Confidence

As this all happens I can't help thinking am I really that great or is he just saying it, I don't want to fish for compliments I feel like I just can't stop bitching about myself.  I want something but I just don't know what it is, and I how can I get it if I don't know what it is.  I'm tired of being this whacked out person and feeling lost. Can't I have a revelation like those people in the movies like "bingo!" can't I have that.

I want to be worth something, I don't want to be broken any more. I want to be a person to look at, to want, to still fall for. I just don't know how to feel that way anymore, don't know where my confidence has gone.

Want

I want to be someone that someone wants, I want to be wanted.  It's not that people don't want me in their lives it's just that I want to be "WANTED". Rob knows what it's like to be wanted by someone he has girls wanting him all the time. I want to feel that, I want to know what it's like to have someone just crave you. I know that Rob wants me but over time that want changes it mellows, I always get jealous seeing him be free to want others and have them want him.  Its not the people I am jealous of its the experience.

All this time I have been saying I am living in a Poly relationship and I am but I have been doing nothing Poly. I have been watching Rob from the sidelines wishing that I could be involved wishing that I could be out there on the field playing the game too.  It must be such a rush to feel that NRE to just reveal in someone burning for you again.  I don't know how to find something like that and I'm sick of thinking of settling for some girl I may not like just because she might be interested in me.  I want to find a girl who likes me and who I like but I don't know where to go or even how to look. I don't know if I even want to deal with the hassle of it all.

Sometimes

Sometimes it takes completely breaking down and crying as if there is nothing left for you to finally find your way.  I honestly did not know what to do anymore and I just had to let it out and hope everything came out for the best. It really hurt but I think thinks might be starting to look up again. I never dreamed that we would get to a place like that but I think the miscarriage threw us off our grove and left both of us in place where we felt out of control.  We just took different ways of trying to get control and freedom from our scary reality.

I have no idea what is going to happen now but I feel better, and even if its only a little better it tells me that there is an end to this tunnel of crap and I can reach it.  Poly is a scary thing people and I believe that honesty is the most important thing no matter what.  Honesty about everything not just the relationships your in, how your feeling, what you can handle EVERYTHING. Without it things will never work and everyone just gets hurt. I want my life to be more like that from now on it will take some doing but we have gone thru a lot in the last 6 years we can do this too.

Truth For Myself

So much has been beating down on me and I have been just letting it happen, I have let it steam roll me. I need to stand up and say how I feel and take control of my speeding car of a life. I love Rob with all of my heart but I need to be honest with him, we need to sit down and figure out where our life is going and how to get there happily. I need him to be more honest with me and I need to be more honest with him otherwise we are going to lose in this relationship game. I don’t want to lose what we have, the openness and the freedom of how we talk to each other. My heart would break if we had to separate but I am no longer going to sacrifice my happiness and my self worth to save it. If I don’t speak for myself I will just become a shadow of myself here with Rob but not really a person. I have been fading away lately and I have not liked how that has been feeling I am not ready to let this happen to myself.

I need to loss weight I am sick of being this fat girl, sick of being slow and out of breath. I need to care about myself and the people around me and actually make an effort to get this weight off of me. I have a lovely body and a beautiful face I’m sick of hiding it beneath all this fat. Truly that is what I am doing too; I’m hiding it because for some reason I feel like I deserve to be like this. I need to see myself as worthy to be thin and healthy; I want to feel like a real person.

I am going to change and our relationship is going to change, I know that this might not be easy but we need to become better. I need to make myself into the best person I can be. I need to except what I have and make it better, stop being sad about it and show what I can do with what it. If I can do this I know that I can be happy and that I can shine again, I can be the happy person I was and make all the people around me a little happier because of it.

Lies

I hate lies they make me crazy.  I am not perfect and have told my own lies in the past but I feel like I have done my best to turn over a new leaf.  Almost all of my past boyfriends (ex-husband) have lied to me.  My first boyfriend was dating another girl while he was dating me and I had to find out when she came to my lunch table at school and wanted to fight for him.  I told her she could have him and laughed about it, why the hell would I want to fight for him.  My ex-husband told me a ton of lies about his past and I eat it up until he finally told me the truth, and I forgave him.

What would you do if someone kept lying to you, do you keep taking it or do you finally take a stand and do something that tells them that its not ok to use you?

I hate when someone try's to make me feel like there is something wrong with me.

Let it out

I think I get why people do crazy and stupid things sometimes.  Like getting a really drastic hair cut or sleeping with some random person at a bar.  Or stealing a car for a joyride.  I think people do it to try to get out some pain or angry that is deep inside of them.  Something they just can't seem to handle and need some way to let it out even if they have to burn it out.  I also think it has some roots in controlling something in their life.  They can't control the other crappy things that are happening in their life but at least they can control this moment.

I have never wanted to be crazy or dumb but I will say that it does feel like I need to do something to deal with these feelings that keep building inside.  I need to find a way to let all of this out or I am going to explode.  

In One Of Those Movies

I feel like I am in one of those movies where everything is going wrong and the main characters are trying to do there best to fix it but it ends up not working.  Like the girl starts dating the guy to make the other guy jealous and she finally gets the guy but realizes that she is now in love with the fake boyfriend but now it's to late.  Or the couple who gets pregnant to fix their marriage but it only makes it worse.  Or the friends who accidentally kill some one and instead of telling someone they hide it and end up paying for it with their lives.

Thats how I feel right now like everything is going wrong and I am doing my best to make it better and make the best of it but I'm just going to get screwed in the end anyways. How do you fix that what can you honestly do but smile and bear it and hope everything does work out in the end, maybe I can get one of those romantic comedy endings instead.  I should be so lucky huh.

Empty Space

So much has happened lately and it really has made me think about how I am feeling about everything in my life.  I feel like I have lost myself somewhere in the last year or two, I don't know who I am.  At work I do a job just so I can make money, I have no idea what I am going to be doing in 10 years I have no ambition.  I tried to think of what my career goals are and I have none, there is nothing that I dream of doing.  I used to think I wanted to train but now I see how stressed out and unhappy our trainers are and I just don't think I want that.

At home I just feel lost and rundown.  I started taking singing lessons and for awhile it really made me feel good but I realized I was never going to do anything with it, I was not going to join a choir, do a play or sing with a group.  I had no drive to do anything, I am to scared and make excuses as to why I can't make the time.  I feel like a big empty space right now. I get to leave the house to hang out with friends maybe twice a month and I honestly have no drive to push for more time.  I'm so trapped and its my own doing I have given up trying to get out.

I watch other people experiencing life and I am so envious of them, I want the freedom to do what they do. Most of all I wish that I could be selfish and not care what will happen to the people around me if I make a bad choice and just do something that will make me happy.  I would love to throw my worries and responsibilities out the window and just follow a fun fling so that I feel special damn the consequences. But I am not going to do any of those things I am going to sit and cry and just feel worthless.

I need to stop feeling and acting like a teenage and act my age.  Choose my goals, find my friends again and not lean so heavily on the one think in my life that I thought was the most important. I need to figure out what I want and then kick myself in the ass.

WWE

So one of my secret loves is WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) Rob reinterduced me to it and I am so happy he did. I love the comedy of it and the difficulty because it really a difficult sport.  These guys have to put on a show while they are getting the poop beat out of them.  It is truly something that makes my Monday nights a joy.

Tonight one of the semi-retired wrestlers and commentator Jerry Lawler passed out at ring side, now they do a lot of fake Injuries on the show but this was real. I truly hope that he is ok he has had such a great career and is such an interesting person.  I send my thoughts to him and good wishes to him.

Coming Back From Failure

The last couple of weeks have been really hard for me in a lot of different area's of my life.  I have felt like a failure in so many ways. At my work I was demoted back to the phones after being a couch for 2 years, because of my attendance issues.  When it comes to illnesses for Ellie I am the one that has to stay home and if some one has to go get Ellie from daycare for some reason that is me as well. Rob makes a lot more then I do so my job is really the one that has to suffer. It's not really his fault because his job is really more important but it sucks that I am now stuck back on the phones. So this just makes me feel like I am a failure when it comes to my career.

Then I had a miscarriage and all I can say about that is it make me feel like a failure as a women even thoug I know it is not the truth.  I just feel like I can't do anything well, I want to do something well.

Right now I am really just trying to focus on the things I can control like being a good mom for Ellie and a good partner for Rob. Seeing Ellie and loving her with all my heart has really helped me with some of it, her little voice and happy smile is everything.

I want to get past the random crying for no reason and the anxiety about my life changing.  I want to have some stability in my life since nothing else seems to want to be stable for me, but I can't even have that.  It seems like everything just keeps hammering at me, one thing after another.  I want to come back from this failure not nesicarly as a winner but at least on an even keel. I need something good to happen for me I need someone or something to cut me a break and help me get back on my feet. I am just so tired, I know I can get there I am just so tired of all the crap that keeps getting thrown at me.

What Hurts

I’m just hurt and sad. I always though we had a pretty honest relationship and I just feel so hurt. Hurt because he feels like he has to lie and sad because he did. When I asked him to be honest about it he still lied to me and then asked me why I did not trust him. It made me so upset that he tried to pin it on me and make me feel bad.

Honestly the madness has really faded for me and now I am just really sad. I never wanted to be here, I wanted him to always feel like he could tell me everything. I try not to look at everything as if it is a one way street, so I wonder if this is something that I may have caused. Its very possible that he is the one to blame in this and he just does not want to be honest but it’s just as possible that I may have made him feel like he can not be honest with me for something’s.

I am so tired with everything that has happened to me in the last couple of months and I just don’t think I have it in me to deal with this.

Remembrance Tattoo

My mom made me a beautiful tattoo to remember my lost baby, it's amazing. A little explanation about it I already have two tattoos of my little ponies, a purple one for me and a yellow and orange one for Ellie.  So this really fits in with me, I feel like this will help me in a small way to feel like I will remember my baby. As I have said before I am so worried about forgetting this baby I need something to remind me in some way. 

Forgetting

I have never wanted anything more in my life then to be pregnant again, it's making me nuts. Rob and I talked about waiting 4 or 5 months before we started to try again and I just don't know if I can wait that long.  I have tried to explain to him how I feel and I just don't thing I am getting it across to him. I feel like I need to get past this part I need to get pregnant and get past the 11 week mark to feel safe.  Until I do I am just going to worry myself into a tizzy, thinking that I can't do it.  Before all this I read an artical once that talked about women wanting to have a baby right away after having a miscarriage and I could not understand it at the time. I would think "Why do that want to do that won't it be to hard so soon, or maybe they should give them self some time." But now I finally understand you have to its not about replacing the baby you lost its about feeling like your not a failure, that you can have a healthy and happy baby safely.

I am so scared about all of this, I feel like it never happened all of it the pregnancy and the lose. It's so frightening, I don't want to forget.

Miscarriage

I don't really know how to feel I had a miscarriage this week, the baby was just 11 weeks old. I know that it was early and that's what I keep saying to everyone when they say they are sorry. But in reality I am sad everything happened so quickly it almost does not seem real.  The miscarriage it's self was scary and traumatic, I had no idea what was going to happen. I wanted someone to be able to tell me what to do and how to possibly stop it.  By the end I just wanted it to be over and know if I had really lost my baby or not. I never really got the word, they just told me that I needed to get a D&C because the bleeding was so bad. I wanted to hear the words from my doctor to really know what happened, but I was so confused and lost I did not know what to ask or how.  I feel like I did not stick up for myself, I know that there was no stoping the miscarriage and that it did happen but I wish someone had explained more.

I wish I could have meet this baby we did not even get to hear its heart beat it was so early, I did not even have a name picked out. When It first started I had an ultrasound and they told me that there was a small tear of the placenta from the uterus which was causing the problem they told me to rest and not to lift anything. I did not get to see the ultrasound pictures, I wish that I had asked to see them just so I could of had something to remember.  But I was to focused on trying to make sure everything went ok. Then that night everything went to shit and I ended up in the ER by an ambulance and then in the morning that's when the pregnancy finally ended.

I miss the pregnancy, I miss the dream that this baby was.  I miss dreaming of what this baby would have been like and looked like.  Crying does not seem to help I think only time will make me better and having another pregnancy that does not end badly.  It's so scary knowing that this can happen for real instead of just to the people around me or in books and movies, it makes me worry that it will happen again.  I know it is not a guaranty that it will happen again but it is still so scary.

I want to do something to remember the baby by but I don't know what.  I have nothing to remember it by no ultrasound picture no body nothing it's so disheartening.  I was thinking a tattoo or a tree, but if the tree does not do well I think that will just make me sad.  Maybe a small plaque or a small box to bury I just don't know it's so frustrating.  I hate all of this, I hate feeling this way and going thru this I just wanted it to be ok but it was not.

Twin Sister

I have not written in a very long time but my mommy posted something on her blog that really got me thinking.  She was talking about my sister and how sick she is and how she wishes that there could be more for her life.  My identical twin sister is dying, she has a disease called Focal Segmental Glomerlo Sclorosis, it basically kills your kidneys.  You can get as many new ones as you like but it will eventual kill each one, the one I gave her lasted 9 years. She got married, had a beautiful baby girl and found a hobby that makes her happier then I have ever seen her. But now she is going to have to get a new kidney because mine has finally failed as well. She has an amazing friend who is going to give her one which will help her get more time, but no one really knows how much time. This new kidney might not even take, which would be horrendous and I pray it does not happen.  


What is so bad about this is that I can't think about her dying, it's not fair she is not allowed to leave me.  We have had our fights, and our disagreements but it never mattered.  I could always see her and there would be instant understanding, no judgment.  No one fits as well as she does, there is nothing that could fit in her place.  Being able to lay in bed with her and talk about our troubles and our dreams have been some of the best times in my life.  I don't even know how to explain what it would mean not to have her. We have gone months without seeing or talking to each other, but when we come together its like there was never space its like we where always right next to each other.  I would just break inside.


I don't know what can be done in this and I know that she is dealing with so much more then I am but I can't help thinking about the world with out my other soul in it.

Death

Last night I was hanging out with some friends and the conversation came to death, one of my friends Aunts is struggling with cancer and her Mother is very upset about the possibility of her death. While talking about it I realized how callus I was sounding about it and it made me try to explain why I was sounding that way.

When I was younger I thought I did not have a good grasp of death because I only had one person I know pass away my Great Grandmother. I was around 6-7 years old so I don’t have much memory and at that age you really don’t grasp death and what it means for you. So I always thought I was so detached about it because it has never really hit my life, then my grandfather passed about 2 years ago. I cried and told people how sad I was, but I look at it and realize a lot of it was because I was doing what I thought was the right thing for someone in my position to do. I missed him and I was sad that he had died but I was not broken up about it, he was older and had a lot of medical issues at that point. Of all of my grandfathers I was closest to him but still the relationship on it’s own was not that close. As my life has gone by people I have vaguely know or meet in passing have passed away with out a blip on my radar, I’m not surprised that I have now feelings about them other then a general “That’s so sad” and a feeling or sadness for their family.

So truly death has still not touched my life with his boney claw, while maybe in passing. My mother has had a scare with cancer and my twin sister has on going kidney issues that are pretty bad. So my close family members are still all here and safe, maybe that is why I can’t understand death.

Right now I look at death as something that happens, the world if full of death natural and not so natural. I tend to look at death even for the one’s I love as something inevitable. I flew in a plane for the first time about a month ago and I was not scared the whole time. If I died when the plane crashed so what, I would be dead nothing I can do at that point. I guess that’s not a fair example that’s my death, I have never been scared of my death I am more scared of being maimed.

So here is the crux of all of this how would I feel if Rob died, Sara (Twin Sister), James (Brother), my parents, or don’t even want to think about it Ellie. How would this change my life and how I look at death. I just don’t know I may feel the same way I may not. I just don’t have the understanding, I apologized to my friend because I was being thoughtless and she kindly excepted it.

UGGGG House!

So we found a house we love it was listed at 94.9K and we put a bid on it for 80K........  and they sent a counter offer of 92.9K, we then sent another higher bid of 87K........ and then the seller did not respond for 2 days she then said she would not look at our offer. She did not say no straight out but she did not give us a counter offer.  What the fuck! All she needs to say is no or this is the price I want to sell at and I am going no lower, but she did not say anything of that.  Everything we have gotten from our Realtor is that she is angry and belligerent.  WHY? What did we do, nothing.  We think she is waiting for her open house this weekend to see if she could get a better offer. The house has already been on the market for 115 days and they have had no buyers. I wonder if this is the reason why, is the owner always doing this when someone makes a bid that she does not like.

Just so frustrated.

Talking

So right now Rob and Heather are not talking to each other, actually its more so Rob is not talking to Heather.  This has been going on for 2 weeks so far.  I don't talk about this on the blogger at all normally but I know mostly my friends read this and they wont say anything to any one involved.

Heather has been having trouble with credit cards for a long time, and this has been causing problems with Rob and Heather off and on in their relationship.  I'm pretty sure that she learned her habits from her parents, most of her sisters have the same credit card issues.  Rob and Heather have dealt with her past very large credit card debt by consolidating it on a loan with her credit union, the only problem is that a credit card is attached to that account. Rob cut up the card with her name on it and had his card locked away.  Heather still has one personal credit card that she is allowed to have with a very low limit.

Well this winter we all decided to us the card to get some repairs on her car that where much needed and to buy a new projector as a group present, that was all the card was supposed to be used for.  So about two weeks ago Rob went and looked at the credit card statement and found at that Heather had been using the card from the moment they took it out of hiding.  She bought a few large purchases and then lots of little purchases thru the month of November and December.  Rob was so so mad, he found out that the bank mailed her a new card with her name on it because the card had expired and that was what she was using.  This has happened before, where she has used the card and should not have been, but it had been awhile a go so Rob had thought that she was getting better.  The night that he tried to talk to her about it she told him that she gotten cared away because of Christmas but since December she has stopped using it.  Then her phone rang upstairs and she left to go answer it instead of staying down stairs to talk to Rob.  Since then he will not talk to her, he is waiting for her to come to him and talk about the card.  She talks to him but will not bring up the card, so he does not talk back.  Now the new month has come and the credit card statement was received but has disappeared, Rob can not find it.

All of this has created a very unhappy feeling in the house most of the time.  I keep trying to tell Rob he should talk to Heather but he is too mad, Heather says she has tried but Rob wont talk back.  Now I am worried that Heather is going to leave if things don't get cleared up soon.  This is all on top of the fact that we are looking at houses and even about to make an offer on one.  I don't know what is going to happen I wish that they would just talk to each other.

New Houses

So we looked at some more houses yesterday and today and it turned out well.  We saw one house on Friday that we really liked and today we found one that we loved.  We have decided to make an offer and see where it goes.

The house has 4 bedrooms, 2 full baths, Living room, Dining Room, Newer Kitchen, closed in Florida room, large basement, new windows, and a very large and accessible attic.  With some wok the Attic could be finished to make another large room. A nice backyard, 1.5 garage, and a generator.

The only small bad points are no ac, and radiator heating. The radiator heating is not so bad, most are covered with really nice covers and they keep the house really warm.

We are really excited, we don't want to get our hopes up because we still have a lot to go thru before it is all done and the house is actually ours so cross your fingers for us please.

Houses 2 & 3

So tonight we are going to look at houses number 2 & 3.  Number 1 was bad, really bad.  The guy who lived there with his son did all these little repairs to try to make the house look good but I think it just made it worse.  The downstairs bathroom had a nice new toilet, Sink with one of those bowls that sit on top of the stand and a beautiful mirror cabinet thing.  But then the wall was covered with this crappy wall paper and the tile on the floor and half of the wall was all beat up and did not meet the wall paper.  The tub was also old and crappy.  All the downstairs rooms had been painted but the guy had not even bothered to remove any nails or screws he just painted over them. The carpet was just nailed down with no pad underneath and it was crappy carpet.  Then you go upstairs and nothing had been done, right in the stairwell the wall had holes all over it and was really dirty.  The roof and the wall did not meet you could see the insulation it was so bad.  I can't believe how much he was asking for that house. The basement was bad too, you could tell the one wall leaked and there where pipes leaking as well.  The wall that leaked also had mold all over it, I don't know how this guy expects to sell his house.

We are really hoping that these next two houses are better, I will post more once we get back tonight.

After:
House number 2
Good: Had 4 bedrooms and a nice big garage and back porch, Two bathrooms and a somewhat half finished basement. 
Problems: The Master bedroom was down stairs and small, there was no bath room upstairs, both bathrooms where on the main floor actually right next to each other.  The kitchen was very outdated, all of the basement finishing was home owner done and not very well. One of the bedrooms upstairs was the size of a walk in closet, and the furnace was old.

House number 3
Good: Very big, nice size rooms and good carpet. New Furnace was put in in 2010.
Problems: Far away from all of our works, Old old house late 18 hundreds.  Kitchen was redone, but was shoddy and poorly laid out, Could tell that the house was settling towards the middle because all the floors where sloping towards the middle.  All updates seemed shoddy and basement was the original from when the house was build. Scary bit the foundation is being held up by two by fours, scary.

So for right now no house.