Into Account

It is so easy to run to something new then to deal with something old. I think maybe its best to get a handle on what you have going on at home before you start looking outside.

I think I may need to wait before I make any changes to my life I might just be jumping the gun, maybe fate was trying to say something to me. If only everyone could see that same fact and take it into account.

Surprise

I have never been surprised by someone I love.  I have never had some one send me flowers at home or at work, I have never gotten a surprise visit while at work.  No guy has ever asked me out, and when it came time for marriage there was no surprise proposal from Rob or Dave.  No "Hey I have this romantic dinner planed or this late night stroll come and see" nothing like that.

The reason this came to mind was because last night Rob went and surprised someone at their work and all I could think is "Wow that is so cute, they look so happy. Surprises are so great" "Why has this never happened to me." I just don't know why I always have to do the pursuing.

I watched all these surprise proposals, birthday gifts, baby announcements and here's your boyfriend who you thought was away videos on YouTube and it just made me sad. Dancing, singing, flash mobs, cards with fun messages, clues that led you to a hidden place everything you could think of as a surprise.  Its all about telling this special someone that you think they are so amazing you can't help but show them how much and brighten their day.

With Dave for our 2nd anniversary I left notes for him all over the house all week long with things that I loved about him.  With Rob I have shown up places with surprise lunchs and sent pictures with little hints about special surprises hidden away for him.

I know this is all just a little disjointed but I just really wanted to put my feelings down and say that I just wish I had some fun and good surprises in my life.

Clash Of Kings (COK)

This weekend is one of my favorite Dagorhir event Clash Of Kings.  I look forward to it every year since it started this will be the forth year that its being run.  The group that started it is called Winterfell which for the people who read geek books and the HBO watches will know is from the Game of Thrones book series. 

I need this weekend like I have never needed a Dag event before, I need a break and to escape to my favorite place "Fantasy".  The event is three days long and its at a campground with rustic style cabins.  Which means they are really not meant for the fall and winter months, because its COLD!  But strangely I don't mind I kind of love it, it makes me feel alive.  I get to dress up in my fighting gear and beat the crap out of my friends and people I have just meet and not worry about going to jail.  Then I get to put on my beautiful dress garb and go to a yummy feast with all of the people I just beat on and laugh about it.  I love that feeling of being with people who are like me who get that same feeling when they put on their garb and step into our fantasy world.

One of my best friends is also going to be having her hand fasting at the event, its going to be so beautiful.  She has asked my twin sister and I to sing "Beggars to God" at the ceremony, I am so honored to be able to do this for her.

I am just counting the hours until I leave tonight, its going to be a blast.

If anyone is looking for their own fantasy escape with fun and fighting look for a Dagorhir group near you, or heck look for any other group like it.  Finding this sport has changed my life and given me so many friends and loved ones, I hope the same happiness for everyone.

In My Head

I still feel overwhelmed sometimes like I just can't get a hold of what's going on around me.  I don't want to feel like I am messed up in the head but I don't know how to fix it.  Normally I feel like I am pretty good at dealing with where my head is at but for once I feel out of control.  

Confidence

As this all happens I can't help thinking am I really that great or is he just saying it, I don't want to fish for compliments I feel like I just can't stop bitching about myself.  I want something but I just don't know what it is, and I how can I get it if I don't know what it is.  I'm tired of being this whacked out person and feeling lost. Can't I have a revelation like those people in the movies like "bingo!" can't I have that.

I want to be worth something, I don't want to be broken any more. I want to be a person to look at, to want, to still fall for. I just don't know how to feel that way anymore, don't know where my confidence has gone.

Want

I want to be someone that someone wants, I want to be wanted.  It's not that people don't want me in their lives it's just that I want to be "WANTED". Rob knows what it's like to be wanted by someone he has girls wanting him all the time. I want to feel that, I want to know what it's like to have someone just crave you. I know that Rob wants me but over time that want changes it mellows, I always get jealous seeing him be free to want others and have them want him.  Its not the people I am jealous of its the experience.

All this time I have been saying I am living in a Poly relationship and I am but I have been doing nothing Poly. I have been watching Rob from the sidelines wishing that I could be involved wishing that I could be out there on the field playing the game too.  It must be such a rush to feel that NRE to just reveal in someone burning for you again.  I don't know how to find something like that and I'm sick of thinking of settling for some girl I may not like just because she might be interested in me.  I want to find a girl who likes me and who I like but I don't know where to go or even how to look. I don't know if I even want to deal with the hassle of it all.