Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Writing Frenzy

Well tonight I am just is a crazy writing frenzy, everything seems to be coming up. Just watched the Waitress and loved it so much, it has everything that I hate to love and was good at kicking me in every little button. If you every get the chance to see it I highly recommend it.

This was a hard day for me so many things just hit me upside the head and I can't help feeling like I may cry and I truly am sick of the crying but I am also sick of the things causing me to want to. I wish my brain would shut off and I could just not care for one moment how much I hate this and how I should be happy with what I have but I just can't seem to. I so have a lot but I just want to not feel like the biggest mean person around and right now that's how I feel and I just loath it. I am going to go have some pie then I am going to go to bed, then tomorrow I am going to see a movie with some friends who are not Rob and Heather and try to enjoy it. Then I will go to be probably cry my eye balls out and feel better for it, or maybe I will do that tonight not sure yet I guess I'm going to have to feel it out.

Things will get better I know and this to will pass but until then I hate everyone and everything for just a little while.

Really see Waitress if you can very good, night.

Baby Crap

Just want to say how much I hate crying over babies ever time I see them, every fucking time could so do without the crying and the knowing that it's going to be years and years and years before I can have one of my own if at all. That's it, that's all I have to say stupid baby crap.

Curse

So I realize that I am not being fair in all of this, I want us all to be happy and yet I get all dramatic when one of us is less then thrilled. I just really did not want to be in this place right now, I wanted things to stay good we had final gotten over all the big money crap. Yuck. My family jokes about this curse we have, we call it the Benoit curse it’s named after my mother’s father side of the family. The joke is that where every one of us (one of us being my direct family) goes the curse follows bringing bad things in it’s wake. We joke about it because we know bad stuff happens all the time and that it’s no fault of ours but right now it really feels like it is my fault. I come in to their perfectly put together life, they have a great setup they are starting to save money and think about buying a house all those things a couple does. Then I give them all new bills to deal with, jealousy, stress and it feels like I really just cause ruin.

Rob keeps telling me that it’s just the fact that this is like a new relationship and that during the start of all relationships you always have to go thru this stuff. I just can’t seem to get past the fact that I am just a big chore. I’m not leaving I just won’t, I just hate that it has to be this hard. I really picked a hard relationship to be in, I could have gone with a couple who was already into this kind off thing sharing and all that but NOOOOO I had to choose someone who’s wife can’t even comprehend kissing someone else let alone loving someone else. I know I whine but I love Rob I really don’t want another couple, even if this is hard. I hope things get better I don’t want to be waiting forever, I want this to be a till the end of our days thing so I hope Heather can decide if that is what she wants to because I really don’t want to go anywhere.

I have to chill a little, we have not even been at this for a year yet and I expect perfection. Most relationships don’t even get serious until a year has gone by, I have to remember that things may have been going on longer with Rob and I but Heather has really only be dealing with this since July. Well this little Pony is just going to raine herself in and let life come, we will get there we just need to take a little more time walking not running.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

So here I am thinking everything is going great, we all seem happy life has really started to hit it's grove, the big bills are behind us and we seemed to be taking some slow steps forward. Then Heather says see is feeling too jealous and that it's very hard for her to deal with that, she goes so far as to say that if it gets to bad she will leave so we can be happy together. The whole martyr syndrome, I hate to call it that but I have done that myself in the past so that is what it truly is. I knew this was not going to be easy, one step at a time, feeling as we go but I have to be honest at least to myself and say I am frustrated.

Rob and I have finally gotten our night together a few weeks ago and since then we have had two more. We where going for an every Friday sort of thing, just until Heather was comfortable and ready to give us some more time. Now Rob wants us to take some steps back, be less loving in public, not as much affection, I recommended maybe we should cut off Friday's all together for right now. What gets me about this is that it feels like we have already been going at this in a snails pace and now we have to slow it down even more. I am not being fair the rule in Poly is you have to go as fast as the slowest person but I can't help it. I fell like at some point you just have to say your going to live with it or don't that simple. I would hate for Heather to say she could no longer deal with it and she wanted me to leave but it would be better then this axe always hanging over my head. Right now I never know when it could happen and really it's scary enough in a new relationship to put your self completely in to loving a person and now I have this to think about. I'm afraid to give my whole heart if I have to worry about it being throw back in my face at any time.

I don't know what else to do, I will cut back give her the time and support that she needs. But this brings back a lot of fear for me and I don't know really what I am going to do about it, I guess the only think I can do deal, I have really fallen to deep into this really settled my heart on it. If it falls I fall too and I will have to just pick up the pieces and hope that I have not lost to many of them.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Somewhat at a Lose

So I am sort of at a lose here, things have been going well like really well. This last Friday Rob and I finally got our first night together, it was so nice having someone sleeping beside me again. I would roll over and be able to reach my hand out and touch him and hear his happy little sighs. Last night I was moving in my bed and I though oh man I pulled the blankets off of Rob when I looked I realized that he was not there, it only took me one night to start thinking like a women in a relationship. Now I am just waiting to find out if this is going to be a every week thing or if I am going to be waiting months again before I get to sleep with him again.

The next great thing that is happening in my life is Heather and I have joined a gym. To some this may not seem like such a good thing, but for me it's great. I am so ready to be healthy and thiner, I really feel like I am going to stick with it this time and that I am going to reach my goal. Going gives me a sense of confidence and pride, I really feel like I am finally doing something to help myself.

I am frustrated about one thing thought, I love Rob but sometimes he can be so callous. He is so loving towards me and Heather, he works so hard to make us both happy and deals with a lot of shit because of it. I just can't understand why he can't be that way with his friends too, sometimes he could really care less how other people feel. What bothers me is that this is one of the things I really hated about Dave, I tend to be a caring person and it drives me nuts to have to clean up the messes that are made because of it. I really like all my friends and I want them to be happy and when the person I am with treats them crappy I don't know what to do. No one is perfect I understand that and maybe he really did not mean to be callous, maybe he just got mad because I was bringing it up a lot and said he did not care but I just don't know. The problem I am having is I don't know if I really want to deal with this again, I hated that Dave was like that I was happy that I was done with that. Ug I don't know I think I am just going to have to deal with it for right now I am new with him maybe it won't be as bad as Dave and I can learn the best way to talk to him about it.

Well I am going to go to bed now so sleepy, love to all and happiness in all your lives.