Sometimes

Sometimes it takes completely breaking down and crying as if there is nothing left for you to finally find your way.  I honestly did not know what to do anymore and I just had to let it out and hope everything came out for the best. It really hurt but I think thinks might be starting to look up again. I never dreamed that we would get to a place like that but I think the miscarriage threw us off our grove and left both of us in place where we felt out of control.  We just took different ways of trying to get control and freedom from our scary reality.

I have no idea what is going to happen now but I feel better, and even if its only a little better it tells me that there is an end to this tunnel of crap and I can reach it.  Poly is a scary thing people and I believe that honesty is the most important thing no matter what.  Honesty about everything not just the relationships your in, how your feeling, what you can handle EVERYTHING. Without it things will never work and everyone just gets hurt. I want my life to be more like that from now on it will take some doing but we have gone thru a lot in the last 6 years we can do this too.

Truth For Myself

So much has been beating down on me and I have been just letting it happen, I have let it steam roll me. I need to stand up and say how I feel and take control of my speeding car of a life. I love Rob with all of my heart but I need to be honest with him, we need to sit down and figure out where our life is going and how to get there happily. I need him to be more honest with me and I need to be more honest with him otherwise we are going to lose in this relationship game. I don’t want to lose what we have, the openness and the freedom of how we talk to each other. My heart would break if we had to separate but I am no longer going to sacrifice my happiness and my self worth to save it. If I don’t speak for myself I will just become a shadow of myself here with Rob but not really a person. I have been fading away lately and I have not liked how that has been feeling I am not ready to let this happen to myself.

I need to loss weight I am sick of being this fat girl, sick of being slow and out of breath. I need to care about myself and the people around me and actually make an effort to get this weight off of me. I have a lovely body and a beautiful face I’m sick of hiding it beneath all this fat. Truly that is what I am doing too; I’m hiding it because for some reason I feel like I deserve to be like this. I need to see myself as worthy to be thin and healthy; I want to feel like a real person.

I am going to change and our relationship is going to change, I know that this might not be easy but we need to become better. I need to make myself into the best person I can be. I need to except what I have and make it better, stop being sad about it and show what I can do with what it. If I can do this I know that I can be happy and that I can shine again, I can be the happy person I was and make all the people around me a little happier because of it.

Lies

I hate lies they make me crazy.  I am not perfect and have told my own lies in the past but I feel like I have done my best to turn over a new leaf.  Almost all of my past boyfriends (ex-husband) have lied to me.  My first boyfriend was dating another girl while he was dating me and I had to find out when she came to my lunch table at school and wanted to fight for him.  I told her she could have him and laughed about it, why the hell would I want to fight for him.  My ex-husband told me a ton of lies about his past and I eat it up until he finally told me the truth, and I forgave him.

What would you do if someone kept lying to you, do you keep taking it or do you finally take a stand and do something that tells them that its not ok to use you?

I hate when someone try's to make me feel like there is something wrong with me.

Let it out

I think I get why people do crazy and stupid things sometimes.  Like getting a really drastic hair cut or sleeping with some random person at a bar.  Or stealing a car for a joyride.  I think people do it to try to get out some pain or angry that is deep inside of them.  Something they just can't seem to handle and need some way to let it out even if they have to burn it out.  I also think it has some roots in controlling something in their life.  They can't control the other crappy things that are happening in their life but at least they can control this moment.

I have never wanted to be crazy or dumb but I will say that it does feel like I need to do something to deal with these feelings that keep building inside.  I need to find a way to let all of this out or I am going to explode.  

In One Of Those Movies

I feel like I am in one of those movies where everything is going wrong and the main characters are trying to do there best to fix it but it ends up not working.  Like the girl starts dating the guy to make the other guy jealous and she finally gets the guy but realizes that she is now in love with the fake boyfriend but now it's to late.  Or the couple who gets pregnant to fix their marriage but it only makes it worse.  Or the friends who accidentally kill some one and instead of telling someone they hide it and end up paying for it with their lives.

Thats how I feel right now like everything is going wrong and I am doing my best to make it better and make the best of it but I'm just going to get screwed in the end anyways. How do you fix that what can you honestly do but smile and bear it and hope everything does work out in the end, maybe I can get one of those romantic comedy endings instead.  I should be so lucky huh.

Empty Space

So much has happened lately and it really has made me think about how I am feeling about everything in my life.  I feel like I have lost myself somewhere in the last year or two, I don't know who I am.  At work I do a job just so I can make money, I have no idea what I am going to be doing in 10 years I have no ambition.  I tried to think of what my career goals are and I have none, there is nothing that I dream of doing.  I used to think I wanted to train but now I see how stressed out and unhappy our trainers are and I just don't think I want that.

At home I just feel lost and rundown.  I started taking singing lessons and for awhile it really made me feel good but I realized I was never going to do anything with it, I was not going to join a choir, do a play or sing with a group.  I had no drive to do anything, I am to scared and make excuses as to why I can't make the time.  I feel like a big empty space right now. I get to leave the house to hang out with friends maybe twice a month and I honestly have no drive to push for more time.  I'm so trapped and its my own doing I have given up trying to get out.

I watch other people experiencing life and I am so envious of them, I want the freedom to do what they do. Most of all I wish that I could be selfish and not care what will happen to the people around me if I make a bad choice and just do something that will make me happy.  I would love to throw my worries and responsibilities out the window and just follow a fun fling so that I feel special damn the consequences. But I am not going to do any of those things I am going to sit and cry and just feel worthless.

I need to stop feeling and acting like a teenage and act my age.  Choose my goals, find my friends again and not lean so heavily on the one think in my life that I thought was the most important. I need to figure out what I want and then kick myself in the ass.

WWE

So one of my secret loves is WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) Rob reinterduced me to it and I am so happy he did. I love the comedy of it and the difficulty because it really a difficult sport.  These guys have to put on a show while they are getting the poop beat out of them.  It is truly something that makes my Monday nights a joy.

Tonight one of the semi-retired wrestlers and commentator Jerry Lawler passed out at ring side, now they do a lot of fake Injuries on the show but this was real. I truly hope that he is ok he has had such a great career and is such an interesting person.  I send my thoughts to him and good wishes to him.

Coming Back From Failure

The last couple of weeks have been really hard for me in a lot of different area's of my life.  I have felt like a failure in so many ways. At my work I was demoted back to the phones after being a couch for 2 years, because of my attendance issues.  When it comes to illnesses for Ellie I am the one that has to stay home and if some one has to go get Ellie from daycare for some reason that is me as well. Rob makes a lot more then I do so my job is really the one that has to suffer. It's not really his fault because his job is really more important but it sucks that I am now stuck back on the phones. So this just makes me feel like I am a failure when it comes to my career.

Then I had a miscarriage and all I can say about that is it make me feel like a failure as a women even thoug I know it is not the truth.  I just feel like I can't do anything well, I want to do something well.

Right now I am really just trying to focus on the things I can control like being a good mom for Ellie and a good partner for Rob. Seeing Ellie and loving her with all my heart has really helped me with some of it, her little voice and happy smile is everything.

I want to get past the random crying for no reason and the anxiety about my life changing.  I want to have some stability in my life since nothing else seems to want to be stable for me, but I can't even have that.  It seems like everything just keeps hammering at me, one thing after another.  I want to come back from this failure not nesicarly as a winner but at least on an even keel. I need something good to happen for me I need someone or something to cut me a break and help me get back on my feet. I am just so tired, I know I can get there I am just so tired of all the crap that keeps getting thrown at me.

What Hurts

I’m just hurt and sad. I always though we had a pretty honest relationship and I just feel so hurt. Hurt because he feels like he has to lie and sad because he did. When I asked him to be honest about it he still lied to me and then asked me why I did not trust him. It made me so upset that he tried to pin it on me and make me feel bad.

Honestly the madness has really faded for me and now I am just really sad. I never wanted to be here, I wanted him to always feel like he could tell me everything. I try not to look at everything as if it is a one way street, so I wonder if this is something that I may have caused. Its very possible that he is the one to blame in this and he just does not want to be honest but it’s just as possible that I may have made him feel like he can not be honest with me for something’s.

I am so tired with everything that has happened to me in the last couple of months and I just don’t think I have it in me to deal with this.