Not Enough

Sometimes I think I drive Rob nuts with how many times I tell him I love him but its because I am trying so hard to get out how I really feel. I keep opening my mouth hoping the right thing will come out but its too big. Love just does not seem enough.

One night I was laying with him and it was like a physical ache inside me I needed so badly to be close to him. I was holding him so tightly to myself and so was he but it still hurt and I think it hurt him too, we could not get close enough. I don't know what it is that draws me so strongly to him I have tried figuring it out but I can't seem to see it. He has all the things that a normal person has, good, bad, in between. Some people would say more bad but I don't think so there is a lot of good in him it's just different.

He makes me laugh and cry, in all the good ways. He makes me feel, sometimes when I don't think I can. Its hard I'm not always happy and I can't see it myself but he does, I need that. He is always sure things will work out, while I always worry deep inside that they will not. He really does, he refuses to plan for things in the negative. I think I long for that in myself, I would love to let go of my fears and just know I am always going to be here with him. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by sex I can't stop wanting it, needing it even thought I know I'm pushing. I see that in him too, I don't always want to be driven so hard by it but I see him struggle as well and it makes me feel better. He looks at me and I honestly want to know what he sees, his eyes look so happy. I look at me and I see me, I can't find what about my face makes him so happy. I tried to think about his face and how it makes me smile and I can't pin point why I just cant.

Lots of people say that they want to have there loved ones baby because they want something that is a little bit of both of them. I want that I do but truly I want more of him, I live with me everyday I don't need more of me. I want to see what he was like when he was growing up, I know that a baby is his own individual self but there will be pieces of Rob in there. I want to see the joy and pride in Robs heart when he see's how much his son will be like him. Smart, funny, full of sass. Nothing can be more important to me then having that baby with Rob there so he can hold him when he is born, see how tiny he is. I never realized how small babies really are, I want to see him holding that tiny baby. I need that and I think Rob understands how much I need that baby. It's scary, so much can happen with children but I am truly willing to take that risk and jump right in.

I don't think I will ever be able to tell Rob how big this feeling I have for him is, or how much it makes me feel whole. I will just continue to live my life seeing myself as a better person because of what he sees and wishing I knew how he was able to find it in me.