Monday, July 30, 2007

Break


I don't know what I am feeling. My mind is running running running and I can't seem to get it to shut up. At the same time everything I think about just flicks by never staying long enough to really contemplate. I went to lunch today with someone I care about and I felt out of it sort of not there it made me a little sad. It was nice in some ways because I did get to talk about some stuff that had nothing to do with my present crap and that felt really good, sort of got me to come around.

I am so damn tired, I can't believe home much I really need sleep lately. I need a good 7 hours of sleep or I feel like I am going to fall over. I think all the stress has made me very weary and in need of sleep desperately.

Sometimes I am so up and sometimes I am so down. I am really tired of always thinking I would like sometime to just mellow and think about nothing. Maybe I will take a break for little bit, I would say a day should be enough. Let my heart and mind settle, make some space. I need to breath and it feels like for the last month I have been just holding my breath waiting.

Hopefully this should help me de-stress and get back into the swing of things.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Poems 3

Pressing against the wall
Fingers digging into fabric
Heart beating fast, warm skin
Strong hands hold and touch
Nose lingers at my throat smelling my scent
A sigh escapes my lips
Body leaning trapping but inviting
Lips meet mine, oh so desperately
My mind is blown; I fall away leaving a yearning beast of want and need
Nothing is left but the heat and passion
My face rests against stubble and I pray
Make my fire burn, consume me



I can feel the pull of the moon calling to me
I step onto the cool wood the screen door closing behind me
A white sheet wraps around me as my hair moves gently in the wind
I breathe in the night its cloying embrace
I know my soul is here coming with the storm
I can smell the burning lightning and pounding rain
I open my arms waiting
Crashing
It fills me as it soaks me
Clinging to my self I pull it in
Knowing I will not feel this way again
No storm is ever the same it empties me
Leaving me wet and shivering
But clean

Monday, July 23, 2007

Sleeping

Feeling very lonely right now, don't really know why it is hitting me so bad right now but it is. Maybe the thought of going to sleep alone, waking up alone is getting to me. I hate being alone, it really hurts me so much. I lay in bed and dream about something I can't have, it makes my heart feel empty. I am trying really hard to be calm and wait but it's so hard. I realized today that I have been sleeping alone for a whole month now and to be honest I hate it. I thought oh yippee I get the bed all to myself so cool, but it sucks. I don't like feeling alone,

My whole life I have had someone to sleep with. Up until I moved out of my parents house I slept in bunk beds with my twin sister, if I ever got lonely I could crawl in bed with her. Then I had my first boyfriend and then finally my husband I was never alone. Now I can't even crawl in bed with my sister because she has her husband and her baby no more room for me.

It really is hard for me I want to feel a loving warm body next to me, one that will kiss me with soft firm lips and hold and caress me with kind strong hands. I just can't handle being alone, this morning I woke up and I found tears on my face I had dreamed so strongly of someone being by my side that when I woke up and no one was there it was devastating. Hopeful this will end at some point, but I don't think I will ever be someone who likes to sleep alone. So until then I just hope I can make it thought the night with out reaching my arm out for another warm body beside me that’s not going to be there.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Being There


Well things are getting better, slowly and with a lot of talking but they are getting better. I never know in my life that I would have to talk so much but it seems that for some things in life you just have to, to make them work. A lot of stuff is going on in my life right now and at some point I will talk about it but right now it is going to have to wait.

The main thing is that my mind is better settled at this point. My husband and I are definitely going through with the divorce and finding our own places to live. Figuring out where I am going to live is going to be a little hard because I want to keep the car which means my rent is going to have to be somewhat cheep. I think things are going to be OK thought I have a lot of people who are here for me right now and that is making this so much easier.

My sister is a very important friend to me right no, letting me stay at her place and helping me when I need to talk. Being with her and my amazing beautiful niece has also helped me keep a smile on my face no matter what is going on in my life. She has been a great person to laugh with my whole life and with out her I thing I would be in a much worse place.

Then I have my friends which have surprised me beyond what I could ever imagine one more then most because in a lot of this I have hurt her the worst. I always know how I felt about her friendship to me but I never truly knew how she felt about me and now I do and it has really given me a lot to think about. I know that this has been hard on her and sometimes all I can think about is what I did and how can I even think of asking her forgiveness but she gave it to me and is still willing to be my friend. I really do love her so much I hope that she understands that and that the trust she has given me will not be misplaced.

Of course there are the other friends in my life, one big one who happens to be the only one who reads this damn thing. She has been so helpful in her words and even just listening to me whine and complain about all this shit. I hope that she knows how much she means to me too. She has been a true friend when I really did not deserve one. Thank You!

Last my heart, know that I can not be without you and that all of this would be easier if I did not have you but I would never chose to be that way. Without you beating for me, and making me feel the way I do my life would be empty. Thank you for making me feel even thought I did not want to and I promise I will not run away from you. I will stand my ground and I will hold on to the dream you have given me for a better life and now I know it will come true. With you always there to give me the love, hope and strength in my life that I need I know that my life will be better. Thanks for not giving up on me and leaving no matter how hard it got.

Lot's of love to everyone who has been there for me during this crappy time. Hopeful all of the entries after this would be more on the up and up but no promises.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Hurt


I hate how this feels, I am scared and not sure what I am going to do. I have made big mistakes in my life before and I don't think I ever really learned from them. I am so afraid I am about to do the same thing, I am going to hurt someone else just so I can get what I want. In the end I'm just going to hurt myself and the other person. I know what the right choice is but then I will lose someone I care for, but maybe I need to think about someone other then myself for once. I don't want any hearts to be broken but how can I do this when I know that everyone is not happy. God I just don't know what to do.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Why

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG SO TIERD OF BEING LEFT OUT!!!!!!!! GOD I am left out of my life, I hate this so much I could just cry. Big things are happening and I am not there. WHY?

Writting


I always find that when my life is at the most rocky I write more, whether it's in a journal, poems, or just short quick sentences. I guess the emotions in my head just build up and need somewhere else to go. This blog has been a nice help to me mainly because almost no one reads it. I don't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings and if someone does come across it then it's nice to know someone has seen my words.

I don't know how to feel right now so much is going on and I have so little control. It's all about the wait right now, the not knowing what is going to happen in my life. Even if some things get figured out there is still a chance that it could change at a moments notice and it won't be me who makes the change. I will be just riding the wave hoping it does not stop and leave me stranded alone on the beach. I want to have more say in this but I guess what can I expect I made the choice to take this leap I could have said no.

I don't know why I can deal with things so calmly. I look at things that most people would say no, never, not in a million years and I say sure, I would like that, lets try. I guess I just don't want to go with what everyone else says is right. I think that as long as you are not hurting anyone else and you are happy why is it bad. Right know thought I am hurting other people and that is what I want to stop. I want to be a part of my life, i want a say in what is going to happen but for right now I am just going to have to wait. But it's killing me. It's killing me to know that my life and happiness is in someone else's hands.

Emotions suck! I wish for just a little while I did not have to think. For the last three years I have been going to an Anime convention in Baltimore called Otakon and I was supposed to go this year too but because of all that is going on I can't. I want to go so bad because it would be such a nice escape, a way to think of nothing but fun and anime. I wish wish I could go so very sad. Well maybe next year.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Scared


Feeling a little scared right now. My life is about to take a big jump and I'm really scared as to where it is going. I had my life all set, married, good job, thinking about having kids, the whole nine yards. Now my life is going down a road that is long, scary and dark but it could have a wonderful surprise at the end. There is a lot up in the air right now, I mean a lot but it's scaring the shit out of me.

I want to be excited and in a way I am but I'm more just lost and again scared. I hate myself a lot I have hurt people in this and I am going to continue to hurt people if this does not work out. I should be brave and make the smart choice but I want the dream that has been painted for me. I think I can be happy in this life but so much does not depend on me, I'm just stepping into the mix.

I want to cry so bad when it comes to this but I have such a hard time crying. After I left my husband I cried a little when I told him but mainly I was calm. All the way driving to my sisters nothing not a single tear, it was not until I was sitting on the couch burping her baby that I started crying and it was like sobs. I was sitting thinking about how badly I wanted a baby and that know I was going to have to wait and it was making me think of my husband and all the plans we had made. It was just too much for me. The other day I was talking on the phone more like arguing and I was starting to cry again, I was so frustrated. Someone was trying to get me to make the right choice and I was so scared I just started to lose it. Why can't I cry at the moment why is it only later when I am thinking that I cry. Today someone was just asking me a question about my ring and why I needed it and again I was almost in tears, all I could think was how empty my finger looked and felt. I have had something on that finger for so long and now it's gone, the ring I have there now is not even right I need something new something right.

I just want my life to go forward I am sick of the waiting room. I don't want to hurt any more and I don't want to hurt anyone else, but it looks like to be happy I may just have to. What a choice, I can be such a idiot. Maybe my life is meant to be this way maybe really good things will happen. I am going to hold on to this dream and maybe it will be the paradise I am looking for.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Over

So my marriage is over. I left on Thursday.

This was all my choice but I still feel scared, sad, lost, and cheated. I put 7 years in to this relationship and now I am just giving it all up, undoing all this work.

I was so mad yesterday when I told some friends at work and they where like, that's great now you’re free. I know they may have been just trying to make me feel better but god. I just left I'm not thinking about going out and partying, it seems so crass. I hate that it got here and at times I want to kick myself and go back but I know it was the right thing to do.

I think what sickens me the most about this is that I don't feel as sad as I thought I would. I was sure I would be sobbing and pinning for him but I'm not. I have cried don't get me wrong but it’s more for lost time and for hurting him.

I can't write anymore I just can't think I will probably post more later but for now I just need to breath.