I have missed Rob a lot the last couple of months. It's not like he is away a lot or anything it's just that he has seemed so unlike himself. I miss the man that he was, silly, goofy, antagonistic, playful, happy, and here. The last couple of months have been hard so much has happened and it seems to have taken a lot of the life out of him. I wish there was something we could do to bring that life back. I don't know if he needs to go away for a bit to get some time on his own to refresh himself, or there are just things that need to be settled before life can go on. I think that in some ways he is never going to be the same man, I think to much has happened for him to be able to go back completely to the carefree man he was.
I love him now as I loved him before but I just miss seeing the light in his eyes. I want to hold him and see him get better, but I know it's not going to happen.
I feel tired too, just so worn out. I know some of it has to do with the baby but I know that a lot of emotional stuff is wearing me out too. I don't know if in some ways this is my fault, I had this vision in my head of how it should be when I got pregnant and what is happening now is not it. I thought I would have time to relax and get ready for what is coming, I thought everything would be nice and calm after the initial freak out. Everything is so crazy, I still don't know how Heather truly feels about this and even if I ask her I don't think I will ever get her true inner answer. She is not going to tell her family and I think this will end up being a mistake I know this is her choice but I think it's going to bite us in the butt. So much is going to change in the next few months and I would just like to know how everyone is going to handle it. I know it's not going to be easy but it would be nice to have a general idea that everyone is willing to stick it out with this and not cut and run, and right now I am not sure of that.
I just want to see everyone happy again in my little family, I miss the joy we used to have in our house. I thought this baby would bring more happiness but with everything being so fucked up because of other things it feels like it has just been buried. It feels so empty I just want our heart back.
This is a really big issue, and I have a lot of opinions, but will only offer this one up for you to ponder.
ReplyDeleteBabies are never what you wanted. Pregnancy is never what you thought it would be, your reactions aren't, there is never enough time, and people are too complicated to make it what you imagined. They are hard work, a life time of commitment, and really scary. It might take a really long time to have any lasting joy come out of this, and that is just how it is, no matter how stable the base relationship is. You are never, ever, going to get a storybook life from this. You will get a life time of hard work punctuated by small moments of joy. You might even attain contentment.
My suggestion is that you give this time. You've changed everyone's lives in a direction they've always said they did not want to go. They are going to need a bit of space to make this work out in their heads and hearts.
I understand that babies are not easy and that this is not what Heather wanted. But when I got in to this relationship I made it clear that I was not willing to do it if a baby was not involved at some point. As much as she felt she was steamrolled into this life (and in someways she truely was) she said yes.
ReplyDeleteRob is not easy to live with, he really does not give you a choice, he told her he wanted to be with me and her and that was it or she could leave. She is upset that he did not give her the option of him leaving me and it just being her and him. I understand how this is upseting he basicaly gave her no choice if she wanted to be with him she had to take me, I understand and belive me I feel her pain in this. Rob really does not give you a choice. But the thing is that Her wish for him to give her the option of just him and her would have been a lie. He could have never given that to her, they could have never gone back to the life she wanted. Rob is who he is he can't change it, if he had stayed with her and left me somewhere down the road it would have been someone else.
I am just sick of everyone lying to themselves. If Heather really can't deal with this then she should go I know at first she will be sad but in the long run won't she be happier if she is living a life that she choose. I also wish Rob would be honest with himself in the fact that he wants to be fully Poly, and if he can't be happy being just faithful to Heather maybe he should tell her the truth.
I am not perfect and I know I have mad mistakes and will continue to do so but in this I just want everyone to make the choice to fit there life. I ment what I said when I asked Heather two years ago if she really wanted to do this I was ok with it but if not I was not. She said yes she was willing to try, well I think it's time that people have to make a solid choice be happy with the life you have or move on.
I am happy with the life I have I hate some of the issues we deal with but in the long run I am happy.
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