Remembrance Tattoo

My mom made me a beautiful tattoo to remember my lost baby, it's amazing. A little explanation about it I already have two tattoos of my little ponies, a purple one for me and a yellow and orange one for Ellie.  So this really fits in with me, I feel like this will help me in a small way to feel like I will remember my baby. As I have said before I am so worried about forgetting this baby I need something to remind me in some way. 

Forgetting

I have never wanted anything more in my life then to be pregnant again, it's making me nuts. Rob and I talked about waiting 4 or 5 months before we started to try again and I just don't know if I can wait that long.  I have tried to explain to him how I feel and I just don't thing I am getting it across to him. I feel like I need to get past this part I need to get pregnant and get past the 11 week mark to feel safe.  Until I do I am just going to worry myself into a tizzy, thinking that I can't do it.  Before all this I read an artical once that talked about women wanting to have a baby right away after having a miscarriage and I could not understand it at the time. I would think "Why do that want to do that won't it be to hard so soon, or maybe they should give them self some time." But now I finally understand you have to its not about replacing the baby you lost its about feeling like your not a failure, that you can have a healthy and happy baby safely.

I am so scared about all of this, I feel like it never happened all of it the pregnancy and the lose. It's so frightening, I don't want to forget.

Miscarriage

I don't really know how to feel I had a miscarriage this week, the baby was just 11 weeks old. I know that it was early and that's what I keep saying to everyone when they say they are sorry. But in reality I am sad everything happened so quickly it almost does not seem real.  The miscarriage it's self was scary and traumatic, I had no idea what was going to happen. I wanted someone to be able to tell me what to do and how to possibly stop it.  By the end I just wanted it to be over and know if I had really lost my baby or not. I never really got the word, they just told me that I needed to get a D&C because the bleeding was so bad. I wanted to hear the words from my doctor to really know what happened, but I was so confused and lost I did not know what to ask or how.  I feel like I did not stick up for myself, I know that there was no stoping the miscarriage and that it did happen but I wish someone had explained more.

I wish I could have meet this baby we did not even get to hear its heart beat it was so early, I did not even have a name picked out. When It first started I had an ultrasound and they told me that there was a small tear of the placenta from the uterus which was causing the problem they told me to rest and not to lift anything. I did not get to see the ultrasound pictures, I wish that I had asked to see them just so I could of had something to remember.  But I was to focused on trying to make sure everything went ok. Then that night everything went to shit and I ended up in the ER by an ambulance and then in the morning that's when the pregnancy finally ended.

I miss the pregnancy, I miss the dream that this baby was.  I miss dreaming of what this baby would have been like and looked like.  Crying does not seem to help I think only time will make me better and having another pregnancy that does not end badly.  It's so scary knowing that this can happen for real instead of just to the people around me or in books and movies, it makes me worry that it will happen again.  I know it is not a guaranty that it will happen again but it is still so scary.

I want to do something to remember the baby by but I don't know what.  I have nothing to remember it by no ultrasound picture no body nothing it's so disheartening.  I was thinking a tattoo or a tree, but if the tree does not do well I think that will just make me sad.  Maybe a small plaque or a small box to bury I just don't know it's so frustrating.  I hate all of this, I hate feeling this way and going thru this I just wanted it to be ok but it was not.