Babies such a horrible problem for me. I desperately want one with a need so strong it overwhelms me sometimes. Right now is just not the right time to have one it really is not, but I can’t get my mind and body to care. Heather’s starting a new job, her mother is dying, we just moved into this apartment, and we are trying to get ourselves financially stable. I want to care I need to care but I just can’t seem to. I am so scared that I will never have children and I want them so badly. I don’t want to go on the pill because for some reason I truly feel that if I do that will be the end I will never have children if I do.
I don’t know what it is but I feel like I am running out of time that if I don’t do this soon I never will, and I also feel like I need to. I don’t know if this is just my stupid female body doing this to me or if it is something deeper driving me.
I just don’t know what to do, it’s stupid I should be able to relax and just let it happen but I can’t. I have gone on and on about this is the past and it seems to just keep coming back to me full circle. I want to stop, I’m so stressed out over it but nothing seems to be helping. I don’t want to cry about it, I don’t want to think about it, it breaks my heart.
Why can’t I be like a normal women one who can have a baby with a little planning why does my body have to suck, why can’t it work correctly. With me it could take years for me to get pregnant and that’s with a lucky shot. If for some reason I can’t get past my body issues I don’t think I can even adopt not with the relationship I am in, I am almost sure that no adoption agency would place a child with me. Plus I will never have the money to do all the crazy fertility stuff or to pay some women to have my kid. I just don’t know what to do and honestly sometimes it kills me, I look at women who can have children so easily and it makes me cry. I want to hold a baby in my arms and smell it and fell it breath, knowing that I did that. I hate myself why can’t I do this something so part of my makeup the makeup of all women and I can’t.
I know that I could get lucky when the time is right and just pop I’m pregnant but I just don’t think so. My heart is just heavy and I feel a little gray right now I’m just not my normal happy self. I hope I can get over this it’s just hard.
Don't worry bink when ever you want to you can kidnap my baby, she loves you so much!
ReplyDeleteThe pill won't keep you from having a baby forever. In fact, two of my pregnancies were when I was on the pill, and then fucked up a dose. You have time. I know it doesn't seem like you do, but you do.
ReplyDeleteIt might set your mind at ease, if you discuss it with your gynecologist, and maybe come up with an actual plan on how to get pregnant instead of just trusting to fate or chance. You might be able to try some options paid for by your insurance.
Or even not a drug option, maybe a way to track when you actually ARE fertile, or something.
ReplyDelete