seen it a number of times on TV it’s just not the same.

My twin sister who I love with all my heart was fantastic doing something that when you think about seems impossible. She gave birth to a healthy and amazingly beautiful baby girl. I took picture after picture of this lovely baby and I found myself crying. I don't cry a lot it's hard for me I don't want to be to girlie but this was just too much for me. Here was someone that I was going to be able to talk too, play with, get to know what she likes and doesn't, know the secrets she does not want to tell her mother. I had never felt this before; right here was a life just waiting to move forward.

All of this just made me feel all the more how much I want to have children of my own. To have all of that and for it to be my baby I just can't think of how it would feel. Thank you to my niece for giving me this chance.

Wilhelmina Rose Herringshaw
May 24 2007
7 pounds 2 ounces
20 1/2 inches

Love

I know I have talked about this subject in the past but I feel that more can always be said.

Love for me has changed a lot lately, how I see it and how I feel it. I have always had a hard time letting someone past my shields mainly because of things I did as a kid. I was always so trusting I told all my friends everything and in the end that was bad because sometimes I would say to much and it could cause problems. As I grew older I stopped sharing so much and learned to build a wall between myself and most of my friends. I did not want to get hurt and I did not want to say anything wrong that would embarrass me. But lately I have found people in my life that I can finally be free with. Originally I could only talk to my twin sister she was like the other half of my soul we could share anything. Then I found my husband and it was so nice to open my heart and mind to someone who I think loves me for who I am. Now I have found a friend that I can truly be honest with. I can complain about my life with out worrying that they think I am whining, I can talk about my wishes in life and where they want their life to go. I can be myself, silly, forgetful, happy, frustrated, scared, anything and they are there for me.

With this trust comes love, which is what I was trying to say. I always looked at the romantic love but I forgot completely about the love of two friends who really understand one another. I never really had that, my friend for most of my life was my sister and she will always be my best friend but she is still my sister. Having the love of someone who has no ties to you other then shared trust and interests is something special. I am happy that I got the chance to feel this and I hope that everyone out there has felt this or will someday.

Death

Death has always been a hard thing for me; I don't understand it when it comes to dealing with it. Many of my friends and family have lost someone they care for and to be honest I don't know how to help them. I have yet to lose someone I was close to since I have been old enough to understand lose. When I was young my Great Grandmother died and thought I loved her very much I was not upset. At the time I was too young to understand the totality of lose and what it meant, to me she was sick for so long and now she was not. It was that simple I loved her but she was still in my mind forever, and in the traditions my family holds to her. Now as I have gone older lose holds so much more for me, the feelings one builds for someone embed themselves deeper. As a child things come and go in your life and you watch them with little concern as an adult that changes, things are more important.

What I worry about is that some day some one I love will die and I don't know what I will do or how I will act. Will I go thought it as cool as when I was a child or will it eat at me and strip away the shields I build around my emotions? I'm scared I have become desensitized by time and will not feel it or walk around in a fog trying to pretend it did not happen. Death is part of life I have always looked at it that way and I don't want to stress over it and the people who have to leave.

Recently a friend of mine had a loved one die in her life and it got me to thinking about this subject. I talked to my husband about what I wanted if something where to happen to me and what he wanted in return. In this sense we think the same way if we are in a vegetative state we don't want our loved ones to hold on to us we want them to be able to let us go. So for me I would want the plug pulled, if there was no brain activity. Even if somehow 30 years later I could wake up who wants that, to wake up so much later and for my family to hold on to me for so long. I'm very relaxed about life I don't want to die but I know that someday I will and I don't want to miss out on stuff because I am scared that I might die. So I will be jumping out of planes with a parachute, bungee jumping, rock climbing, or just plain riding in a big boot across the ocean or in a plane across the country. I don't want to miss out on life and all the joys and fears that come with it.

New Job

I am currently working towards a new job with HSBC, I am really excited but they are making it really hard for me. They want all this information to be faxed to them about my prior job history and it’s a bit hard because one of my jobs closed its doors and another moved from the original facility it was in. Hopefully I will be able to get it all together and then start the new job on March 12th yippee.

This job is a gods send for me, its closer to home I won't have to do so much driving and my husband works there. I really want this to work out, it's important to me.

Working where I work now has been really hard for me, I have to drive thought all this snow and some nights it can get really bad. I have been really lucky so far with not getting in an accident but the more you drive the more likely you will get in one. I have to add two extra hours to my day with the driving and it's time I would like to spend with my friends or husband.

Poems 2

Poems are things of beauty
Holding everything and possibly nothing
The thoughts of one soul, reaching to see if others feel the same
Like snow drifting to the ground
Or like hot lava filling the ocean causing steam
What one sees as light another will see shadow
But what is the one without the other
All minds hold sway building the verse
We see what we want
We hold the keys to our own minds
Dare the words to tempt you
Or let them make you calm
Words that hold many worlds are things of beauty
Create your dream


Love is a many splendid thing when tried and true.
I love as I see short sighted and blurry.
Does the love I feel truly exist or am I creating a fantasy?
My heart yearns for closeness and yet I push away the ones who truly are.
I find tests to set against them, unfair and weighted unjustly.
I should know my own mind but I do not want to look.
I want to see one thing and if I don't what will I do then.
No one can help me but myself, how silly and old.
I could ask for help but I don't want everyone else to know ME the real ME.
I am scared of who I am and I am ME no matter what.

Singing

There is a special place in my heart that loves to sing and to hear singing. The music of a voice is so powerful to me, it makes my mind still and quite.

When I was in school I sang in my school choir and loved every moment of it. The moment everyone opened their mouths and started to sing together it was like heaven to me.

Poems

Sweet kisses with lingering passion
Hands moving on clothing, hard and searching
Eyes of hazel burning with fire
Fingers of infinite knowledge tease and taunt
Glasses bumping together with silly laughter
Warm lips with a searing hot tongue
Superior height granting weak knees
Deep thrusts leading to everlasting heights


Lingering in my heart
Feeling of bodies pressing
Tingling lips and hard nipples
Shacking legs, silent moans
Spreading heat
Tears
Not expecting love
Shadow feeling of burning passion
Aches


Just some poems that I wrote that I found floating around thought I would post them here. Hope you guys enjoy.

Manners

I don't know about everyone else but manners are pretty important to me. Now I mean the normal stuff like please and thank you, but I also mean some manners that not everyone thinks of.

I am neurotic about making sure that I say thanks to anyone who helps me in some way. I think that some waiters have wanted to shoot me for all my please and thank you as dinner moves on. But my parents where so big on the making sure that my siblings and I where polite to the T.

Also as time goes by I have come up with my own set of rules when it comes to everyday things. If I am waiting for the bus and someone else was waiting before me, they get to get on first, anyone who came after me goes after me. When I am on the bus if someone is older then me, pregnant, with kids, injured in some way or looks just plan beat they get my seat. If you are younger then me or the same age you get to fight it out sorry. Then there is the bathroom oh this drives me mad. I hate when I go into a bathroom with say 12 stalls and I sit at the very last stall and all the rest are empty and someone comes in and sits right next to my stall. Why, are you lonely do you need to sit next to someone to pee I just don’t understand it. I try to put at least one stall between me and someone else if I can at all help it, it just seems like the thing to do.

I also don't get people who yell at customer service reps whether they be over the phone or at a fast food restaurant. Just because it's there job to smile and make your food does not mean you have the right to treat them like they are below you. If something is wrong with your food, be polite ask them nicely to fix it don't scream that they are stupid and don't know what they are doing. You have no idea of what power they have over you and your food, please for your sake and there’s, don't make them mad.

Maybe I'm a little nuts when it comes to what is right and wrong but I would rather be over polite then under and hurt someone’s feelings.

Adult

Being an adult can be so hard and yet so simple at the same time. Life in general is hard you have to make hard choices everyday. But in the end the choice is yours which is why it is so hard. When you’re a kid everyone else makes the big choices for you, all you have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride. Now this is not always easy because some times the people making these choices don't always do the right thing for you.

I find that I make a lot of mistakes in my life, bad choices. I have hurt people I love and myself with these decisions but in the end I have learned from them. Some of the things I have learned the most from are the things that have hurt the most. I love my life and the people in it but I keep doing thing that are bad and could hurt others.

Love, now that's a hard thing. Love is so complicated; you really can't chose who you love. You can chose who you end up with, but you can go on loving someone you may never see again. My first love in my life I still love to this day, its different then when I first loved him but it's there. I don't want to leave my husband or anything because of it but I will always hold that love in my heart, and it will always ache a little for him. Sometimes I wish you could be with more then one person at once but the general populace looks on that badly. As much as I want to not care what other people think you can't help it, you live in this world you have to deal with these people everyday.

Love can be fast and hard, that is how it has mostly been for me. I know when I saw the person I loved them and wanted them. I did everything I could to get them I never wavered, I can be very determined if I have to be. My husband I liked him and I made it clear to him I did, I was only 18 and he was 32 but that did not matter to me. I talked to him and hung around with him, I was the first to touch his hand the first to kiss him. I was always the one taking the first steps making the first move, and I hate it. I want to be grabbed and kissed, I want to not have to make that choice but that seems to be my lot in life. Now love can also come slow and sneaky, coming at you when you least expect it. You can be with a person for years as friends just talking and really enjoying their company and maybe you will even become serious in the sense of intimacy but love is not there. Then one day you look at that person and you realize that you love them, and it digs into you holding you hostage. How could it sneak up on you like that, then you realizes that it has always been there but it was hidden by you. You did not want to love that person for some reason but in the end love won out. It's not always in your best benefit to love this person but you do. Now this has not happened to me but I have so many friends that have had this happen and it usually ends badly not always but usually.

I guess life as a grownup can be a gamble you just have to choose where to stand and make your bets and hope that you made the right decision.

Winter

Winter in a lot of ways is my least favorite season. Living where I live the snow can really pile up and make your life a misery, I also hate the cold air and the stupid drivers that come with the snow.

But winter can be beautiful and magically as well and that's what ends up saving it for me. I remember many winter days playing with my sister and brother in the snow, building snow men or just fooling around. As I grew older I remember winter days spent walking with my boyfriend holding his gloved hand, seeing the frosted trees and kissing under a cool moon. Now as an adult winter holds a new place for me a time of indoor play and nights wrapped in a blanket with my husband watching the snow fall outside the window.

Christmas also makes winter special to me. When I was a kid on the first of December my family would put up the tree and when we where all done we would turn all the lights off except for the tree and we would sit around and listen to Christmas music and watch the lights. It was a good time for me, my family was always happy during the holiday season. Even if we had no money my mom would always make sure to make us something so we would have something under the tree on Christmas day.

All and all I guess winter holds special memories for me and in that way it ends up being my favorite season of all.