Saturday, December 15, 2007

Holiday Season

So things are going along ok, I've moved upstairs into Heathers parents room and the house is finally empty of all but the three of us.

Yesterday my mother told me something that made me very sad, I had called her to say hello and I was telling her about Rob and Heather going to his works Christmas dinner and that's when she said it. She told me that she really liked Heather and Rob but she was still holding out hope that someone would come along and take me away from all of that. She wanted for me to find someone who could love me without having to worry about sharing and keeping secrets from others. The biggest thing she wanted was for me to be able to have babies without having to hide who they belonged to mainly having to raise on my own. This hurt because I always thought she was so behind me in all of this only wanting for me to be happy, but once I though about it for a bit I realized her point of view. She really just wants me to be happy, and she hears a lot about the hard stuff I have to deal with in this relationship, she hears about the good stuff too but she worries more about the bad. I think the worst part is that I have thought these things myself sometimes. Sometimes I am so tired of hiding who we are, I never really thought in the beginning how much I was really going to have to hide in this life. Then just thinking about how I am going to have to raise my child kills me to, as much as I would love to give my child Rob's last name there is no way I can. I don't think we are ever going to tell Heather's parents about what is going on so if I suddenly had a baby and gave him Rob's last name that would be a pretty clear sigh. As much as I know that she only wants the best for me, it still hurt me.

I think I will post more on this post a little later in the month.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Sex, the dark and moving day.

So things are coming up pretty fast and I am surprised how nervous I am. Heather's parents are leaving on the 2nd of December and when they do I am going to be moving into their bed room. Which is good in a lot of ways it will get me off the couch and out of the scary basement. For the last couple of nights I have had a very hard time sleeping, it's very very dark when the lights are out and sadly I am very scared of the dark. My imagination is good I can very easily picture all the dark and scary things in the basement waiting to get me. Most nights I can block it out make my mind think sanely but from time to time no amount of me telling myself nothing is there will do it, like now. So coming up stairs will really help that.

Of course the next nice thing will be that it will be time to talk about sleep arrangements and really start to get things going with this relationship. Of course what comes with a two people sleeping together who are not relatives, snuggles, spooning, sleeping and oh of course sex. The big sex word and the big talk that is going to go along with it. I am going to the doctor in a few days to get blood work done which should help settle things then we should have a yellow light. We are still going to have to do a tiny bit more for the green but I am hoping that it will go as smoothly as it can considering. I want more then anything for this not to hurt anyone but I know this is not going to be clean and nice we are going to have to get over some major hurdles but I know we can do it I know we can.

Time is quickly marching along soon I think I can have this Divorce done and then I am free to truly just be. We will still have to work with everyones families which is going to be a little weird. Mine is easy they know and even thought they were a little confused at first they really just want me to be happy, the only funny thing I got was my dads comment "Why does he get to have his cake and eat it to...... WITH my daughter." It was great.

Then we will have to tell his family, I think it will be a shock to them but I am hoping from what he said that it will be ok eventually. As for her I don't know I don't think her family will ever understand, maybe one or two members but on the whole I fear bad bad things. I don't know if we are ever going to tell them I don't want her to lose her family she really loves them so much, she needs them in her life. Ah the choices that must be made in ones life, hard and not always as clearcut as we would like them to be.

For right now I am just going to be happy that moving day is coming up and that I will finally get to sleep in a real bed hopefully with a warm happy body next to me, not every night mind you but one or two right now is very much fine with me.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Music

Music for me holds something I can only begin to understand. When I hear great music it always tends to bring out strong emotions in me. During movie moments or just when I sit and listen in my car and let my mind wonder to all the things that are going on in my life. It can make me happy and in just a moments time I can find my self drawn to tears.

Sometimes all I want to do is spend my day sitting in a comfortable chair with a great book and music playing in the background. I remember days, I mean whole days as a young teen just curled up reading and listening to my mothers Madonna tape, and my dad’s Beetles, Yes, The Who and any number of other 70’s and 80’s bands.

My life is full of music I sing to it all day long if I am not singing I am humming the last thing I heard or remember. I have I would say at least 50 songs memorized in my brain if not more, and hundreds more that I can remember by hearing. Sometimes I wish that I could do something with my voice like take lessons or sing in a choir. Oh to sing in a choir again would be heaven, when you are in a truly good group it really is like heaven. I used to take lessons at school but nothing truly professional, I don’t want to boost but I think I am pretty good but I think I could be great if I had lessons.

I could go on and on forever on this subject, it interests me to no end especially because of the feelings it gives me. My heart bursts with the power of it, nothing else that is so sensory can move me so strongly. For now I am going to leave it where it is, I need to rest and try to put more of this is to view for myself.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Days

So days are pretty relaxed now, not what I expected but relaxed. I go to work and train yippee, then I come home jump into my PJ's and read or watch TV. Some days we do chores, or fun group activities like watch a movie together, make outfits for Dag, or just sit and chit chat while Heather makes dinner. It's all very relaxed actually I enjoy the whole just being with one another, I am trying very hard to try to not be so needy.

I am good at keeping myself busy but when I am with someone in a relationship that is I tend to be very lovey, not clingy really just lovey. I need to learn to back of a little and let us all settle into each other but I find it takes me sometime to do that, since in general I tend to be a very touchy person.

What I wanted most at this point was to be in a different place, I wanted to really be living out my new relationship in complete freedom but we have had to put that on hold. Heather's parents where supposed to have gone to Florida by now so that we could start to see if we can really all live with each other in every way but they have not left yet, and it is looking more and more like they will not be leaving at all! I don't want to go thru the whole winter like this and then move in with them in the spring and find out that this is not going to work. This was supposed to be the test period the time we used to see if we could handle all of this but now it's looking like this is going to be a sink or swim situation and I really don't like that. Parts of this are going really great and I mean that really great but other parts have not even been addressed and until they leave I do not think that it is going to happen. Yuck!

The Holidays are coming and I am really excited about that the first year I get to spend here. I am going to really miss my family thought they are all very sad that I can not come to the holiday's. I am trying to work out a way that I can still see them all even if it is not on the actual holiday. I am a little sad about that because it is going to be another one of those holiday's where I will be all by myself where everyone else has someone, I have someone but they can't really come with me to hard to explain to my grandparents. My parents know everything and are very cool and loving which is nice but I think my grandparents would just die. Oh well I hope I can figure something out I really do want to see them, and still spend this holiday with my new family too. Yuck again!

Well I am off to watch some Heroes which I got for my birthday so BYE!!!

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Birthday

So today is my birthday and it was really great, I hung out with some of my friends and my loves and they made me feel so happy. Heather got me a normal ice cream cake and a pumpkin pie ice cream cake, it was amazing it tasted just like pumpkin pie it was heavenly. I also got some very nice gifts from everyone I was so surprised by how nice they all where, it was the best birthday I have had for a while.

Now to the dumbness, when the night started to move on I started to think about how badly I wanted to go to bed with my love but of course I could not. I just started to get sad I was trying really hard not to it was such a nice day but I was failing pretty bad. There are good reasons I can't be with the one I love but it does not mean that I don't want it, I really just want to stop winning about it. So after everyone went to bed I found my self sobbing uncontrollably which ether makes me feel a whole lot better or a whole lot worse. This time I just felt kind of quite almost accepting, I also felt like writing. All this trying on my part to stop getting so upset about this stuff, trying to look at the good and what I do have it's just not enough. Sometimes I just have to cry it's the only way I can truly let myself feel sometimes and I need to let myself, I used to hold it all in then like once a month my sister and I would argue for like an hour. We would cry and ramble and yell at one another but by the end we would just feel so much happier and like we had gotten every thing out and fixed.

As much as I hate crying especially sobbing I see the point in it, and all in all this day was an amazing day. SOOO I am going to let things go, take a breath and go to bed, things will be brighter in the morning I know it and I will have nice dreams about the day I had.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Baby Bug


So the baby bug has bitten me pretty bad lately, I dream about them, I see them everywhere, and I can't stop thinking about them. For right now I am just going to post how I feel, I will post facts later in this message.

I long for a baby, seriously so. I ache, every time a see a father playing with his son or a mother holding her baby it makes me tear up. I mean every time, I can't be walking by with out trying to rush so they don't see the creepy longing look I have. When I hold my sisters baby I just glory in the scent of her, the sweet feel of her skin, the amazing noises she makes. The worst part is that I almost feel like she is partly mine since my sister and I are identical twins which makes our DNA the same. My heart skips a beat when I see her smile and I think of the days I will get to spend with her as she grows up *sniffle*. Griffin is another hardship for me, he is such an amazing little boy I love when he brings me a book and sits in my lap so I can read it to him. I just play with his cute toddler hair and read to him as I remember him as a baby. I used to hold him and sing to him when he was so tiny, I remember when he feel asleep on my chest and I wanted to lay like that forever.

So many years have gone by for me and I have longed for a child for so long. I told my husband that we would wait 2 years after getting married then we would start trying for a child, we got married in 2003. 2005 came and went no trying for a baby my husband had no job and we where living with my parents, 2006 no baby still no job and living with parents. My husband promised that when he got a job or an apartment we would start to try, got a job and an apartment still no baby. He told me he wanted to wait for a little longer,2007 then the big D and all thoughts of baby flew out the window. I will say one of my big sticking points for maybe staying was the possibility of a baby, but in the end that was not enough to make me stay.

I yearn for a baby so much I dream of them constantly, mainly its me searching for a baby I know is mine but can't find it's really hard to deal with the damn dreams. I have wanted children since I was 18 and I have thought about them on and off all along so many different paths could have led me to them but I have always chosen a different one.

Now for annoying reality, I know I have lots of time I am only just going to be 26 so I have time to spare. My life is really not set up for a baby right now, I have no real home, I am still not divorced and most important of all the new relationship that I am in is really not equipped to deal with it right now. Really I need the time to settle in an really make sure everything is ok before I move forward.

BUUUUUUUUT try and tell my brain and heart that, you will have about as much luck as I do. All I can think is that its probably going to be a least another 2 years before I can even think of starting to try and I will be 28 then the trying. It is not going to be easy for me to have kids I know already, I have weird cycles and my twin sister was the same as me her husband and her tried for three years and just had a baby. So lets say three years of trying now I'm 31, then I want two kids so if we start right away say another three years now I'm 34. I know I have to wait but thinking of all that time kills me, a little piece of me dies when I see friends and family get pregnant and I am still just staring after them longly.

I really don't know what to say I hope this bug leaves me soon because I really don't think I can handle all this sucky wanting, I have to deal with it and honestly sometimes I don't want to.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Poem 4

Hands linger on my abdomen
My skin is warm and soft
I wait hoping to feel something
I know it's silly but I try anyways
My heart yearns for this
So much is building here
I spread my fingers
I wonder is it already fuller
I close my eyes and dream of laughter
I rest my hand more firmly and feel
I tug on my lip and slip my palm away
It's done I let the vision shatter
I hold on to a hope I had
I lost it, I did


I had a dream last night and I could not remember what it was about I know I was looking for someone but I did not know who. I finally remembered a little bit ago, I was looking for my son Gaberiel, I don't have a son but in my dream I did. I could hear him crying but I could not find where he was, I could not understand how I could have lot him I was so mad at my self. My friend was helping me look for him but I still could not find him. I started to cry because I could not hear the crying anymore and I knew it was my fault that he was gone I had done something wrong. I woke up then but it all seemed to fade away but when I was trying to think of what to write most of it came back to me. I think there may have been more but I can't see it so I will try to remember when I go to bed but I don't know.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Girl on Girl Action


Today is the day of coming out, telling your friends and family who you really are. Most of my family knows I like both men and women and happily it has never really been a big issue for them but I know other people out there have not had as much luck. Today I though of a the few wonderful women I have been with and lusted after and gloried in it, if I had the chance I would have spent the day in bed with a beautiful women. Oh well to busy working but I plan on having a little girl on girl action soon I have been just aching to kiss the soft sweet lips of a wonderful hot female.

I have been having some fairly vivid dreams about one women in particularly which have been causing me some frustrating mornings. Sadly I have not gotten to have as much experience with women in my life, I have really only ever been with two women. Not that I have not wanted to it's just been hard finding someone I like who is interested in women and then interested in me as well. Things might change I hope but who knows for today I am just going to be happy with what I have and let my dreams take me to where I can't.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

SLEEEEEEPPPPPP!

So tired want to sleep so badly, I have to get up for work tomorrow and I can not sleep. I love my sister but it is so hard to sleep at her place, everyone is moving around so much and the couch is small and hard to sleep on. I feel bad thought since she is giving me a place to stay and she loves me it just sucks trying to get some rest.




When I stay at Rob and Heathers their couch is so comfy and soft. The room is nice and cold so I can wrap myself in a sheet and blanket and be nice and happy. It's quite and dark, and everything smells so nice and clean I love it so much. Right now all I want is to lay my head down and rest god back to trying to get some sleep wish me luck.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Thank you's


So my posts have been somewhat bumtastic lately part of that has to do with the fact that I usually have a journal that I write stuff that I am feeling down in but it is stored away. So this has sort of become my journal for right now, that is why things tend to be on the down side. A lot of the emotions I have are fleeting but I write them down so I have a chance to look and them and try to work thru them so I can be happier and healthier.

I have a lot of good going on in my life but sadly most of it I can't really talk about right yet so I usually can only post the bad because it is safer. I am coming to the conclusion thought that it might be OK know for me to just post everything because at this point I don't know how much it really matters any more. I will have to talk to some people but i think soon I will be able to just say what I want here which will be so nice since I am very sick of having to watch what I say all the time.

Some of what I can say is that I have a lot of really good people in my life right now and I really want to thank them and give them a little idea of how much they mean to me.

Autumn you have been AMAZING!! Really without you to just say pretty much anything I want to say, I think I would have gone mad a long time ago, when I could no longer go to gaming and my life was to crazy to hang out I was so sad. Love of friends is something I really needed and you where there to give it to me and you also had some really great advice for me at some crappy points in my life. Also knowing that I can be there for you as well even if it is only in a very small way helps me feel like I am not a complete disaster as a friend.

Eric I have found a strange amount of comfort in your company. Your intelligence is refreshing sometimes it is just so nice to talk to someone about things that are going on in the world. Your calm understanding of the time I spend with your wife is so nice and talking to you and her is a great joy for me. Also your willingness to change the day you guys gamed so that I might game again was something else I really needed.

Griffin thanks for just being you! Your sweet joy and happy smile really makes my day and helps me curb my annoying need for a child of my own.

Sara I don't think I have to go on to much you know how I feel about you but I will anyways. You have always been there for me thru everything, even when things where hard between us for one reason or another you have given me your heart. You will always be my first and last love and no one and I mean that no one can take your place for me. The easy understanding we have with each other, the comfort I find when I can just crawl in bed with you and snuggle, and the ability to just cry at the drop of a hat and have you hug me and tell me it's OK and I know it is. Last but so not least the amazing baby that you have given to all of us that has made my life so much brighter, I know sometimes it can be hard but the happiness I see in you when you hold her is something I carry with me all day.

Mina...... You are just so much to me, the dreams I have of being your aunt are so real and so happy that I can't wait to live them. I am so happy you came into our lives and I will treasure every single moment I have with you.

Heather this is the hardest one for me so much has happened between you and I sadly some of it really bad. I just want to say thank you for giving me another chance and for being a friend to me when you really did not have to be. Your kind heart, quick funny mind, and sometimes sarcastic wit has really grown on me. Most of all I want you to know I am really happy you are my friend and that you where willing to be mine.

Mattlock for just being my friend and accepting that friends can be strange people and not condemning them for it.

Rob your friendship has been so important and surprising for me considering that in the beginning I really did not like you very much. You have been there when I really needed someone to just hold me and tell me that I really am an adult. Seeing you treat your wife with so much love and affection gives me hope that all relationships can be that way. Playing video games with you, watching Naruto, talking about books, watching stupid TV shows, putting up with me and your wife watching anime together, sharing a love of cats, learning to play cards with you even thought it drives me nuts, and knowing that you will be there for me no matter what is more then I could ever wish for.

Finally my parents thanks for helping me when I was down and out, and most of all thanks for understanding my craziness and being true parents who love me no matter what and just want me to be happy.

That's about it, I know I have already done something like this but I feel that it was important for me to put this down. Thanks again to everyone.

Sorry I forgot one, Gabriel I never really got to know you but thanks for the small hope that you gave me even if it was fleeting, you where there at a time of my life that I needed you hopefully you will be again.

That's really it this time.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Waiting

I am very tired and I would like nothing more then to go to bed and get some sleep but I really have to write this down right now. I am feeling a lot of things right now, it's so hard for everything to be this way so much is just spinning in my head. The waiting is killing me, slowly and surely I am getting eaten alive. I am putting myself out completely, but it's the only way I can be maybe I should of held back but I just can't be that way. What is making this so hard is that there is no plan for me if this goes bad I am out on my butt, and you know a lot of that is my own making.

I have to wait, test the waters and see if the boat will float and if it does it will be the best thing in the world, the absolute best. But if the boat sinks I have no life boat, I have to swim to shore I will but it's going to be by my own ability with no one's help or support.

I just want a choice made now, no more waiting knowing that any day, everyday it could be over. I don't want to be a snot but I have the most to lose, I will lose everything. I will have myself and that's fine but I might as well move at that point because I can't stay here I will really have no one. I want to be strong and say that I could handle this that I am a grown up and thus I will be able to go on but I will be so broken so very broken and that thought just makes me cry siting here typing.

I am taking one day at a time this is just a weak moment for me and sadly I have no one to turn to at this particular time to help me so this blog has to be it. I love my life I love the people in it everyone so so much but I needed to get this out. Please I am going to go on and step into the new day stronger and happier thinking of all the good right now in my life and holding to that so don't let this give you the wrong idea.

I'm going to go to bed now probably cry for a little bit, but tomorrow I will wake up and think nothing of this and be the better for it.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Worried

I don't know what is causing it but I feel very worried and scared, like something bad is around the corner and I can't see what it is. I feel a pressing against my chest and my heart is beating so fast, it's an unknown terror that is griping me.

I am trying to calm myself down and tell myself that I am just worrying needlessly but the emotional side of me is just not hearing any of it. I can't explain how worried I really feel, so very worried that my skin is clammy and I can't sleep.

Why do I feel like this; there is nothing major that I know of coming along, it just came on me tonight and I can almost feel it bearing down on me like a building storm clouds. I hope nothing comes of this; I really do, I am going to try to go to sleep and maybe this will go away in the night.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

A Moment


So this is just a rant so don't take it too seriously, this goes for me as well. So I feel left out it's dumb I know but I still do. I don't get sex, I don't get sleep, and I don’t get to go places. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I have to work and that my schedule sucks so I don't get to go places a lot. The sex well that is pretty self explanatory and the sleep well that's just because I have no real place yet but so that will change.

So I went bike riding on Thursday it was really nice I had such a good time but I felt sad in some way’s I really wanted to go with someone. I stopped at a grave yard near my friend’s house on my way back with my bike and it was so peaceful walking among the grave stones. There where some really old ones there that you could barely read the writing on them. I loved it, I know it's a little creepy but I have always wanted to have a Picnic at a grave yard it's so peaceful and calm. I guess I was just looking at the stones and I just wished I could have been doing it with some one else. Silly I know I have to start getting used to being alone at times, I used to be really good at it but now it's like I don't know what to do.

I am happy with myself I like who I am and the things that I like I need to start looking inwards and finding ways of spending my time on my own. I think I am going to ride my bike more often and maybe take some walks too, I have also stopped reading books pretty much it's time for me to get back on that wagon. See this is me looking at the bright side and seeing what is good in my life, it's funny that silly little list has really helped me.

Oh I had a nice dream last night it really made me so happy. I dreamt it was my birthday and I was working when all of a sudden one of my co-workers came in with some purple roses and a stuffed Lama, she said they where for me. I got all excited and started to leave work when my boyfriend (could not see his face sadly) showed up and whisked me away in his car. He took me to dinner and then we went to the park and sat on a blanket and looked at the stars because it was night by then. I woke up as we started to walk back to the car it was just so romantic and it made me so happy.

All in all I am doing ok other then my earlier rant, I'm happy and I am taking everyday as it's comes.

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

So I just found this song again today when I was looking for lyrics of another song and it hit me how much it fits with my life right now. I love it so much, it's so short but it holds so much of how I feel and hope that it really resonates with me. I'm happy I stumbled upon it.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Steps


I feel like I am starting to take steps in the right direction and it's really giving me a true sense of hope.

Today I gave my cats to my brother, this very much makes me sad but I know that he will love them and make sure they are taken care of. I knew after I told Dave I was leaving that he would not keep them but I was always hoping he would so they could be with one of their parents. I wish so much that I could take them but I can't because I am moving in with a friend who is very allergic to them. I have to be willing to give up something I truly love in this sense so that I can have something great.

I know I am doing better that my emotions are starting to settle and that makes me sooooo happy I hate being all emotional. I do wish parts of my life where easier mainly because I am just so tired and want things to be smother but hard just seems to be the way life is.

My biggest issue right now is really just loneliness at night, I need something to sleep with anything to just hold. I once saw a big pillow shaped like a kitty and I wanted it so bad but I did not get it, I truly wish that I had it would be so nice to just snuggle up with that at night. It's getting so hard for me to sleep at night, at my sisters house I sleep like 4 to 5 hours then when her husband goes to work I crawl into bed with her and sleep for another hour maybe. At my friends I sleep a little better but I still wake up at night sometimes and have to read something or play one of my video games because I just can't sleep, plus it's a little scary sometimes. I don't like to whine because it's a stupid fear but I'm afraid of the dark and here I am sleeping in a basement which can get pretty dark and scary. It's childish but when I have a stuffed animal I tend to feel safer, they seem to just give you a sense of not being alone.

Oh well maybe I can find one at some point but I have more important things to spend my money on then a stuffed cat that I can snuggle with because I am a big sissy.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Jealousy

This is a topic I never wanted to talk about, mainly because it sucks and I try so hard for it to not to run my life. I usually don't have strong feelings of jealousy I'm able to think thru them and move on, there is always a feeling behind jealousy you just have to find it and deal with it.

When it comes to the men I date I am good with them being with other women because I know that they still love me and that I still will get sex from them too. Yesterday for the first time in a very long time I had a strong pang of jealousy and it keeps wanting to nag at me. I was never jealous of these people never I could look at them and not care it was only right after all that they act this way but yesterday something was said that just made a pain shot thru me. Afterwards I tried to sit down and think about it calmly and I know why it bothered me, because I am no longer getting the same in return.

The feelings involved are sadness, anger, and the strongest emotion is the feeling of being left out. Know that I know what is driving this maybe I can work on it; I really hope I can because right now every time I think of it another pain ripples around in my head. I am stronger then this and I can work thru it. Until then I am going to try to stick to my list and think of the good things in my life and take a deep breath.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

List

So here is what I need to do.

1. Relax
2. Stop pushing
3. Take one day at a time
4. Actually open my mouth
5. Give up a little for a lot
6. Look at the good
7. Make some of my own way
8. Work at work
9. Breath
10. Give it time

Empty


I feel empty for some reason, I have a lot of reasons it could be but I really don't know which reason it could be. I'm trying really hard to not be down I don't like being down I like being happy and full of energy. But I feel like I have lost something in that sense like some amount of my life is being sucked out of me.

I have to give up something I really enjoy and I don't want to, I feel like there is no point because I am never going to get it back. I think the rule will always be in place because things will never be good enough for it to go away. I know that there is a point to this and that I am letting my sadness get the better of me but right now I really can't find it in me to care.

I'm really sick of crying I feel like that's all I do some times, my emotions are so up and down right now. I wonder if I need to talk to someone who can help me but I really don't have the money to pay for something like that. I can't help but think I am going to do this and then it will not make a difference I will still lose in the end.

I hate this so much I am not this person I just want to be myself again, I don't want to lose everything including myself.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Grow up

It's time for me to grow up and stop whining. My life is not that bad, I have a place to stay people who care about me, a good job and a great family.

I need to let people help me, letting them in is not going to get me hurt It will only help make my life even better. I need to learn to trust I have to let the fears of being yelled at go away, lying is no longer a part of my life I'm going to be honest and up front. I am going to make this work, I want this, I have been dreaming of this my whole life.

Time for Chandra Rae Blair to grow up and be a part of something.

Scream

I'm so tired I really just don't want to deal with this stuff anymore. I love the life I have chosen but I just want it to be alright right now, this very moment. I am sick of being sad, angry, lonely, and sorry because I am all of those things and it feels like it's killing me sometimes. It's tearing me up making me wonder what is really right, I'm so happy at times so very happy but at others I fell like I could just cry forever.

I hate this emo crap, I'm not like this I'm strong, nice, happy I don't get this sad, so very sad that I.... god what the fuck am I saying. I don't want to be here, I don't want to hide every move I make every emotion, I want to scream, rip and just ball my eyeballs out. Why can't this be easy why can't I just take the easy road why does it always have to be the hard way Chandra, are you just dumb? Who is this person, I'm so not her but I feel like this and I can't seem to stop it.

I am so gloriously happy with the my heart just out there I just don't want it to be snatched away told to get over it find something new I can't do this I just can't.

Please don't hurt me, I can't fit on this page how much I don't want to lose this. Please who ever is there whatever is there don't let this hurt me and the people I love.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Feelings


God feelings are all I am dealing with right now in some ways it's wonderful in others it's craptaculer. I am so happy my heart could burst everything seems so right as if this is how it should be but at the same time I am also dealing with some pretty deep crap too.

You know I don't know why I bother writing in this anymore no one reads it anyway's and I am to afraid someone will read it that I don't want so I can't really say what I want. My life has so much going on right now and I would like to write about it, writing makes me feel so much better. Letting my thoughts, fears, and just general feelings spill out on this page really does help me get everything straight.

Like right now I am mad, its for a bad reason but I am so mad. I want something and I can't have it because someone else seems to be playing the waiting game, how long can you go. It's wrong of me to be so mad, really wrong but I don't want to lie I am just seething. Its all some game that I just don't want to play but I'm playing anyways because I have no choice, I have to because most of the time I am so so happy with this choice.

I was so happy earlier today, just sitting on the bench of the park. I wanted so bad to be able to stay there all night but I could not, I had places to go and people to see. I had fun don't get me wrong but if I had my choice I would have stayed on that park bench all night just enjoying myself and getting lost in the moment. Now I really just want to scream "GO ALREADY, JUST FUCKING GO!!!!!" You know what, I give up you win goodnight....... I am so mean I should not be but right now I just don't fucking give a shit.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Poly


My life has taken some pretty interesting turns in the last couple of months I've already talked about my Divorce but there is still a lot I have not gone in too. I guess the biggest thing would have to be that I am know living in a polyamourus relationship. For anyone who does not know what Polyamourus means here is a definition.

Polyamory
(from poly=multiple + amor=love) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Right know I am with a man and his wife, I have been friends with them for years so it's not like we just meet. It has not been easy sadly I started this relationship with cheating and in the Poly world that is pretty bad. Most people say poly relationships that come from cheating don't make it, I really hope that in our cause that's not true. I am very much in love with the man involved and his wife who is my best friend. Nothing sexual is between me and wife we are just good friends and I hope to stay that way for along time. Things where really hard at first and still are at times, the lying for so long really hurt wife and pretty much lost any trust she had in me and husband.

We are in the very start of this so it's very scary and new but I know in my heart that this is what I want in my life. I want to be with husband and wife for the rest of my life, I love husband with all my heart and I don't think he would be the same person if he was not with wife so I would never want to take him away from her.

Right now I have found a community of people who have been very helpful to me in this strange but happy new lifestyle. I have also done a few colums for their page under my username Catanya. That's all I'm ready to post about this right now but believe me there will be more later.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

A Girl

A girl once said to a boy. "Do you like me?"
He said "no."
The girl said "Am I pretty?"
He said "no."
She finally said "If I walked away would you cry?"
The boy said "no"
Having heard enought the girl turned away, the boy stoped her and said.
"I don't like you I love you, Your not pretty your beautiful, and if you walked away I would not cry I would die."

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Sex Revisited

I knew I would come back to this subject at some point, I guess now is a good time. So sex has changed for me of course mainly because I am no longer with my husband, we are not divorced yet but we no longer spend any time together. Thus no sex. Most people know why I am getting a divorce, my husband says its because I cheated on him and in part he is right I did cheat on him but that is not the true reason.

For years he has ignored my needs sexually and emotionally, he can be very callus when it comes to someone else's feelings. I am a very free thinking wife I told him he could sleep with other women as long as our marriage did not suffer from it. It did, he would be all for sleeping with these girls but when it came time for me to ask he would most times say no. When we did have sex it was usually short and most of the times it was giving him a blow job, which by the end I was happy doing since it was quicker and less disappointing then sex. Emotionally it was hard we lived with my parents for two years because he lost his job and most of the time he was jerky and none caring. I understand part of the he was depressed but he was not even trying to find a job, as much as he hated being in my parents house he loved not having to work. It was so hard for me, he did not listen to what I had to say and he would always just give in never really give his point. Plus the baby thing was a big deal to me, I have wanted a baby for so long and he really just kept putting me off. He told me once he found a job or we got our own place we would start trying, so he got a job and we got our own place and what did he say.... not yet.

Ug enough with that, this is about sex. So as I said I cheated on my husband, it happens most of the time when things are bad in your marriage. But the man I cheated with oh was he good with the sex oh so good. I have not been with a lot of men, three to be correct but this one oh god was he a keeper. He really knows how everything goes and how to really make you go that extra mile. The best think about him I would have to say is the kissing he kisses so well, just the right amount of tongue and oh so nice lips. I liked feeling every time like I was kissing for the first time, he gave that to me. He also helped me bring back my aggressive side when it came to sex, I had been hiding that for far to long.

For all of this there was a great deal of love there as well, when I was with him I felt better. Right now that's what I could really use, I want to feel comfort. Arms wrapped around me, gentle kisses on my neck, I want to feel that all night long. I am sick to death of being alone at night it is killing me ever so slowly, I need that closeness and yet its so far for me. I want sweet gentle loving sex, with passion behind it that is what I crave at this point. I'm being silly I know it I love sex, all kinds of sex but for some reason right now what I want most is just love and if I can get that with sex too, yippee.

Zombie LARP


So Friday, and Saturday I went to a zombie LARP and it was so much fun even without the Zombies. The whole thing was being run by my sister and her husband, the whole point is that you would be fighting zombies at night with boffers and Nerf guns. So it's looking like its going to be really cool everyone has neat outfits and amazing weapons, then my sister passes out. I am with my two friends at Wally world getting the last of the stuff we need when I get the call. Sara my sister has passed out she is being taken to the hospital and that we should go to the land for the LARP and stay there. I sigh because on Wednesday I passed out at work from a pretty vicious flu and am taken to the hospital, so I worry that I have made my poor sister sick.

So we all go back to the land and everyone is there and we are trying to figure out what to do while we are waiting. We decide that we are going to do Nerf wars around the the camp site and and old trailer on the land. We have a blast, running around shooting the other team, having sieges on the trailer. In the end it was a fantastic time with out killing one zombie, we are so going to have to do it again.

Oh my sister is fine, she was just taken of some meds to early and that caused her blood presure to go to high and she passed out. She got back tierd but happy and we hung out for alittle bit before we went home.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Thursday

Thursdays are important to me they are my day to do what I want. I can drive anywhere I want to, sit around the house watching movies, or hang out and do things with the people I want. Today was Thursday I had a great time I went shopping with a friend then got a nice massage and then came home to rest and eat some dinner with more friends. All of this was great but one person I wanted to spend time with I could not, this is my normal day with them and yet the time I needed was not able to be given. I am not complaining I understand I was doing something else and so where they but I don't know I sort of wanted to see them and get those moments together.

I love the people who are around me right now, everyone I care about is here but I still feel a little sad. I have come to think of Thursdays as a special day and yet today I still had fun but I wanted to be with this person more. I am going to stop going on about this it's stupid and I know it, its late I'm tired and I am feeling silly and girly. I will be fine, happiness will abound in the me again it's not like I had a bad day. I will get a good nights rest and hopefully I will wake up less silly and with another Thursday to look forward to.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Silly Quiz

Basics:
Name:Chandra
Date of Birth:November 7, 1981
Birthplace:Rochester
Current Location:Buffalo
Eye Color:Hazel
Hair Color:Drak brown red
Height:5'10"
Heritage:French
Piercings:Ears 6 Gage
Tattoos:One Pony on the back of my neck
Favourite:
Band/Singer:Regina Spektor
Song:Samson
Movie:Anything M. Night Shamalon
Disney Movie:Beauty and the Beast
TV show:Heroes
Color:Purple
Food:Ice Cream
Pizza topping:Peperoni
Ice-Cream Flavor:Mint Chocolate
Drink (alcoholic):Mikes hard leminade
Soda:Diet Pepsi
Store:Torrid
Clothing Brand:Lane Bryant
Shoe Brand:Nike
Season:Fall
Month:October
Holiday/Festival:Halloween
Flower:Rose
Make-Up Item:Blush
Board game:Clue
This or That
Sunny or rainy:Rainy
Chocolate or vanilla:Chocolate
Fruit or veggie:Fruit
Night or day:Night
Sour or sweet:Sweet
Love or money:Love
Phone or in person:In Person
Looks or personality:Personality
Coffee or tea:Tea
Hot or cold:Cold
Your:
Goal for this year:Get through it
Most missed memory:Times spent with my friends in high school
Best physical feature:Smile
First thought waking up:Lily stop pating my head (cat)
Hypothetical personality disorder:Fear of commitment
Preferred type of plastic surgery:Breast Lift (When I'm old)
Sesame street alter ego:Elmo
Fairytale alter ego:Belle (Can't help it I love to read)
Most stupid remark:Pop the pump hole
Worst crime:I know but no one else needs to
Greatest ambition:Sing
Greatest fear:That I'll be alone
Darkest secret:Yuck great deals of stupidness
Favorite subject:Books
Strangest received gift:
Worst habit:I talk over people sometimes
Do You:
Smoke:No
Drink:Yes
Curse:Yes so do
Shower daily:Yes
Like thunderstorms:Oh Yes
Dance in the rain:When I can
Sing:Yes
Play an instrument:Nope a little piano I guess
Get along with your parents:Yes
Wish on stars:Not much anymore
Believe in fate:Yes
Believe in love at first sight:Yes...... sigh
Can You:
Drive:Yes
Sew:A little, a very little buttons mainly
Cook:Ah some
Speak another language:Tiny amount of Spanish and Japanesse
Dance:Yes but for fun
Sing:Yes one of my favorite things
Touch your nose with your tongue:Nope
Whistle:Yup
Curl your tongue:Nope
Have You Ever:
Been Drunk:Yes was fun
Been Stoned/High:Nope
Eaten Sushi:Yes
Been in Love:Yes, many times
Skipped school:Yes
Made prank calls:Nope
Sent someone a love letter:Yes
Stolen something:Yes sadly
Cried yourself to sleep:Yes far too many times
Other Questions:
What annoys you most in a person?Not knowing when they are doing something annoying or dumb.
Are you right or left handed?Right Handed
What is your bedtime?2:00 am
Name three things you can't live without:Glasses, books, and My twin sister
What is the color of your room?White
Do you have any siblings?Yes twin sister and older brother
Do you have any pets?Yes 2 cats
Would you kill someone you hate for a million dollars?No way, never
What is you middle name?Rae Anne
What are you nicknames?Crab, Racoon, and Pony
Are you for or against gay marriage?So for
What are your thoughts on abortion?Womens Choice
Do you have a crush on anyone?Nope
Are you afraid of the dark?Yes sometimes
How do you want to die?With the people I love
What is the largest amount of popsicles that you have eaten on one day?Way to many to count
Would you take a bullet for the one you love?Yes I sure would
What is the last law you’ve broken?Um stealing
In a Member of the Opposite Sex:
Hair color:Red
Eye color:Hazel
HeightTaller then me
WeightAnything just as long as they are happy with their weight
Most important physical feature:Eyes and lips
Biggest turn-offTelling me what to do
Take this survey or other MySpace Surveys at PimpSurveys.com

Monday, August 13, 2007

Future


I have been thinking about my future a lot lately, less about the good and bad and more about what is going to happen. I wonder where will I be in 10 years, I'm 25 now that will put me at 35 years old. Will I be married again, have children, and be living in the same state? I hope that I have kids by then I always really wanted to have kids while I was young so I could enjoy my youth with them. As for being married I guess I really hope that I am with somebody, I would hate to be all alone at 35 years old. I want someone to hold my hand when I walk in the park, to tease me while we sit on the couch at night. I want to sit with him as I watch our child play in the park, see his face full of pride as our son or daughter draws their first picture or rolls their first die (sorry gamer reference).

I mainly just want to be happy, I know that not everything will be perfect, life is never perfect but happy is still doable. My life has taken tons of turns in the last couple of months and not all of them in the directions I would have thought but I really think its going to go well. I have a lot of hope as of late and I am trying not to let my silly girlyness get in the way.

The thing that is making me the happiest is that I am really starting to feel good about myself. As a teen I always looked at my self and said I was too large or fat. Now I realize I was really thin back then I was just larger in my frame and height then most of the girls in my school. Now I am chubby but people in my life have helped me come to look at myself as beautiful even sexy. I would love to be thinner for my health and well being but it's not something I look at as being the end of the world any more.

I really think my life is going to be happy and that I am going to be surrounded by people who love me. I know I still have a lot of bumps in the road to get through before that happens but things really seem to be going in the direction of a great deal of happiness.

Friday, August 10, 2007

It's Time


I finally realized it's time that I stop worrying and really just put myself in and let go. I don't want to worry anymore I'm just going to take the time to think about the happiness that comes with this. I'm happy so happy I think that I have not been in this good a mode in a very long time.

It's sad that someone had to sit me down and basically tell me to stop looking at the sad stuff. I always thought I was a happy person but I guess lately I have really been letting my self get down. I know that I have a lot of stuff that's coming down the line that might be really hard but I am just going to take it as it comes. I'm going to be happy with what I have and really just focus on the people I love and the good things in my life.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Done, Finished, Over

I am just so tired I really just want everything to be settled. I want to get my divorce over I want to pay the lawyer sign the damn papers and be on my god damn way. I hate the dragging out the worrying about how to file, who looks bad and who does not. What the hell does it matter it’s ending only me, him, and the lawyer are going to see the papers. I don't want to screw him I want this to be fast and clean and over.

I also just want to know what the heck is happening in my life after all this crap. I want to know I have a place to live and call my own. Sometimes it really looks like things are going to take a step forward but then I feel like I take a big leap back. There is one big hurdle in the way and I am having more and more doubts that it’s going to be gotten over. God I want hope and faith to be strong enough for me but I have had to live my whole life planning for what to do next. Now here I am completely with out a back up plan and I am scared as hell, I don't want to be left blind. I don't know how to deal with this I just want to be with someone I love why does that have to be so fucking hard.

Then there is the whole baby thing that's a nice little melodrama for me. I want so badly to have a child, with my whole heart and yet it's looking like that is just not going to happen. I told my husband before I got married that I wanted a baby and he said he understood. Yet 4 years passed and every time I was told we should wait make sure we are ready. You can never be ready you just have to do it, take the leap have the baby. Now here I am again going ahead unsure of if I will ever have a baby, I don't want to give up this dream. But I might have to give up this dream to have another I'm not sure what choice I will make. I don't want my life to be empty of the feeling of baring and raising a child that is mine and the person I love. I want that baby that child completely of my love, I want to raise them and help them be a good person in this world.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Tattoo 2


It's done and it looks amazing, I think that at some point I will get color with it but for right now it's fine.


I am so happy that I did this it makes me so happy to have done something that I have always said I would do. Well here is a pic of it, hope everyone likes it because I so do.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Hold Me


I never knew how much the words "Hold Me" could mean to me. When you’re going through a divorce you’re losing something, someone you put a lot of your life and soul into. It hurts a lot, even if your feelings for this person or this life are different no longer as strong. I'm finally letting go and I never realized how hard and how sad I would be. I thought I was done I thought I did not care but I was really so very wrong. You never stop caring about the people you loved it just can't work that way too much of your self is still with them. As much as this hurts I know I needed to feel this way, its part of me moving on.

The hardest part for me is the longing to be held, to feel someone holding you in their arms knowing that they love you. At night I lay alone my arms wrapped around a pillow and sometimes the loneliness is too much for me. I wonder around my sister’s apartment watching crappy videos on You tube or looking at her many books. Then I try to lie down again and not think of how much I miss the warmth of someone I love beside me. I try not to let it get to me but I'm so sad and I feel so alone, I know it's my fault but I can't help it. So many people are here for me loving me but at night when I'm finally alone all I long for is to say those much used for words "Hold Me" and have someone do it.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Tattoo

I'm going to be getting a tattoo tomorrow I am super excited the first one I ever got. Here is a pic of what it will look like when it's done I will post a pic of it done. I really hope that it looks nice it's going to be the pony in black not the girl. It's going to be on the back of my neck I really can't wait see how it comes out.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Break


I don't know what I am feeling. My mind is running running running and I can't seem to get it to shut up. At the same time everything I think about just flicks by never staying long enough to really contemplate. I went to lunch today with someone I care about and I felt out of it sort of not there it made me a little sad. It was nice in some ways because I did get to talk about some stuff that had nothing to do with my present crap and that felt really good, sort of got me to come around.

I am so damn tired, I can't believe home much I really need sleep lately. I need a good 7 hours of sleep or I feel like I am going to fall over. I think all the stress has made me very weary and in need of sleep desperately.

Sometimes I am so up and sometimes I am so down. I am really tired of always thinking I would like sometime to just mellow and think about nothing. Maybe I will take a break for little bit, I would say a day should be enough. Let my heart and mind settle, make some space. I need to breath and it feels like for the last month I have been just holding my breath waiting.

Hopefully this should help me de-stress and get back into the swing of things.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Poems 3

Pressing against the wall
Fingers digging into fabric
Heart beating fast, warm skin
Strong hands hold and touch
Nose lingers at my throat smelling my scent
A sigh escapes my lips
Body leaning trapping but inviting
Lips meet mine, oh so desperately
My mind is blown; I fall away leaving a yearning beast of want and need
Nothing is left but the heat and passion
My face rests against stubble and I pray
Make my fire burn, consume me



I can feel the pull of the moon calling to me
I step onto the cool wood the screen door closing behind me
A white sheet wraps around me as my hair moves gently in the wind
I breathe in the night its cloying embrace
I know my soul is here coming with the storm
I can smell the burning lightning and pounding rain
I open my arms waiting
Crashing
It fills me as it soaks me
Clinging to my self I pull it in
Knowing I will not feel this way again
No storm is ever the same it empties me
Leaving me wet and shivering
But clean

Monday, July 23, 2007

Sleeping

Feeling very lonely right now, don't really know why it is hitting me so bad right now but it is. Maybe the thought of going to sleep alone, waking up alone is getting to me. I hate being alone, it really hurts me so much. I lay in bed and dream about something I can't have, it makes my heart feel empty. I am trying really hard to be calm and wait but it's so hard. I realized today that I have been sleeping alone for a whole month now and to be honest I hate it. I thought oh yippee I get the bed all to myself so cool, but it sucks. I don't like feeling alone,

My whole life I have had someone to sleep with. Up until I moved out of my parents house I slept in bunk beds with my twin sister, if I ever got lonely I could crawl in bed with her. Then I had my first boyfriend and then finally my husband I was never alone. Now I can't even crawl in bed with my sister because she has her husband and her baby no more room for me.

It really is hard for me I want to feel a loving warm body next to me, one that will kiss me with soft firm lips and hold and caress me with kind strong hands. I just can't handle being alone, this morning I woke up and I found tears on my face I had dreamed so strongly of someone being by my side that when I woke up and no one was there it was devastating. Hopeful this will end at some point, but I don't think I will ever be someone who likes to sleep alone. So until then I just hope I can make it thought the night with out reaching my arm out for another warm body beside me that’s not going to be there.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Being There


Well things are getting better, slowly and with a lot of talking but they are getting better. I never know in my life that I would have to talk so much but it seems that for some things in life you just have to, to make them work. A lot of stuff is going on in my life right now and at some point I will talk about it but right now it is going to have to wait.

The main thing is that my mind is better settled at this point. My husband and I are definitely going through with the divorce and finding our own places to live. Figuring out where I am going to live is going to be a little hard because I want to keep the car which means my rent is going to have to be somewhat cheep. I think things are going to be OK thought I have a lot of people who are here for me right now and that is making this so much easier.

My sister is a very important friend to me right no, letting me stay at her place and helping me when I need to talk. Being with her and my amazing beautiful niece has also helped me keep a smile on my face no matter what is going on in my life. She has been a great person to laugh with my whole life and with out her I thing I would be in a much worse place.

Then I have my friends which have surprised me beyond what I could ever imagine one more then most because in a lot of this I have hurt her the worst. I always know how I felt about her friendship to me but I never truly knew how she felt about me and now I do and it has really given me a lot to think about. I know that this has been hard on her and sometimes all I can think about is what I did and how can I even think of asking her forgiveness but she gave it to me and is still willing to be my friend. I really do love her so much I hope that she understands that and that the trust she has given me will not be misplaced.

Of course there are the other friends in my life, one big one who happens to be the only one who reads this damn thing. She has been so helpful in her words and even just listening to me whine and complain about all this shit. I hope that she knows how much she means to me too. She has been a true friend when I really did not deserve one. Thank You!

Last my heart, know that I can not be without you and that all of this would be easier if I did not have you but I would never chose to be that way. Without you beating for me, and making me feel the way I do my life would be empty. Thank you for making me feel even thought I did not want to and I promise I will not run away from you. I will stand my ground and I will hold on to the dream you have given me for a better life and now I know it will come true. With you always there to give me the love, hope and strength in my life that I need I know that my life will be better. Thanks for not giving up on me and leaving no matter how hard it got.

Lot's of love to everyone who has been there for me during this crappy time. Hopeful all of the entries after this would be more on the up and up but no promises.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Hurt


I hate how this feels, I am scared and not sure what I am going to do. I have made big mistakes in my life before and I don't think I ever really learned from them. I am so afraid I am about to do the same thing, I am going to hurt someone else just so I can get what I want. In the end I'm just going to hurt myself and the other person. I know what the right choice is but then I will lose someone I care for, but maybe I need to think about someone other then myself for once. I don't want any hearts to be broken but how can I do this when I know that everyone is not happy. God I just don't know what to do.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Why

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG SO TIERD OF BEING LEFT OUT!!!!!!!! GOD I am left out of my life, I hate this so much I could just cry. Big things are happening and I am not there. WHY?

Writting


I always find that when my life is at the most rocky I write more, whether it's in a journal, poems, or just short quick sentences. I guess the emotions in my head just build up and need somewhere else to go. This blog has been a nice help to me mainly because almost no one reads it. I don't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings and if someone does come across it then it's nice to know someone has seen my words.

I don't know how to feel right now so much is going on and I have so little control. It's all about the wait right now, the not knowing what is going to happen in my life. Even if some things get figured out there is still a chance that it could change at a moments notice and it won't be me who makes the change. I will be just riding the wave hoping it does not stop and leave me stranded alone on the beach. I want to have more say in this but I guess what can I expect I made the choice to take this leap I could have said no.

I don't know why I can deal with things so calmly. I look at things that most people would say no, never, not in a million years and I say sure, I would like that, lets try. I guess I just don't want to go with what everyone else says is right. I think that as long as you are not hurting anyone else and you are happy why is it bad. Right know thought I am hurting other people and that is what I want to stop. I want to be a part of my life, i want a say in what is going to happen but for right now I am just going to have to wait. But it's killing me. It's killing me to know that my life and happiness is in someone else's hands.

Emotions suck! I wish for just a little while I did not have to think. For the last three years I have been going to an Anime convention in Baltimore called Otakon and I was supposed to go this year too but because of all that is going on I can't. I want to go so bad because it would be such a nice escape, a way to think of nothing but fun and anime. I wish wish I could go so very sad. Well maybe next year.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Scared


Feeling a little scared right now. My life is about to take a big jump and I'm really scared as to where it is going. I had my life all set, married, good job, thinking about having kids, the whole nine yards. Now my life is going down a road that is long, scary and dark but it could have a wonderful surprise at the end. There is a lot up in the air right now, I mean a lot but it's scaring the shit out of me.

I want to be excited and in a way I am but I'm more just lost and again scared. I hate myself a lot I have hurt people in this and I am going to continue to hurt people if this does not work out. I should be brave and make the smart choice but I want the dream that has been painted for me. I think I can be happy in this life but so much does not depend on me, I'm just stepping into the mix.

I want to cry so bad when it comes to this but I have such a hard time crying. After I left my husband I cried a little when I told him but mainly I was calm. All the way driving to my sisters nothing not a single tear, it was not until I was sitting on the couch burping her baby that I started crying and it was like sobs. I was sitting thinking about how badly I wanted a baby and that know I was going to have to wait and it was making me think of my husband and all the plans we had made. It was just too much for me. The other day I was talking on the phone more like arguing and I was starting to cry again, I was so frustrated. Someone was trying to get me to make the right choice and I was so scared I just started to lose it. Why can't I cry at the moment why is it only later when I am thinking that I cry. Today someone was just asking me a question about my ring and why I needed it and again I was almost in tears, all I could think was how empty my finger looked and felt. I have had something on that finger for so long and now it's gone, the ring I have there now is not even right I need something new something right.

I just want my life to go forward I am sick of the waiting room. I don't want to hurt any more and I don't want to hurt anyone else, but it looks like to be happy I may just have to. What a choice, I can be such a idiot. Maybe my life is meant to be this way maybe really good things will happen. I am going to hold on to this dream and maybe it will be the paradise I am looking for.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Over

So my marriage is over. I left on Thursday.

This was all my choice but I still feel scared, sad, lost, and cheated. I put 7 years in to this relationship and now I am just giving it all up, undoing all this work.

I was so mad yesterday when I told some friends at work and they where like, that's great now you’re free. I know they may have been just trying to make me feel better but god. I just left I'm not thinking about going out and partying, it seems so crass. I hate that it got here and at times I want to kick myself and go back but I know it was the right thing to do.

I think what sickens me the most about this is that I don't feel as sad as I thought I would. I was sure I would be sobbing and pinning for him but I'm not. I have cried don't get me wrong but it’s more for lost time and for hurting him.

I can't write anymore I just can't think I will probably post more later but for now I just need to breath.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Choices

I wish that the choices I had to make where easier. Leave sure and safe for scary and alone, seems simple but its not. Sure is possible wrong, stuck in the same ways as always and unyielding. Scary is possible freeing, taking my own life into my hands and new doors may open for me.

I'm so scared should I just stay because I'm afraid that I won't have anything or anyone if I leave. If I go I could lose everything I care about, and I do care about it.

Simple choices that could make a large difference and yet I can not make them.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Niece


Yesterday my very first niece was born, and I got to see the whole thing. I have never been present at a birth before and even thought I have seen it a number of times on TV it’s just not the same.

My twin sister who I love with all my heart was fantastic doing something that when you think about seems impossible. She gave birth to a healthy and amazingly beautiful baby girl. I took picture after picture of this lovely baby and I found myself crying. I don't cry a lot it's hard for me I don't want to be to girlie but this was just too much for me. Here was someone that I was going to be able to talk too, play with, get to know what she likes and doesn't, know the secrets she does not want to tell her mother. I had never felt this before; right here was a life just waiting to move forward.

All of this just made me feel all the more how much I want to have children of my own. To have all of that and for it to be my baby I just can't think of how it would feel. Thank you to my niece for giving me this chance.

Wilhelmina Rose Herringshaw
May 24 2007
7 pounds 2 ounces
20 1/2 inches

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Love


I know I have talked about this subject in the past but I feel that more can always be said.

Love for me has changed a lot lately, how I see it and how I feel it. I have always had a hard time letting someone past my shields mainly because of things I did as a kid. I was always so trusting I told all my friends everything and in the end that was bad because sometimes I would say to much and it could cause problems. As I grew older I stopped sharing so much and learned to build a wall between myself and most of my friends. I did not want to get hurt and I did not want to say anything wrong that would embarrass me. But lately I have found people in my life that I can finally be free with. Originally I could only talk to my twin sister she was like the other half of my soul we could share anything. Then I found my husband and it was so nice to open my heart and mind to someone who I think loves me for who I am. Now I have found a friend that I can truly be honest with. I can complain about my life with out worrying that they think I am whining, I can talk about my wishes in life and where they want their life to go. I can be myself, silly, forgetful, happy, frustrated, scared, anything and they are there for me.

With this trust comes love, which is what I was trying to say. I always looked at the romantic love but I forgot completely about the love of two friends who really understand one another. I never really had that, my friend for most of my life was my sister and she will always be my best friend but she is still my sister. Having the love of someone who has no ties to you other then shared trust and interests is something special. I am happy that I got the chance to feel this and I hope that everyone out there has felt this or will someday.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Death


Death has always been a hard thing for me; I don't understand it when it comes to dealing with it. Many of my friends and family have lost someone they care for and to be honest I don't know how to help them. I have yet to lose someone I was close to since I have been old enough to understand lose. When I was young my Great Grandmother died and thought I loved her very much I was not upset. At the time I was too young to understand the totality of lose and what it meant, to me she was sick for so long and now she was not. It was that simple I loved her but she was still in my mind forever, and in the traditions my family holds to her. Now as I have gone older lose holds so much more for me, the feelings one builds for someone embed themselves deeper. As a child things come and go in your life and you watch them with little concern as an adult that changes, things are more important.

What I worry about is that some day some one I love will die and I don't know what I will do or how I will act. Will I go thought it as cool as when I was a child or will it eat at me and strip away the shields I build around my emotions? I'm scared I have become desensitized by time and will not feel it or walk around in a fog trying to pretend it did not happen. Death is part of life I have always looked at it that way and I don't want to stress over it and the people who have to leave.

Recently a friend of mine had a loved one die in her life and it got me to thinking about this subject. I talked to my husband about what I wanted if something where to happen to me and what he wanted in return. In this sense we think the same way if we are in a vegetative state we don't want our loved ones to hold on to us we want them to be able to let us go. So for me I would want the plug pulled, if there was no brain activity. Even if somehow 30 years later I could wake up who wants that, to wake up so much later and for my family to hold on to me for so long. I'm very relaxed about life I don't want to die but I know that someday I will and I don't want to miss out on stuff because I am scared that I might die. So I will be jumping out of planes with a parachute, bungee jumping, rock climbing, or just plain riding in a big boot across the ocean or in a plane across the country. I don't want to miss out on life and all the joys and fears that come with it.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

New Job

I am currently working towards a new job with HSBC, I am really excited but they are making it really hard for me. They want all this information to be faxed to them about my prior job history and it’s a bit hard because one of my jobs closed its doors and another moved from the original facility it was in. Hopefully I will be able to get it all together and then start the new job on March 12th yippee.

This job is a gods send for me, its closer to home I won't have to do so much driving and my husband works there. I really want this to work out, it's important to me.

Working where I work now has been really hard for me, I have to drive thought all this snow and some nights it can get really bad. I have been really lucky so far with not getting in an accident but the more you drive the more likely you will get in one. I have to add two extra hours to my day with the driving and it's time I would like to spend with my friends or husband.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Poems 2


Poems are things of beauty
Holding everything and possibly nothing
The thoughts of one soul, reaching to see if others feel the same
Like snow drifting to the ground
Or like hot lava filling the ocean causing steam
What one sees as light another will see shadow
But what is the one without the other
All minds hold sway building the verse
We see what we want
We hold the keys to our own minds
Dare the words to tempt you
Or let them make you calm
Words that hold many worlds are things of beauty
Create your dream


Love is a many splendid thing when tried and true.
I love as I see short sighted and blurry.
Does the love I feel truly exist or am I creating a fantasy?
My heart yearns for closeness and yet I push away the ones who truly are.
I find tests to set against them, unfair and weighted unjustly.
I should know my own mind but I do not want to look.
I want to see one thing and if I don't what will I do then.
No one can help me but myself, how silly and old.
I could ask for help but I don't want everyone else to know ME the real ME.
I am scared of who I am and I am ME no matter what.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Singing


There is a special place in my heart that loves to sing and to hear singing. The music of a voice is so powerful to me, it makes my mind still and quite.

When I was in school I sang in my school choir and loved every moment of it. The moment everyone opened their mouths and started to sing together it was like heaven to me.