Unexpected Romance

I miss the thrill of the new and forbidden. I miss the unexpected romance that would leave me reeling. I miss doing stuff to just do it, in places it should not be done in. I miss being surprised with a afternoon lunch that I did not think could be fit in.

Since last year right around June things have started to die out, truly it's not anyone’s fault. First there was an unexpected distraction then there was a baby being baked then a baby being born. So it was one thing after another and now it feels like we are both to tired or bored to want to go that extra mile. I hate that I said to myself I would never let that happen.

Don't get me wrong it's not like I don't get my fair share it's just not to the extent that it used to be. I know life changes but I was hoping that this part never would. I can deal with the fact that I am no longer the new and untried but I am still fun and willing to play in pretty much anyway, I think that still makes me interesting. I also know that the forbidden is not some much there anymore but that is the one cool thing about Poly things can always be forbidden and secret.

Sometimes I feel like I'm always going to be chasing after trying to still be relevant.

Staying Home

I need to find some way that I can stay home with Ellie. I had a baby so that I could raise her and take care of her. I did not have a baby so I could take care of her on nights and weekends. I know that it's going to be hard to raise her I know that right now it's easy. But I still want to raise her good or bad. She is my baby I want to be the one to see her grow and change. Maybe when she is older I will want to work again, when she is at school. But right now I need to be home, I need too. Being at work just does not fit for me.

I'm sitting here at work and I am thinking "Yes I could do this everyday, leave Ellie with my sister. But do I want to?" It's going to hurt me inside to let this job suck the life out of me and make me leave my Ellie.

I know that we need money, I also know that we need insurance but there has to be someway that we can get this with me working at home.

Normal

I wish my life was normal, I don't mean just Rob and me I mean everyone being happy. I know that life can't be happy all the time but I just wish we did not have to worry about if everyone wanted to be part of our life.

I love my baby, I love Rob, I care a lot about Heather but I want us to be happy. I just don't know that Heather is going to ever be happy with this or if she is just going to put up with it for her whole life.

I want to live in a poly life where everyone involved where happy with the lifestyle. As of right now we are not really living in a poly lifestyle, Heather and Rob are living as a married couple with the girl that Rob allowed into his life but Heather does not want. I know that she thought I would get bored with Rob and leave and then when I got pregnant she was surprised and scared. I think because she realized that I was not going that I was in it for the long haul.

I truly hate this so much, I think that if Rob and I could we would like to be more Poly because I think that is who we are. Rob loves Heather and he always will but I just don't know what Heather feels. She is so hard to read, you have to pull everything out of her. I think if she had the resolve she would leave Rob and go live with her sister or her parents.

Is it to much to ask that everyone that was involved in a family was happy about it.

Having A Baby

So I always knew that having a baby changed your life, but I can say I am surprised at somethings that have happened. I feel somewhat disconnect with my life like I am watching things happen not really participating, it's really weird. The connection that I felt for Rob is different, I sill love him so much but something is different. I don't know if it's because right now we can't be intimate and that is a big part of our relationship or if it's because I have Ellie now and I am not so dependent on his love.

Every night I am so tired from taking care of Ellie and Rob is so tired from working all day that we kind of just sit and chill. I don't have that same feeling of closeness that I had with him for so long, I'm really sad about it. It could all just be that we need time to settle into this new life with a baby but right now it's really throwing me off.

The other problem is that I am trying so hard not to think about having to go back to work in a couple of weeks because I know that it will make me so sad. I don't want to leave Ellie, I really want to raise her and see her grow. I don't want to just see her on the weekends and at night when I get home from work. She is so important for me and I truly hate missing the most important part of her life, where she is becoming a person.

I also don't think Heather is adjusting to this as well as I would hope. We really need to sit down with her and talk about what how she wants to be in Ellie's life. I still wish she was truly interested in this life and not just hanging on because she loves Rob. I want our life to be happy and content and I don't think Heather is ever going to fell that way. I think she is always going to wonder if she fits and if things would just be better if she left or I left. I want her to know what she wants and do it. I truly sound like a broken record when it comes to this so I will move on.

Ellie is wonderful and I look at her and love her more then I can possible say, nothing can change that for me. I wish I could have had that last month of pregnancy but 8 months was OK. I can't wait till I am pregnant again, I loved it so much. There where hard parts but the feeling of having a baby inside of you is like nothing else. I also wish the labor had been different, if I get pregnant again I plan on doing things differently. For one I plan on staying natural and maybe even doing a water birth. It's funny labor is hard, scary and painful but I would do it again because it was so neat doing something that only I could do for my baby.

Welp I know I have more to say but I can't think of it know so I will come back when I can.

Idiot

So my mothers Ongologist is a goddam idiot. He told her that everything came back clean on her tyroid tests and that there was no cancer. He then sent her to get some radiation to make sure nothing was left. The radiation people took it on themselves to look at all her lab test and slides from the test and found some intresting results. She does have cancer pretty widespread within her uterus and her Cervix. They said if the doctor had looked at even one of her slides he would have seen it. They also said that if they had done the small amount of radiation that the doctor wanted to have done she would have did in a matter of years.

How fucking retarted can you be, it's your job to look for cancer and you could not even look at one goddam slide! I am so so mad, so mad like steaming mad. When my mom saw him he would not even touch her or give her a physical exam, she said he was very standofish.

I am just so......

Heart

I have missed Rob a lot the last couple of months. It's not like he is away a lot or anything it's just that he has seemed so unlike himself. I miss the man that he was, silly, goofy, antagonistic, playful, happy, and here. The last couple of months have been hard so much has happened and it seems to have taken a lot of the life out of him. I wish there was something we could do to bring that life back. I don't know if he needs to go away for a bit to get some time on his own to refresh himself, or there are just things that need to be settled before life can go on. I think that in some ways he is never going to be the same man, I think to much has happened for him to be able to go back completely to the carefree man he was.

I love him now as I loved him before but I just miss seeing the light in his eyes. I want to hold him and see him get better, but I know it's not going to happen.

I feel tired too, just so worn out. I know some of it has to do with the baby but I know that a lot of emotional stuff is wearing me out too. I don't know if in some ways this is my fault, I had this vision in my head of how it should be when I got pregnant and what is happening now is not it. I thought I would have time to relax and get ready for what is coming, I thought everything would be nice and calm after the initial freak out. Everything is so crazy, I still don't know how Heather truly feels about this and even if I ask her I don't think I will ever get her true inner answer. She is not going to tell her family and I think this will end up being a mistake I know this is her choice but I think it's going to bite us in the butt. So much is going to change in the next few months and I would just like to know how everyone is going to handle it. I know it's not going to be easy but it would be nice to have a general idea that everyone is willing to stick it out with this and not cut and run, and right now I am not sure of that.

I just want to see everyone happy again in my little family, I miss the joy we used to have in our house. I thought this baby would bring more happiness but with everything being so fucked up because of other things it feels like it has just been buried. It feels so empty I just want our heart back.

Of Late

Lately I have not really posted a lot, so much is going on in my life that I don't know how to put into words. I wanted this to be a place that I could express my thoughts and feelings but of late it has just been a hole I look into. I never wanted to keep a blog that was so emo but I am truly sick of keeping this empty just because I don't like what I'm writing. The good and the bad has to be here.

The baby: This baby is everything to me I am clinging to it right now like a life preserver. I have wanted him in my life since I can't remember and now I have him and it seems like everything has gone to shit. My mother once said that there is a curse on my family, that whenever something good happens something equally bad happens to negate it out. This has pretty much held true for my whole life, the one thing that has changed is that in the last couple of years I have looked at it a different way. Maybe it was not a curse after all it was a blessing. Maybe something good happens to me because fate knows that something horrible is coming around the corner and it is trying to help make it not so bad. It can't make my life the happiest but it is trying to not make it the worst ether. Example: My mother had he uterus removed which she has been fighting to have done for years, we are all so happy. Then they find that she has cancer, we are all scared and worried but maybe that was the point. Maybe the reason fate finally let her have this surgery is because it knew about the cancer and wanted to make sure she was safe. So far after all the test and other surgeries that have not found the cancer anywhere else then in the uterus. As scary and bad a time this has been maybe there was a reason.

The thing that is making this so hard for me is that I did not want my baby to be one of those things but sadly I think it's true. I finally get pregnant and I am so happy, then all of these things in our life that have been hovering around just explode. I know some of the exploding has to do with the baby but some of it was all on it's own. Will this baby be something to help me as I watch our relationship crumple around us or will it be a presence to bring us back together. I just did not want this for my baby. I wanted to just enjoy this time, feel this baby inside me and know that I am going to love him so much when he comes out. I did not want him to just be a buffer for the bad things.

Our relationship: I have no idea where the fuck we are going, no clue. So much is out of my control, it's like a train wreak I have to just watch and hope that everyone comes out ok. I truly don't have much to say because really there is nothing I can do. I love Rob will never stop loving Rob but sometimes my love is not enough. I can't help him through this I can just be there. Heather is my friend but we will never be as close as we where I can't be the confidant and companion she needs. They have to make their own beds and lie in them, where they will be and who they will be with in the end if anyone I have no idea.

I just want my life to be simple, but really I'm dumb because nothing with Rob can be simple. Maybe if things had gone differently 8 years ago, maybe if people had realized things about themselves and what they wanted this would be different. But maybe I would not be here I would be somewhere else just as crazy.

I really am just going to have to ride this out and hope that we can work this out or at least separate and all go good ways. I have to live this life no matter what, I have a baby to think about now and I plan on doing my best for him.

Family

So I'm having a baby, so so happy about it!

Heather has decided that she is not going to tell her family about our life style, she is just going to tell them I got pregnant accidentally with a boyfriend that I had just broken up with. I don't like it I don't really think it's going to work but Heather does not feel comfortable enough with our relationship to defend it to her family so she feels like this is the only way it will work.

I have decided that I am not going to try to work up an elaborate story if someone in her family asks me about it I will tell them I really don't want to talk about it and if they press I will say that it really is not any of their business. I will go along with this because it is what Heather wants and it is her family but I truly don't feel like it is the right thing. They will find out someday and I plan to have at least one more child and I don't know how we could really get people to buy that again, and if we did it would make me look like a slut and stupid. We will figure this out I guess, hopefully before the kid is old enough to understand what is going on around it because at that point it's all out the window. I will not lie to my child or make them lie, it does not work and it only hurts them.

Wearing Thin

With everything that is happening with my sister and my mother it’s really making me think about my life. I worry how much time I have and where I am going. I want children desperately and up till now I have been putting off really trying but I think it’s time I start. I don’t know how long I will be able to have children PICOS makes it harder and harder for you to get pregnant the older you get. Plus I want my mother to be around when I have my children, and if this cancer turns out to be bad I don’t know how long she will be here.

I’m scared, really really scared I’m not ready to loss both my mother and twin sister. This has really made me look at myself, I’m going to sit down with Heather and Rob and tell them what I want in my life. We do not have to make all the changes now but I think it’s time that I get it out in the open so we can move in that direction. I want to have equal nights, I want to have this Commitment Ceremony, I want to have children, I want us to all be talking about our relationship every month, I want to let Rob’s family know if not Heathers so that when I have children they can be involved. I would also like to go forward with trying to go to school so that I can have an actual career and be able to make my own hours. So that hopefully when I have children I will be able to stay home with them. I want to be a stay at home mom until my children are going to kindergarten, then I’m happy to go back to work.

I think the things I am asking for are reasonable requests and if they are not then we can work it out I just need to do something. I have really been letting things stagnate and it’s time to actually make some progress. Plus some other things need to be decided as well, it has already been to long and it’s getting to be dangerous.

I’m really hoping that the counselor can help me get things straight in my head, she was very friendly and nice and seemed to be ok with me being in a poly relationship. I want to try and get my sister to go see one as well she could really use the help, things are wearing on her pretty bad.

Ceremony

Sometime in May of next year Rob and I will be having a commitment ceremony. I have wanted to do this for awhile but we have held off until I was divorced and Heather was more comfortable with our relationship. I am divorced as of June; all we need now is to know if Heather is comfortable with what is going on. We had not told Heather right away about our plan for the ceremony, not because we where trying to hide it but because we wanted to get some details nailed down before we brought it up. Sadly she found out about it thru no ones fault and was upset. She was mad that she had to hear about it from a third party instead of from us. This does not help our case, I really want her to be ok with this but I’m not sure if she will be. After she found we sat down and talked about it a bit but Heather just continued to read her fan fiction on her laptop and “ahh” and “hum” from time to time. I don’t think she really thought about it at all, I know this is hard for her but I don’t know what to do. We will sit down again in a month or so and hopeful other things will have been taken care of and we can really get down to talking about our relationship.

I am thinking that it will be outside maybe in the park near our house, it’s really beautiful there. If it’s to cold outside it will most likely be in our apartment, or maybe somewhere else depending how the next few months pan out. We have asked a friend to officiate and he is thinking about it but he wants to make sure he is not stepping on anyone’s toes.

I really want this to happen, I feel like in need this to give me a more stable feeling in our relationship. We are supposed to be a family, Rob is not just dating me I live with them and we are going to be together forever. I want something to link me that way even if it’s just promises made to each other forever remembered by a ring and a day each year to celebrate.

Three

Last week my mom had her uterus removed, she has been having bleeding issues for a long time so this was something she has been trying to have done forever. Today she went and had her staples taken out and to have a general check up and the doctors wanted to talk to her about some of the tests they do automatically when they do this kind of surgery. They found Cancer stage 2. When my mother heals from this surgery they are going to remove her cervix as well. I was so surprised that I did not think to ask my mom more questions, we where on the phone so it was a limited conversation. She does not seem scared about any of this which I think was shat surprised and stunned me so much.

I don’t know how to react, I’m scared and stunned. I want to know more information from my mother, I’m not sure if with removing her uterus and cervix that will make her cancer free or not. I don’t know if she is going to have to go in for some kind of treatments. I don’t know anything.

This comes on top of the fact that the disease that caused my twin sisters kidneys to fail the first time is back. They are going to be doing some treatments with her and they hope that they can flush it out of her system. So far the Kidney I gave her is not failing but if this does not work who knows.

I don’t know how to feel about all this on top of everything else that I am stressing over right now it’s really mind blowing. I feel like nothing is wrong right now, scared of course but that’s it. I worry what this could mean for me and I’m happy that I am going to see my doctor this month so I can talk to her about what is going on and see if there are any tests they can run to see if anything is wrong with me.

Life can never be simple and it’s so true that trouble always comes in three’s. Tonight I just want to grab Rob and have him hold me for a little while, I just want to smell him and touch him basically anchor myself to him for some time.

Shadows

I finally realize that you can’t truly change a person, as much as you would like to think that you will be the one to change them you are WRONG. Even if you don’t actively think you are trying you are somewhere deep inside, more the fool you are then.

I can’t change myself and I hate worrying about other people and hiding from other people. I really want to live a full Poly life, completely. Being able to tell people when I want and to not tell other people when I don’t want. We are in a closed poly relationship no one is allowed in but the three of us but that is mainly because of Heather. If she was not in this relationship that would not be true, I’m half in and half out. I can’t believe I got myself into this, I am such a fool. I love Rob really truly but I’m rasping against our bonds.

I am so happy, but I feel like shadows are on the horizon. We still need to deal with families, babies, and I eventual want more nights. I want to be even with Heather not just two nights a week. I know she needs time and we will be together forever, but in some ways I just want to get it all out of the way so that we don’t have to wait for when things will crumble we can know now.

Nothing major is happening in our lives yet but I suddenly started thinking of these things, hope my mind shuts of soon really really soon.

Before now I really thought things would work out with all of us but I am not so sure now. I loved having Rob with me for all of Rag, I don't want him completly just more evenly it sucks going back to two nights a week. Rob and Heather are shaky more so then I ever though I don't know if they can truely do this togeather. I can't be selfish they need time to build up their bonds again but how stong will they be and what will cause them to come tumbling down again.

I am in a dark mode a lot of this is just noise not real issues, just a way for me to vent. Yuck.

Ragnarok And More

Things are going well with us Ragnarok was amazing. We really got to have a fun week in make believe, I was so sad to come back to real life. It’s like nothing else I have ever been too, people all look like you and have most of the same likes that you do it’s amazing. I can’t really describe it you have to go to truly understand the feelings you get.

We got back on Sunday and have had time to unpack and adjust to normal life so I am back at work again, sadness. Can’t wait for Badon Hill in September.

Rob and Heather are having some trouble connecting a lot of things that they had in common they don’t anymore. I am truly hoping that things get better for them. I asked Rob why he married Heather because in some ways I think he wishes he could be more free with his love; and he said that he loved how her love is so steady, like a rock. She will always love him the same amount steady and strong, she is always there for him. Plus he did not know about Poly and other life options at that time, he also thought that he could be completely faithful to her. I don’t think her is mad at her it’s not her fault people just can’t change to much of their nature, Heather is willing to put up with me (inside I think she still hates me) but anymore and I think she would go screaming into the darkness.

I wonder if Rob should have married her, knowing now his nature was it right for him to put her in a place where she may be unhappy and he may be unhappy. Would it have been better for him to have let go of her love so that they could both live a life they way they wanted. Maybe Heather would have found someone else who could have given her the love and affection she needed as well as the fidelity. Then Rob could have lived his life sharing his love with others more freely and not having to worry that he is hurting someone he cares about because he could be open with all of the loves in his life. I know how he is so for me a full Poly life would be nice I could live more freely as well, but Heather truly can’t.

Their love is strong so maybe they will be ok and Rob will be happy with just me and Heather or maybe someday Heather will feel free enough to tell Rob that he can seek out different loves. I might be wrong in all of this but I just don’t know. I love them together but I don’t know if they will be happy together.

I’m ok, my life is pretty set work, dag, home, friends, family. Pretty clear cut and to the point, not a lot of surprises. I like it it’s nice to live knowing what is going to happen from day to day most of the time. But I also want to try new things, maybe date a nice girl. I have this friend her name is Bliss she is very pretty and smart I like her a lot and I wish that her and I could get closer. I want to ask her out, she likes girls but right now she is with her boyfriend and is happy that way. She does not know how he would feel about her dating a girl, he is not really Poly even though she would be ok with that life style. Maybe I can find someone else is would be nice to date a girl.

Page In A Book

A new page in my life is about to start. Any day I will get a letter finally saying that I am divorced, in many ways that truly makes me happy. I am sad about what happened between Dave and I and sometimes I wish that there could have been some way to fix it but I know there was not. I could have stayed with him and tried to work our relationship out but I know eventually I would not been able to handle it anymore. There where things I needed from him that he could not have given me, I am very affectionate and emotional, I need someone who can be that way with me but he was not that person. It’s not even his fault you can’t change who you are, he is just not very affectionate he tried he really did. I know in the end this was the right thing but I still feel bad and sometimes I truly miss him. I hope that someday he can find a girl like me with the happiness that he loved but who can be happy without displays of outward affection.

Sometimes I get down on my self I say I will never cheat again I have no reason to, but then I look back at all I have done and say if I have done it once who is to say I will not do it again in a moment of weakness. The thing is that I have grown up a lot since I have done those things and I have learned a lot about my nature. I know what situation are dangerous for me and I know to avoid them, I am stronger then I once was. I also really don’t think I would do anything even if it feel in my lap because I truly am happy and I’m not willing to let myself ruin that.

Trying for a baby is the hardest thing I am dealing with right now. I want so much for it to happen quickly but it's not. I know I need to stop stressing on it, because stress can make it hard to have a baby but I can't seem to get my mind to listen. A couple of weeks ago my friends and I where talking about the whole Mayan disaster that is supposed to happen in 2012 and my one friend joked that the world would end the moment I gave birth. I wanted so badly to kill him, like dead. It's silly but that is a major fear of mine, not the world ending thing so much but the whole not getting to have a child. I can only keep trying and hoping that it works, if not then I will really need to start looking at infertility stuff.

Rob's parents still don't know and I truly don't think they will by the time of his sisters wedding, I know he is trying but I also know how easy it is for him to put it out of his mind. He does not care to much if his family knows it's really me who cares. I want them to be a part of our lives, especial the babies lives once I have them. I don't want to wait until I am pregnant to tell them. But I also have decided that there is really nothing else I can do, if Rob and Heather decide to tell their families then great I will be so happy if not then I will learn to deal. If they are not a part of our lives I will be sorry for my children and for ourselves but it will be OK we have each other and my family who loves us all so very much. Things will be OK.

Life is becoming more normal everyday, more like a real relationship with it's in and outs. I'm happy truly truly happy, things will never be perfect but I think it doesn't matter any more I don't need perfect I need this.

Not Enough

Sometimes I think I drive Rob nuts with how many times I tell him I love him but its because I am trying so hard to get out how I really feel. I keep opening my mouth hoping the right thing will come out but its too big. Love just does not seem enough.

One night I was laying with him and it was like a physical ache inside me I needed so badly to be close to him. I was holding him so tightly to myself and so was he but it still hurt and I think it hurt him too, we could not get close enough. I don't know what it is that draws me so strongly to him I have tried figuring it out but I can't seem to see it. He has all the things that a normal person has, good, bad, in between. Some people would say more bad but I don't think so there is a lot of good in him it's just different.

He makes me laugh and cry, in all the good ways. He makes me feel, sometimes when I don't think I can. Its hard I'm not always happy and I can't see it myself but he does, I need that. He is always sure things will work out, while I always worry deep inside that they will not. He really does, he refuses to plan for things in the negative. I think I long for that in myself, I would love to let go of my fears and just know I am always going to be here with him. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by sex I can't stop wanting it, needing it even thought I know I'm pushing. I see that in him too, I don't always want to be driven so hard by it but I see him struggle as well and it makes me feel better. He looks at me and I honestly want to know what he sees, his eyes look so happy. I look at me and I see me, I can't find what about my face makes him so happy. I tried to think about his face and how it makes me smile and I can't pin point why I just cant.

Lots of people say that they want to have there loved ones baby because they want something that is a little bit of both of them. I want that I do but truly I want more of him, I live with me everyday I don't need more of me. I want to see what he was like when he was growing up, I know that a baby is his own individual self but there will be pieces of Rob in there. I want to see the joy and pride in Robs heart when he see's how much his son will be like him. Smart, funny, full of sass. Nothing can be more important to me then having that baby with Rob there so he can hold him when he is born, see how tiny he is. I never realized how small babies really are, I want to see him holding that tiny baby. I need that and I think Rob understands how much I need that baby. It's scary, so much can happen with children but I am truly willing to take that risk and jump right in.

I don't think I will ever be able to tell Rob how big this feeling I have for him is, or how much it makes me feel whole. I will just continue to live my life seeing myself as a better person because of what he sees and wishing I knew how he was able to find it in me.

Simplicity

Sometimes the idea of simplicity is so appealing. Just to do simple things, to live a simple life seems thrilling. I watch the movies where people go and live in places like Italy or France and I want to be there so badly. To buy all your food fresh, have beautiful flowers every night, and to watch the sunset over the ocean.

Walk among the trees barefoot and just feel the cool grass between your toes. Pet a kitten, smell its fur, fall asleep with it's purring in your ears. I miss that. Hold a baby, know that its yours and that at that moment nothing else matters. Lose yourself in the feel of it's skin, the smell of it's hair, its weight in your arms.

Tasting a man's sweat, the sun slanting in the window as you lose yourself in his grasp. Laying your hand on his chest and feeling the coarse hair beneath your fingers. Kissing his lips and feeling that tingle in your stomach as the kiss lingers just a moment longer. The way you mind blanks out for a moment fuzzing to nothing as he holds you. The moment when you just can't seem to get close enough and you just want to feel like part of him and then you are.

Such simple small things, I cherish the moments I have and long for the ones I have not yet experienced. I need to take more time to look at my life and to see it for what it is and what small things it can give me right now.

Jealousy

So lately my jealousy and anger have been out of control. It seems to always be burning underneath everything that I say or do with Heather. I don't know what is wrong with me but I have never felt this way not the whole time Rob and I had been fooling around or after we got into our relationship. I find that when Heather asks me a question that seems obvious I want to snip at her, I also find my self thinking mean things after I answer. Last week when I came home at one point the door was locked and the light was off, we usually leave the door unlocked and the light on for anyone not home so it makes it easier for them to get in. Once or twice in the past Rob or I have accidental locked the door or left the light off and Heather has come home and been upset about it. When is has happened I run and get the door for her as quickly as I can because I feel bad and I did not mean to. It has dome to be this big thing like if you are the one locked out we don't care about you or something. I never really minded because I understand things happen but that night I felt different. I watched thought the screen on the door window as I tried to unlock both locks and Heather just sat there watching me do it she never made any move to come and get the door. When I go in she said it was because she thought I was home already and she was sorry. I was a little peeved that she did not help but that was it, then I went up to say hi to Rob and he told me she asked him if I was home and he said no. So it left me wondering if Heather left the door locked on purpose to punish me for the times in the past.

Now there is a huge possibility that it really was an accident and I am making a big deal out of nothing but I can't seem to shake it. I wonder if this is just truly my jealousy rearing it's ugly head or if its more. All the things I have read about poly talk about the fact that jealousy always comes from something, it's not it's own separate emotion but more a mix of many others. I don't know if I'm mad because I want more nights and I feel like I can't ask for them because I am greedy or if it's the fact that Rob planed on telling his family about me before his sisters wedding and Heather told him she thinks that he should wait until after. His sisters wedding is in October, it feels to me like she wants to put it off. I know that all of this stuff could really be just may head making it bigger but it's really just driving me nuts.

I never wanted to hide this relationship forever I want it out and real. It feels like it may just drag on forever, I was so happy that Rob was going to tell his family it was the next step but now I don't think it's going to happen.

I don't know what to feel things are so much better but it still seems like somethings have never changed. I want to sit down and seriously talk about where things are going, like talking to families, babies and nights. I also want to find out how everyone is feeling because I don't think it's really all out there and it needs to be. I want to know if Heather can seriously deal with this or if she has just been gritting her teeth to get thought it. I don't want her unhappy I want this to be good, not perfect mind you but good.

Watchmen

So last Friday I got to go see Watchmen, it was amazing. I loved it so much I went a second time, and I would go a third or forth time if I could. It was so true to the comic, and it filled in the spaces in between the frames as well. Here are somethings I loved about the movie.

-I love how DR. Manhattan looks, his eyes are like constant star burst and when the camera moves near him there is this interesting other worldly sound effect that happens.

-The scene with Night Owl and Silk Specter in the owl ship is so sexy. I like that they went there, it was unexpected and amazingly done.

-The actor who played Rorschach was so good, he truly made me feel for him. At the end right before he is disintegrated his emotion is so strong and it really makes you understand why he was doing what he was doing.

-The fighting was so well done it truly gave action to the comic. I like how the movie was great for people who had read the comic and for people who had not.

-The Scene at the end with Ozymandias after everything has happened and Night Owl and Silk Specter are leaving, he looks like a little kid waiting for someone to tell him that he has done the right thing it's so cool.

-The music. Bitching! Some people whinnied that they should have used new music, I think that's stupid the movie takes place in the 80's we have perfect music just waiting to be used and it was well done I must say.

So that is just some of the reasons I love the movie.

Steps

So I can't stop thinking about babies again, dreaming about them, seeing pregnant women and wishing I was one of them. Sometimes I don't know why I have such an overwhelming urge to to be pregnant and have a baby. I know that some of it has to do with the fact that I am a women and thus I have all of those hormones that go along with it. My body wants to carry a baby because that is what It's supposed to do. I want a baby though because I think I would be a good mother and I want so badly to have a baby with the person I am with.

God it kills me how much I want to fell a baby growing inside of me, I was so envious of my sister when she was pregnant. I want so bad to place my hand on my belly and feel a baby kick, to have Rob rest his head there and hear the baby's heartbeat. To hold that baby when she or he comes out and touch and smell she of he. I can never stop thinking about them I just want so badly to talk this out and finally decide that yes we are trying for a baby. I have this medicine that my doctor gave me that will make my period regular and thus will make me more fertile, but I have not started to take it yet because I don't think its time. I think the families need to know about our relationship I think it would be wrong for me to become pregnant and then lay it all on them. Rob said that he is going to tell his family, he wants to talk to his sister first and he hopes that she will help him tell his mother. Heather still has no idea when she is going to tell her family.

This fells like it is almost right, like we are almost there.

Jewlery

Lately I have been thinking a lot about jewelry. I have never once gotten a piece of jewelry form a man that I did not know about. I have always eather picked it out or have been there when it was gotten. I want to know what it feels like to get something that I will wear forever that I did not pick out.

I have always liked the idea of a locket, a nice little locket. Something that I can put a picture in and wear around my neck. For me it feels like something I could hand down to my children when they get older.

It's silly and I know it a girl wanting jewelry but sometimes I just want to be a girl.