Sex, the dark and moving day.

So things are coming up pretty fast and I am surprised how nervous I am. Heather's parents are leaving on the 2nd of December and when they do I am going to be moving into their bed room. Which is good in a lot of ways it will get me off the couch and out of the scary basement. For the last couple of nights I have had a very hard time sleeping, it's very very dark when the lights are out and sadly I am very scared of the dark. My imagination is good I can very easily picture all the dark and scary things in the basement waiting to get me. Most nights I can block it out make my mind think sanely but from time to time no amount of me telling myself nothing is there will do it, like now. So coming up stairs will really help that.

Of course the next nice thing will be that it will be time to talk about sleep arrangements and really start to get things going with this relationship. Of course what comes with a two people sleeping together who are not relatives, snuggles, spooning, sleeping and oh of course sex. The big sex word and the big talk that is going to go along with it. I am going to the doctor in a few days to get blood work done which should help settle things then we should have a yellow light. We are still going to have to do a tiny bit more for the green but I am hoping that it will go as smoothly as it can considering. I want more then anything for this not to hurt anyone but I know this is not going to be clean and nice we are going to have to get over some major hurdles but I know we can do it I know we can.

Time is quickly marching along soon I think I can have this Divorce done and then I am free to truly just be. We will still have to work with everyones families which is going to be a little weird. Mine is easy they know and even thought they were a little confused at first they really just want me to be happy, the only funny thing I got was my dads comment "Why does he get to have his cake and eat it to...... WITH my daughter." It was great.

Then we will have to tell his family, I think it will be a shock to them but I am hoping from what he said that it will be ok eventually. As for her I don't know I don't think her family will ever understand, maybe one or two members but on the whole I fear bad bad things. I don't know if we are ever going to tell them I don't want her to lose her family she really loves them so much, she needs them in her life. Ah the choices that must be made in ones life, hard and not always as clearcut as we would like them to be.

For right now I am just going to be happy that moving day is coming up and that I will finally get to sleep in a real bed hopefully with a warm happy body next to me, not every night mind you but one or two right now is very much fine with me.

Music

Music for me holds something I can only begin to understand. When I hear great music it always tends to bring out strong emotions in me. During movie moments or just when I sit and listen in my car and let my mind wonder to all the things that are going on in my life. It can make me happy and in just a moments time I can find my self drawn to tears.

Sometimes all I want to do is spend my day sitting in a comfortable chair with a great book and music playing in the background. I remember days, I mean whole days as a young teen just curled up reading and listening to my mothers Madonna tape, and my dad’s Beetles, Yes, The Who and any number of other 70’s and 80’s bands.

My life is full of music I sing to it all day long if I am not singing I am humming the last thing I heard or remember. I have I would say at least 50 songs memorized in my brain if not more, and hundreds more that I can remember by hearing. Sometimes I wish that I could do something with my voice like take lessons or sing in a choir. Oh to sing in a choir again would be heaven, when you are in a truly good group it really is like heaven. I used to take lessons at school but nothing truly professional, I don’t want to boost but I think I am pretty good but I think I could be great if I had lessons.

I could go on and on forever on this subject, it interests me to no end especially because of the feelings it gives me. My heart bursts with the power of it, nothing else that is so sensory can move me so strongly. For now I am going to leave it where it is, I need to rest and try to put more of this is to view for myself.

Days

So days are pretty relaxed now, not what I expected but relaxed. I go to work and train yippee, then I come home jump into my PJ's and read or watch TV. Some days we do chores, or fun group activities like watch a movie together, make outfits for Dag, or just sit and chit chat while Heather makes dinner. It's all very relaxed actually I enjoy the whole just being with one another, I am trying very hard to try to not be so needy.

I am good at keeping myself busy but when I am with someone in a relationship that is I tend to be very lovey, not clingy really just lovey. I need to learn to back of a little and let us all settle into each other but I find it takes me sometime to do that, since in general I tend to be a very touchy person.

What I wanted most at this point was to be in a different place, I wanted to really be living out my new relationship in complete freedom but we have had to put that on hold. Heather's parents where supposed to have gone to Florida by now so that we could start to see if we can really all live with each other in every way but they have not left yet, and it is looking more and more like they will not be leaving at all! I don't want to go thru the whole winter like this and then move in with them in the spring and find out that this is not going to work. This was supposed to be the test period the time we used to see if we could handle all of this but now it's looking like this is going to be a sink or swim situation and I really don't like that. Parts of this are going really great and I mean that really great but other parts have not even been addressed and until they leave I do not think that it is going to happen. Yuck!

The Holidays are coming and I am really excited about that the first year I get to spend here. I am going to really miss my family thought they are all very sad that I can not come to the holiday's. I am trying to work out a way that I can still see them all even if it is not on the actual holiday. I am a little sad about that because it is going to be another one of those holiday's where I will be all by myself where everyone else has someone, I have someone but they can't really come with me to hard to explain to my grandparents. My parents know everything and are very cool and loving which is nice but I think my grandparents would just die. Oh well I hope I can figure something out I really do want to see them, and still spend this holiday with my new family too. Yuck again!

Well I am off to watch some Heroes which I got for my birthday so BYE!!!

Birthday

So today is my birthday and it was really great, I hung out with some of my friends and my loves and they made me feel so happy. Heather got me a normal ice cream cake and a pumpkin pie ice cream cake, it was amazing it tasted just like pumpkin pie it was heavenly. I also got some very nice gifts from everyone I was so surprised by how nice they all where, it was the best birthday I have had for a while.

Now to the dumbness, when the night started to move on I started to think about how badly I wanted to go to bed with my love but of course I could not. I just started to get sad I was trying really hard not to it was such a nice day but I was failing pretty bad. There are good reasons I can't be with the one I love but it does not mean that I don't want it, I really just want to stop winning about it. So after everyone went to bed I found my self sobbing uncontrollably which ether makes me feel a whole lot better or a whole lot worse. This time I just felt kind of quite almost accepting, I also felt like writing. All this trying on my part to stop getting so upset about this stuff, trying to look at the good and what I do have it's just not enough. Sometimes I just have to cry it's the only way I can truly let myself feel sometimes and I need to let myself, I used to hold it all in then like once a month my sister and I would argue for like an hour. We would cry and ramble and yell at one another but by the end we would just feel so much happier and like we had gotten every thing out and fixed.

As much as I hate crying especially sobbing I see the point in it, and all in all this day was an amazing day. SOOO I am going to let things go, take a breath and go to bed, things will be brighter in the morning I know it and I will have nice dreams about the day I had.

Baby Bug

So the baby bug has bitten me pretty bad lately, I dream about them, I see them everywhere, and I can't stop thinking about them. For right now I am just going to post how I feel, I will post facts later in this message.

I long for a baby, seriously so. I ache, every time a see a father playing with his son or a mother holding her baby it makes me tear up. I mean every time, I can't be walking by with out trying to rush so they don't see the creepy longing look I have. When I hold my sisters baby I just glory in the scent of her, the sweet feel of her skin, the amazing noises she makes. The worst part is that I almost feel like she is partly mine since my sister and I are identical twins which makes our DNA the same. My heart skips a beat when I see her smile and I think of the days I will get to spend with her as she grows up *sniffle*. Griffin is another hardship for me, he is such an amazing little boy I love when he brings me a book and sits in my lap so I can read it to him. I just play with his cute toddler hair and read to him as I remember him as a baby. I used to hold him and sing to him when he was so tiny, I remember when he feel asleep on my chest and I wanted to lay like that forever.

So many years have gone by for me and I have longed for a child for so long. I told my husband that we would wait 2 years after getting married then we would start trying for a child, we got married in 2003. 2005 came and went no trying for a baby my husband had no job and we where living with my parents, 2006 no baby still no job and living with parents. My husband promised that when he got a job or an apartment we would start to try, got a job and an apartment still no baby. He told me he wanted to wait for a little longer,2007 then the big D and all thoughts of baby flew out the window. I will say one of my big sticking points for maybe staying was the possibility of a baby, but in the end that was not enough to make me stay.

I yearn for a baby so much I dream of them constantly, mainly its me searching for a baby I know is mine but can't find it's really hard to deal with the damn dreams. I have wanted children since I was 18 and I have thought about them on and off all along so many different paths could have led me to them but I have always chosen a different one.

Now for annoying reality, I know I have lots of time I am only just going to be 26 so I have time to spare. My life is really not set up for a baby right now, I have no real home, I am still not divorced and most important of all the new relationship that I am in is really not equipped to deal with it right now. Really I need the time to settle in an really make sure everything is ok before I move forward.

BUUUUUUUUT try and tell my brain and heart that, you will have about as much luck as I do. All I can think is that its probably going to be a least another 2 years before I can even think of starting to try and I will be 28 then the trying. It is not going to be easy for me to have kids I know already, I have weird cycles and my twin sister was the same as me her husband and her tried for three years and just had a baby. So lets say three years of trying now I'm 31, then I want two kids so if we start right away say another three years now I'm 34. I know I have to wait but thinking of all that time kills me, a little piece of me dies when I see friends and family get pregnant and I am still just staring after them longly.

I really don't know what to say I hope this bug leaves me soon because I really don't think I can handle all this sucky wanting, I have to deal with it and honestly sometimes I don't want to.