Rambling

I fell better knowing that I can make love to him. Everything can be so hard but when I am with him holding him it all seems so unimportant. All my life sex has seemed to be a guard for me a safe place I think that’s why I have clung to it so strongly. It’s not like I have had a horrible life but I think some things have shaped me more then I can understand.

Sara is a big part of it, I need to be close to someone because of her. I have always had her near and felt her love, annoyance, anger, happiness everything I can’t live without it. I think if I had to live on my own I would eventually crumble, I need to be with someone I have had that my whole life. I think at first I was filling my life with men that would do that for me fill my need of love and I don’t think I ever really thought about the choice I just did it. Now I think for the first time I am really thinking, using my brain to see Rob and all the things he represents. In some ways he has forced me to do that for so long I looked at my behavior and said it’s ok I can’t help it people have to understand that. What I have come to see is that yes they understand but that does not mean that it does not hurt them. He made me see things in my self that I needed to change, he helped me to realize that I had to do something’s on my own. I hope that I have been able to change him in some good way, or to see himself or the world in a different way.

All I know is that right now I fell like I am new. I feel lost in him and life and love. Living in our home being with Heather and him give me so much joy. I bitch and complain about little things but I don’t think I have ever been happier. All my bills are paid on time, I have a nice clean room and house to live in and lots of friends. When I get to sleep with him, it’s such a small bed and sometimes I fell hot or he steals the blankets and I’m cold or I’m squished on the edge of the bed. But even because of all of that I would not give it up I love having him laying there, felling his warm fighting for the blankets, snuggling up to him. The way he looks at me sometimes is so amazing, he looks as if he loves me so so much, cherishes me even.

All of this is a little bit ramble but it all just sort of came out and I wanted to let it.