Having A Baby

So I always knew that having a baby changed your life, but I can say I am surprised at somethings that have happened. I feel somewhat disconnect with my life like I am watching things happen not really participating, it's really weird. The connection that I felt for Rob is different, I sill love him so much but something is different. I don't know if it's because right now we can't be intimate and that is a big part of our relationship or if it's because I have Ellie now and I am not so dependent on his love.

Every night I am so tired from taking care of Ellie and Rob is so tired from working all day that we kind of just sit and chill. I don't have that same feeling of closeness that I had with him for so long, I'm really sad about it. It could all just be that we need time to settle into this new life with a baby but right now it's really throwing me off.

The other problem is that I am trying so hard not to think about having to go back to work in a couple of weeks because I know that it will make me so sad. I don't want to leave Ellie, I really want to raise her and see her grow. I don't want to just see her on the weekends and at night when I get home from work. She is so important for me and I truly hate missing the most important part of her life, where she is becoming a person.

I also don't think Heather is adjusting to this as well as I would hope. We really need to sit down with her and talk about what how she wants to be in Ellie's life. I still wish she was truly interested in this life and not just hanging on because she loves Rob. I want our life to be happy and content and I don't think Heather is ever going to fell that way. I think she is always going to wonder if she fits and if things would just be better if she left or I left. I want her to know what she wants and do it. I truly sound like a broken record when it comes to this so I will move on.

Ellie is wonderful and I look at her and love her more then I can possible say, nothing can change that for me. I wish I could have had that last month of pregnancy but 8 months was OK. I can't wait till I am pregnant again, I loved it so much. There where hard parts but the feeling of having a baby inside of you is like nothing else. I also wish the labor had been different, if I get pregnant again I plan on doing things differently. For one I plan on staying natural and maybe even doing a water birth. It's funny labor is hard, scary and painful but I would do it again because it was so neat doing something that only I could do for my baby.

Welp I know I have more to say but I can't think of it know so I will come back when I can.