Family

So I'm having a baby, so so happy about it!

Heather has decided that she is not going to tell her family about our life style, she is just going to tell them I got pregnant accidentally with a boyfriend that I had just broken up with. I don't like it I don't really think it's going to work but Heather does not feel comfortable enough with our relationship to defend it to her family so she feels like this is the only way it will work.

I have decided that I am not going to try to work up an elaborate story if someone in her family asks me about it I will tell them I really don't want to talk about it and if they press I will say that it really is not any of their business. I will go along with this because it is what Heather wants and it is her family but I truly don't feel like it is the right thing. They will find out someday and I plan to have at least one more child and I don't know how we could really get people to buy that again, and if we did it would make me look like a slut and stupid. We will figure this out I guess, hopefully before the kid is old enough to understand what is going on around it because at that point it's all out the window. I will not lie to my child or make them lie, it does not work and it only hurts them.

Wearing Thin

With everything that is happening with my sister and my mother it’s really making me think about my life. I worry how much time I have and where I am going. I want children desperately and up till now I have been putting off really trying but I think it’s time I start. I don’t know how long I will be able to have children PICOS makes it harder and harder for you to get pregnant the older you get. Plus I want my mother to be around when I have my children, and if this cancer turns out to be bad I don’t know how long she will be here.

I’m scared, really really scared I’m not ready to loss both my mother and twin sister. This has really made me look at myself, I’m going to sit down with Heather and Rob and tell them what I want in my life. We do not have to make all the changes now but I think it’s time that I get it out in the open so we can move in that direction. I want to have equal nights, I want to have this Commitment Ceremony, I want to have children, I want us to all be talking about our relationship every month, I want to let Rob’s family know if not Heathers so that when I have children they can be involved. I would also like to go forward with trying to go to school so that I can have an actual career and be able to make my own hours. So that hopefully when I have children I will be able to stay home with them. I want to be a stay at home mom until my children are going to kindergarten, then I’m happy to go back to work.

I think the things I am asking for are reasonable requests and if they are not then we can work it out I just need to do something. I have really been letting things stagnate and it’s time to actually make some progress. Plus some other things need to be decided as well, it has already been to long and it’s getting to be dangerous.

I’m really hoping that the counselor can help me get things straight in my head, she was very friendly and nice and seemed to be ok with me being in a poly relationship. I want to try and get my sister to go see one as well she could really use the help, things are wearing on her pretty bad.

Ceremony

Sometime in May of next year Rob and I will be having a commitment ceremony. I have wanted to do this for awhile but we have held off until I was divorced and Heather was more comfortable with our relationship. I am divorced as of June; all we need now is to know if Heather is comfortable with what is going on. We had not told Heather right away about our plan for the ceremony, not because we where trying to hide it but because we wanted to get some details nailed down before we brought it up. Sadly she found out about it thru no ones fault and was upset. She was mad that she had to hear about it from a third party instead of from us. This does not help our case, I really want her to be ok with this but I’m not sure if she will be. After she found we sat down and talked about it a bit but Heather just continued to read her fan fiction on her laptop and “ahh” and “hum” from time to time. I don’t think she really thought about it at all, I know this is hard for her but I don’t know what to do. We will sit down again in a month or so and hopeful other things will have been taken care of and we can really get down to talking about our relationship.

I am thinking that it will be outside maybe in the park near our house, it’s really beautiful there. If it’s to cold outside it will most likely be in our apartment, or maybe somewhere else depending how the next few months pan out. We have asked a friend to officiate and he is thinking about it but he wants to make sure he is not stepping on anyone’s toes.

I really want this to happen, I feel like in need this to give me a more stable feeling in our relationship. We are supposed to be a family, Rob is not just dating me I live with them and we are going to be together forever. I want something to link me that way even if it’s just promises made to each other forever remembered by a ring and a day each year to celebrate.

Three

Last week my mom had her uterus removed, she has been having bleeding issues for a long time so this was something she has been trying to have done forever. Today she went and had her staples taken out and to have a general check up and the doctors wanted to talk to her about some of the tests they do automatically when they do this kind of surgery. They found Cancer stage 2. When my mother heals from this surgery they are going to remove her cervix as well. I was so surprised that I did not think to ask my mom more questions, we where on the phone so it was a limited conversation. She does not seem scared about any of this which I think was shat surprised and stunned me so much.

I don’t know how to react, I’m scared and stunned. I want to know more information from my mother, I’m not sure if with removing her uterus and cervix that will make her cancer free or not. I don’t know if she is going to have to go in for some kind of treatments. I don’t know anything.

This comes on top of the fact that the disease that caused my twin sisters kidneys to fail the first time is back. They are going to be doing some treatments with her and they hope that they can flush it out of her system. So far the Kidney I gave her is not failing but if this does not work who knows.

I don’t know how to feel about all this on top of everything else that I am stressing over right now it’s really mind blowing. I feel like nothing is wrong right now, scared of course but that’s it. I worry what this could mean for me and I’m happy that I am going to see my doctor this month so I can talk to her about what is going on and see if there are any tests they can run to see if anything is wrong with me.

Life can never be simple and it’s so true that trouble always comes in three’s. Tonight I just want to grab Rob and have him hold me for a little while, I just want to smell him and touch him basically anchor myself to him for some time.

Shadows

I finally realize that you can’t truly change a person, as much as you would like to think that you will be the one to change them you are WRONG. Even if you don’t actively think you are trying you are somewhere deep inside, more the fool you are then.

I can’t change myself and I hate worrying about other people and hiding from other people. I really want to live a full Poly life, completely. Being able to tell people when I want and to not tell other people when I don’t want. We are in a closed poly relationship no one is allowed in but the three of us but that is mainly because of Heather. If she was not in this relationship that would not be true, I’m half in and half out. I can’t believe I got myself into this, I am such a fool. I love Rob really truly but I’m rasping against our bonds.

I am so happy, but I feel like shadows are on the horizon. We still need to deal with families, babies, and I eventual want more nights. I want to be even with Heather not just two nights a week. I know she needs time and we will be together forever, but in some ways I just want to get it all out of the way so that we don’t have to wait for when things will crumble we can know now.

Nothing major is happening in our lives yet but I suddenly started thinking of these things, hope my mind shuts of soon really really soon.

Before now I really thought things would work out with all of us but I am not so sure now. I loved having Rob with me for all of Rag, I don't want him completly just more evenly it sucks going back to two nights a week. Rob and Heather are shaky more so then I ever though I don't know if they can truely do this togeather. I can't be selfish they need time to build up their bonds again but how stong will they be and what will cause them to come tumbling down again.

I am in a dark mode a lot of this is just noise not real issues, just a way for me to vent. Yuck.

Ragnarok And More

Things are going well with us Ragnarok was amazing. We really got to have a fun week in make believe, I was so sad to come back to real life. It’s like nothing else I have ever been too, people all look like you and have most of the same likes that you do it’s amazing. I can’t really describe it you have to go to truly understand the feelings you get.

We got back on Sunday and have had time to unpack and adjust to normal life so I am back at work again, sadness. Can’t wait for Badon Hill in September.

Rob and Heather are having some trouble connecting a lot of things that they had in common they don’t anymore. I am truly hoping that things get better for them. I asked Rob why he married Heather because in some ways I think he wishes he could be more free with his love; and he said that he loved how her love is so steady, like a rock. She will always love him the same amount steady and strong, she is always there for him. Plus he did not know about Poly and other life options at that time, he also thought that he could be completely faithful to her. I don’t think her is mad at her it’s not her fault people just can’t change to much of their nature, Heather is willing to put up with me (inside I think she still hates me) but anymore and I think she would go screaming into the darkness.

I wonder if Rob should have married her, knowing now his nature was it right for him to put her in a place where she may be unhappy and he may be unhappy. Would it have been better for him to have let go of her love so that they could both live a life they way they wanted. Maybe Heather would have found someone else who could have given her the love and affection she needed as well as the fidelity. Then Rob could have lived his life sharing his love with others more freely and not having to worry that he is hurting someone he cares about because he could be open with all of the loves in his life. I know how he is so for me a full Poly life would be nice I could live more freely as well, but Heather truly can’t.

Their love is strong so maybe they will be ok and Rob will be happy with just me and Heather or maybe someday Heather will feel free enough to tell Rob that he can seek out different loves. I might be wrong in all of this but I just don’t know. I love them together but I don’t know if they will be happy together.

I’m ok, my life is pretty set work, dag, home, friends, family. Pretty clear cut and to the point, not a lot of surprises. I like it it’s nice to live knowing what is going to happen from day to day most of the time. But I also want to try new things, maybe date a nice girl. I have this friend her name is Bliss she is very pretty and smart I like her a lot and I wish that her and I could get closer. I want to ask her out, she likes girls but right now she is with her boyfriend and is happy that way. She does not know how he would feel about her dating a girl, he is not really Poly even though she would be ok with that life style. Maybe I can find someone else is would be nice to date a girl.

Page In A Book

A new page in my life is about to start. Any day I will get a letter finally saying that I am divorced, in many ways that truly makes me happy. I am sad about what happened between Dave and I and sometimes I wish that there could have been some way to fix it but I know there was not. I could have stayed with him and tried to work our relationship out but I know eventually I would not been able to handle it anymore. There where things I needed from him that he could not have given me, I am very affectionate and emotional, I need someone who can be that way with me but he was not that person. It’s not even his fault you can’t change who you are, he is just not very affectionate he tried he really did. I know in the end this was the right thing but I still feel bad and sometimes I truly miss him. I hope that someday he can find a girl like me with the happiness that he loved but who can be happy without displays of outward affection.

Sometimes I get down on my self I say I will never cheat again I have no reason to, but then I look back at all I have done and say if I have done it once who is to say I will not do it again in a moment of weakness. The thing is that I have grown up a lot since I have done those things and I have learned a lot about my nature. I know what situation are dangerous for me and I know to avoid them, I am stronger then I once was. I also really don’t think I would do anything even if it feel in my lap because I truly am happy and I’m not willing to let myself ruin that.

Trying for a baby is the hardest thing I am dealing with right now. I want so much for it to happen quickly but it's not. I know I need to stop stressing on it, because stress can make it hard to have a baby but I can't seem to get my mind to listen. A couple of weeks ago my friends and I where talking about the whole Mayan disaster that is supposed to happen in 2012 and my one friend joked that the world would end the moment I gave birth. I wanted so badly to kill him, like dead. It's silly but that is a major fear of mine, not the world ending thing so much but the whole not getting to have a child. I can only keep trying and hoping that it works, if not then I will really need to start looking at infertility stuff.

Rob's parents still don't know and I truly don't think they will by the time of his sisters wedding, I know he is trying but I also know how easy it is for him to put it out of his mind. He does not care to much if his family knows it's really me who cares. I want them to be a part of our lives, especial the babies lives once I have them. I don't want to wait until I am pregnant to tell them. But I also have decided that there is really nothing else I can do, if Rob and Heather decide to tell their families then great I will be so happy if not then I will learn to deal. If they are not a part of our lives I will be sorry for my children and for ourselves but it will be OK we have each other and my family who loves us all so very much. Things will be OK.

Life is becoming more normal everyday, more like a real relationship with it's in and outs. I'm happy truly truly happy, things will never be perfect but I think it doesn't matter any more I don't need perfect I need this.

Not Enough

Sometimes I think I drive Rob nuts with how many times I tell him I love him but its because I am trying so hard to get out how I really feel. I keep opening my mouth hoping the right thing will come out but its too big. Love just does not seem enough.

One night I was laying with him and it was like a physical ache inside me I needed so badly to be close to him. I was holding him so tightly to myself and so was he but it still hurt and I think it hurt him too, we could not get close enough. I don't know what it is that draws me so strongly to him I have tried figuring it out but I can't seem to see it. He has all the things that a normal person has, good, bad, in between. Some people would say more bad but I don't think so there is a lot of good in him it's just different.

He makes me laugh and cry, in all the good ways. He makes me feel, sometimes when I don't think I can. Its hard I'm not always happy and I can't see it myself but he does, I need that. He is always sure things will work out, while I always worry deep inside that they will not. He really does, he refuses to plan for things in the negative. I think I long for that in myself, I would love to let go of my fears and just know I am always going to be here with him. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by sex I can't stop wanting it, needing it even thought I know I'm pushing. I see that in him too, I don't always want to be driven so hard by it but I see him struggle as well and it makes me feel better. He looks at me and I honestly want to know what he sees, his eyes look so happy. I look at me and I see me, I can't find what about my face makes him so happy. I tried to think about his face and how it makes me smile and I can't pin point why I just cant.

Lots of people say that they want to have there loved ones baby because they want something that is a little bit of both of them. I want that I do but truly I want more of him, I live with me everyday I don't need more of me. I want to see what he was like when he was growing up, I know that a baby is his own individual self but there will be pieces of Rob in there. I want to see the joy and pride in Robs heart when he see's how much his son will be like him. Smart, funny, full of sass. Nothing can be more important to me then having that baby with Rob there so he can hold him when he is born, see how tiny he is. I never realized how small babies really are, I want to see him holding that tiny baby. I need that and I think Rob understands how much I need that baby. It's scary, so much can happen with children but I am truly willing to take that risk and jump right in.

I don't think I will ever be able to tell Rob how big this feeling I have for him is, or how much it makes me feel whole. I will just continue to live my life seeing myself as a better person because of what he sees and wishing I knew how he was able to find it in me.

Simplicity

Sometimes the idea of simplicity is so appealing. Just to do simple things, to live a simple life seems thrilling. I watch the movies where people go and live in places like Italy or France and I want to be there so badly. To buy all your food fresh, have beautiful flowers every night, and to watch the sunset over the ocean.

Walk among the trees barefoot and just feel the cool grass between your toes. Pet a kitten, smell its fur, fall asleep with it's purring in your ears. I miss that. Hold a baby, know that its yours and that at that moment nothing else matters. Lose yourself in the feel of it's skin, the smell of it's hair, its weight in your arms.

Tasting a man's sweat, the sun slanting in the window as you lose yourself in his grasp. Laying your hand on his chest and feeling the coarse hair beneath your fingers. Kissing his lips and feeling that tingle in your stomach as the kiss lingers just a moment longer. The way you mind blanks out for a moment fuzzing to nothing as he holds you. The moment when you just can't seem to get close enough and you just want to feel like part of him and then you are.

Such simple small things, I cherish the moments I have and long for the ones I have not yet experienced. I need to take more time to look at my life and to see it for what it is and what small things it can give me right now.

Jealousy

So lately my jealousy and anger have been out of control. It seems to always be burning underneath everything that I say or do with Heather. I don't know what is wrong with me but I have never felt this way not the whole time Rob and I had been fooling around or after we got into our relationship. I find that when Heather asks me a question that seems obvious I want to snip at her, I also find my self thinking mean things after I answer. Last week when I came home at one point the door was locked and the light was off, we usually leave the door unlocked and the light on for anyone not home so it makes it easier for them to get in. Once or twice in the past Rob or I have accidental locked the door or left the light off and Heather has come home and been upset about it. When is has happened I run and get the door for her as quickly as I can because I feel bad and I did not mean to. It has dome to be this big thing like if you are the one locked out we don't care about you or something. I never really minded because I understand things happen but that night I felt different. I watched thought the screen on the door window as I tried to unlock both locks and Heather just sat there watching me do it she never made any move to come and get the door. When I go in she said it was because she thought I was home already and she was sorry. I was a little peeved that she did not help but that was it, then I went up to say hi to Rob and he told me she asked him if I was home and he said no. So it left me wondering if Heather left the door locked on purpose to punish me for the times in the past.

Now there is a huge possibility that it really was an accident and I am making a big deal out of nothing but I can't seem to shake it. I wonder if this is just truly my jealousy rearing it's ugly head or if its more. All the things I have read about poly talk about the fact that jealousy always comes from something, it's not it's own separate emotion but more a mix of many others. I don't know if I'm mad because I want more nights and I feel like I can't ask for them because I am greedy or if it's the fact that Rob planed on telling his family about me before his sisters wedding and Heather told him she thinks that he should wait until after. His sisters wedding is in October, it feels to me like she wants to put it off. I know that all of this stuff could really be just may head making it bigger but it's really just driving me nuts.

I never wanted to hide this relationship forever I want it out and real. It feels like it may just drag on forever, I was so happy that Rob was going to tell his family it was the next step but now I don't think it's going to happen.

I don't know what to feel things are so much better but it still seems like somethings have never changed. I want to sit down and seriously talk about where things are going, like talking to families, babies and nights. I also want to find out how everyone is feeling because I don't think it's really all out there and it needs to be. I want to know if Heather can seriously deal with this or if she has just been gritting her teeth to get thought it. I don't want her unhappy I want this to be good, not perfect mind you but good.

Watchmen

So last Friday I got to go see Watchmen, it was amazing. I loved it so much I went a second time, and I would go a third or forth time if I could. It was so true to the comic, and it filled in the spaces in between the frames as well. Here are somethings I loved about the movie.

-I love how DR. Manhattan looks, his eyes are like constant star burst and when the camera moves near him there is this interesting other worldly sound effect that happens.

-The scene with Night Owl and Silk Specter in the owl ship is so sexy. I like that they went there, it was unexpected and amazingly done.

-The actor who played Rorschach was so good, he truly made me feel for him. At the end right before he is disintegrated his emotion is so strong and it really makes you understand why he was doing what he was doing.

-The fighting was so well done it truly gave action to the comic. I like how the movie was great for people who had read the comic and for people who had not.

-The Scene at the end with Ozymandias after everything has happened and Night Owl and Silk Specter are leaving, he looks like a little kid waiting for someone to tell him that he has done the right thing it's so cool.

-The music. Bitching! Some people whinnied that they should have used new music, I think that's stupid the movie takes place in the 80's we have perfect music just waiting to be used and it was well done I must say.

So that is just some of the reasons I love the movie.

Steps

So I can't stop thinking about babies again, dreaming about them, seeing pregnant women and wishing I was one of them. Sometimes I don't know why I have such an overwhelming urge to to be pregnant and have a baby. I know that some of it has to do with the fact that I am a women and thus I have all of those hormones that go along with it. My body wants to carry a baby because that is what It's supposed to do. I want a baby though because I think I would be a good mother and I want so badly to have a baby with the person I am with.

God it kills me how much I want to fell a baby growing inside of me, I was so envious of my sister when she was pregnant. I want so bad to place my hand on my belly and feel a baby kick, to have Rob rest his head there and hear the baby's heartbeat. To hold that baby when she or he comes out and touch and smell she of he. I can never stop thinking about them I just want so badly to talk this out and finally decide that yes we are trying for a baby. I have this medicine that my doctor gave me that will make my period regular and thus will make me more fertile, but I have not started to take it yet because I don't think its time. I think the families need to know about our relationship I think it would be wrong for me to become pregnant and then lay it all on them. Rob said that he is going to tell his family, he wants to talk to his sister first and he hopes that she will help him tell his mother. Heather still has no idea when she is going to tell her family.

This fells like it is almost right, like we are almost there.

Jewlery

Lately I have been thinking a lot about jewelry. I have never once gotten a piece of jewelry form a man that I did not know about. I have always eather picked it out or have been there when it was gotten. I want to know what it feels like to get something that I will wear forever that I did not pick out.

I have always liked the idea of a locket, a nice little locket. Something that I can put a picture in and wear around my neck. For me it feels like something I could hand down to my children when they get older.

It's silly and I know it a girl wanting jewelry but sometimes I just want to be a girl.

Hurt

I am so angry, jealous and hurt. I’m trying not to be but I can feel it just seething beneath the surface. I get jealous, everyone does but normally with Heather it’s very minimal, she is Robs wife of course their going to do things. But today it just hit me and I am so….. oh I can’t even explain.

Every morning when I wake up I get ready for work and then Heather gets up and gets ready and I say good morning to Rob and then I leave. But today I get up and when I’m done in the shower no Heather, sometimes this happens she sleeps in so I go downstairs and have breakfast. When this happens Rob ends up coming downstairs at some point and saying goodbye but not this morning. This morning I sit and wait for him but he does not come, and I realize why when I listen him and Heather are having sex. Now the fact that they are having sex does not bother me, Rob and I have sex all the time at weirder times it’s the fact that he is doing it when he has not said goodbye to me. Can’t he have told Heather before they started, “let me say goodbye to Chandra and then I will come back.” Or can’t he have come told me he wanted to have sex and I would have said goodbye and left early so they could have been alone. I really don’t mind that they have sex even when I am in the house it only seems right to me but it hurts that he did not say goodbye, he always says goodbye, always.

I’m really hurt right now and I don’t think I can be objective, I know I am blowing this out of proportion but it just hurts. I have never felt so hurt by him, he is always so good with me and about our relationship and the intricacy of it. I’m just shaking right now and I just want to cry. I know that when I get home he will be nice to me and I will be all better but right now I just hurt.

Getting Started

So this weekend I cleaned up my gym membership and will start going back on Monday, yippee. I also looked in to somethings you should do if you are trying to get pregnant, like taking prenatal vitamins even if your not pregnant yet. I am going to pick some of those up when I go to the store. I feel jazzed about this, I know it's not going to be easy and there will be days that I wish I could just eat what I want but I know I can do this. It's for a baby that's all I have to keep thinking about, baby.

I'm also going to make an appointment with my OB and talk to her about things I should start doing and seeing if there is anything they can do to make this easier. I don't want this to take forever but I know not to get my hopes up with my body this could take years, yuck.

Looking Back

This is a great time for me to look back at my year and see how it has unfolded.

Rob, Heather and I moved into our own apartment in May to great success. I now have both Thursday and Friday nights with Rob. I have my own bed room that I picked out most of the decorations for, finally.

Rob and I want to most if not all of the Saturday and Tuesday practices for Dag, we also did hit all of the Dag Battles in this area. Rob and I went to 4 days of Ragnork one of the biggest Dag battles and had a blast, we also went to Badon hill as a unit and where filmed for the new TV show called Wreckreation Nation on Discovery channel. The episode airs January 20th at 10pm and will most likely be replayed a million times! We now have 6 people in our unit and we are hoping to get more soon.

I have a name of a lawyer that I am going to call on Monday so that I can finally get my divorce from Dave. I have a car that I have made payments for on my own on time for the whole year. I have paid off most of my debts and am working towards paying off the rest of them. My niece turned 1, started walking talking and being cute in general. I lost a friend but gained a lot more. I talked to a women about the possibility of being on a show about Poly, have not heard anything back yet but these things take time. Kissed no new girls :( Decide to lose wight once and for all so I can have babies. Seen some truly amazing movies and read some wonderful books.

Well I think that pretty much sums it up but if I think of anything else I will add it later.

Weight

So I have finally hit the moment of it’s time to lose weight.

My work is doing this biggest loser contest and I signed up for it. You put in $20, there are three winners who lost the most weight, next highest weight lose and so on for the third. The first winner gets 65% of the pot, the second gets 30% and the last gets 5%. I entered this because I really wanted to make a change in my life but mainly because I want to get pregnant and I just can’t seem to.

I have been reading online a lot about Polycystic ovary syndrome which I am almost certain I have. I had a test at my OB’s office and they gave a tentative diagnosis of yes but I never had the change for it to get confirmed. But what I have read online really points towards it, irregular or nonexistent periods, pain in pelvic area and skin tags in neck and armpit area. Plus it helps that Sara has it and we are identical twins. Losing weight can really help with this syndrome and in general will help me.

I want to have a baby with everything in me, I know it may not be the right time but I don’t want to wait any longer. I can do this I can get my life and weight on track, I actual know what works for me I just have to stick to it. I work best with moderate exercise everyday or every other day, portion control also works well for me. I’m going to get my gym membership squared away and then I am going to start going again, I am also going to start doing some exercise at home. Everything I have read says to write a journal about all the things your doing to get healthy and to have a goal, well here is my journal and my goal is babies. If I want this bad enough I can do it.

Current weight: 300 even

Party

Tonight I am going to a friends Christmas party which will be nice I will be giving them more time together and I can relax a little and get some thinking done. I hate that I have spent most of this week away from home but maybe it’s good for me to get out. I think I have to make more of an effort to do stuff outside the house give Rob and Heather time to just be with one another even if it’s just them watching tv or Heather on her computer and Rob near by.

Messy

So I guess after talking to Rob about how she feels, thinks are better for Heather. Rob has also realized that he was not giving her as much attention as she needed.

This is great don’t get me wrong I am happy they worked it out but urgggg! This big deal was made out of it and now its nothing, blown a way as if it was so much dust and dirt. I guess a lot centered on me how my habits annoy her and how I don’t do enough at the house. Also how she feels that I am not truly committed to Rob since I have yet to get my divorce. I try not to be mad about these things because honestly I can be messy and even though I make excuses that I don’t have any time for the laundry I do I just have to do it when I want to be doing something else which sucks but life sucks.

But I am mad, I know I’m messy, I forget things, and I tend to put stuff off for a later time because I am scared about it or just plain lazy but how the hell does she know how I feel. I love Rob, I love him so much I gave up my marriage which even though crappy was normal to get in to a relationship where I will never feel truly safe. I have no guarantee of stability, at a moments notice she could say she can no longer handle me and in the end out I will go. Rob may decide that he can’t live with out me or he could try to fight her over it but in the end she may stick to her guns and done it will be. Then what will happen will he continue to try to see me on the side which eventual I will have to end because I can’t truthfully live like that forever. Or will it end right away and it will have to go on my own, which at this point I am ready to do if need be, I will be shattered to pieces but I will do it. I know she is sad I know she is having a hard time really I do but I do not feel like she has a right to say something like that. I have never once said to Rob that I don’t think Heather loves him and if I have said anything about her feelings for him then I am truly sorry I don’t have that right.

I love him, I will get the divorce. It’s hard and scary and when I look at it all I can see is a daunting task. But I will do it, I will pull up my boot straps and get it done. Until then I need her to give me time and to not make judgments. This is fucking hard for everyone, she is not the only one suffering, this was not what I original wanted for my life and even once I have excepted this life style this is not the way I would have wanted it either. I would love to be in a relationship with two people who both love me not just a relationship where one person loves me and the other one puts up with me. I truly feel that this is how it is with Heather she puts up with me because she has to. I love Heather she drives me nuts and things are not perfect but I truly do care about her well being, I just don’t know if she feels the same way. Did I make the right choice? Sometimes I don’t know, I think she is just doing this to keep Rob but how long will it take her to just hate it and us.

Blow Over

SO all this and nothing, I leave to give them some time to them self and I don't think anything was discussed. If they did I'm not going to hear about it, I will have to bug Rob and I hate that.

I should just ask but I don't want to upset Heather if they did talk about some things. Plus I know I will say the wrong thing and it will all go out the window. Sometimes I am so straight forward I just want people to stay stuff and get it out in the open, just say it for gods sake. What is the matter? Are you happy? Do you hate me? Please!

I am just going to sit here and stew and wait it's the only way, hope someone says something.