Up and Down

So my weekend was a full one, some really great times and some really really crapy times.

On Saturday Rob, Heather, Matlock and I went to Darien Lake for my work Picnic. We had a great time, there was free food for both dinner and lunch and free drinks as well. We rode some water rides and even got to go on some rollercoaster’s; in the whole it was an amazing day.

Now for Sunday not such a good day it sucked as a matter of fact. So the morning was nice I woke up early and Rob saw me so he came and tucked me and laid with me until I feel asleep again. When I finally woke up again we all spend sometime playing on our computers then we got ready for gaming. Rob was super happy about using his new mini which Heather had done an amazing job painting, and we where looking forward to really getting in to Eric’s game. Now for the crap, so we finally get to Eric and Autumns place after stopping at the store quickly and the first thing I notice is Megan is sitting in my seat. Now I am carrying stuff so I did not have a chance to say anything, I did plan on saying something once I had put my stuff down but Rob got to it first sadly. I could tell as soon as he got in the door he was pissed, he looked at Megan and said it was not her seat she ignored him as she often does and then he asked her to move saying it was our seat. Megan said it used to be but it was a new game so it was not anymore. Now mind you I was mad at this comment since it was my seat she was in and I understand that there are no name plates written on them but I had been sitting there for some time and things had worked out just fine. But I was willing to let it go until I had a chance to talk to her, but this only made Rob madder so he got mean. He told Megan that he did not want to sit next to her because she smelled, Heather and I tried to calm him down but Megan was pissed now so she commented back and it just want badly from there. Rob finally came to me and asked for the keys, he kissed me and Heather and then went to leave as he was doing so he punched Megan in the arm and told her that it was the best he could do and left. He did not really hurt her with the punch but it was still bad and we all knew it including Rob, mind you he does not fell badly about it but he knows it was wrong.

This of course makes things hard, I am very mad at Megan because I feel she was being antagonistic on purpose and to be honest I have not had friendly feelings towards her for some time. But now because of Rob hitting her that throws all this out the window, I can’t be mad at her even thought I feel she was as much at fault in this argument as Rob was. It spiraled out of control and if he had just walked out we may have been able to deal with it but now we can’t. I understand Rob’s temper he is amazing I have only really seen him lose his temper twice including this since I first meet him which was ten years ago; but when he does it is usually bad. So the fact that he only hit her in the arm and not very hard at that is a miracle, the likelihood of him knocking her teeth out was really high. I am not saying that we should be happy with what he did by any stretch of the imagination but it’s true that it could have been much worse.

I don’t know how to feel here, Rob says he will not came back as long as Megan is gaming with us. I don’t like Megan very much I have tried very hard to give it time so that I can find it in me to like her but I realize that honestly in life you don’t have to like everyone. This is hard for me to handle because I try really hard to be nice to everyone and to find something good in everyone because I know I am not a perfect person so I fell I have no right to judge. But I just can’t like everyone and I think after this I really don’t like Megan, I will continue to game with her but I can’t be her friend. I will continue to be friendly and polite but I don’t plan to hang out with her outside of gaming in any fashion.

When it comes to Rob it’s hard for me to know how to feel, I love him with all my heart and understand that there are certain parts of his personality that will never change as there is in all people, but this one is a hard one. When he dislikes a person he is done with them, he will handle them for a while but when he is done he is just done. He knows he has a bad temper and realizes if he goes back to gaming he will most likely do something that he will regret. He is very depressed about not being able to game anymore with all the rest of the friends but he feels his hands are tied because he just can’t handle Megan with the feelings he has. He also realizes that this is very childish and stupid in a way but again he knows that he can try all he wants but this is a part of his personality he can not suppress. Megan has hit his shit list and thus he can’t take her off not without some miracle. I get it but it does not mean I am happy, I love gaming with Rob so this means Heather and I will have to go to gaming on our own, we only really get two days of complete time with him Heather less because she normal has stuff to do with her family on Saturday. I don’t know what to do I don’t want to stop gaming and Rob is not asking us to he is encouraging us to continue but we want to spend time with him.

Right now I am trying to talk Rob into coming back but I don’t see that happening but Heather and I plan to continue to game with everyone. We will most likely leave a little earlier then we used to just so we can spend some time with Rob but that is subject to change as is everything else.

I really just want things to be fixed I hate stress and drama I really do it makes me feel crappy and ill, everyone in our house is sort of walking around in a depressed fog and I hate it.

Camera

I really really need a camera I hate missing out on pictures. I don't want to look back on my life and have nothing to mark it by, pictures really help you remember things and I want that.

Not Much

I'm sad and happy I don't have much to post lately. This is good because a lot of times I post because I have an issue and lately there have been no major issues.

Rob, Heather and I are really just feeling stuff out, things are going well and I'm happy to no end. I do feel thought that we really need to sit down and have a talk to see how we are all feeling. Mainly because Heather is very good at keeping stuff to herself and I think without us forcing her to talk she may not say it.

One great thing is that it has been a full year since I left Dave as of the 5 of July, and I am so happy about that. I am not happy about the fact that I am not divorced yet but I really have a hard time finding a good lawyer, I wish I knew someone who knew a lawyer. So much had happened in this year and when I look back it boggles my mind.

I have moved in with Rob and Heather, I have two nights with him every week, we show our love pretty openly which is great and I think we really are starting to build a life together. I have also changed a lot as a person, I am happier, I am better with my money, I am trying hard not to lie anymore because I really hate it, and I fell more like myself.

I have talked to Rob about the fact that I really want to have some sort of commitment ceremony next year, don't know when exactly but I am thinking the summer some time. He seems really interested but he really wants to have Heather involved as do I. He thinks that if it is a commitment ceremony where I am marrying to both of them and not just them it will make it easier for Heather and I agree. It will be about sharing my life with both of them and not trying to separate Heather and Rob's relationship. Know I just need to think of how we are going to do it, maybe I will post on my Poly boards and someone there will have a good idea. I really want my friends to be there, also my parents would be happy to be there as well don't know about Rob or Heathers but probably not. I think it's going to end up a lot like a handfasting, so we shall see.

I'm Just Here

Sometimes I am worried that I am ruining Rob and Heather’s marriage. I know I am giving myself a lot of power here since I am really only on the outside of things but it does not stop me from worrying about it. Things are hard for them because of a lot of stuff going on in our lives and I am the least of those troubles, I guess I just feel like I add stress where it does not need to be added.

I’m sad I can feel it creeping up on me trying to nibble its way into my brain. I am trying so hard to not worry about it and just be happy with all the good stuff that is going on but it’s hard. I should not be sad I have a lot, a nice place to live, good friends that I feel like I’m connecting with again and a man who loves me very much. I guess the problems that Rob and Heather are having are effecting me to. Rob seems so down, he is taking all of this so hard I wish I could help him but I can’t. This lifestyle can be hard in more ways then I though of when I started this, I hope things will start to look up. I plan on watching a great and sexy movie tonight and I know that will help to bring my spirits up.

Attraction

Stupid attraction, stupid, stupid, stupid. I'm not a magnet, I can't help it.

Damnit

Damnit damnit damnit! I am so sick of sleeping alone, that's it that is all the whining I am going to do about this.

Slash That

So slash the two nights thing as soon as I get it, its gone. Rob and Heather are having some problems and as sad as I am about giving up what I've just earned I realize their marriage is more important then a night. I think I am part of their problems but surprisingly enough not the main contributor I think other things are coming out ahead.

I really hope that this can get fixed because I really do like the two of them together, I think they may need counselling but it is so hard to find a Poly friendly one. I'm sad about this but even before Rob told me the night was off for a bit I had decided to tell him to go sleep with Heather. Let the summer relationship drama begin.

Yuck I want things to be happier, I was so hoping that moving to the new place would give us a chance for some peace but I guess not right now. I hope everyone else's summer goes well.

Update: More Nights

So Heather gave me Thursday I did not even have to ask she just said "Hey I was thinking it's time you got another night how about Thursdays?"

I don't know what to say I was stunned and so happy, things must be going better then I think they are.

Rob and Heather are having some issues but unfortunately I don't know how soon that will be fixed. Rob is resentful that Heather is choosing her family over him, he misses her and is upset that the last 6 years of their marriage she has been taking care of them and now that we have moved away he still never sees her. He wants to really have a marriage with her but it feels like they are just not connecting and he is worried. Rob and I are getting closer but he still loves her and a big part of him wants her to be more a part of our new life.

A lot of this is not Heathers fault her mom is ill and is not really getting better. The Doctors have told them that there is nothing else they can give her, no more drugs or antibiotics she is pretty much on her own. They have even gone so far as to say hospice should be an option that they look into. I don't think she is going to make it much longer, their is really not to much else the doctors can do. One min she gets out of the hospital the next min she is right back in. Heather is over run, over tierd, over stressed, and just plain sad. Sometimes I don't think Rob sees that, Heather does need to spend more time here but until things have been decided about her mother one way or another they are going to be her priority.

Other then the sad stuff things are going pretty well, works not bad rag is coming up and the weather is super super nice!!

More Nights

SO I am ready to start getting some more nights with Rob then just the one night I have right now. This of course means that I have to get up the guts to go up to Heather and ask her if it's OK if I steal her husband from her for another night, thus being the ultimate bad guy. I hate this part of the relationship I just want the Hi I'm stealing your husbands time and love away from you part over. I understand there are going to have to be baby steps here since this is not what Heather wanted in the first place but Ugg every time I have to do it I find myself getting mad.

Sometimes I just want Rob to be the one to ask her not me, not because I don't want the responsibility, well to be fair it is partially that but it's also because I want him to make a stand for me. I feel like if he asks it will be him making a point that he loves me and that he wants to spend more nights with me, right now it just feels like I'm the bad guy. In the sense that when I ask it's like Rob would be oh so happy to sleep with Heather all the time if it weren't for this horrible Chandra girl wanting him all the time. I'm stealing him away, he is not saying I want to be with her, what he is saying by not asking himself (or even voicing this is what he wants to when I ask) is that I am only sleeping with her because she is asking.

I could easily be reading to much into this but it's how I fell and sometimes I just don't know how to voice it. I don't want to be greedy but I try not to go out of my way to ask for more time from him like dates or sleeping with him extra nights, I think I may have asked once or twice but I think that is pretty reasonable. I also don't mean to spend a lot of time with him during the week, Because Rob has voiced an opinion that he misses Heather and that he does not get to spend much time with her. HE is not blaming me for this mind you, the time we get together is more because we share the same hobbies. If Heather would come to dag with us maybe she would get to see him more, but she continues to make excuses for not going instead of just saying I don't like Dag much I may go to some battles but don't expect me a practices. Then maybe Rob and her can try to make arrangements to spend sometime together. Rob is just bad as her when it comes to making time, if he really missed her that much he would find some way to see her. Really the only reason Rob and I spend as much time together is because we both go to dag and I am a pushy girl when it comes to spending time with the people I like.

Don't get me wrong Rob can be romantic and sweet, but the reality is that both he and Heather are hermits they would truly be content to sit in there computer room for hours on end and just be with each other. Which to be honest I would not mind doing with them if it was possible which sadly it is not what with me having no real usable desk or computer in the computer room. Some day I may have said desk and computer but as to when I don't know, right now I am tempted to just tell Rob to take my desk out of there to give him and Heather more room and I will just stick with using my laptop in my bed room or in the living room.

Oh well I am done with the ranting I will now go get ready to beat people with swords and hopeful get the nuts needed to ask Heather for some more time.

Trifecta Homecoming

We have moved in to our new house and are finally alone, A moment of silence please…..



Ah so peaceful. I am so happy I can not even speak, being in a place all your own really makes a difference. No one to bother us no one to be in the middle throwing off our happy little trifecta grove.

I have a room all my own with a new bed, bed sheets, pillow cases, comforter, bookshelf, end tables, closet system and blanket chest. I took of the ugly closet doors and covered it with some amazing curtain Heather gave me that match my bedspread, the coolest thing about this is that I hung the curtain rod myself drilled holes and everything. It such a small thing but I have never hung a curtain before, it was such a power thing for me. I also put together my closet organizer and the book shelves for our living room, me and building things go together well. Everything is starting to come together, I walk into my clean put together room and I have a true sense of comfort and home.

The neighbors a house down came over on Sunday to drop of some cookies and to introduce themselves they where so cute with there five little kids, it was nice to get a warm welcome.

Having a new place really feels amazing I am going to have to get used to things when Rob and Heather fight because I really get this whole Mom and Dad are fighting feeling. When they fight they tend to let it drag on it’s almost like a battle to so who can hold out the longest before one of them says I’m sorry. For me I can’t be mad for long it truly makes me physical ill, I get horrible headaches and I feel nauseous my body can’t handle the stress of being angry. I like to fix stuff up as soon as I can and move on so we can all be happy again. The nice think is that Rob is willing to admit that both parties in the argument are in the wrong, maybe one more then the other but he always apologizes for his part and means it. With Dave I never got that it was always me apologizing and him looking smug.

This feels like a new chapter in my life, I am taking better care of my self making sure my bills are all paid on time and in full and just glorying in not having to hide how I feel. I think this is going to be good for all of us, there is still a little more unpacking to do but I think that the apartment is going to look great and that our relationship is going to be so much stronger.

Late Night Ramblings By A Chandra

Sometimes I just don't feel like me, like one second I know who I am and the next I just feel like I'm walking in a fog. I'm 26 and I feel so very young but I don't know how else I should feel I keep waiting for the day I will grow up but I just can't see it coming. I feel like I'm in love but I'm scared that I'm just walking down a dead end road, who am I, what made me think this was the right thing.

My grandfathers death made me think of so many scary things, like what would I do if Rob died? My grandfather is never going to see my children, where will I go for Christmas and Thanksgiving? How soon will it be before I have to worry about my parents, If Heather dies before Rob and I will we make it together alone?

At the memorial service they had a table set up with some of my grandfathers things, the hardest thing for me to look at was the coffee cup and saucer, the little spoon resting on the side. It was such a staple of who he was every time I saw him he had a cup of coffee at one point or another. Here's what his life came down to for me that little cup of coffee, I would never see him drink it again or even just hold it. He really is dead. So much was poured into that stupid cup for me and I just don't know how to think about it or handle it. I keep thinking that this should not be a big thing I should be able to move on but I just can't seem to put it away. I say I am but I'm not, I want to be strong but I'm just not.

Deep down I'm tired, I know everyone else is too it's just that I try so hard to pretend I'm not. I bitch to my friend and she listens but why does it have to wait so long, why can't I just say I hate this I don't want to be careful I don't care what other people think. I know it's because I do I don't want to hurt the ones I love but so much is riding on one little step. Journal's are for bitching I would not have them any other way.

I hate that their here too, it totally cuts into our life and the way we live. It's there house but I want to be gone, well and truly away so we don't have to play hidey games and who will say honey first by accident and have to explain it.

The I go and watch a movie "Juno" which I find I truly love and of course I cry because it's about a teenager having a baby and what do movie's about babies do to me? The same thing they do every time Pinky they make me cry. I can't kick it no surrey bob. Babies on my mind all the time sweet little pink things. I want to be the one all sweaty and crying holding the baby in my arms that I just pushed out my girl part. I want to smell it's amazing little head and count its many little fingers and toes, I want to look up into Rob's face and see tears in his eyes as he looks at his baby, for gods sake I would take him just smiling like an idiot if he does not want to cry.

I'm also sick of myself and sex, for once in my life I don't want to think about it all the time. I love it and it is very much a part of me but I just want it off my brain for a little bit. Who am I sex girl, doing and thinking of nothing else. Ug I want sex so bad right now but I also don't know if it's just me thinking that but my body really just does not care.

Maybe I just want this chapter to end already and the new one to start, no more dilly dally. The show must go on and all that crap, bring on the stage hands to strike the set. I need to lay on my new bedroom floor in my bare feet and just smell the air and know it's mine. I need for Rob to lay next to me even though he thinks I'm a nut because he understands how I feel that this is a new life for me something amazing that we are making together, with love, children, friendship, and long days to look forward to. Closing my eyes and letting the silliness of it just slip away and just being there and feeling that shift as things finally go down the right course, that it what I want.

Remember these are just words, they are truths but not ones to bury yourself with. Ramblings of a late night Chandra and her crazy pink skull filled mind.

Some Q&A

ECHNOLOGY
Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A picture from an online comic I love called Dominic Deegan: Oricale for Hire. Its really lovely hard to explain what it looks like.

Q. How many televisions you have in your house?
The one I am in right now has 4. My apartment that I will soon be moving into will have 1, its huge though.

BIOLOGY
Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right. I was born able to use both but now I am a righty.

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A Kidney, to my twin sister, she sucks.

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
HUmmmmm, a heavy box yesterday. We where moving stuff into the garage to get ready for the move. yippee.

Q. Have you ever been knocked out?
Nope, I have been knocked silly before. I think anyone who has siblings has most likely been knocked silly once or twice.

BULLSHITOLOGY
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Oh this is hard because in someways I really want to know, so I can be ready and make sure to tell the people I care about how much they mean to me. I really don't want to know because if it's soon I will be so pissed I really have things I want to do like have a BABY!!!!! Ug sorry.

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Nope I love my name it's neat and I think different.

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
Burgendy is a great color on me.

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item?
I think a marble and maybe a penny when I was younger.

DAREOLOGY
Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
You can pay me for it if you want but I would totally do it without the money, ummm girl lips so soft and lovely.

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
I have to say no. I have a phobia about my hands, I need they to stay perfect and working. I get all scared and shaky thinking about something happening to them.

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
Totally I love blogs but money is the good, and I could still write in a journal.

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
Oh my god yes, I have always wanted to pose in the nude and to get payed good money for it is even better.

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
No, never every I have seen what happens when you do that and it is a gross and yucky thing.

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
No, simple and completely no. There are people I don't like but I could never do something like that I think in the end it would kill me to. My mom once told me that if anyone did anything to her children she would make them pay, but not by killing them. She said she would hunt them down and torture them until they truly knew how she felt and she would not be nice, I could totally see myself doing that to someone in the same situation.

DUMBOLOGY
Q: What is in your left pocket?
Nothing I am not wearing pant's, hehe I am in my PJ's and no pants involved. WINK!

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
yes. I likey.

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
Both.

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
Stand most times if I am feeling tired or sad I sit.

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
Two pairs I love them.

FAVORITOLOGY
Q: Number?
7 my birthday.

Q: Season?
Fall, I love the smell of the air and the sound of the leaves crunching on the ground.

Q: Color?
I love Purple but I am starting to really like hot pink.

CURRENTOLOGY
Q: Missing someone?
Oh yup, my parents, my sister, amazing Mina, my friends everyone, most of all my man.

Q: Mood?
Relaxed, trying to stay that way. Also totally turned on but I have to be a good girl I was lazered in the girl parts so no fooling around.

Q: Listening to?
Over the rainbow the Hawaiian version sung by Jason Castro.

Q: Watching?
Made on Mtv.

Q: Worrying about?
My grandfathers service, I don't want to cry and be sad but I know I will be.

Q: Wearing?
my PJ's a cute blue and black night gown with contemporary flowers on them.

RANDOMOLOGY
Q: First place you went this morning?
Bathroom, sorry had to pee.

Q: What can you not wait to do?
Have sex I want sex so bad.

Q: Do you smile often?
All the time I love it.

Q: Are you a friendly person?
I think I am, I like to be happy and friendly.

Service

So last night was a hard night for me, I went to bed around 11:30pm but did not finally go to sleep until around 2:00am. I was laying in bed thinking about my grandfather’s memorial service that is this Saturday and what I was going to wear when I started to cry. Here I was thinking about what is the right thing to wear to say goodbye to my Grumpa and it was too much. I feel like I have been doing so well with his death but thinking about actually being there and truly feeling that he is gone is so scary.

I know it is not Rob’s fault that he can’t really come, mainly because of the whole already married thing but I am really sad that I have no one to go with me. My family will be there of course but Rob is so good at making me feel safe and loved that I wish he could be there to hold me since I know I am going to cry. Just writing this I am starting to tear up which is bad since I am at work.

The closer I get to Saturday the harder it is for me to not think about it, god I have never dealt with this before. I think I will be ok I just hope that I can hold it together, I really just want to be happy, I am so bad at being sad. I feel wrong when I am sad, like I am letting myself and other people down I need to not feel that way. I know its ok for me to be sad I just don’t know how to let myself, I’m afraid I will just break down into tears YUCK.

Oh well I will write more after the service, can’t wait to see my family I just wish it was for a happier reason.

Fighting

I hate when Heather and Rob fight, it’s stupid but it feels like when my parents used to fight I just want to fix it. I want them to get along I hate seeing them angry at each other, plus I feel stuck in the middle. I like being a happy person so when other people around me are sad I feel sad too, plus I have to tread carefully so as not to make anyone mad at me since they are already in mad mode.

The argument mainly has to do with money and how said money is spent for the new apartment. I feel like I’m in the middle because some of the big things that need to be bought are a bed and bedroom furniture for my room. I keep thinking that Heather has to be thinking in her head that if she did not have to spend money on my stupid stuff she could use it for more stuff that she wanted. I’m scared to make her feel resentful of me so I am trying to make sure to pay for the bed myself but it seems to be a sticking point. I don’t have the money for the bed right now so until I do they are going to have to pay for it then I can pay them back.

She found a bed for me today and as much as I am happy that she found it I can’t help but think that she got it out of the way because she was mad and sick of hearing about it. I don’t want to be an issue I hate that I still feel like I don’t know my place.

She could still decide “Hey I hate this I totally want this girl out of my face” and dump me to the curb. I guess I just want some sort of word from her that she has excepted this and that baring me being a huge idiot and doing something dumb (like cheat on Rob, steal money from them or any other big relationship ending thing) that I get to stay an she will not fight it.

Ug this is all I every talk about “When will she except me, I’m so scared, what will I do” Whine, whine, whine, whine, whine. So tired of this, I just want to relax no more stress please, please. I am such a dork, really a big one.

As one

I’m ready to be married to Rob; all I want is to be with him forever. I know that I can never be married to him in the legal sense but to me that does not really matter; the emotional and spiritual part is what my heart longs for. So much has happened to us in the past year amazingly good and horrible bad but all of it has just brought me closer to him. For awhile I was so afraid that we would end up like all of my other relationships, I could always feel when things where going bad but I never really listened to myself. With Rob I don’t feel that, everyday I am happy to see him and even when things are hard I can’t see myself leaving. I have learned a lot about myself in this time as well, I was lying so often before this is was becoming apart of who I was finally I am free of that. I hate lying now even just a little, I want to always be honest and fair.

I want to dance with him, rub my face on his neck, fell small as he hugs me in his arms, taste his warm lips, talk to him about video games and Naruto, get my butt beaten by him in dag (hopefully beat him someday to), tell him when I’m sad and have him be there for me no matter what is making me that way, have and take care of his troublemaking babies, all the rest of my life.

I’m never going to look back this is the right place for me Heather and Rob will always be my family. When the day comes where we can finally swear our lives together I will truly be the happiest I have ever been in my whole life.

Grumpa

So this morning around 4 am my grandpa passed away. He had a stroke in January and was recovering fairly well when last week he had another stroke. He was not waking up and after doing the MRI they find that it was a major stroke and they don't think he is going to wake up. When you talked to him he would squeeze your hand sometimes but he was not waking up and he had a to tube down his throat to keep him breathing. On Saturday after seeing how uncomfortable he was with the tube and the possibilities of him actually waking up where so bad my grandma, father, and aunt decided it was time to take the tube out. My grandpa and them all talked about the fact that he did not want to be kept alive with tubes and things after his last stroke that they knew this was what he wanted. The took the tube out and gave him and oxygen mask and a morphine drip to keep him calm and then it was just waiting.

After my mom called me to tell me that they where pulling the tube I started to cry it was to much to think that he was going to die. I had no idea what to do and how to feel. Rob came and held me well I cried, he also told me about how he felt when his grandfather died and it really helped me. I was so happy that I had him there, I never expected to have someone be there to support me.

The next few days where so hard waiting for the call, its not that I wanted him to die I wish that he would have woken up and been all better but the waiting was killing me. All I could think about was my grandma and family going back everyday to watch him slowly pass away I wanted to be there so bad to help them.

After my mom called at 4 I could not go back to sleep I just kept thinking about him so I got up and watched some crappy TV. I was fine numbing my brain until Rob came out to hug me in the morning and I just lost it a little bit. Telling him what happened made me think about it and thus tears and Chandra weeping. I don't know how I am going to be in the next couple of days I think I may end up losing it again, all day I have lost it in little spurts. I have never dealt with death before I really just don't know what will happen.

In a few weeks they are going to have a memorial service because my grandmother can't handle a funeral. Right now I am just trying to figure things out and I hope I can get some sleep tonight.

Crappy Cells

So I went to the doctor today and found out that I have precancerous cells on my Cervix. What this means is that I will have to have surgery to have the cells removed. It's an outpatient surgery so I don't have to stay overnight someone will have to drive me home, Rob will probably do that. I am optimistic that this will work, the doctor said that this should clear up all the bad cells. Afterwards I will be healing for about 4 weeks, which during that time nothing is supposed to go in the Vagoo area. Sadness for me. Then I have to go to the doc's after the 4 weeks, then 3 months later, then 6 months, then finally back to once a year. From now on they will have to keep track and make sure that everything is staying clear and clean.

I'm nervous I would be lying if I said I wasn't but I really do think that things are going to be ok.

Party

This week I went to my first Wine and Old Movies party and I had an amazing time. I was a little nervous because all the other people at the party I had never meet before except for the hosts. I ended up really liking all the people came, it was also nice to talk to some other poly people and see how things work for them. I really just hoped that I was not my normal over talky self and that they liked me. I loved getting to try some wines since I really don’t drink that much, at most once or twice a year.

I honestly don’t find alcohol that great most of the time it tastes crapy and does not really do much for me. When I do drink enough to get drunk I generally feel sick and am not that happy, the last time that happened is when I turned 20 I have never done that again. Rob and Heather came and picked me up not because I felt overly drunk more because of the mix of being sleepy and tipsy I did not want to take the chance. I ended up having a fight/discussion with Rob because of some misunderstandings between the both of us. I never realized how against drinking he is, he does not want to be like Dave in the sense that he tells what I can and can not do but he is not happy about me drinking. In the past he has had some bad experiences with drinking so he is very leery of anyone else doing it around him. We talked about it and came to an understanding, I can drink it’s my choice if I do but he can’t promise that he is going to be happy about it. I probably will not change my habits to much since I rarely drink anyways but I will take his feeling more in to consideration when we talk before I go.

I loved the party it was a real chance for me to meet new people and do something a little out of my norm, I hope I have the option to do something like this again.

Computer

So I really hate that I have no computer at home anymore, I understand that we don’t have any money to buy one at this time but it really sucks. For me the reason that it’s so important is that without it I have lost another bit of my freedom, before all I had to do was turn on my laptop and I could use it anywhere and anytime I want. Now I have to always worry if Heather is going to want to use the computer and I have to go downstairs away from everyone else. I am just frustrated that another piece of my freedom is gone, it’s no one’s fault but right now I feel like I have to fight for every bit of privacy and freedom I have in this house. I know that Rob and Heather have to feel the same way about something’s so I really do hope they understand my sometimes complaining about not having a computer.

I love my family but until we move to a place of our own I think I am going to be a little crazy about my stuff here.

Post Valentines

So tired I drove all over the place yesterday, no rest for the Chandra. I was nice because I got to talk to both my sister and my mother which I never seem to have time to. Rob also was really nice and took my sister and I to lunch and then my mom, sister and I to dinner later. I really wanted him to have a change to get to know my mother and he seemed like he liked her well enough, she even teased him a little it was very cute.

On the way to drive my mother home which is about and hour and a half drive we got to really talk about what is going on in our lives and how we feel about it. I have always been close to my mother; she has always made it clear that I could tell her anything which has really made me happy not having to hide my life. When Dave was unemployed and I was living with my parents one of the thing I really loved was coming home to my mother at night at talking about my day at work and hearing about her day at home. As much as I love living away from her I really miss those talks we had, I think she does too. She made me feel really good about my relationship with Rob, she is so understanding of the fact that I love him and that we really want to be together. She asked some questions on how the whole thing was working and how I though Heather was dealing with it. I realized as I was talking to her I have not really talked to Heather in a long time and I really needed to find sometime to do that.

The night before last I went out with my friend Autumn and it was just wonderful. Every time I go out with her I have an amazing time, I just love talking to her we have so much in common. I really needed that time to because I was feeling a little stressed since Heather came home I needed some time to vent and just think about something else. After we went to this wonderful sushi place that was classy but not overly we came back to her house and I just sat and talked to her and her husband Eric for an hour it was so great. They are great people to be around because they really have stuff to say it’s nice to talk about something other then what I normally talk about. I love talking to Rob, Heather, my sister and the rest of my family but it’s nice to do something different once and awhile.

Feeling wise I am doing ok, I really miss the calm freedom of last week but I am getting back into the swing of things. I really feel bad for being so whinny about something I accepted because I did, I said I would be ok with sharing but my head does not always listen to me. I just got so much attention last week that now I want it all the time, I also realize with Heather home that Rob is very affectionate with her but they are not as crazy as he and I are. This is not a bad thing mind you, it just makes me start to wonder if maybe I am to affectionate, because Rob is constant with his love only the girl he is around changes. I just love being around a person, holding and touching and just talking. We seemed happy so I guess it was not bad, I hate second guessing myself so I’m going to stop thinking about it.

Not Emo

I want to say that I write in this blog all the time no matter what my mood is but I honestly would be lying. I mainly write in this when I have something on my mind usually it’s when I am sad or mad, or just need to let things out.

So here goes, I’m happy really deep down happy. It has been so long since I have truly been this happy with things, sometimes I fell shell shocked as if I don’t know how this is supposed to feel. I find my self more inclined to be sad not because I don’t like being happy but I think just because I am so used to feeling sad.

Rob told me the other day that I act like an animal that has not gotten love or petting in a long time. I get so surprised when Rob will stroke my hand or kiss my head, with Dave he was just so cold sometimes, I really don’t think he meant to be it was just not something he did, especially in front of other people.

I am bringing this all up because yesterday Heather came home from her trip to visit her family and I was dreading it. I really like Heather otherwise I would not be in the situation I am in but after having such an amazing week with Rob I was not looking forward to things going back to the way they where. When Heather is around I feel like I play second place, most often it’s because I put myself in that place. I worry so much about making her fell left out or under loved that I purposely step back to give her that place. Being with Rob alone was so different, I felt like the atmosphere in the house was lighter. I was so loving and happy with Rob and I felt like I could say anything I wanted to him and not worry that Heather would be sad. Also when Heather is around her need to make sure everything in the house is always perfect at all times can be overwhelming. One of the things I really like about her is her ability to be so detailed and organized but sometimes I would love for her to just let it go for a little bit. I just feel like the way Rob and I act when she is around is so different, I don’t know what it is but it drives me nuts just a little bit.

Again I sort of got off subject I am writing this post about being happy it’s just taking me a minute to get there. So last night Rob came and tucked me into be, after 7 nights of sleeping with him I could not help but find myself tearing up as he hugged me. Rob asked me to please not cry and I promised that I would not, even though in my head I was thinking how can I not. So after he left I laid there for a bit and just tried to think how I was going to deal with all of this, because I was going to have to find someway or I was going to drive myself crazy. Then I just knew, it was such a little thing but I knew it would work. I had to realize that things where not always going to be perfect, that I was not going to be happy all of the time it was just not going to happen. Suddenly I was so much happier, I was still sad that I was going to have to sleep alone but I felt better knowing that it was ok for me to feel that way.

I am happy, I feel closer to Rob having gotten the change to experience life with him as just a couple and I also realized how happy I was that Heather was home. I missed her and I wanted her back in my life, as much as I sometimes have a hard time understanding why she does things I still like her and want her around. I loved getting some freedom with Rob I really did, I really needed to feel the closeness I was worried that we where lacking. Well I think I am done ranting for a little bit, the next post will probably be depressing and Emo but at least right now I’m happy.

Can’t Be Close Enough

I am so happy; things have not been this good in a very long time I really feel like my choice was a good one.

Heather is away for the week visiting her parents so Rob and I are on our own and it's really giving us a chance to connect again. With all the crap that has been going on in our lives we really just needed a moment to breath. I only wish that I could give Rob and Heather a week together alone so they can connect again too, maybe I will try and arrange something.

The last couple of nights we have just spent our evenings together watching TV and doing other household activities. Then we go to bed and just snuggle together, it feels so nice having someone in bed with me again knowing that they will be there all night to touch and hold if I want to.

When I am with him I just can't be close enough I just want to pull him into my skin and hold him there forever. The sense of love I feel for him is just growing so large that it's hard to hold sometimes. God I feel so sappy and silly but I really do feel this way and I would not give it up for anything. I just hope that this is going to be able to hold up to all the crap that is going to be happening in the next couple of months, I need it to.

Writing Frenzy

Well tonight I am just is a crazy writing frenzy, everything seems to be coming up. Just watched the Waitress and loved it so much, it has everything that I hate to love and was good at kicking me in every little button. If you every get the chance to see it I highly recommend it.

This was a hard day for me so many things just hit me upside the head and I can't help feeling like I may cry and I truly am sick of the crying but I am also sick of the things causing me to want to. I wish my brain would shut off and I could just not care for one moment how much I hate this and how I should be happy with what I have but I just can't seem to. I so have a lot but I just want to not feel like the biggest mean person around and right now that's how I feel and I just loath it. I am going to go have some pie then I am going to go to bed, then tomorrow I am going to see a movie with some friends who are not Rob and Heather and try to enjoy it. Then I will go to be probably cry my eye balls out and feel better for it, or maybe I will do that tonight not sure yet I guess I'm going to have to feel it out.

Things will get better I know and this to will pass but until then I hate everyone and everything for just a little while.

Really see Waitress if you can very good, night.

Baby Crap

Just want to say how much I hate crying over babies ever time I see them, every fucking time could so do without the crying and the knowing that it's going to be years and years and years before I can have one of my own if at all. That's it, that's all I have to say stupid baby crap.

Curse

So I realize that I am not being fair in all of this, I want us all to be happy and yet I get all dramatic when one of us is less then thrilled. I just really did not want to be in this place right now, I wanted things to stay good we had final gotten over all the big money crap. Yuck. My family jokes about this curse we have, we call it the Benoit curse it’s named after my mother’s father side of the family. The joke is that where every one of us (one of us being my direct family) goes the curse follows bringing bad things in it’s wake. We joke about it because we know bad stuff happens all the time and that it’s no fault of ours but right now it really feels like it is my fault. I come in to their perfectly put together life, they have a great setup they are starting to save money and think about buying a house all those things a couple does. Then I give them all new bills to deal with, jealousy, stress and it feels like I really just cause ruin.

Rob keeps telling me that it’s just the fact that this is like a new relationship and that during the start of all relationships you always have to go thru this stuff. I just can’t seem to get past the fact that I am just a big chore. I’m not leaving I just won’t, I just hate that it has to be this hard. I really picked a hard relationship to be in, I could have gone with a couple who was already into this kind off thing sharing and all that but NOOOOO I had to choose someone who’s wife can’t even comprehend kissing someone else let alone loving someone else. I know I whine but I love Rob I really don’t want another couple, even if this is hard. I hope things get better I don’t want to be waiting forever, I want this to be a till the end of our days thing so I hope Heather can decide if that is what she wants to because I really don’t want to go anywhere.

I have to chill a little, we have not even been at this for a year yet and I expect perfection. Most relationships don’t even get serious until a year has gone by, I have to remember that things may have been going on longer with Rob and I but Heather has really only be dealing with this since July. Well this little Pony is just going to raine herself in and let life come, we will get there we just need to take a little more time walking not running.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

So here I am thinking everything is going great, we all seem happy life has really started to hit it's grove, the big bills are behind us and we seemed to be taking some slow steps forward. Then Heather says see is feeling too jealous and that it's very hard for her to deal with that, she goes so far as to say that if it gets to bad she will leave so we can be happy together. The whole martyr syndrome, I hate to call it that but I have done that myself in the past so that is what it truly is. I knew this was not going to be easy, one step at a time, feeling as we go but I have to be honest at least to myself and say I am frustrated.

Rob and I have finally gotten our night together a few weeks ago and since then we have had two more. We where going for an every Friday sort of thing, just until Heather was comfortable and ready to give us some more time. Now Rob wants us to take some steps back, be less loving in public, not as much affection, I recommended maybe we should cut off Friday's all together for right now. What gets me about this is that it feels like we have already been going at this in a snails pace and now we have to slow it down even more. I am not being fair the rule in Poly is you have to go as fast as the slowest person but I can't help it. I fell like at some point you just have to say your going to live with it or don't that simple. I would hate for Heather to say she could no longer deal with it and she wanted me to leave but it would be better then this axe always hanging over my head. Right now I never know when it could happen and really it's scary enough in a new relationship to put your self completely in to loving a person and now I have this to think about. I'm afraid to give my whole heart if I have to worry about it being throw back in my face at any time.

I don't know what else to do, I will cut back give her the time and support that she needs. But this brings back a lot of fear for me and I don't know really what I am going to do about it, I guess the only think I can do deal, I have really fallen to deep into this really settled my heart on it. If it falls I fall too and I will have to just pick up the pieces and hope that I have not lost to many of them.

Somewhat at a Lose

So I am sort of at a lose here, things have been going well like really well. This last Friday Rob and I finally got our first night together, it was so nice having someone sleeping beside me again. I would roll over and be able to reach my hand out and touch him and hear his happy little sighs. Last night I was moving in my bed and I though oh man I pulled the blankets off of Rob when I looked I realized that he was not there, it only took me one night to start thinking like a women in a relationship. Now I am just waiting to find out if this is going to be a every week thing or if I am going to be waiting months again before I get to sleep with him again.

The next great thing that is happening in my life is Heather and I have joined a gym. To some this may not seem like such a good thing, but for me it's great. I am so ready to be healthy and thiner, I really feel like I am going to stick with it this time and that I am going to reach my goal. Going gives me a sense of confidence and pride, I really feel like I am finally doing something to help myself.

I am frustrated about one thing thought, I love Rob but sometimes he can be so callous. He is so loving towards me and Heather, he works so hard to make us both happy and deals with a lot of shit because of it. I just can't understand why he can't be that way with his friends too, sometimes he could really care less how other people feel. What bothers me is that this is one of the things I really hated about Dave, I tend to be a caring person and it drives me nuts to have to clean up the messes that are made because of it. I really like all my friends and I want them to be happy and when the person I am with treats them crappy I don't know what to do. No one is perfect I understand that and maybe he really did not mean to be callous, maybe he just got mad because I was bringing it up a lot and said he did not care but I just don't know. The problem I am having is I don't know if I really want to deal with this again, I hated that Dave was like that I was happy that I was done with that. Ug I don't know I think I am just going to have to deal with it for right now I am new with him maybe it won't be as bad as Dave and I can learn the best way to talk to him about it.

Well I am going to go to bed now so sleepy, love to all and happiness in all your lives.

Holiday Season

So things are going along ok, I've moved upstairs into Heathers parents room and the house is finally empty of all but the three of us.

Yesterday my mother told me something that made me very sad, I had called her to say hello and I was telling her about Rob and Heather going to his works Christmas dinner and that's when she said it. She told me that she really liked Heather and Rob but she was still holding out hope that someone would come along and take me away from all of that. She wanted for me to find someone who could love me without having to worry about sharing and keeping secrets from others. The biggest thing she wanted was for me to be able to have babies without having to hide who they belonged to mainly having to raise on my own. This hurt because I always thought she was so behind me in all of this only wanting for me to be happy, but once I though about it for a bit I realized her point of view. She really just wants me to be happy, and she hears a lot about the hard stuff I have to deal with in this relationship, she hears about the good stuff too but she worries more about the bad. I think the worst part is that I have thought these things myself sometimes. Sometimes I am so tired of hiding who we are, I never really thought in the beginning how much I was really going to have to hide in this life. Then just thinking about how I am going to have to raise my child kills me to, as much as I would love to give my child Rob's last name there is no way I can. I don't think we are ever going to tell Heather's parents about what is going on so if I suddenly had a baby and gave him Rob's last name that would be a pretty clear sigh. As much as I know that she only wants the best for me, it still hurt me.

I think I will post more on this post a little later in the month.

Sex, the dark and moving day.

So things are coming up pretty fast and I am surprised how nervous I am. Heather's parents are leaving on the 2nd of December and when they do I am going to be moving into their bed room. Which is good in a lot of ways it will get me off the couch and out of the scary basement. For the last couple of nights I have had a very hard time sleeping, it's very very dark when the lights are out and sadly I am very scared of the dark. My imagination is good I can very easily picture all the dark and scary things in the basement waiting to get me. Most nights I can block it out make my mind think sanely but from time to time no amount of me telling myself nothing is there will do it, like now. So coming up stairs will really help that.

Of course the next nice thing will be that it will be time to talk about sleep arrangements and really start to get things going with this relationship. Of course what comes with a two people sleeping together who are not relatives, snuggles, spooning, sleeping and oh of course sex. The big sex word and the big talk that is going to go along with it. I am going to the doctor in a few days to get blood work done which should help settle things then we should have a yellow light. We are still going to have to do a tiny bit more for the green but I am hoping that it will go as smoothly as it can considering. I want more then anything for this not to hurt anyone but I know this is not going to be clean and nice we are going to have to get over some major hurdles but I know we can do it I know we can.

Time is quickly marching along soon I think I can have this Divorce done and then I am free to truly just be. We will still have to work with everyones families which is going to be a little weird. Mine is easy they know and even thought they were a little confused at first they really just want me to be happy, the only funny thing I got was my dads comment "Why does he get to have his cake and eat it to...... WITH my daughter." It was great.

Then we will have to tell his family, I think it will be a shock to them but I am hoping from what he said that it will be ok eventually. As for her I don't know I don't think her family will ever understand, maybe one or two members but on the whole I fear bad bad things. I don't know if we are ever going to tell them I don't want her to lose her family she really loves them so much, she needs them in her life. Ah the choices that must be made in ones life, hard and not always as clearcut as we would like them to be.

For right now I am just going to be happy that moving day is coming up and that I will finally get to sleep in a real bed hopefully with a warm happy body next to me, not every night mind you but one or two right now is very much fine with me.

Music

Music for me holds something I can only begin to understand. When I hear great music it always tends to bring out strong emotions in me. During movie moments or just when I sit and listen in my car and let my mind wonder to all the things that are going on in my life. It can make me happy and in just a moments time I can find my self drawn to tears.

Sometimes all I want to do is spend my day sitting in a comfortable chair with a great book and music playing in the background. I remember days, I mean whole days as a young teen just curled up reading and listening to my mothers Madonna tape, and my dad’s Beetles, Yes, The Who and any number of other 70’s and 80’s bands.

My life is full of music I sing to it all day long if I am not singing I am humming the last thing I heard or remember. I have I would say at least 50 songs memorized in my brain if not more, and hundreds more that I can remember by hearing. Sometimes I wish that I could do something with my voice like take lessons or sing in a choir. Oh to sing in a choir again would be heaven, when you are in a truly good group it really is like heaven. I used to take lessons at school but nothing truly professional, I don’t want to boost but I think I am pretty good but I think I could be great if I had lessons.

I could go on and on forever on this subject, it interests me to no end especially because of the feelings it gives me. My heart bursts with the power of it, nothing else that is so sensory can move me so strongly. For now I am going to leave it where it is, I need to rest and try to put more of this is to view for myself.

Days

So days are pretty relaxed now, not what I expected but relaxed. I go to work and train yippee, then I come home jump into my PJ's and read or watch TV. Some days we do chores, or fun group activities like watch a movie together, make outfits for Dag, or just sit and chit chat while Heather makes dinner. It's all very relaxed actually I enjoy the whole just being with one another, I am trying very hard to try to not be so needy.

I am good at keeping myself busy but when I am with someone in a relationship that is I tend to be very lovey, not clingy really just lovey. I need to learn to back of a little and let us all settle into each other but I find it takes me sometime to do that, since in general I tend to be a very touchy person.

What I wanted most at this point was to be in a different place, I wanted to really be living out my new relationship in complete freedom but we have had to put that on hold. Heather's parents where supposed to have gone to Florida by now so that we could start to see if we can really all live with each other in every way but they have not left yet, and it is looking more and more like they will not be leaving at all! I don't want to go thru the whole winter like this and then move in with them in the spring and find out that this is not going to work. This was supposed to be the test period the time we used to see if we could handle all of this but now it's looking like this is going to be a sink or swim situation and I really don't like that. Parts of this are going really great and I mean that really great but other parts have not even been addressed and until they leave I do not think that it is going to happen. Yuck!

The Holidays are coming and I am really excited about that the first year I get to spend here. I am going to really miss my family thought they are all very sad that I can not come to the holiday's. I am trying to work out a way that I can still see them all even if it is not on the actual holiday. I am a little sad about that because it is going to be another one of those holiday's where I will be all by myself where everyone else has someone, I have someone but they can't really come with me to hard to explain to my grandparents. My parents know everything and are very cool and loving which is nice but I think my grandparents would just die. Oh well I hope I can figure something out I really do want to see them, and still spend this holiday with my new family too. Yuck again!

Well I am off to watch some Heroes which I got for my birthday so BYE!!!

Birthday

So today is my birthday and it was really great, I hung out with some of my friends and my loves and they made me feel so happy. Heather got me a normal ice cream cake and a pumpkin pie ice cream cake, it was amazing it tasted just like pumpkin pie it was heavenly. I also got some very nice gifts from everyone I was so surprised by how nice they all where, it was the best birthday I have had for a while.

Now to the dumbness, when the night started to move on I started to think about how badly I wanted to go to bed with my love but of course I could not. I just started to get sad I was trying really hard not to it was such a nice day but I was failing pretty bad. There are good reasons I can't be with the one I love but it does not mean that I don't want it, I really just want to stop winning about it. So after everyone went to bed I found my self sobbing uncontrollably which ether makes me feel a whole lot better or a whole lot worse. This time I just felt kind of quite almost accepting, I also felt like writing. All this trying on my part to stop getting so upset about this stuff, trying to look at the good and what I do have it's just not enough. Sometimes I just have to cry it's the only way I can truly let myself feel sometimes and I need to let myself, I used to hold it all in then like once a month my sister and I would argue for like an hour. We would cry and ramble and yell at one another but by the end we would just feel so much happier and like we had gotten every thing out and fixed.

As much as I hate crying especially sobbing I see the point in it, and all in all this day was an amazing day. SOOO I am going to let things go, take a breath and go to bed, things will be brighter in the morning I know it and I will have nice dreams about the day I had.

Baby Bug

So the baby bug has bitten me pretty bad lately, I dream about them, I see them everywhere, and I can't stop thinking about them. For right now I am just going to post how I feel, I will post facts later in this message.

I long for a baby, seriously so. I ache, every time a see a father playing with his son or a mother holding her baby it makes me tear up. I mean every time, I can't be walking by with out trying to rush so they don't see the creepy longing look I have. When I hold my sisters baby I just glory in the scent of her, the sweet feel of her skin, the amazing noises she makes. The worst part is that I almost feel like she is partly mine since my sister and I are identical twins which makes our DNA the same. My heart skips a beat when I see her smile and I think of the days I will get to spend with her as she grows up *sniffle*. Griffin is another hardship for me, he is such an amazing little boy I love when he brings me a book and sits in my lap so I can read it to him. I just play with his cute toddler hair and read to him as I remember him as a baby. I used to hold him and sing to him when he was so tiny, I remember when he feel asleep on my chest and I wanted to lay like that forever.

So many years have gone by for me and I have longed for a child for so long. I told my husband that we would wait 2 years after getting married then we would start trying for a child, we got married in 2003. 2005 came and went no trying for a baby my husband had no job and we where living with my parents, 2006 no baby still no job and living with parents. My husband promised that when he got a job or an apartment we would start to try, got a job and an apartment still no baby. He told me he wanted to wait for a little longer,2007 then the big D and all thoughts of baby flew out the window. I will say one of my big sticking points for maybe staying was the possibility of a baby, but in the end that was not enough to make me stay.

I yearn for a baby so much I dream of them constantly, mainly its me searching for a baby I know is mine but can't find it's really hard to deal with the damn dreams. I have wanted children since I was 18 and I have thought about them on and off all along so many different paths could have led me to them but I have always chosen a different one.

Now for annoying reality, I know I have lots of time I am only just going to be 26 so I have time to spare. My life is really not set up for a baby right now, I have no real home, I am still not divorced and most important of all the new relationship that I am in is really not equipped to deal with it right now. Really I need the time to settle in an really make sure everything is ok before I move forward.

BUUUUUUUUT try and tell my brain and heart that, you will have about as much luck as I do. All I can think is that its probably going to be a least another 2 years before I can even think of starting to try and I will be 28 then the trying. It is not going to be easy for me to have kids I know already, I have weird cycles and my twin sister was the same as me her husband and her tried for three years and just had a baby. So lets say three years of trying now I'm 31, then I want two kids so if we start right away say another three years now I'm 34. I know I have to wait but thinking of all that time kills me, a little piece of me dies when I see friends and family get pregnant and I am still just staring after them longly.

I really don't know what to say I hope this bug leaves me soon because I really don't think I can handle all this sucky wanting, I have to deal with it and honestly sometimes I don't want to.

Poem 4

Hands linger on my abdomen
My skin is warm and soft
I wait hoping to feel something
I know it's silly but I try anyways
My heart yearns for this
So much is building here
I spread my fingers
I wonder is it already fuller
I close my eyes and dream of laughter
I rest my hand more firmly and feel
I tug on my lip and slip my palm away
It's done I let the vision shatter
I hold on to a hope I had
I lost it, I did


I had a dream last night and I could not remember what it was about I know I was looking for someone but I did not know who. I finally remembered a little bit ago, I was looking for my son Gaberiel, I don't have a son but in my dream I did. I could hear him crying but I could not find where he was, I could not understand how I could have lot him I was so mad at my self. My friend was helping me look for him but I still could not find him. I started to cry because I could not hear the crying anymore and I knew it was my fault that he was gone I had done something wrong. I woke up then but it all seemed to fade away but when I was trying to think of what to write most of it came back to me. I think there may have been more but I can't see it so I will try to remember when I go to bed but I don't know.

Girl on Girl Action

Today is the day of coming out, telling your friends and family who you really are. Most of my family knows I like both men and women and happily it has never really been a big issue for them but I know other people out there have not had as much luck. Today I though of a the few wonderful women I have been with and lusted after and gloried in it, if I had the chance I would have spent the day in bed with a beautiful women. Oh well to busy working but I plan on having a little girl on girl action soon I have been just aching to kiss the soft sweet lips of a wonderful hot female.

I have been having some fairly vivid dreams about one women in particularly which have been causing me some frustrating mornings. Sadly I have not gotten to have as much experience with women in my life, I have really only ever been with two women. Not that I have not wanted to it's just been hard finding someone I like who is interested in women and then interested in me as well. Things might change I hope but who knows for today I am just going to be happy with what I have and let my dreams take me to where I can't.

SLEEEEEEPPPPPP!

So tired want to sleep so badly, I have to get up for work tomorrow and I can not sleep. I love my sister but it is so hard to sleep at her place, everyone is moving around so much and the couch is small and hard to sleep on. I feel bad thought since she is giving me a place to stay and she loves me it just sucks trying to get some rest.

When I stay at Rob and Heathers their couch is so comfy and soft. The room is nice and cold so I can wrap myself in a sheet and blanket and be nice and happy. It's quite and dark, and everything smells so nice and clean I love it so much. Right now all I want is to lay my head down and rest god back to trying to get some sleep wish me luck.

Thank you's

So my posts have been somewhat bumtastic lately part of that has to do with the fact that I usually have a journal that I write stuff that I am feeling down in but it is stored away. So this has sort of become my journal for right now, that is why things tend to be on the down side. A lot of the emotions I have are fleeting but I write them down so I have a chance to look and them and try to work thru them so I can be happier and healthier.

I have a lot of good going on in my life but sadly most of it I can't really talk about right yet so I usually can only post the bad because it is safer. I am coming to the conclusion thought that it might be OK know for me to just post everything because at this point I don't know how much it really matters any more. I will have to talk to some people but i think soon I will be able to just say what I want here which will be so nice since I am very sick of having to watch what I say all the time.

Some of what I can say is that I have a lot of really good people in my life right now and I really want to thank them and give them a little idea of how much they mean to me.

Autumn you have been AMAZING!! Really without you to just say pretty much anything I want to say, I think I would have gone mad a long time ago, when I could no longer go to gaming and my life was to crazy to hang out I was so sad. Love of friends is something I really needed and you where there to give it to me and you also had some really great advice for me at some crappy points in my life. Also knowing that I can be there for you as well even if it is only in a very small way helps me feel like I am not a complete disaster as a friend.

Eric I have found a strange amount of comfort in your company. Your intelligence is refreshing sometimes it is just so nice to talk to someone about things that are going on in the world. Your calm understanding of the time I spend with your wife is so nice and talking to you and her is a great joy for me. Also your willingness to change the day you guys gamed so that I might game again was something else I really needed.

Griffin thanks for just being you! Your sweet joy and happy smile really makes my day and helps me curb my annoying need for a child of my own.

Sara I don't think I have to go on to much you know how I feel about you but I will anyways. You have always been there for me thru everything, even when things where hard between us for one reason or another you have given me your heart. You will always be my first and last love and no one and I mean that no one can take your place for me. The easy understanding we have with each other, the comfort I find when I can just crawl in bed with you and snuggle, and the ability to just cry at the drop of a hat and have you hug me and tell me it's OK and I know it is. Last but so not least the amazing baby that you have given to all of us that has made my life so much brighter, I know sometimes it can be hard but the happiness I see in you when you hold her is something I carry with me all day.

Mina...... You are just so much to me, the dreams I have of being your aunt are so real and so happy that I can't wait to live them. I am so happy you came into our lives and I will treasure every single moment I have with you.

Heather this is the hardest one for me so much has happened between you and I sadly some of it really bad. I just want to say thank you for giving me another chance and for being a friend to me when you really did not have to be. Your kind heart, quick funny mind, and sometimes sarcastic wit has really grown on me. Most of all I want you to know I am really happy you are my friend and that you where willing to be mine.

Mattlock for just being my friend and accepting that friends can be strange people and not condemning them for it.

Rob your friendship has been so important and surprising for me considering that in the beginning I really did not like you very much. You have been there when I really needed someone to just hold me and tell me that I really am an adult. Seeing you treat your wife with so much love and affection gives me hope that all relationships can be that way. Playing video games with you, watching Naruto, talking about books, watching stupid TV shows, putting up with me and your wife watching anime together, sharing a love of cats, learning to play cards with you even thought it drives me nuts, and knowing that you will be there for me no matter what is more then I could ever wish for.

Finally my parents thanks for helping me when I was down and out, and most of all thanks for understanding my craziness and being true parents who love me no matter what and just want me to be happy.

That's about it, I know I have already done something like this but I feel that it was important for me to put this down. Thanks again to everyone.

Sorry I forgot one, Gabriel I never really got to know you but thanks for the small hope that you gave me even if it was fleeting, you where there at a time of my life that I needed you hopefully you will be again.

That's really it this time.

Waiting

I am very tired and I would like nothing more then to go to bed and get some sleep but I really have to write this down right now. I am feeling a lot of things right now, it's so hard for everything to be this way so much is just spinning in my head. The waiting is killing me, slowly and surely I am getting eaten alive. I am putting myself out completely, but it's the only way I can be maybe I should of held back but I just can't be that way. What is making this so hard is that there is no plan for me if this goes bad I am out on my butt, and you know a lot of that is my own making.

I have to wait, test the waters and see if the boat will float and if it does it will be the best thing in the world, the absolute best. But if the boat sinks I have no life boat, I have to swim to shore I will but it's going to be by my own ability with no one's help or support.

I just want a choice made now, no more waiting knowing that any day, everyday it could be over. I don't want to be a snot but I have the most to lose, I will lose everything. I will have myself and that's fine but I might as well move at that point because I can't stay here I will really have no one. I want to be strong and say that I could handle this that I am a grown up and thus I will be able to go on but I will be so broken so very broken and that thought just makes me cry siting here typing.

I am taking one day at a time this is just a weak moment for me and sadly I have no one to turn to at this particular time to help me so this blog has to be it. I love my life I love the people in it everyone so so much but I needed to get this out. Please I am going to go on and step into the new day stronger and happier thinking of all the good right now in my life and holding to that so don't let this give you the wrong idea.

I'm going to go to bed now probably cry for a little bit, but tomorrow I will wake up and think nothing of this and be the better for it.

Worried

I don't know what is causing it but I feel very worried and scared, like something bad is around the corner and I can't see what it is. I feel a pressing against my chest and my heart is beating so fast, it's an unknown terror that is griping me.

I am trying to calm myself down and tell myself that I am just worrying needlessly but the emotional side of me is just not hearing any of it. I can't explain how worried I really feel, so very worried that my skin is clammy and I can't sleep.

Why do I feel like this; there is nothing major that I know of coming along, it just came on me tonight and I can almost feel it bearing down on me like a building storm clouds. I hope nothing comes of this; I really do, I am going to try to go to sleep and maybe this will go away in the night.

A Moment

So this is just a rant so don't take it too seriously, this goes for me as well. So I feel left out it's dumb I know but I still do. I don't get sex, I don't get sleep, and I don’t get to go places. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I have to work and that my schedule sucks so I don't get to go places a lot. The sex well that is pretty self explanatory and the sleep well that's just because I have no real place yet but so that will change.

So I went bike riding on Thursday it was really nice I had such a good time but I felt sad in some way’s I really wanted to go with someone. I stopped at a grave yard near my friend’s house on my way back with my bike and it was so peaceful walking among the grave stones. There where some really old ones there that you could barely read the writing on them. I loved it, I know it's a little creepy but I have always wanted to have a Picnic at a grave yard it's so peaceful and calm. I guess I was just looking at the stones and I just wished I could have been doing it with some one else. Silly I know I have to start getting used to being alone at times, I used to be really good at it but now it's like I don't know what to do.

I am happy with myself I like who I am and the things that I like I need to start looking inwards and finding ways of spending my time on my own. I think I am going to ride my bike more often and maybe take some walks too, I have also stopped reading books pretty much it's time for me to get back on that wagon. See this is me looking at the bright side and seeing what is good in my life, it's funny that silly little list has really helped me.

Oh I had a nice dream last night it really made me so happy. I dreamt it was my birthday and I was working when all of a sudden one of my co-workers came in with some purple roses and a stuffed Lama, she said they where for me. I got all excited and started to leave work when my boyfriend (could not see his face sadly) showed up and whisked me away in his car. He took me to dinner and then we went to the park and sat on a blanket and looked at the stars because it was night by then. I woke up as we started to walk back to the car it was just so romantic and it made me so happy.

All in all I am doing ok other then my earlier rant, I'm happy and I am taking everyday as it's comes.

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

So I just found this song again today when I was looking for lyrics of another song and it hit me how much it fits with my life right now. I love it so much, it's so short but it holds so much of how I feel and hope that it really resonates with me. I'm happy I stumbled upon it.

Steps

I feel like I am starting to take steps in the right direction and it's really giving me a true sense of hope.

Today I gave my cats to my brother, this very much makes me sad but I know that he will love them and make sure they are taken care of. I knew after I told Dave I was leaving that he would not keep them but I was always hoping he would so they could be with one of their parents. I wish so much that I could take them but I can't because I am moving in with a friend who is very allergic to them. I have to be willing to give up something I truly love in this sense so that I can have something great.

I know I am doing better that my emotions are starting to settle and that makes me sooooo happy I hate being all emotional. I do wish parts of my life where easier mainly because I am just so tired and want things to be smother but hard just seems to be the way life is.

My biggest issue right now is really just loneliness at night, I need something to sleep with anything to just hold. I once saw a big pillow shaped like a kitty and I wanted it so bad but I did not get it, I truly wish that I had it would be so nice to just snuggle up with that at night. It's getting so hard for me to sleep at night, at my sisters house I sleep like 4 to 5 hours then when her husband goes to work I crawl into bed with her and sleep for another hour maybe. At my friends I sleep a little better but I still wake up at night sometimes and have to read something or play one of my video games because I just can't sleep, plus it's a little scary sometimes. I don't like to whine because it's a stupid fear but I'm afraid of the dark and here I am sleeping in a basement which can get pretty dark and scary. It's childish but when I have a stuffed animal I tend to feel safer, they seem to just give you a sense of not being alone.

Oh well maybe I can find one at some point but I have more important things to spend my money on then a stuffed cat that I can snuggle with because I am a big sissy.

Jealousy

This is a topic I never wanted to talk about, mainly because it sucks and I try so hard for it to not to run my life. I usually don't have strong feelings of jealousy I'm able to think thru them and move on, there is always a feeling behind jealousy you just have to find it and deal with it.

When it comes to the men I date I am good with them being with other women because I know that they still love me and that I still will get sex from them too. Yesterday for the first time in a very long time I had a strong pang of jealousy and it keeps wanting to nag at me. I was never jealous of these people never I could look at them and not care it was only right after all that they act this way but yesterday something was said that just made a pain shot thru me. Afterwards I tried to sit down and think about it calmly and I know why it bothered me, because I am no longer getting the same in return.

The feelings involved are sadness, anger, and the strongest emotion is the feeling of being left out. Know that I know what is driving this maybe I can work on it; I really hope I can because right now every time I think of it another pain ripples around in my head. I am stronger then this and I can work thru it. Until then I am going to try to stick to my list and think of the good things in my life and take a deep breath.

List

So here is what I need to do.

1. Relax
2. Stop pushing
3. Take one day at a time
4. Actually open my mouth
5. Give up a little for a lot
6. Look at the good
7. Make some of my own way
8. Work at work
9. Breath
10. Give it time

Empty

I feel empty for some reason, I have a lot of reasons it could be but I really don't know which reason it could be. I'm trying really hard to not be down I don't like being down I like being happy and full of energy. But I feel like I have lost something in that sense like some amount of my life is being sucked out of me.

I have to give up something I really enjoy and I don't want to, I feel like there is no point because I am never going to get it back. I think the rule will always be in place because things will never be good enough for it to go away. I know that there is a point to this and that I am letting my sadness get the better of me but right now I really can't find it in me to care.

I'm really sick of crying I feel like that's all I do some times, my emotions are so up and down right now. I wonder if I need to talk to someone who can help me but I really don't have the money to pay for something like that. I can't help but think I am going to do this and then it will not make a difference I will still lose in the end.

I hate this so much I am not this person I just want to be myself again, I don't want to lose everything including myself.

Grow up

It's time for me to grow up and stop whining. My life is not that bad, I have a place to stay people who care about me, a good job and a great family.

I need to let people help me, letting them in is not going to get me hurt It will only help make my life even better. I need to learn to trust I have to let the fears of being yelled at go away, lying is no longer a part of my life I'm going to be honest and up front. I am going to make this work, I want this, I have been dreaming of this my whole life.

Time for Chandra Rae Blair to grow up and be a part of something.

Scream

I'm so tired I really just don't want to deal with this stuff anymore. I love the life I have chosen but I just want it to be alright right now, this very moment. I am sick of being sad, angry, lonely, and sorry because I am all of those things and it feels like it's killing me sometimes. It's tearing me up making me wonder what is really right, I'm so happy at times so very happy but at others I fell like I could just cry forever.

I hate this emo crap, I'm not like this I'm strong, nice, happy I don't get this sad, so very sad that I.... god what the fuck am I saying. I don't want to be here, I don't want to hide every move I make every emotion, I want to scream, rip and just ball my eyeballs out. Why can't this be easy why can't I just take the easy road why does it always have to be the hard way Chandra, are you just dumb? Who is this person, I'm so not her but I feel like this and I can't seem to stop it.

I am so gloriously happy with the my heart just out there I just don't want it to be snatched away told to get over it find something new I can't do this I just can't.

Please don't hurt me, I can't fit on this page how much I don't want to lose this. Please who ever is there whatever is there don't let this hurt me and the people I love.

Feelings

God feelings are all I am dealing with right now in some ways it's wonderful in others it's craptaculer. I am so happy my heart could burst everything seems so right as if this is how it should be but at the same time I am also dealing with some pretty deep crap too.

You know I don't know why I bother writing in this anymore no one reads it anyway's and I am to afraid someone will read it that I don't want so I can't really say what I want. My life has so much going on right now and I would like to write about it, writing makes me feel so much better. Letting my thoughts, fears, and just general feelings spill out on this page really does help me get everything straight.

Like right now I am mad, its for a bad reason but I am so mad. I want something and I can't have it because someone else seems to be playing the waiting game, how long can you go. It's wrong of me to be so mad, really wrong but I don't want to lie I am just seething. Its all some game that I just don't want to play but I'm playing anyways because I have no choice, I have to because most of the time I am so so happy with this choice.

I was so happy earlier today, just sitting on the bench of the park. I wanted so bad to be able to stay there all night but I could not, I had places to go and people to see. I had fun don't get me wrong but if I had my choice I would have stayed on that park bench all night just enjoying myself and getting lost in the moment. Now I really just want to scream "GO ALREADY, JUST FUCKING GO!!!!!" You know what, I give up you win goodnight....... I am so mean I should not be but right now I just don't fucking give a shit.

Poly

My life has taken some pretty interesting turns in the last couple of months I've already talked about my Divorce but there is still a lot I have not gone in too. I guess the biggest thing would have to be that I am know living in a polyamourus relationship. For anyone who does not know what Polyamourus means here is a definition.

Polyamory (from poly=multiple + amor=love) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Right know I am with a man and his wife, I have been friends with them for years so it's not like we just meet. It has not been easy sadly I started this relationship with cheating and in the Poly world that is pretty bad. Most people say poly relationships that come from cheating don't make it, I really hope that in our cause that's not true. I am very much in love with the man involved and his wife who is my best friend. Nothing sexual is between me and wife we are just good friends and I hope to stay that way for along time. Things where really hard at first and still are at times, the lying for so long really hurt wife and pretty much lost any trust she had in me and husband.

We are in the very start of this so it's very scary and new but I know in my heart that this is what I want in my life. I want to be with husband and wife for the rest of my life, I love husband with all my heart and I don't think he would be the same person if he was not with wife so I would never want to take him away from her.

Right now I have found a community of people who have been very helpful to me in this strange but happy new lifestyle. I have also done a few colums for their page under my username Catanya. That's all I'm ready to post about this right now but believe me there will be more later.