Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Poems

Sweet kisses with lingering passion
Hands moving on clothing, hard and searching
Eyes of hazel burning with fire
Fingers of infinite knowledge tease and taunt
Glasses bumping together with silly laughter
Warm lips with a searing hot tongue
Superior height granting weak knees
Deep thrusts leading to everlasting heights


Lingering in my heart
Feeling of bodies pressing
Tingling lips and hard nipples
Shacking legs, silent moans
Spreading heat
Tears
Not expecting love
Shadow feeling of burning passion
Aches


Just some poems that I wrote that I found floating around thought I would post them here. Hope you guys enjoy.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Manners

I don't know about everyone else but manners are pretty important to me. Now I mean the normal stuff like please and thank you, but I also mean some manners that not everyone thinks of.

I am neurotic about making sure that I say thanks to anyone who helps me in some way. I think that some waiters have wanted to shoot me for all my please and thank you as dinner moves on. But my parents where so big on the making sure that my siblings and I where polite to the T.

Also as time goes by I have come up with my own set of rules when it comes to everyday things. If I am waiting for the bus and someone else was waiting before me, they get to get on first, anyone who came after me goes after me. When I am on the bus if someone is older then me, pregnant, with kids, injured in some way or looks just plan beat they get my seat. If you are younger then me or the same age you get to fight it out sorry. Then there is the bathroom oh this drives me mad. I hate when I go into a bathroom with say 12 stalls and I sit at the very last stall and all the rest are empty and someone comes in and sits right next to my stall. Why, are you lonely do you need to sit next to someone to pee I just don’t understand it. I try to put at least one stall between me and someone else if I can at all help it, it just seems like the thing to do.

I also don't get people who yell at customer service reps whether they be over the phone or at a fast food restaurant. Just because it's there job to smile and make your food does not mean you have the right to treat them like they are below you. If something is wrong with your food, be polite ask them nicely to fix it don't scream that they are stupid and don't know what they are doing. You have no idea of what power they have over you and your food, please for your sake and there’s, don't make them mad.

Maybe I'm a little nuts when it comes to what is right and wrong but I would rather be over polite then under and hurt someone’s feelings.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Adult


Being an adult can be so hard and yet so simple at the same time. Life in general is hard you have to make hard choices everyday. But in the end the choice is yours which is why it is so hard. When you’re a kid everyone else makes the big choices for you, all you have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride. Now this is not always easy because some times the people making these choices don't always do the right thing for you.

I find that I make a lot of mistakes in my life, bad choices. I have hurt people I love and myself with these decisions but in the end I have learned from them. Some of the things I have learned the most from are the things that have hurt the most. I love my life and the people in it but I keep doing thing that are bad and could hurt others.

Love, now that's a hard thing. Love is so complicated; you really can't chose who you love. You can chose who you end up with, but you can go on loving someone you may never see again. My first love in my life I still love to this day, its different then when I first loved him but it's there. I don't want to leave my husband or anything because of it but I will always hold that love in my heart, and it will always ache a little for him. Sometimes I wish you could be with more then one person at once but the general populace looks on that badly. As much as I want to not care what other people think you can't help it, you live in this world you have to deal with these people everyday.

Love can be fast and hard, that is how it has mostly been for me. I know when I saw the person I loved them and wanted them. I did everything I could to get them I never wavered, I can be very determined if I have to be. My husband I liked him and I made it clear to him I did, I was only 18 and he was 32 but that did not matter to me. I talked to him and hung around with him, I was the first to touch his hand the first to kiss him. I was always the one taking the first steps making the first move, and I hate it. I want to be grabbed and kissed, I want to not have to make that choice but that seems to be my lot in life. Now love can also come slow and sneaky, coming at you when you least expect it. You can be with a person for years as friends just talking and really enjoying their company and maybe you will even become serious in the sense of intimacy but love is not there. Then one day you look at that person and you realize that you love them, and it digs into you holding you hostage. How could it sneak up on you like that, then you realizes that it has always been there but it was hidden by you. You did not want to love that person for some reason but in the end love won out. It's not always in your best benefit to love this person but you do. Now this has not happened to me but I have so many friends that have had this happen and it usually ends badly not always but usually.

I guess life as a grownup can be a gamble you just have to choose where to stand and make your bets and hope that you made the right decision.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Winter


Winter in a lot of ways is my least favorite season. Living where I live the snow can really pile up and make your life a misery, I also hate the cold air and the stupid drivers that come with the snow.

But winter can be beautiful and magically as well and that's what ends up saving it for me. I remember many winter days playing with my sister and brother in the snow, building snow men or just fooling around. As I grew older I remember winter days spent walking with my boyfriend holding his gloved hand, seeing the frosted trees and kissing under a cool moon. Now as an adult winter holds a new place for me a time of indoor play and nights wrapped in a blanket with my husband watching the snow fall outside the window.

Christmas also makes winter special to me. When I was a kid on the first of December my family would put up the tree and when we where all done we would turn all the lights off except for the tree and we would sit around and listen to Christmas music and watch the lights. It was a good time for me, my family was always happy during the holiday season. Even if we had no money my mom would always make sure to make us something so we would have something under the tree on Christmas day.

All and all I guess winter holds special memories for me and in that way it ends up being my favorite season of all.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Sex

First off this post is going to go into some pretty in-depth detail about my sex life so if you don't want to know don't read it. Second I have nowhere else to write it so it's going up, deal.

I guess I have to start with my husband I love him but when it comes to sex he pretty much bores me. When we first started going out I was 18 and he was 32 and sex was great, we did all sorts of things. I have a little bit of a submissive and bondage fetish so I got to really explore that with him, which was part of the reason I really liked him. I used to have bruises all over from the bites he would give me and I even got in to choking a little too. I was 18 not even in the prime of my sexuality and I could have easily had sex 3 or 4 times a day if not more.

Now my sex life sucks, and it mainly has to do with my husband. Basically after the first year and a half of us going out it all started to go down hill, I can't blame him at first things where stressful and that sort of got him down and he was getting older as well. But getting older will affect you stamina it should not affect the way you have sex. No more choking, no more biting, I am lucky if I get some nipple tweaking that is his idea of foreplay. I think the kissing is the worst part, I love to kiss I mean I really love to kiss. With my husband kissing is just plan blah, 9 times out of 10 kissing is a peck on the lips. I understand this when you are around your friends you can't go making out but when we are in bed together I expect something more, and I don't get it. I miss the oh so gentle press of lips, the sweet longing as your lips part and a tip of tongue is thrust forward. I want that god damn it and I think I should be able to have that. With sex it's self the stamina has defiantly gone down. I have trained my self to cum quickly otherwise I don't get too, and the only position I get now is on top. Don’t get me wrong that's great but it basically means he has to do no work at all.

Last but not least the oral part, I get to do that a lot. Because mainly that’s all my husband wants and I just don't know how to say I really don't want to. Partially it's my fault because I sort of pride myself on being good at it and I made it clear that I would love doing it. Now I basically try to do the best I can well being as quick as I can to get it over with.

I feel bad complaining about my husband like this but I just don't know what else to say. In other ways he makes me really happy. He makes me really laugh which I rarely do and snuggling with him is like a wonderful dream. Our likes are a lot of the same things as well as our dislikes which makes our life nice. I don't think I could live with out him, he just is a part of my life I need. I just wish the sex part of our life could be better, because I don't know what the hell I'm going to do when I'm in my thirties and forties and at my sexual peak and he will be in his sixties and seventies. Thank god for Viagra.

Now I also love sex with girls, I have not gotten to really play with that to much but what little I have gotten to do have been great. I love kissing girls it's like silk on silk, soft lips meeting and tasting sweet nothing. I have always loved the female form and its lovely curves and fullness; I am one for meat on the bone. Venus was not a super model she was a lovely plumb goddess of soft hips, breasts and tummy chub. God I could go on and on forever on the things I would like to do with a girl but I don't think everyone needs to hear that. I would love more then anything to get more into the world of girl on girl but I have to tell you that can be so hard. I have to find someone my husband will like and she can't spend too much time on me or he will get jealous. I can't get to pissed I chose to get married and I would never go back I love my life I just miss some of the chances I don't get.

Oh well that's it for now who knows I will probably post about this again at some point, it's a subject that comes up a lot I guess.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Simple

I am really good at making my life complicated, why can't I just be happy with simple. I want to make sure that everyone is happy that I care about and in some ways that can hurt me. I love my husband lots but I know he likes different things so when he asks me can he do something I say sure I don't mind. At first I don't mind but then all I can think about is how complicated can this get will I have to deal with issues down the line, and I basically freak myself out. I don't mind harmless fun but when things become more serious like guy and girl all the way serious it can get tangled.

It really is a lot of my fault because if I really do not like it I should say so, but it is his fault too. A friend of mine tried to help and I think I may have crushed a nicely budding friendship with her because of this crap.

I have talked this thought with my husband and we have some new rules that we have agreed on and I think we are both a lot happier. I just needed to be more honest and he needed to not be so pushy, I hope that this will have cleared things up. I am happy I have somewhere to post this stuff otherwise I think I would go mad.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Dreams


I love dreams all my life I have wandered their twisted halls in wonder. Many of my dreams are like paintings, textured but colorful. Full of visions from my life but with amazing landscapes unimagined in the real world. The kinds of dreams I find the most interesting are my futures dreams. Since I was a child I have had dreams of the future nothing amazing like lotto numbers or who will become president but small moments in my life. Sometimes a week will go by before I see the image from my dream sometimes years. The moment that proved to me this was real was at my high school graduation when my class was practicing for the processional and one of the kids got kicked out for cutting up. I was stunned I remembered this scene clearly from a dream I had had years ago, I turned to my twin sister and saw the same look on her face she had had the same dream.

My favorite dreams are the dreams where I am kissing someone. Sometimes it's me that’s doing the kissing and sometimes I am someone else being kissed. The dreams are always so intense and real I feel a sense of loss when I wake up and I am no longer kissing that person. These dreams really get me especially when I dream about someone I know.

Go dream, meander thought the hills and sweet shadows of dreaming and find a mystery.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Threadless

I forgot I wanted to post about this cool new website I found for T-shirts. I love the cool pictures they have and I have bought two shirts from them already. They have a sale right now until Christmas for $10 T-shirts and there not the crappy kind that most sites throw at you for $10.

I guess I wanted to post about this because T-shirts play a big part in the geeky world I live in. Everyone wears their shirts and it gives away a little of their personality and style. I love it, I hope you guys like the site. I have a link to Threadless under my links go look have fun.

Flirt




I love to flirt, with everyone guy and girl alike. Well not everyone if I can tell they are not receptive I don't. I even flirt with friends I know are totally straight. I think one of the best things about being really close to a friend is being able to flirt with them comfortably.

I have always been really sexual and when I realized that I liked both guys and girls the world was like a candy store. I have always felt a little out of place thought since when I was growing up I always thought I was so huge even thought I was not. The problem was that all the girls in my school where so much smaller not just in weight but small frames and short. I was always tall and large in the shoulders and basically everywhere else. I was thin I did not start to get chubby until senior year when I got my first boyfriend I just thought I was bigger because of how much smaller they all where.

Things are better now for me because I am more comfortable in my skin and with the way I look. I don't care if I'm chubby I work with what I have which is a happy attitude and a friendly flirty smile. Like I said I love flirting it makes me fell good when people flirt back and I can tell they like me. I don't try to lead people on thought since I don't think that’s really fair. My married relationship is a little on the free side so it's ok if I flirt and with my husbands permission I can even do a little more. I try not to go crazy and to be honest since I have been married I have never had the opportunity to do more but its still fun. Right now there are only one or two people in my friend group that I would like to do more then flirt with buuuuuuttttt, with things being the way they are that can be iffy. Oh well at least I can still flirt.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Secrets

I have a secret, a happy one that I am dying to tell people. I am not supposed to tell anyone but I will tell you guys because I know you can keep a secret. I just found out a few days ago that my twin sister Sara is pregnant. I am sooooooo happy for her; she and her husband have been trying for three years. They where so surprised because Sara was feeling very tired and emotional and she did not know what was going on. When my sister and I where 17 she got very sick and lost the function of both of her kidneys. When we where 19 I gave her one of my kidneys, she has been fairly healthy since then, but when she started to fell funny about a week ago she was worried. Her husband told her to take the pregnancy test, at first she did not want to because she has taken so many in the past and they have always come back negative. This one did not, one more home test and a doctor’s test and she was finally sure enough to tell us all.

I can not even tell you how happy I am for her; she is my twin a piece of my soul and heart is always with her. But I find myself being jealous of her and I hate myself for it. I want so badly to have children and right now my husband wants me to wait for health reasons but I can't help thinking that maybe he just does not want any. I wish things where easier that I could just be happy for her with out this small amount of guilt. I am happy that I at least got to tell some of you how I feel and the good news. Thanks for listening.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

All Hallows Eve


The night the dead and sprits walk the earth, I love it. Halloween is the best holiday ever, I get to dress up anyway I want and it's in my favorite season of the year. I love the crunch of the leaves the smell of the chimney smoke and the slight bite of chill in the air. Then add to that people running around as ghost, goblins and other cool things and you have a perfect holiday. I just wish I could go out and enjoy it more, I being an adult can not really do so. As an adult you can go to a bar or a party but other then that walking around in a costume is considered silly. Maybe some day I will have kids and then I can run around with my silly monkeys and have a blast again.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Heroes


I have been watching this new TV show Heroes and I really love it, it just makes me think of all the things I wish I could do.

I would love to have the power to tell if someone is lying and then to be able to make them tell the truth. We would no longer need courts I could just talk to them to now the truth, lying is important sometimes but not when it comes to killing or other horrible things. I would also love to fly; it would be great to be able to go to places without using gas and to feel the wind and to see the beautiful sky. But I think most people want to fly for one reason or another. I think my last would be not a real power but to be able to live till I'm like 100 and never look or feel any older then 25. I still want to die because I have no wish to live forever I think I would get bored, but I don't want to loss my mind and function of my body. I want to just keel over someday ripe, strong and still all there.

I think that’s about it I just think it would be neat if everyone had some secret little power.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

The 90


Well I had a very interesting Friday the 13th, I spent it trapped on route 90 in Buffalo New York. I don't know if everyone heard about it but there was a very big storm in western NY which really sucked. About 350 thousand people are left without electricity, plus trees are everywhere having been knocked out by pounds of snow. By Friday afternoon I did finally escape the 90 but only after being rescued by some very nice Amish guys. They came and dug my car out of the snow as well as several other people's car. So far a lot of people still don't have electricity and a whole bunch of damage was done to the trees in Buffalo. Hopeful all the electricity should be on by the end of the week, but I think it will take a lot longer for Buffalo to recover from this it was pretty devastating.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Gaming





I have been thinking about gaming a lot lately. I love the games we play in our group and the characters we create, but I fell something is lacking sometimes. All the people in my group love to play but not many love to run a game. It would like very much if we had someone in our group who liked to just GM. I guess it's not so bad especially with the game we are playing now, Ptolus which is going to be a long term think. I would be nice thought not to have to figure out every time who is going to run, most times the person who runs only does it for a little while then they quit.

The group we have is great thought. Rob is a very detailed gamer with a high knowledge of rules and how to tweak his characters. He is big on action not so much on role-play. Heather Rob's wife is a great role-player and a very energetic gamer for the first 4 or 5 hours. At around the 5th or 6th hour she generally falls asleep but that's not her fault she has a lot on her home plate. Dave my husband is a good mix he likes role-play and action, he has a tendency to want to be the center of the action thought which can be annoying sometimes. He usually has great character background and in depth plot. Megan is new to gaming but had come along fairly well, she keeps track of all our adventures in written form which is neat. Her only downfall is that her characters tend to be one dimensional and pretty much the same personality every time. Matlock is funny and smart with his role-play he can be a bit crass sometimes but most of the time he is not to bad. He is newest to our group and tends to come and go some of the time. Autumn has been gaming for awhile so her characters tend to be well thought out and pretty cool to deal with. She loves the role-play parts but can get frustrated when we take forever to figure something out (which I can totally understand sometimes). Eric her husband is very detail oriented he runs most of our games right now and is freakin great at it. As a player he is also a good mix of action and role-play, his characters are always interesting. Last but not least me, I love the role-play but lately I have really started to like kicking some butt. I think I am good about making my characters but my one issue is I get distracted really easily so if nothing is going on with my character I tend to wander away.

Well that is my group in a nutshell, I think we work together pretty well but I guess time will only tell. Mwhahahahahahahahahaahaha.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Driving

Because of where I am living now I have an hour and 15 min ride to work which gives me a long time to think about things. Like how pretty the trees are, I wonder where that guy is driving to so fast, should I call my sister tonight? Things like that. I just wonder what the other people are thinking as they are driving to there job or home or where ever.

My week is broken up into segment’s work, gaming, Sunday(day off). Then my day is broken up it to segments home, driving, work, driving, home. Finally my work is broken up into segments start work, first break(first quarter), work, lunch(halfway), work, break(last quarter), end of work. Sometimes I hate that I just want to throw it all off and go crazy, but it's day in day out of segments. When I drive this is what I think of. I also make up stories, and silly romances. Most of all I dream about things I want to do in my life, little things, and big things.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Wood Floor, Bare Feet

I am so happy I am now in my new apartment, I have no furniture but I am in my new place. I love the feeling of a new place, everything is new and interesting. The feeling of the hard wood floor as I walk across it with my bare feet, the new fridge and shiny new stove, the light of sun coming thought the windows.

Things have been so hard the last couple of years, my husband and I had only been married for a little under a year when he lost his job. The stress of trying to find a new place because the place we where living in was too much for our means was horrible. Then my husband taking 2 years to find a new job and the whole time having to live with my parents, it was a real strain on our marriage but we held thought it and I think that shows how strong we can be. Having our new place and him having a job has really made my life so much better, now then only thing I have to stress about is me not my whole family.

I am so happy I have had friends these last few years it has made my life so much easier having people who understand. I don't know how people can get along with out friends, getting into table top gaming has really changed my life in that respect. I will never forget the day my brother talked my twin sister and I into playing his Castles and Cockatrice game that he and his friends had made. I have found more real friends in gaming then anywhere else, heck I meet my husband at a live action role-play event. I am just so happy that things are going better and I hope it stays this way at least for a little while.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

AHHHHHHHH!

To much to do, I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off. My husband is in Buffalo so I am trying to get all of this stuff done in Rochester on my own and I am going nuts. I can get this done, I can get this done. It's like my mantra now, god.

At least its almost over!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Apartment

So we have an apartment happy happy. It's about 3 blocks away from where we used to live and I love it. This weekend is going to be hectic because we are going to be runing all of the place. Hopeful everything will go well otherwise we will have to miss gaming, sadness. Wish us luck everyone!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Moving Day

We've got 9 more days until we are moved out of the house and believe me I can't wait. Dave's job is going really well and he already is being moved to a better position at work, YIPPIE. Soon I will be able to cuddle up on my own couch with my own TV and play my video games when ever I want. Things are so good, soon so soon.

Midland was great I did a lot of running around which was fun and I was very proud of my self. I climbed a huge cliff by like clinging to trees and roots it was hard but so cool.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Verse


Soft taping of hard keys
Low voices speaking loud words
Little boxs holding big worlds
This is the nature of a call center

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Rain


It looks like it is going to rain today, I love rain. I wish I was at home wrapped in a warm blanket with a book instead I am here at work. Fall is my favorite time of the year, the leaves, the smell of chimney smoke, and the small bite of cold in the air. I some how fell closer to the earth in autumn I don't know why. I miss enjoying the weather feeling the day I have no time to do that stuff anymore.

I miss Dave this would be a great day to snuggle up with him on the couch and watch movies. I hope he is ok he was sick last week. I can't wait until next month when I can be with him again in our own apartment.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Wild Weekend

This weekend was a busy one I had gaming and then I hung out with my friend who I have not seen for 6 months. I drove around so much I felt like my butt was stuck to the seat.

Things are so hectic, I'm so happy about all the changes happing in my life but I am so tired from the last 2 years of stress. Sometimes I fell like crying I'm so tired; everything is so close to being better but there is still so much I have to get through to get there. The way that my life always goes is making me nervous too. When ever something good happens something bad happens to plug up the works, I just hope that this goes smoothly or at least with only a small amount of bumps.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Starting Day

Today is Dave's first day at work and I am excited and nervous. I want so badly for everything to go well for him. I applied for a new schedule at work and it looks good that I might just get it. Things are just looking better at better for us. Mind you I don't want to get all excited and then have everything fall to pieces but I can't help but be a little hopeful. Yippee!!!!!!

On Saturday I am hanging out with my friends for gaming then on Sunday I am hanging out with my friend Harmony who I have been missing a lot. So it is looking like my weekend is going to be a none stop thrill ride.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Dave's Job!

DAVE HAS A JOB!!!!!!!!! He starts tomorrow, his schedule is 11:00pm till 6:00am. I am so happy I could just job for joy. I love Dave don't get me wrong but this last year and a half have been painful. Him being out of work obsessing about everything, living with my parents who are great to visit but not to live with, and trying to make my money stretch for all the bills has been so hard. YIPPIE!!!!!!!!!!! I'm only going to be able to see him on weekends at our gaming group but it's only for a month I can handle that. I can feel my life is turning around MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oops wrong sound effect.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Baby Crazy


I have been thinking about babies’ a lot lately, I think I am driving my husband nuts. I ask him about names all the time and what he thinks they will look like and act like. He wants me to wait until after I lose weight and get more on schedule but it is driving me nuts. Every time I see a baby I want to play with it, hug it, and giggle with it. It fells like my heart is braking when I see a pregnant women and I see a lot because I work in a call center, and if you have ever worked in a call center you know what I mean. It’s like they drug the water with fertility drugs for god sack.
I have a friend that has a baby and when he was younger he would let me hold him. I used to worry that my friend was annoyed that I wanted to hold him all the time. Now he is older and I think he might be a little scared of me which is understandable since I only see him once and awhile, but I am still sad. I don't know how much longer I can hold out on this baby crazy need, my husband just may have to get used to the idea of a chubby pregnant wife.

Monday, September 04, 2006

The First

So this is my first post on this site and I am thrilled. My work cut of my ability to post on live journal so this is my next choice. This blog is going to be about my life as I am trully starting it.