Grumpa

So this morning around 4 am my grandpa passed away. He had a stroke in January and was recovering fairly well when last week he had another stroke. He was not waking up and after doing the MRI they find that it was a major stroke and they don't think he is going to wake up. When you talked to him he would squeeze your hand sometimes but he was not waking up and he had a to tube down his throat to keep him breathing. On Saturday after seeing how uncomfortable he was with the tube and the possibilities of him actually waking up where so bad my grandma, father, and aunt decided it was time to take the tube out. My grandpa and them all talked about the fact that he did not want to be kept alive with tubes and things after his last stroke that they knew this was what he wanted. The took the tube out and gave him and oxygen mask and a morphine drip to keep him calm and then it was just waiting.

After my mom called me to tell me that they where pulling the tube I started to cry it was to much to think that he was going to die. I had no idea what to do and how to feel. Rob came and held me well I cried, he also told me about how he felt when his grandfather died and it really helped me. I was so happy that I had him there, I never expected to have someone be there to support me.

The next few days where so hard waiting for the call, its not that I wanted him to die I wish that he would have woken up and been all better but the waiting was killing me. All I could think about was my grandma and family going back everyday to watch him slowly pass away I wanted to be there so bad to help them.

After my mom called at 4 I could not go back to sleep I just kept thinking about him so I got up and watched some crappy TV. I was fine numbing my brain until Rob came out to hug me in the morning and I just lost it a little bit. Telling him what happened made me think about it and thus tears and Chandra weeping. I don't know how I am going to be in the next couple of days I think I may end up losing it again, all day I have lost it in little spurts. I have never dealt with death before I really just don't know what will happen.

In a few weeks they are going to have a memorial service because my grandmother can't handle a funeral. Right now I am just trying to figure things out and I hope I can get some sleep tonight.