Party

This week I went to my first Wine and Old Movies party and I had an amazing time. I was a little nervous because all the other people at the party I had never meet before except for the hosts. I ended up really liking all the people came, it was also nice to talk to some other poly people and see how things work for them. I really just hoped that I was not my normal over talky self and that they liked me. I loved getting to try some wines since I really don’t drink that much, at most once or twice a year.

I honestly don’t find alcohol that great most of the time it tastes crapy and does not really do much for me. When I do drink enough to get drunk I generally feel sick and am not that happy, the last time that happened is when I turned 20 I have never done that again. Rob and Heather came and picked me up not because I felt overly drunk more because of the mix of being sleepy and tipsy I did not want to take the chance. I ended up having a fight/discussion with Rob because of some misunderstandings between the both of us. I never realized how against drinking he is, he does not want to be like Dave in the sense that he tells what I can and can not do but he is not happy about me drinking. In the past he has had some bad experiences with drinking so he is very leery of anyone else doing it around him. We talked about it and came to an understanding, I can drink it’s my choice if I do but he can’t promise that he is going to be happy about it. I probably will not change my habits to much since I rarely drink anyways but I will take his feeling more in to consideration when we talk before I go.

I loved the party it was a real chance for me to meet new people and do something a little out of my norm, I hope I have the option to do something like this again.

Computer

So I really hate that I have no computer at home anymore, I understand that we don’t have any money to buy one at this time but it really sucks. For me the reason that it’s so important is that without it I have lost another bit of my freedom, before all I had to do was turn on my laptop and I could use it anywhere and anytime I want. Now I have to always worry if Heather is going to want to use the computer and I have to go downstairs away from everyone else. I am just frustrated that another piece of my freedom is gone, it’s no one’s fault but right now I feel like I have to fight for every bit of privacy and freedom I have in this house. I know that Rob and Heather have to feel the same way about something’s so I really do hope they understand my sometimes complaining about not having a computer.

I love my family but until we move to a place of our own I think I am going to be a little crazy about my stuff here.

Post Valentines

So tired I drove all over the place yesterday, no rest for the Chandra. I was nice because I got to talk to both my sister and my mother which I never seem to have time to. Rob also was really nice and took my sister and I to lunch and then my mom, sister and I to dinner later. I really wanted him to have a change to get to know my mother and he seemed like he liked her well enough, she even teased him a little it was very cute.

On the way to drive my mother home which is about and hour and a half drive we got to really talk about what is going on in our lives and how we feel about it. I have always been close to my mother; she has always made it clear that I could tell her anything which has really made me happy not having to hide my life. When Dave was unemployed and I was living with my parents one of the thing I really loved was coming home to my mother at night at talking about my day at work and hearing about her day at home. As much as I love living away from her I really miss those talks we had, I think she does too. She made me feel really good about my relationship with Rob, she is so understanding of the fact that I love him and that we really want to be together. She asked some questions on how the whole thing was working and how I though Heather was dealing with it. I realized as I was talking to her I have not really talked to Heather in a long time and I really needed to find sometime to do that.

The night before last I went out with my friend Autumn and it was just wonderful. Every time I go out with her I have an amazing time, I just love talking to her we have so much in common. I really needed that time to because I was feeling a little stressed since Heather came home I needed some time to vent and just think about something else. After we went to this wonderful sushi place that was classy but not overly we came back to her house and I just sat and talked to her and her husband Eric for an hour it was so great. They are great people to be around because they really have stuff to say it’s nice to talk about something other then what I normally talk about. I love talking to Rob, Heather, my sister and the rest of my family but it’s nice to do something different once and awhile.

Feeling wise I am doing ok, I really miss the calm freedom of last week but I am getting back into the swing of things. I really feel bad for being so whinny about something I accepted because I did, I said I would be ok with sharing but my head does not always listen to me. I just got so much attention last week that now I want it all the time, I also realize with Heather home that Rob is very affectionate with her but they are not as crazy as he and I are. This is not a bad thing mind you, it just makes me start to wonder if maybe I am to affectionate, because Rob is constant with his love only the girl he is around changes. I just love being around a person, holding and touching and just talking. We seemed happy so I guess it was not bad, I hate second guessing myself so I’m going to stop thinking about it.

Not Emo

I want to say that I write in this blog all the time no matter what my mood is but I honestly would be lying. I mainly write in this when I have something on my mind usually it’s when I am sad or mad, or just need to let things out.

So here goes, I’m happy really deep down happy. It has been so long since I have truly been this happy with things, sometimes I fell shell shocked as if I don’t know how this is supposed to feel. I find my self more inclined to be sad not because I don’t like being happy but I think just because I am so used to feeling sad.

Rob told me the other day that I act like an animal that has not gotten love or petting in a long time. I get so surprised when Rob will stroke my hand or kiss my head, with Dave he was just so cold sometimes, I really don’t think he meant to be it was just not something he did, especially in front of other people.

I am bringing this all up because yesterday Heather came home from her trip to visit her family and I was dreading it. I really like Heather otherwise I would not be in the situation I am in but after having such an amazing week with Rob I was not looking forward to things going back to the way they where. When Heather is around I feel like I play second place, most often it’s because I put myself in that place. I worry so much about making her fell left out or under loved that I purposely step back to give her that place. Being with Rob alone was so different, I felt like the atmosphere in the house was lighter. I was so loving and happy with Rob and I felt like I could say anything I wanted to him and not worry that Heather would be sad. Also when Heather is around her need to make sure everything in the house is always perfect at all times can be overwhelming. One of the things I really like about her is her ability to be so detailed and organized but sometimes I would love for her to just let it go for a little bit. I just feel like the way Rob and I act when she is around is so different, I don’t know what it is but it drives me nuts just a little bit.

Again I sort of got off subject I am writing this post about being happy it’s just taking me a minute to get there. So last night Rob came and tucked me into be, after 7 nights of sleeping with him I could not help but find myself tearing up as he hugged me. Rob asked me to please not cry and I promised that I would not, even though in my head I was thinking how can I not. So after he left I laid there for a bit and just tried to think how I was going to deal with all of this, because I was going to have to find someway or I was going to drive myself crazy. Then I just knew, it was such a little thing but I knew it would work. I had to realize that things where not always going to be perfect, that I was not going to be happy all of the time it was just not going to happen. Suddenly I was so much happier, I was still sad that I was going to have to sleep alone but I felt better knowing that it was ok for me to feel that way.

I am happy, I feel closer to Rob having gotten the change to experience life with him as just a couple and I also realized how happy I was that Heather was home. I missed her and I wanted her back in my life, as much as I sometimes have a hard time understanding why she does things I still like her and want her around. I loved getting some freedom with Rob I really did, I really needed to feel the closeness I was worried that we where lacking. Well I think I am done ranting for a little bit, the next post will probably be depressing and Emo but at least right now I’m happy.

Can’t Be Close Enough

I am so happy; things have not been this good in a very long time I really feel like my choice was a good one.

Heather is away for the week visiting her parents so Rob and I are on our own and it's really giving us a chance to connect again. With all the crap that has been going on in our lives we really just needed a moment to breath. I only wish that I could give Rob and Heather a week together alone so they can connect again too, maybe I will try and arrange something.

The last couple of nights we have just spent our evenings together watching TV and doing other household activities. Then we go to bed and just snuggle together, it feels so nice having someone in bed with me again knowing that they will be there all night to touch and hold if I want to.

When I am with him I just can't be close enough I just want to pull him into my skin and hold him there forever. The sense of love I feel for him is just growing so large that it's hard to hold sometimes. God I feel so sappy and silly but I really do feel this way and I would not give it up for anything. I just hope that this is going to be able to hold up to all the crap that is going to be happening in the next couple of months, I need it to.