Not Enough

Sometimes I think I drive Rob nuts with how many times I tell him I love him but its because I am trying so hard to get out how I really feel. I keep opening my mouth hoping the right thing will come out but its too big. Love just does not seem enough.

One night I was laying with him and it was like a physical ache inside me I needed so badly to be close to him. I was holding him so tightly to myself and so was he but it still hurt and I think it hurt him too, we could not get close enough. I don't know what it is that draws me so strongly to him I have tried figuring it out but I can't seem to see it. He has all the things that a normal person has, good, bad, in between. Some people would say more bad but I don't think so there is a lot of good in him it's just different.

He makes me laugh and cry, in all the good ways. He makes me feel, sometimes when I don't think I can. Its hard I'm not always happy and I can't see it myself but he does, I need that. He is always sure things will work out, while I always worry deep inside that they will not. He really does, he refuses to plan for things in the negative. I think I long for that in myself, I would love to let go of my fears and just know I am always going to be here with him. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by sex I can't stop wanting it, needing it even thought I know I'm pushing. I see that in him too, I don't always want to be driven so hard by it but I see him struggle as well and it makes me feel better. He looks at me and I honestly want to know what he sees, his eyes look so happy. I look at me and I see me, I can't find what about my face makes him so happy. I tried to think about his face and how it makes me smile and I can't pin point why I just cant.

Lots of people say that they want to have there loved ones baby because they want something that is a little bit of both of them. I want that I do but truly I want more of him, I live with me everyday I don't need more of me. I want to see what he was like when he was growing up, I know that a baby is his own individual self but there will be pieces of Rob in there. I want to see the joy and pride in Robs heart when he see's how much his son will be like him. Smart, funny, full of sass. Nothing can be more important to me then having that baby with Rob there so he can hold him when he is born, see how tiny he is. I never realized how small babies really are, I want to see him holding that tiny baby. I need that and I think Rob understands how much I need that baby. It's scary, so much can happen with children but I am truly willing to take that risk and jump right in.

I don't think I will ever be able to tell Rob how big this feeling I have for him is, or how much it makes me feel whole. I will just continue to live my life seeing myself as a better person because of what he sees and wishing I knew how he was able to find it in me.

Simplicity

Sometimes the idea of simplicity is so appealing. Just to do simple things, to live a simple life seems thrilling. I watch the movies where people go and live in places like Italy or France and I want to be there so badly. To buy all your food fresh, have beautiful flowers every night, and to watch the sunset over the ocean.

Walk among the trees barefoot and just feel the cool grass between your toes. Pet a kitten, smell its fur, fall asleep with it's purring in your ears. I miss that. Hold a baby, know that its yours and that at that moment nothing else matters. Lose yourself in the feel of it's skin, the smell of it's hair, its weight in your arms.

Tasting a man's sweat, the sun slanting in the window as you lose yourself in his grasp. Laying your hand on his chest and feeling the coarse hair beneath your fingers. Kissing his lips and feeling that tingle in your stomach as the kiss lingers just a moment longer. The way you mind blanks out for a moment fuzzing to nothing as he holds you. The moment when you just can't seem to get close enough and you just want to feel like part of him and then you are.

Such simple small things, I cherish the moments I have and long for the ones I have not yet experienced. I need to take more time to look at my life and to see it for what it is and what small things it can give me right now.

Jealousy

So lately my jealousy and anger have been out of control. It seems to always be burning underneath everything that I say or do with Heather. I don't know what is wrong with me but I have never felt this way not the whole time Rob and I had been fooling around or after we got into our relationship. I find that when Heather asks me a question that seems obvious I want to snip at her, I also find my self thinking mean things after I answer. Last week when I came home at one point the door was locked and the light was off, we usually leave the door unlocked and the light on for anyone not home so it makes it easier for them to get in. Once or twice in the past Rob or I have accidental locked the door or left the light off and Heather has come home and been upset about it. When is has happened I run and get the door for her as quickly as I can because I feel bad and I did not mean to. It has dome to be this big thing like if you are the one locked out we don't care about you or something. I never really minded because I understand things happen but that night I felt different. I watched thought the screen on the door window as I tried to unlock both locks and Heather just sat there watching me do it she never made any move to come and get the door. When I go in she said it was because she thought I was home already and she was sorry. I was a little peeved that she did not help but that was it, then I went up to say hi to Rob and he told me she asked him if I was home and he said no. So it left me wondering if Heather left the door locked on purpose to punish me for the times in the past.

Now there is a huge possibility that it really was an accident and I am making a big deal out of nothing but I can't seem to shake it. I wonder if this is just truly my jealousy rearing it's ugly head or if its more. All the things I have read about poly talk about the fact that jealousy always comes from something, it's not it's own separate emotion but more a mix of many others. I don't know if I'm mad because I want more nights and I feel like I can't ask for them because I am greedy or if it's the fact that Rob planed on telling his family about me before his sisters wedding and Heather told him she thinks that he should wait until after. His sisters wedding is in October, it feels to me like she wants to put it off. I know that all of this stuff could really be just may head making it bigger but it's really just driving me nuts.

I never wanted to hide this relationship forever I want it out and real. It feels like it may just drag on forever, I was so happy that Rob was going to tell his family it was the next step but now I don't think it's going to happen.

I don't know what to feel things are so much better but it still seems like somethings have never changed. I want to sit down and seriously talk about where things are going, like talking to families, babies and nights. I also want to find out how everyone is feeling because I don't think it's really all out there and it needs to be. I want to know if Heather can seriously deal with this or if she has just been gritting her teeth to get thought it. I don't want her unhappy I want this to be good, not perfect mind you but good.

Watchmen

So last Friday I got to go see Watchmen, it was amazing. I loved it so much I went a second time, and I would go a third or forth time if I could. It was so true to the comic, and it filled in the spaces in between the frames as well. Here are somethings I loved about the movie.

-I love how DR. Manhattan looks, his eyes are like constant star burst and when the camera moves near him there is this interesting other worldly sound effect that happens.

-The scene with Night Owl and Silk Specter in the owl ship is so sexy. I like that they went there, it was unexpected and amazingly done.

-The actor who played Rorschach was so good, he truly made me feel for him. At the end right before he is disintegrated his emotion is so strong and it really makes you understand why he was doing what he was doing.

-The fighting was so well done it truly gave action to the comic. I like how the movie was great for people who had read the comic and for people who had not.

-The Scene at the end with Ozymandias after everything has happened and Night Owl and Silk Specter are leaving, he looks like a little kid waiting for someone to tell him that he has done the right thing it's so cool.

-The music. Bitching! Some people whinnied that they should have used new music, I think that's stupid the movie takes place in the 80's we have perfect music just waiting to be used and it was well done I must say.

So that is just some of the reasons I love the movie.