Babies such a horrible problem for me. I desperately want one with a need so strong it overwhelms me sometimes. Right now is just not the right time to have one it really is not, but I can’t get my mind and body to care. Heather’s starting a new job, her mother is dying, we just moved into this apartment, and we are trying to get ourselves financially stable. I want to care I need to care but I just can’t seem to. I am so scared that I will never have children and I want them so badly. I don’t want to go on the pill because for some reason I truly feel that if I do that will be the end I will never have children if I do.
I don’t know what it is but I feel like I am running out of time that if I don’t do this soon I never will, and I also feel like I need to. I don’t know if this is just my stupid female body doing this to me or if it is something deeper driving me.
I just don’t know what to do, it’s stupid I should be able to relax and just let it happen but I can’t. I have gone on and on about this is the past and it seems to just keep coming back to me full circle. I want to stop, I’m so stressed out over it but nothing seems to be helping. I don’t want to cry about it, I don’t want to think about it, it breaks my heart.
Why can’t I be like a normal women one who can have a baby with a little planning why does my body have to suck, why can’t it work correctly. With me it could take years for me to get pregnant and that’s with a lucky shot. If for some reason I can’t get past my body issues I don’t think I can even adopt not with the relationship I am in, I am almost sure that no adoption agency would place a child with me. Plus I will never have the money to do all the crazy fertility stuff or to pay some women to have my kid. I just don’t know what to do and honestly sometimes it kills me, I look at women who can have children so easily and it makes me cry. I want to hold a baby in my arms and smell it and fell it breath, knowing that I did that. I hate myself why can’t I do this something so part of my makeup the makeup of all women and I can’t.
I know that I could get lucky when the time is right and just pop I’m pregnant but I just don’t think so. My heart is just heavy and I feel a little gray right now I’m just not my normal happy self. I hope I can get over this it’s just hard.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Up and Down
So my weekend was a full one, some really great times and some really really crapy times.
On Saturday Rob, Heather, Matlock and I went to Darien Lake for my work Picnic. We had a great time, there was free food for both dinner and lunch and free drinks as well. We rode some water rides and even got to go on some rollercoaster’s; in the whole it was an amazing day.
Now for Sunday not such a good day it sucked as a matter of fact. So the morning was nice I woke up early and Rob saw me so he came and tucked me and laid with me until I feel asleep again. When I finally woke up again we all spend sometime playing on our computers then we got ready for gaming. Rob was super happy about using his new mini which Heather had done an amazing job painting, and we where looking forward to really getting in to Eric’s game. Now for the crap, so we finally get to Eric and Autumns place after stopping at the store quickly and the first thing I notice is Megan is sitting in my seat. Now I am carrying stuff so I did not have a chance to say anything, I did plan on saying something once I had put my stuff down but Rob got to it first sadly. I could tell as soon as he got in the door he was pissed, he looked at Megan and said it was not her seat she ignored him as she often does and then he asked her to move saying it was our seat. Megan said it used to be but it was a new game so it was not anymore. Now mind you I was mad at this comment since it was my seat she was in and I understand that there are no name plates written on them but I had been sitting there for some time and things had worked out just fine. But I was willing to let it go until I had a chance to talk to her, but this only made Rob madder so he got mean. He told Megan that he did not want to sit next to her because she smelled, Heather and I tried to calm him down but Megan was pissed now so she commented back and it just want badly from there. Rob finally came to me and asked for the keys, he kissed me and Heather and then went to leave as he was doing so he punched Megan in the arm and told her that it was the best he could do and left. He did not really hurt her with the punch but it was still bad and we all knew it including Rob, mind you he does not fell badly about it but he knows it was wrong.
This of course makes things hard, I am very mad at Megan because I feel she was being antagonistic on purpose and to be honest I have not had friendly feelings towards her for some time. But now because of Rob hitting her that throws all this out the window, I can’t be mad at her even thought I feel she was as much at fault in this argument as Rob was. It spiraled out of control and if he had just walked out we may have been able to deal with it but now we can’t. I understand Rob’s temper he is amazing I have only really seen him lose his temper twice including this since I first meet him which was ten years ago; but when he does it is usually bad. So the fact that he only hit her in the arm and not very hard at that is a miracle, the likelihood of him knocking her teeth out was really high. I am not saying that we should be happy with what he did by any stretch of the imagination but it’s true that it could have been much worse.
I don’t know how to feel here, Rob says he will not came back as long as Megan is gaming with us. I don’t like Megan very much I have tried very hard to give it time so that I can find it in me to like her but I realize that honestly in life you don’t have to like everyone. This is hard for me to handle because I try really hard to be nice to everyone and to find something good in everyone because I know I am not a perfect person so I fell I have no right to judge. But I just can’t like everyone and I think after this I really don’t like Megan, I will continue to game with her but I can’t be her friend. I will continue to be friendly and polite but I don’t plan to hang out with her outside of gaming in any fashion.
When it comes to Rob it’s hard for me to know how to feel, I love him with all my heart and understand that there are certain parts of his personality that will never change as there is in all people, but this one is a hard one. When he dislikes a person he is done with them, he will handle them for a while but when he is done he is just done. He knows he has a bad temper and realizes if he goes back to gaming he will most likely do something that he will regret. He is very depressed about not being able to game anymore with all the rest of the friends but he feels his hands are tied because he just can’t handle Megan with the feelings he has. He also realizes that this is very childish and stupid in a way but again he knows that he can try all he wants but this is a part of his personality he can not suppress. Megan has hit his shit list and thus he can’t take her off not without some miracle. I get it but it does not mean I am happy, I love gaming with Rob so this means Heather and I will have to go to gaming on our own, we only really get two days of complete time with him Heather less because she normal has stuff to do with her family on Saturday. I don’t know what to do I don’t want to stop gaming and Rob is not asking us to he is encouraging us to continue but we want to spend time with him.
Right now I am trying to talk Rob into coming back but I don’t see that happening but Heather and I plan to continue to game with everyone. We will most likely leave a little earlier then we used to just so we can spend some time with Rob but that is subject to change as is everything else.
I really just want things to be fixed I hate stress and drama I really do it makes me feel crappy and ill, everyone in our house is sort of walking around in a depressed fog and I hate it.
On Saturday Rob, Heather, Matlock and I went to Darien Lake for my work Picnic. We had a great time, there was free food for both dinner and lunch and free drinks as well. We rode some water rides and even got to go on some rollercoaster’s; in the whole it was an amazing day.
Now for Sunday not such a good day it sucked as a matter of fact. So the morning was nice I woke up early and Rob saw me so he came and tucked me and laid with me until I feel asleep again. When I finally woke up again we all spend sometime playing on our computers then we got ready for gaming. Rob was super happy about using his new mini which Heather had done an amazing job painting, and we where looking forward to really getting in to Eric’s game. Now for the crap, so we finally get to Eric and Autumns place after stopping at the store quickly and the first thing I notice is Megan is sitting in my seat. Now I am carrying stuff so I did not have a chance to say anything, I did plan on saying something once I had put my stuff down but Rob got to it first sadly. I could tell as soon as he got in the door he was pissed, he looked at Megan and said it was not her seat she ignored him as she often does and then he asked her to move saying it was our seat. Megan said it used to be but it was a new game so it was not anymore. Now mind you I was mad at this comment since it was my seat she was in and I understand that there are no name plates written on them but I had been sitting there for some time and things had worked out just fine. But I was willing to let it go until I had a chance to talk to her, but this only made Rob madder so he got mean. He told Megan that he did not want to sit next to her because she smelled, Heather and I tried to calm him down but Megan was pissed now so she commented back and it just want badly from there. Rob finally came to me and asked for the keys, he kissed me and Heather and then went to leave as he was doing so he punched Megan in the arm and told her that it was the best he could do and left. He did not really hurt her with the punch but it was still bad and we all knew it including Rob, mind you he does not fell badly about it but he knows it was wrong.
This of course makes things hard, I am very mad at Megan because I feel she was being antagonistic on purpose and to be honest I have not had friendly feelings towards her for some time. But now because of Rob hitting her that throws all this out the window, I can’t be mad at her even thought I feel she was as much at fault in this argument as Rob was. It spiraled out of control and if he had just walked out we may have been able to deal with it but now we can’t. I understand Rob’s temper he is amazing I have only really seen him lose his temper twice including this since I first meet him which was ten years ago; but when he does it is usually bad. So the fact that he only hit her in the arm and not very hard at that is a miracle, the likelihood of him knocking her teeth out was really high. I am not saying that we should be happy with what he did by any stretch of the imagination but it’s true that it could have been much worse.
I don’t know how to feel here, Rob says he will not came back as long as Megan is gaming with us. I don’t like Megan very much I have tried very hard to give it time so that I can find it in me to like her but I realize that honestly in life you don’t have to like everyone. This is hard for me to handle because I try really hard to be nice to everyone and to find something good in everyone because I know I am not a perfect person so I fell I have no right to judge. But I just can’t like everyone and I think after this I really don’t like Megan, I will continue to game with her but I can’t be her friend. I will continue to be friendly and polite but I don’t plan to hang out with her outside of gaming in any fashion.
When it comes to Rob it’s hard for me to know how to feel, I love him with all my heart and understand that there are certain parts of his personality that will never change as there is in all people, but this one is a hard one. When he dislikes a person he is done with them, he will handle them for a while but when he is done he is just done. He knows he has a bad temper and realizes if he goes back to gaming he will most likely do something that he will regret. He is very depressed about not being able to game anymore with all the rest of the friends but he feels his hands are tied because he just can’t handle Megan with the feelings he has. He also realizes that this is very childish and stupid in a way but again he knows that he can try all he wants but this is a part of his personality he can not suppress. Megan has hit his shit list and thus he can’t take her off not without some miracle. I get it but it does not mean I am happy, I love gaming with Rob so this means Heather and I will have to go to gaming on our own, we only really get two days of complete time with him Heather less because she normal has stuff to do with her family on Saturday. I don’t know what to do I don’t want to stop gaming and Rob is not asking us to he is encouraging us to continue but we want to spend time with him.
Right now I am trying to talk Rob into coming back but I don’t see that happening but Heather and I plan to continue to game with everyone. We will most likely leave a little earlier then we used to just so we can spend some time with Rob but that is subject to change as is everything else.
I really just want things to be fixed I hate stress and drama I really do it makes me feel crappy and ill, everyone in our house is sort of walking around in a depressed fog and I hate it.
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Camera
I really really need a camera I hate missing out on pictures. I don't want to look back on my life and have nothing to mark it by, pictures really help you remember things and I want that.
Not Much
I'm sad and happy I don't have much to post lately. This is good because a lot of times I post because I have an issue and lately there have been no major issues.
Rob, Heather and I are really just feeling stuff out, things are going well and I'm happy to no end. I do feel thought that we really need to sit down and have a talk to see how we are all feeling. Mainly because Heather is very good at keeping stuff to herself and I think without us forcing her to talk she may not say it.
One great thing is that it has been a full year since I left Dave as of the 5 of July, and I am so happy about that. I am not happy about the fact that I am not divorced yet but I really have a hard time finding a good lawyer, I wish I knew someone who knew a lawyer. So much had happened in this year and when I look back it boggles my mind.
I have moved in with Rob and Heather, I have two nights with him every week, we show our love pretty openly which is great and I think we really are starting to build a life together. I have also changed a lot as a person, I am happier, I am better with my money, I am trying hard not to lie anymore because I really hate it, and I fell more like myself.
I have talked to Rob about the fact that I really want to have some sort of commitment ceremony next year, don't know when exactly but I am thinking the summer some time. He seems really interested but he really wants to have Heather involved as do I. He thinks that if it is a commitment ceremony where I am marrying to both of them and not just them it will make it easier for Heather and I agree. It will be about sharing my life with both of them and not trying to separate Heather and Rob's relationship. Know I just need to think of how we are going to do it, maybe I will post on my Poly boards and someone there will have a good idea. I really want my friends to be there, also my parents would be happy to be there as well don't know about Rob or Heathers but probably not. I think it's going to end up a lot like a handfasting, so we shall see.
Rob, Heather and I are really just feeling stuff out, things are going well and I'm happy to no end. I do feel thought that we really need to sit down and have a talk to see how we are all feeling. Mainly because Heather is very good at keeping stuff to herself and I think without us forcing her to talk she may not say it.
One great thing is that it has been a full year since I left Dave as of the 5 of July, and I am so happy about that. I am not happy about the fact that I am not divorced yet but I really have a hard time finding a good lawyer, I wish I knew someone who knew a lawyer. So much had happened in this year and when I look back it boggles my mind.
I have moved in with Rob and Heather, I have two nights with him every week, we show our love pretty openly which is great and I think we really are starting to build a life together. I have also changed a lot as a person, I am happier, I am better with my money, I am trying hard not to lie anymore because I really hate it, and I fell more like myself.
I have talked to Rob about the fact that I really want to have some sort of commitment ceremony next year, don't know when exactly but I am thinking the summer some time. He seems really interested but he really wants to have Heather involved as do I. He thinks that if it is a commitment ceremony where I am marrying to both of them and not just them it will make it easier for Heather and I agree. It will be about sharing my life with both of them and not trying to separate Heather and Rob's relationship. Know I just need to think of how we are going to do it, maybe I will post on my Poly boards and someone there will have a good idea. I really want my friends to be there, also my parents would be happy to be there as well don't know about Rob or Heathers but probably not. I think it's going to end up a lot like a handfasting, so we shall see.
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