Of Late

Lately I have not really posted a lot, so much is going on in my life that I don't know how to put into words. I wanted this to be a place that I could express my thoughts and feelings but of late it has just been a hole I look into. I never wanted to keep a blog that was so emo but I am truly sick of keeping this empty just because I don't like what I'm writing. The good and the bad has to be here.

The baby: This baby is everything to me I am clinging to it right now like a life preserver. I have wanted him in my life since I can't remember and now I have him and it seems like everything has gone to shit. My mother once said that there is a curse on my family, that whenever something good happens something equally bad happens to negate it out. This has pretty much held true for my whole life, the one thing that has changed is that in the last couple of years I have looked at it a different way. Maybe it was not a curse after all it was a blessing. Maybe something good happens to me because fate knows that something horrible is coming around the corner and it is trying to help make it not so bad. It can't make my life the happiest but it is trying to not make it the worst ether. Example: My mother had he uterus removed which she has been fighting to have done for years, we are all so happy. Then they find that she has cancer, we are all scared and worried but maybe that was the point. Maybe the reason fate finally let her have this surgery is because it knew about the cancer and wanted to make sure she was safe. So far after all the test and other surgeries that have not found the cancer anywhere else then in the uterus. As scary and bad a time this has been maybe there was a reason.

The thing that is making this so hard for me is that I did not want my baby to be one of those things but sadly I think it's true. I finally get pregnant and I am so happy, then all of these things in our life that have been hovering around just explode. I know some of the exploding has to do with the baby but some of it was all on it's own. Will this baby be something to help me as I watch our relationship crumple around us or will it be a presence to bring us back together. I just did not want this for my baby. I wanted to just enjoy this time, feel this baby inside me and know that I am going to love him so much when he comes out. I did not want him to just be a buffer for the bad things.

Our relationship: I have no idea where the fuck we are going, no clue. So much is out of my control, it's like a train wreak I have to just watch and hope that everyone comes out ok. I truly don't have much to say because really there is nothing I can do. I love Rob will never stop loving Rob but sometimes my love is not enough. I can't help him through this I can just be there. Heather is my friend but we will never be as close as we where I can't be the confidant and companion she needs. They have to make their own beds and lie in them, where they will be and who they will be with in the end if anyone I have no idea.

I just want my life to be simple, but really I'm dumb because nothing with Rob can be simple. Maybe if things had gone differently 8 years ago, maybe if people had realized things about themselves and what they wanted this would be different. But maybe I would not be here I would be somewhere else just as crazy.

I really am just going to have to ride this out and hope that we can work this out or at least separate and all go good ways. I have to live this life no matter what, I have a baby to think about now and I plan on doing my best for him.