Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Worried

I don't know what is causing it but I feel very worried and scared, like something bad is around the corner and I can't see what it is. I feel a pressing against my chest and my heart is beating so fast, it's an unknown terror that is griping me.

I am trying to calm myself down and tell myself that I am just worrying needlessly but the emotional side of me is just not hearing any of it. I can't explain how worried I really feel, so very worried that my skin is clammy and I can't sleep.

Why do I feel like this; there is nothing major that I know of coming along, it just came on me tonight and I can almost feel it bearing down on me like a building storm clouds. I hope nothing comes of this; I really do, I am going to try to go to sleep and maybe this will go away in the night.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

A Moment


So this is just a rant so don't take it too seriously, this goes for me as well. So I feel left out it's dumb I know but I still do. I don't get sex, I don't get sleep, and I don’t get to go places. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I have to work and that my schedule sucks so I don't get to go places a lot. The sex well that is pretty self explanatory and the sleep well that's just because I have no real place yet but so that will change.

So I went bike riding on Thursday it was really nice I had such a good time but I felt sad in some way’s I really wanted to go with someone. I stopped at a grave yard near my friend’s house on my way back with my bike and it was so peaceful walking among the grave stones. There where some really old ones there that you could barely read the writing on them. I loved it, I know it's a little creepy but I have always wanted to have a Picnic at a grave yard it's so peaceful and calm. I guess I was just looking at the stones and I just wished I could have been doing it with some one else. Silly I know I have to start getting used to being alone at times, I used to be really good at it but now it's like I don't know what to do.

I am happy with myself I like who I am and the things that I like I need to start looking inwards and finding ways of spending my time on my own. I think I am going to ride my bike more often and maybe take some walks too, I have also stopped reading books pretty much it's time for me to get back on that wagon. See this is me looking at the bright side and seeing what is good in my life, it's funny that silly little list has really helped me.

Oh I had a nice dream last night it really made me so happy. I dreamt it was my birthday and I was working when all of a sudden one of my co-workers came in with some purple roses and a stuffed Lama, she said they where for me. I got all excited and started to leave work when my boyfriend (could not see his face sadly) showed up and whisked me away in his car. He took me to dinner and then we went to the park and sat on a blanket and looked at the stars because it was night by then. I woke up as we started to walk back to the car it was just so romantic and it made me so happy.

All in all I am doing ok other then my earlier rant, I'm happy and I am taking everyday as it's comes.

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

So I just found this song again today when I was looking for lyrics of another song and it hit me how much it fits with my life right now. I love it so much, it's so short but it holds so much of how I feel and hope that it really resonates with me. I'm happy I stumbled upon it.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Steps


I feel like I am starting to take steps in the right direction and it's really giving me a true sense of hope.

Today I gave my cats to my brother, this very much makes me sad but I know that he will love them and make sure they are taken care of. I knew after I told Dave I was leaving that he would not keep them but I was always hoping he would so they could be with one of their parents. I wish so much that I could take them but I can't because I am moving in with a friend who is very allergic to them. I have to be willing to give up something I truly love in this sense so that I can have something great.

I know I am doing better that my emotions are starting to settle and that makes me sooooo happy I hate being all emotional. I do wish parts of my life where easier mainly because I am just so tired and want things to be smother but hard just seems to be the way life is.

My biggest issue right now is really just loneliness at night, I need something to sleep with anything to just hold. I once saw a big pillow shaped like a kitty and I wanted it so bad but I did not get it, I truly wish that I had it would be so nice to just snuggle up with that at night. It's getting so hard for me to sleep at night, at my sisters house I sleep like 4 to 5 hours then when her husband goes to work I crawl into bed with her and sleep for another hour maybe. At my friends I sleep a little better but I still wake up at night sometimes and have to read something or play one of my video games because I just can't sleep, plus it's a little scary sometimes. I don't like to whine because it's a stupid fear but I'm afraid of the dark and here I am sleeping in a basement which can get pretty dark and scary. It's childish but when I have a stuffed animal I tend to feel safer, they seem to just give you a sense of not being alone.

Oh well maybe I can find one at some point but I have more important things to spend my money on then a stuffed cat that I can snuggle with because I am a big sissy.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Jealousy

This is a topic I never wanted to talk about, mainly because it sucks and I try so hard for it to not to run my life. I usually don't have strong feelings of jealousy I'm able to think thru them and move on, there is always a feeling behind jealousy you just have to find it and deal with it.

When it comes to the men I date I am good with them being with other women because I know that they still love me and that I still will get sex from them too. Yesterday for the first time in a very long time I had a strong pang of jealousy and it keeps wanting to nag at me. I was never jealous of these people never I could look at them and not care it was only right after all that they act this way but yesterday something was said that just made a pain shot thru me. Afterwards I tried to sit down and think about it calmly and I know why it bothered me, because I am no longer getting the same in return.

The feelings involved are sadness, anger, and the strongest emotion is the feeling of being left out. Know that I know what is driving this maybe I can work on it; I really hope I can because right now every time I think of it another pain ripples around in my head. I am stronger then this and I can work thru it. Until then I am going to try to stick to my list and think of the good things in my life and take a deep breath.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

List

So here is what I need to do.

1. Relax
2. Stop pushing
3. Take one day at a time
4. Actually open my mouth
5. Give up a little for a lot
6. Look at the good
7. Make some of my own way
8. Work at work
9. Breath
10. Give it time

Empty


I feel empty for some reason, I have a lot of reasons it could be but I really don't know which reason it could be. I'm trying really hard to not be down I don't like being down I like being happy and full of energy. But I feel like I have lost something in that sense like some amount of my life is being sucked out of me.

I have to give up something I really enjoy and I don't want to, I feel like there is no point because I am never going to get it back. I think the rule will always be in place because things will never be good enough for it to go away. I know that there is a point to this and that I am letting my sadness get the better of me but right now I really can't find it in me to care.

I'm really sick of crying I feel like that's all I do some times, my emotions are so up and down right now. I wonder if I need to talk to someone who can help me but I really don't have the money to pay for something like that. I can't help but think I am going to do this and then it will not make a difference I will still lose in the end.

I hate this so much I am not this person I just want to be myself again, I don't want to lose everything including myself.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Grow up

It's time for me to grow up and stop whining. My life is not that bad, I have a place to stay people who care about me, a good job and a great family.

I need to let people help me, letting them in is not going to get me hurt It will only help make my life even better. I need to learn to trust I have to let the fears of being yelled at go away, lying is no longer a part of my life I'm going to be honest and up front. I am going to make this work, I want this, I have been dreaming of this my whole life.

Time for Chandra Rae Blair to grow up and be a part of something.

Scream

I'm so tired I really just don't want to deal with this stuff anymore. I love the life I have chosen but I just want it to be alright right now, this very moment. I am sick of being sad, angry, lonely, and sorry because I am all of those things and it feels like it's killing me sometimes. It's tearing me up making me wonder what is really right, I'm so happy at times so very happy but at others I fell like I could just cry forever.

I hate this emo crap, I'm not like this I'm strong, nice, happy I don't get this sad, so very sad that I.... god what the fuck am I saying. I don't want to be here, I don't want to hide every move I make every emotion, I want to scream, rip and just ball my eyeballs out. Why can't this be easy why can't I just take the easy road why does it always have to be the hard way Chandra, are you just dumb? Who is this person, I'm so not her but I feel like this and I can't seem to stop it.

I am so gloriously happy with the my heart just out there I just don't want it to be snatched away told to get over it find something new I can't do this I just can't.

Please don't hurt me, I can't fit on this page how much I don't want to lose this. Please who ever is there whatever is there don't let this hurt me and the people I love.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Feelings


God feelings are all I am dealing with right now in some ways it's wonderful in others it's craptaculer. I am so happy my heart could burst everything seems so right as if this is how it should be but at the same time I am also dealing with some pretty deep crap too.

You know I don't know why I bother writing in this anymore no one reads it anyway's and I am to afraid someone will read it that I don't want so I can't really say what I want. My life has so much going on right now and I would like to write about it, writing makes me feel so much better. Letting my thoughts, fears, and just general feelings spill out on this page really does help me get everything straight.

Like right now I am mad, its for a bad reason but I am so mad. I want something and I can't have it because someone else seems to be playing the waiting game, how long can you go. It's wrong of me to be so mad, really wrong but I don't want to lie I am just seething. Its all some game that I just don't want to play but I'm playing anyways because I have no choice, I have to because most of the time I am so so happy with this choice.

I was so happy earlier today, just sitting on the bench of the park. I wanted so bad to be able to stay there all night but I could not, I had places to go and people to see. I had fun don't get me wrong but if I had my choice I would have stayed on that park bench all night just enjoying myself and getting lost in the moment. Now I really just want to scream "GO ALREADY, JUST FUCKING GO!!!!!" You know what, I give up you win goodnight....... I am so mean I should not be but right now I just don't fucking give a shit.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Poly


My life has taken some pretty interesting turns in the last couple of months I've already talked about my Divorce but there is still a lot I have not gone in too. I guess the biggest thing would have to be that I am know living in a polyamourus relationship. For anyone who does not know what Polyamourus means here is a definition.

Polyamory
(from poly=multiple + amor=love) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Right know I am with a man and his wife, I have been friends with them for years so it's not like we just meet. It has not been easy sadly I started this relationship with cheating and in the Poly world that is pretty bad. Most people say poly relationships that come from cheating don't make it, I really hope that in our cause that's not true. I am very much in love with the man involved and his wife who is my best friend. Nothing sexual is between me and wife we are just good friends and I hope to stay that way for along time. Things where really hard at first and still are at times, the lying for so long really hurt wife and pretty much lost any trust she had in me and husband.

We are in the very start of this so it's very scary and new but I know in my heart that this is what I want in my life. I want to be with husband and wife for the rest of my life, I love husband with all my heart and I don't think he would be the same person if he was not with wife so I would never want to take him away from her.

Right now I have found a community of people who have been very helpful to me in this strange but happy new lifestyle. I have also done a few colums for their page under my username Catanya. That's all I'm ready to post about this right now but believe me there will be more later.