Normal

I wish my life was normal, I don't mean just Rob and me I mean everyone being happy. I know that life can't be happy all the time but I just wish we did not have to worry about if everyone wanted to be part of our life.

I love my baby, I love Rob, I care a lot about Heather but I want us to be happy. I just don't know that Heather is going to ever be happy with this or if she is just going to put up with it for her whole life.

I want to live in a poly life where everyone involved where happy with the lifestyle. As of right now we are not really living in a poly lifestyle, Heather and Rob are living as a married couple with the girl that Rob allowed into his life but Heather does not want. I know that she thought I would get bored with Rob and leave and then when I got pregnant she was surprised and scared. I think because she realized that I was not going that I was in it for the long haul.

I truly hate this so much, I think that if Rob and I could we would like to be more Poly because I think that is who we are. Rob loves Heather and he always will but I just don't know what Heather feels. She is so hard to read, you have to pull everything out of her. I think if she had the resolve she would leave Rob and go live with her sister or her parents.

Is it to much to ask that everyone that was involved in a family was happy about it.

Having A Baby

So I always knew that having a baby changed your life, but I can say I am surprised at somethings that have happened. I feel somewhat disconnect with my life like I am watching things happen not really participating, it's really weird. The connection that I felt for Rob is different, I sill love him so much but something is different. I don't know if it's because right now we can't be intimate and that is a big part of our relationship or if it's because I have Ellie now and I am not so dependent on his love.

Every night I am so tired from taking care of Ellie and Rob is so tired from working all day that we kind of just sit and chill. I don't have that same feeling of closeness that I had with him for so long, I'm really sad about it. It could all just be that we need time to settle into this new life with a baby but right now it's really throwing me off.

The other problem is that I am trying so hard not to think about having to go back to work in a couple of weeks because I know that it will make me so sad. I don't want to leave Ellie, I really want to raise her and see her grow. I don't want to just see her on the weekends and at night when I get home from work. She is so important for me and I truly hate missing the most important part of her life, where she is becoming a person.

I also don't think Heather is adjusting to this as well as I would hope. We really need to sit down with her and talk about what how she wants to be in Ellie's life. I still wish she was truly interested in this life and not just hanging on because she loves Rob. I want our life to be happy and content and I don't think Heather is ever going to fell that way. I think she is always going to wonder if she fits and if things would just be better if she left or I left. I want her to know what she wants and do it. I truly sound like a broken record when it comes to this so I will move on.

Ellie is wonderful and I look at her and love her more then I can possible say, nothing can change that for me. I wish I could have had that last month of pregnancy but 8 months was OK. I can't wait till I am pregnant again, I loved it so much. There where hard parts but the feeling of having a baby inside of you is like nothing else. I also wish the labor had been different, if I get pregnant again I plan on doing things differently. For one I plan on staying natural and maybe even doing a water birth. It's funny labor is hard, scary and painful but I would do it again because it was so neat doing something that only I could do for my baby.

Welp I know I have more to say but I can't think of it know so I will come back when I can.