Thursday, April 24, 2008

Late Night Ramblings By A Chandra

Sometimes I just don't feel like me, like one second I know who I am and the next I just feel like I'm walking in a fog. I'm 26 and I feel so very young but I don't know how else I should feel I keep waiting for the day I will grow up but I just can't see it coming. I feel like I'm in love but I'm scared that I'm just walking down a dead end road, who am I, what made me think this was the right thing.

My grandfathers death made me think of so many scary things, like what would I do if Rob died? My grandfather is never going to see my children, where will I go for Christmas and Thanksgiving? How soon will it be before I have to worry about my parents, If Heather dies before Rob and I will we make it together alone?

At the memorial service they had a table set up with some of my grandfathers things, the hardest thing for me to look at was the coffee cup and saucer, the little spoon resting on the side. It was such a staple of who he was every time I saw him he had a cup of coffee at one point or another. Here's what his life came down to for me that little cup of coffee, I would never see him drink it again or even just hold it. He really is dead. So much was poured into that stupid cup for me and I just don't know how to think about it or handle it. I keep thinking that this should not be a big thing I should be able to move on but I just can't seem to put it away. I say I am but I'm not, I want to be strong but I'm just not.

Deep down I'm tired, I know everyone else is too it's just that I try so hard to pretend I'm not. I bitch to my friend and she listens but why does it have to wait so long, why can't I just say I hate this I don't want to be careful I don't care what other people think. I know it's because I do I don't want to hurt the ones I love but so much is riding on one little step. Journal's are for bitching I would not have them any other way.

I hate that their here too, it totally cuts into our life and the way we live. It's there house but I want to be gone, well and truly away so we don't have to play hidey games and who will say honey first by accident and have to explain it.

The I go and watch a movie "Juno" which I find I truly love and of course I cry because it's about a teenager having a baby and what do movie's about babies do to me? The same thing they do every time Pinky they make me cry. I can't kick it no surrey bob. Babies on my mind all the time sweet little pink things. I want to be the one all sweaty and crying holding the baby in my arms that I just pushed out my girl part. I want to smell it's amazing little head and count its many little fingers and toes, I want to look up into Rob's face and see tears in his eyes as he looks at his baby, for gods sake I would take him just smiling like an idiot if he does not want to cry.

I'm also sick of myself and sex, for once in my life I don't want to think about it all the time. I love it and it is very much a part of me but I just want it off my brain for a little bit. Who am I sex girl, doing and thinking of nothing else. Ug I want sex so bad right now but I also don't know if it's just me thinking that but my body really just does not care.

Maybe I just want this chapter to end already and the new one to start, no more dilly dally. The show must go on and all that crap, bring on the stage hands to strike the set. I need to lay on my new bedroom floor in my bare feet and just smell the air and know it's mine. I need for Rob to lay next to me even though he thinks I'm a nut because he understands how I feel that this is a new life for me something amazing that we are making together, with love, children, friendship, and long days to look forward to. Closing my eyes and letting the silliness of it just slip away and just being there and feeling that shift as things finally go down the right course, that it what I want.

Remember these are just words, they are truths but not ones to bury yourself with. Ramblings of a late night Chandra and her crazy pink skull filled mind.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Some Q&A

ECHNOLOGY
Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A picture from an online comic I love called Dominic Deegan: Oricale for Hire. Its really lovely hard to explain what it looks like.

Q. How many televisions you have in your house?
The one I am in right now has 4. My apartment that I will soon be moving into will have 1, its huge though.

BIOLOGY
Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right. I was born able to use both but now I am a righty.

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A Kidney, to my twin sister, she sucks.

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
HUmmmmm, a heavy box yesterday. We where moving stuff into the garage to get ready for the move. yippee.

Q. Have you ever been knocked out?
Nope, I have been knocked silly before. I think anyone who has siblings has most likely been knocked silly once or twice.

BULLSHITOLOGY
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Oh this is hard because in someways I really want to know, so I can be ready and make sure to tell the people I care about how much they mean to me. I really don't want to know because if it's soon I will be so pissed I really have things I want to do like have a BABY!!!!! Ug sorry.

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Nope I love my name it's neat and I think different.

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
Burgendy is a great color on me.

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item?
I think a marble and maybe a penny when I was younger.

DAREOLOGY
Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
You can pay me for it if you want but I would totally do it without the money, ummm girl lips so soft and lovely.

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
I have to say no. I have a phobia about my hands, I need they to stay perfect and working. I get all scared and shaky thinking about something happening to them.

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
Totally I love blogs but money is the good, and I could still write in a journal.

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
Oh my god yes, I have always wanted to pose in the nude and to get payed good money for it is even better.

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
No, never every I have seen what happens when you do that and it is a gross and yucky thing.

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
No, simple and completely no. There are people I don't like but I could never do something like that I think in the end it would kill me to. My mom once told me that if anyone did anything to her children she would make them pay, but not by killing them. She said she would hunt them down and torture them until they truly knew how she felt and she would not be nice, I could totally see myself doing that to someone in the same situation.

DUMBOLOGY
Q: What is in your left pocket?
Nothing I am not wearing pant's, hehe I am in my PJ's and no pants involved. WINK!

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
yes. I likey.

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
Both.

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
Stand most times if I am feeling tired or sad I sit.

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
Two pairs I love them.

FAVORITOLOGY
Q: Number?
7 my birthday.

Q: Season?
Fall, I love the smell of the air and the sound of the leaves crunching on the ground.

Q: Color?
I love Purple but I am starting to really like hot pink.

CURRENTOLOGY
Q: Missing someone?
Oh yup, my parents, my sister, amazing Mina, my friends everyone, most of all my man.

Q: Mood?
Relaxed, trying to stay that way. Also totally turned on but I have to be a good girl I was lazered in the girl parts so no fooling around.

Q: Listening to?
Over the rainbow the Hawaiian version sung by Jason Castro.

Q: Watching?
Made on Mtv.

Q: Worrying about?
My grandfathers service, I don't want to cry and be sad but I know I will be.

Q: Wearing?
my PJ's a cute blue and black night gown with contemporary flowers on them.

RANDOMOLOGY
Q: First place you went this morning?
Bathroom, sorry had to pee.

Q: What can you not wait to do?
Have sex I want sex so bad.

Q: Do you smile often?
All the time I love it.

Q: Are you a friendly person?
I think I am, I like to be happy and friendly.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Service

So last night was a hard night for me, I went to bed around 11:30pm but did not finally go to sleep until around 2:00am. I was laying in bed thinking about my grandfather’s memorial service that is this Saturday and what I was going to wear when I started to cry. Here I was thinking about what is the right thing to wear to say goodbye to my Grumpa and it was too much. I feel like I have been doing so well with his death but thinking about actually being there and truly feeling that he is gone is so scary.

I know it is not Rob’s fault that he can’t really come, mainly because of the whole already married thing but I am really sad that I have no one to go with me. My family will be there of course but Rob is so good at making me feel safe and loved that I wish he could be there to hold me since I know I am going to cry. Just writing this I am starting to tear up which is bad since I am at work.

The closer I get to Saturday the harder it is for me to not think about it, god I have never dealt with this before. I think I will be ok I just hope that I can hold it together, I really just want to be happy, I am so bad at being sad. I feel wrong when I am sad, like I am letting myself and other people down I need to not feel that way. I know its ok for me to be sad I just don’t know how to let myself, I’m afraid I will just break down into tears YUCK.

Oh well I will write more after the service, can’t wait to see my family I just wish it was for a happier reason.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Fighting

I hate when Heather and Rob fight, it’s stupid but it feels like when my parents used to fight I just want to fix it. I want them to get along I hate seeing them angry at each other, plus I feel stuck in the middle. I like being a happy person so when other people around me are sad I feel sad too, plus I have to tread carefully so as not to make anyone mad at me since they are already in mad mode.

The argument mainly has to do with money and how said money is spent for the new apartment. I feel like I’m in the middle because some of the big things that need to be bought are a bed and bedroom furniture for my room. I keep thinking that Heather has to be thinking in her head that if she did not have to spend money on my stupid stuff she could use it for more stuff that she wanted. I’m scared to make her feel resentful of me so I am trying to make sure to pay for the bed myself but it seems to be a sticking point. I don’t have the money for the bed right now so until I do they are going to have to pay for it then I can pay them back.

She found a bed for me today and as much as I am happy that she found it I can’t help but think that she got it out of the way because she was mad and sick of hearing about it. I don’t want to be an issue I hate that I still feel like I don’t know my place.

She could still decide “Hey I hate this I totally want this girl out of my face” and dump me to the curb. I guess I just want some sort of word from her that she has excepted this and that baring me being a huge idiot and doing something dumb (like cheat on Rob, steal money from them or any other big relationship ending thing) that I get to stay an she will not fight it.

Ug this is all I every talk about “When will she except me, I’m so scared, what will I do” Whine, whine, whine, whine, whine. So tired of this, I just want to relax no more stress please, please. I am such a dork, really a big one.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

As one

I’m ready to be married to Rob; all I want is to be with him forever. I know that I can never be married to him in the legal sense but to me that does not really matter; the emotional and spiritual part is what my heart longs for. So much has happened to us in the past year amazingly good and horrible bad but all of it has just brought me closer to him. For awhile I was so afraid that we would end up like all of my other relationships, I could always feel when things where going bad but I never really listened to myself. With Rob I don’t feel that, everyday I am happy to see him and even when things are hard I can’t see myself leaving. I have learned a lot about myself in this time as well, I was lying so often before this is was becoming apart of who I was finally I am free of that. I hate lying now even just a little, I want to always be honest and fair.

I want to dance with him, rub my face on his neck, fell small as he hugs me in his arms, taste his warm lips, talk to him about video games and Naruto, get my butt beaten by him in dag (hopefully beat him someday to), tell him when I’m sad and have him be there for me no matter what is making me that way, have and take care of his troublemaking babies, all the rest of my life.

I’m never going to look back this is the right place for me Heather and Rob will always be my family. When the day comes where we can finally swear our lives together I will truly be the happiest I have ever been in my whole life.