The Pain's Of Home Buying

So we are going to be buying a house, and all I want to do is groan.  This is the first house that any of us have every owned and just getting started is daunting.

First off Heather and Rob are going to be the ones doing the actual buying I will just be pitching in with down payment and mortgage payments when we get the house of our dreams (or as close to our dreams as we can with a normal persons paycheck).  My credit is not great, not horrible mind you but now great so they really don't need me on the loan, so the actual house purchase will be them with me just helping out.

Second we have been looking to do this since January of last year but after some discouraging remarks from a lender we got scared off.  Heather has had a credit union since she was young and she went to them to get and idea about a pre-approval amount for a loan so we would know where to start looking.  The bank told her they had another company they went thru for the loans and she dutifully called them to get the info.  The guy she got on the line was a DICK!  He was snotty from the moment she got on the phone and when she told him that we only had about $3000 for a down payment at that moment he just shut her down.  He never asked how much she and Rob made and never gave her a chance to say we planed on putting more in to the down payment in the coming year, he just said there was no way we could get a house with that.  Heather came of the phone very discouraged and uninterested in looking further.  It has taken us all this time to finally get going again, I have been pushing all along but until now they where not interested.  Truth to be told Heather is still not interested in being the driving force I have had to push Rob into doing the work.

So finally this year I was a house for sale near Ellie's daycare and I was thinking how great it would be to live that close.  Plus all of our works are about 10 mins away as well as Heathers parents it would really be a great place to live.  I went online and contacted the realtor to see if we could look at the house and he got back to me the next day. He explained that he would love for us to look at the house but he wanted to know if we had gotten pre-qualified for what we could buy first.  I called him and told him no but that we where very interested in doing so.  He was happy that I was not upset about getting pre-qualified first the homeowner just did not like looky loes who had no intentions of possible buying and could not really afford the house anyways.  So the Realtor gave me the name and number of a lender and Rob finally called him!

So now we have been pre-qualified and we are going to look at the house this weekend.  I am ecstatic, I have been waiting for this for so long.  The next part of our life is finally happening, no more apartments a house all our own.   Living in an apartment with all the rooms we needed and space to store stuff was getting expensive, this should be so much better.  Of course we are going to have to deal with the costs of owing a home but at least it will be our home.

More to come on this subject as it develops! Happiness!!

A Different World

Since Ellie has been born I have been looking at the world differently.  I see things as she would see them for the first time, clean and fresh.  Things I had not taken the time to see or feel have really gotten my attention in the past months.  Like the stickiness of yogurt, how fun it is to paint with.  How the sun looks on the carpet and how warm and interesting it feels on your hand.  The feeling of water as you run your fingers thru it, how fascinating it is to watch the water drops as they come out of the shower head.  I missed these thing while rushing around in my crazy adult world and having Ellie has really given me the chance to look at them again.

Right after I had Ellie I found myself crying over the stupidest things, sappy commercials, songs on the radio, even books that I read to her.  It has slowly started to pass but I find I still cry more often then I ever did before.  At first I thought it was because of lingering hormones but now I think not.  I'm seeing the world and the things that are happening in it in a different way now.  Before when I would see something about a family losing a mother or a child on TV I would be sad but now I cry.  I know why because now I am seeing Ellie in everything, how she would feel if these things happened to her or how I would feel.  Sometimes it is so overwhelming, thinking of losing her makes me tear up even now.  My world is forever altered it can never be the same, I can never see it with the callousness that I did as a single person.  When you are on your own all you really have to worry about is you, if you die yes your family will miss and love you but your impact is still minimal.  But when you have a child your death would take a piece of their world from them.  I hope that my daughter never has to leave without me or Rob in her life.

I also see the joyful things as well, the sharing of food, playing in the grass, talking in the car about her day, watching beloved movies for the first time, showing her books that I hope she will love, seeing what her favorite color is, watching her smile at me for the first time, seeing her hug her father and hearing her tell me that she loves me for the first time.  I never want to live in a world without Ellie.

The Walking Dead

The show is amazing, it truly highlights the comic without completely following it page for page.  I have had my ups and downs with the comic, there was even a point where I had to stop reading it for awhile because it was too much.  I did finally come back because I still loved it, I just needed to take some time to not hate what had happened and understand that it was needed.  I hope that the show gets the chance to make people think and really decide if they can love it or hate it. 


Watch the show if you get the chance and read the comic, really read the comic it is the best I have seen in a very long time.  Give it a chance you may come to love it as much as I do.

Sister Wives 2

I know the show has been done for awhile but I really wanted to say how much I really loved the show and I really do hope that they have a second session.  I think what I want most is for it to keep the same feeling of honesty and truth.  They seemed so real and honest, sometimes it hurt, they really wanted people to see what their life was really like and to know how they truely felt about it all.

I was able to identify with all of the wives in one way or the other.  The feelings of jealousy, hope, trust, love, frustration, and passion for the way they lived.  They where never ashamed of the way they lived, they where happy to be in the relationship they just had to deal with the occasional issue.

That is all I really had to say about it at this point I really hope that they get a chance to share more of their lives with all of us.

Dreaming Of Me

It has been a long time since I have gotten to have a me moment.  Things have been so crazy and stressful at work and home is busy with all the stuff we do that I just don't have time.  I have to drop Ellie at daycare, then work then I pick up Ellie, then I go to the Gym three times a week, do my chores once a week, take care of Ellie when I am not doing that.  The weekends are full of Dagorhir practices on Saturday, and gaming on Sunday. I just want a moment to breath.

I had a dream where I was just walking in a stream, rocks where digging in to my feet and cutting them but I did not care.  I felt so calm and full of the feeling of me that it did not matter the pain or cold.  I feel like that is what I need in my life something to make me not care about the being tired and stressed.

Ellie is a big help everyday when I go and get her from day care, I am so excited I'm almost running to get to her room.  Then she smiles at me when she sees me at the door and I just melt, it's so much of what I thought being a mom would be.   

My life is not that bad I have a place to leave, a job, an amazing man who loves me and has the ability to love more, a baby that I have wanted for so long, and friends and family who really care about me.  How can I want more, and yet I do.  Just a breath, sometime to lean back and look at all that I have.

Sister Wives

So Rob, Heather and I have been watching that new TV show on TLC called Sister Wives.  So far we are really liking it.  The family seems so real and very willing to talk about their feeling openly.  I know that they are a polygamist family but a lot of what they are dealing with is the same stuff that polyamorous families deal with.

If you have not watched it you really should, it is wonderful.  Right now the husband courting a 4th wife and it has been over 16 years since they added a new wife to the family.  His existing 3 wives are feeling scared and jealous of what is going on even thought they knew this was something that might happen.  They understand that he still loves them but they have gotten so used to it just being the 4 of them and their kids that they are having a hard time dealing.  They really do talk so openly it's refreshing to see people that are willing to share their feelings even if they are embarrassing or selfish.

The husband Cody is so caring of his wives and their needs.  His wives are also so understanding of the fact that he is being shared and are happy that he makes time for all of the wives.

The other nice thing is that they are not pushing their religion on their children and they want their girls to go to collage, they would prefer if they do not get married before collage.  They all fill a role and seem happy in that role, the one wife loves to work and can because the other wife loves to be home watching the children.  The first wife Meri had a sister who was also married in a polygamist family and she died of cancer.  Her one happiness was that her sisters children already had other mothers there to love them and raise them the way her sister would have wanted.  She is happy that with her life style if something where to happen to her the same thing would happen for her daughter.

I will have to keep watching the show to see where it is going but I really can't wait for the next episode.

Apple Paloza

So yesterday my friends and I where going to go to the Hilton Apple Fest....... But is was yucky outside.  Cold, rainy, muddy and all that grossness.  So instead we went to Wegmans and got, apple crisp, apple cider and some moves, and went back to my house to vegetate for the day.  It was wonderful, I love days where nothing is really planed and you just chill out and have fun spending time with friends. 

Movies watched: 4 and a quarter.

Losers: Awesome movie, great action, cool weapons, funny acting, not a really in depth plot, perfect for the first movie.

Backup Plan:  We watched about 20 minutes of this movie and just could not go on, it was so crappy.

Runaways:  Very good movie loved all the acting, go little but not so little Dakota Fanning.Very surreal and engrossing.

Lewis C.K. Shameless: So funny, I love this man "Suck a bag of dicks!"

Wolfman:  We saw this movie in the theater but we loved it so much we had to watch it again.  I just love the old time feel of all the sets and the actors.  I also love that the makeup for the wolf man was all hand done no CGI.  It was very old school wolfman, LOVED!

Commitment Ceremony

Rob and I had our commitment ceremony on August 29th, it was beautiful.  We had talked about it for months and we finally decided that we did not want to have a lot of people there.  We decided that we wanted it to be us, Rob and I.  We wrote vows and we shared them with each other.  Our friend took some pictures from far away so that we still would have privacy but we would have memories, she also very kindly watched Ellie for us as well.  It really was everything I could want, I love having an aniversery now something we can share

togeather.  Rob is all I could ever want, living with Him, ellie, and Heather is all I want in my life.

My Ellie

Ellie is growing up so fast it's hard for me to see her getting bigger and not being my sweet little tiny girl. I love that she is growing at the same time because now she moves and wiggles and smiles. She is sitting next to me right now in her wiggle chair, trying to grab her toes and sucking on her lower lip.

I can't wait to watch her change and learn, being with her is some of the happiest hours I have had in my life. At first Heather was not so interested in her but now that she is so cute and talkative she has really started to take a liking to her. I have actually went out to exercise and hang out with friends and Heather has been happy to help Rob watch her.

Just thinking about all the milestones that are going to happen in her life and that I am going to be apart of them makes me smile. She is yelling at the top her lungs now, she is not mad or anything she just loves using her voice. Silly cute baby girl.

Killin Time

Nice calm weekend just killen time, hanging with my baby girl the Ellie, Rob and Heather. I have three days next week to chill out then back to work training and getting ready for the next class.

I wish that I felt more confidant with my ability to train. I know that when I get in front of the room I can do it, its really the planing portion that gets me. It does not help that my fellow OJT coach is so fast about getting everything done, she takes over before we have even had a chance to start thinking about what we need to do. I want the chance to prove that I can do this job, so next time we get a chance I am just going to do it and not ask her for anything.

Had some nice time today playing Minecraft, I really love this game it's so much fun. I can build a cave hide out or I can raise a fortress high into the night, then I can kill zombies and dig up Iron ore all in the same day. Awesome game if you have not played it yet you should try it now.

Post Secret

So a friend at work pointed out this blog to me, Post Secret. I don't know what to say about it, I know I love it but I also feel a sense of dread looking at it as well. People send postcards with a secret on it to the blog author and he picks some to post to his blog every Sunday. Reading the postcards make me feel like I am being let in to a private world. They also make me scared, I can't even figure out why.

They seem to help so many people find peace or at least some understanding. For me they make me think of what I would send, I have secrets but I have not hidden many of them. Most I have told my twin sister others I have shared with my boyfriend. I don't know if it's right for me to send one, do my secrets really count.

Reading them truly gets my emotions going, happy and sad. Knowing that people are mailing these out into the world to be possible read by everyone is amazing.

When I write this blog and talk about how I feel about being Poly is my way of sharing my secrets. I need this as much as everyone else needs Post secret.

Beautiful Girl

My baby is so wonderful she makes me so happy to be a mother. She wakes up each morning with a smile for me, its a smile that makes you smile back. I dream of the day she finally starts talking, she can talk my ear off if she wants I don't care. I want to know her likes and dislikes, I want to hear all the silly little things that brighten her day.

I love my Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful Ellie!

Being Poly

I don't know what being Poly is, for the last three years I thought I knew. I wanted poly to be Rob and I in a relationship with another women who loved us both. One who wanted to spend the day and night with both of us equally. I wanted that to be us, a happy loving trio snuggling on a bed together.

Realistically that is not what poly is for us, Poly for us is two women sharing a man. Heather and I have nothing to do with each other, we are friends and that is about it. I would love to say we are like sisters at least but we are not, we are just comfortable friends. In someways this is not bad but I dreamed of so much more, Heather will never be that snuggling girl for me. I have come to except this about our life, I don't think we will ever find a girl who can be that for both of us.

Unexpected Romance

I miss the thrill of the new and forbidden. I miss the unexpected romance that would leave me reeling. I miss doing stuff to just do it, in places it should not be done in. I miss being surprised with a afternoon lunch that I did not think could be fit in.

Since last year right around June things have started to die out, truly it's not anyone’s fault. First there was an unexpected distraction then there was a baby being baked then a baby being born. So it was one thing after another and now it feels like we are both to tired or bored to want to go that extra mile. I hate that I said to myself I would never let that happen.

Don't get me wrong it's not like I don't get my fair share it's just not to the extent that it used to be. I know life changes but I was hoping that this part never would. I can deal with the fact that I am no longer the new and untried but I am still fun and willing to play in pretty much anyway, I think that still makes me interesting. I also know that the forbidden is not some much there anymore but that is the one cool thing about Poly things can always be forbidden and secret.

Sometimes I feel like I'm always going to be chasing after trying to still be relevant.

Staying Home

I need to find some way that I can stay home with Ellie. I had a baby so that I could raise her and take care of her. I did not have a baby so I could take care of her on nights and weekends. I know that it's going to be hard to raise her I know that right now it's easy. But I still want to raise her good or bad. She is my baby I want to be the one to see her grow and change. Maybe when she is older I will want to work again, when she is at school. But right now I need to be home, I need too. Being at work just does not fit for me.

I'm sitting here at work and I am thinking "Yes I could do this everyday, leave Ellie with my sister. But do I want to?" It's going to hurt me inside to let this job suck the life out of me and make me leave my Ellie.

I know that we need money, I also know that we need insurance but there has to be someway that we can get this with me working at home.

Normal

I wish my life was normal, I don't mean just Rob and me I mean everyone being happy. I know that life can't be happy all the time but I just wish we did not have to worry about if everyone wanted to be part of our life.

I love my baby, I love Rob, I care a lot about Heather but I want us to be happy. I just don't know that Heather is going to ever be happy with this or if she is just going to put up with it for her whole life.

I want to live in a poly life where everyone involved where happy with the lifestyle. As of right now we are not really living in a poly lifestyle, Heather and Rob are living as a married couple with the girl that Rob allowed into his life but Heather does not want. I know that she thought I would get bored with Rob and leave and then when I got pregnant she was surprised and scared. I think because she realized that I was not going that I was in it for the long haul.

I truly hate this so much, I think that if Rob and I could we would like to be more Poly because I think that is who we are. Rob loves Heather and he always will but I just don't know what Heather feels. She is so hard to read, you have to pull everything out of her. I think if she had the resolve she would leave Rob and go live with her sister or her parents.

Is it to much to ask that everyone that was involved in a family was happy about it.

Having A Baby

So I always knew that having a baby changed your life, but I can say I am surprised at somethings that have happened. I feel somewhat disconnect with my life like I am watching things happen not really participating, it's really weird. The connection that I felt for Rob is different, I sill love him so much but something is different. I don't know if it's because right now we can't be intimate and that is a big part of our relationship or if it's because I have Ellie now and I am not so dependent on his love.

Every night I am so tired from taking care of Ellie and Rob is so tired from working all day that we kind of just sit and chill. I don't have that same feeling of closeness that I had with him for so long, I'm really sad about it. It could all just be that we need time to settle into this new life with a baby but right now it's really throwing me off.

The other problem is that I am trying so hard not to think about having to go back to work in a couple of weeks because I know that it will make me so sad. I don't want to leave Ellie, I really want to raise her and see her grow. I don't want to just see her on the weekends and at night when I get home from work. She is so important for me and I truly hate missing the most important part of her life, where she is becoming a person.

I also don't think Heather is adjusting to this as well as I would hope. We really need to sit down with her and talk about what how she wants to be in Ellie's life. I still wish she was truly interested in this life and not just hanging on because she loves Rob. I want our life to be happy and content and I don't think Heather is ever going to fell that way. I think she is always going to wonder if she fits and if things would just be better if she left or I left. I want her to know what she wants and do it. I truly sound like a broken record when it comes to this so I will move on.

Ellie is wonderful and I look at her and love her more then I can possible say, nothing can change that for me. I wish I could have had that last month of pregnancy but 8 months was OK. I can't wait till I am pregnant again, I loved it so much. There where hard parts but the feeling of having a baby inside of you is like nothing else. I also wish the labor had been different, if I get pregnant again I plan on doing things differently. For one I plan on staying natural and maybe even doing a water birth. It's funny labor is hard, scary and painful but I would do it again because it was so neat doing something that only I could do for my baby.

Welp I know I have more to say but I can't think of it know so I will come back when I can.

Idiot

So my mothers Ongologist is a goddam idiot. He told her that everything came back clean on her tyroid tests and that there was no cancer. He then sent her to get some radiation to make sure nothing was left. The radiation people took it on themselves to look at all her lab test and slides from the test and found some intresting results. She does have cancer pretty widespread within her uterus and her Cervix. They said if the doctor had looked at even one of her slides he would have seen it. They also said that if they had done the small amount of radiation that the doctor wanted to have done she would have did in a matter of years.

How fucking retarted can you be, it's your job to look for cancer and you could not even look at one goddam slide! I am so so mad, so mad like steaming mad. When my mom saw him he would not even touch her or give her a physical exam, she said he was very standofish.

I am just so......

Heart

I have missed Rob a lot the last couple of months. It's not like he is away a lot or anything it's just that he has seemed so unlike himself. I miss the man that he was, silly, goofy, antagonistic, playful, happy, and here. The last couple of months have been hard so much has happened and it seems to have taken a lot of the life out of him. I wish there was something we could do to bring that life back. I don't know if he needs to go away for a bit to get some time on his own to refresh himself, or there are just things that need to be settled before life can go on. I think that in some ways he is never going to be the same man, I think to much has happened for him to be able to go back completely to the carefree man he was.

I love him now as I loved him before but I just miss seeing the light in his eyes. I want to hold him and see him get better, but I know it's not going to happen.

I feel tired too, just so worn out. I know some of it has to do with the baby but I know that a lot of emotional stuff is wearing me out too. I don't know if in some ways this is my fault, I had this vision in my head of how it should be when I got pregnant and what is happening now is not it. I thought I would have time to relax and get ready for what is coming, I thought everything would be nice and calm after the initial freak out. Everything is so crazy, I still don't know how Heather truly feels about this and even if I ask her I don't think I will ever get her true inner answer. She is not going to tell her family and I think this will end up being a mistake I know this is her choice but I think it's going to bite us in the butt. So much is going to change in the next few months and I would just like to know how everyone is going to handle it. I know it's not going to be easy but it would be nice to have a general idea that everyone is willing to stick it out with this and not cut and run, and right now I am not sure of that.

I just want to see everyone happy again in my little family, I miss the joy we used to have in our house. I thought this baby would bring more happiness but with everything being so fucked up because of other things it feels like it has just been buried. It feels so empty I just want our heart back.

Of Late

Lately I have not really posted a lot, so much is going on in my life that I don't know how to put into words. I wanted this to be a place that I could express my thoughts and feelings but of late it has just been a hole I look into. I never wanted to keep a blog that was so emo but I am truly sick of keeping this empty just because I don't like what I'm writing. The good and the bad has to be here.

The baby: This baby is everything to me I am clinging to it right now like a life preserver. I have wanted him in my life since I can't remember and now I have him and it seems like everything has gone to shit. My mother once said that there is a curse on my family, that whenever something good happens something equally bad happens to negate it out. This has pretty much held true for my whole life, the one thing that has changed is that in the last couple of years I have looked at it a different way. Maybe it was not a curse after all it was a blessing. Maybe something good happens to me because fate knows that something horrible is coming around the corner and it is trying to help make it not so bad. It can't make my life the happiest but it is trying to not make it the worst ether. Example: My mother had he uterus removed which she has been fighting to have done for years, we are all so happy. Then they find that she has cancer, we are all scared and worried but maybe that was the point. Maybe the reason fate finally let her have this surgery is because it knew about the cancer and wanted to make sure she was safe. So far after all the test and other surgeries that have not found the cancer anywhere else then in the uterus. As scary and bad a time this has been maybe there was a reason.

The thing that is making this so hard for me is that I did not want my baby to be one of those things but sadly I think it's true. I finally get pregnant and I am so happy, then all of these things in our life that have been hovering around just explode. I know some of the exploding has to do with the baby but some of it was all on it's own. Will this baby be something to help me as I watch our relationship crumple around us or will it be a presence to bring us back together. I just did not want this for my baby. I wanted to just enjoy this time, feel this baby inside me and know that I am going to love him so much when he comes out. I did not want him to just be a buffer for the bad things.

Our relationship: I have no idea where the fuck we are going, no clue. So much is out of my control, it's like a train wreak I have to just watch and hope that everyone comes out ok. I truly don't have much to say because really there is nothing I can do. I love Rob will never stop loving Rob but sometimes my love is not enough. I can't help him through this I can just be there. Heather is my friend but we will never be as close as we where I can't be the confidant and companion she needs. They have to make their own beds and lie in them, where they will be and who they will be with in the end if anyone I have no idea.

I just want my life to be simple, but really I'm dumb because nothing with Rob can be simple. Maybe if things had gone differently 8 years ago, maybe if people had realized things about themselves and what they wanted this would be different. But maybe I would not be here I would be somewhere else just as crazy.

I really am just going to have to ride this out and hope that we can work this out or at least separate and all go good ways. I have to live this life no matter what, I have a baby to think about now and I plan on doing my best for him.