I finally realize that you can’t truly change a person, as much as you would like to think that you will be the one to change them you are WRONG. Even if you don’t actively think you are trying you are somewhere deep inside, more the fool you are then.
I can’t change myself and I hate worrying about other people and hiding from other people. I really want to live a full Poly life, completely. Being able to tell people when I want and to not tell other people when I don’t want. We are in a closed poly relationship no one is allowed in but the three of us but that is mainly because of Heather. If she was not in this relationship that would not be true, I’m half in and half out. I can’t believe I got myself into this, I am such a fool. I love Rob really truly but I’m rasping against our bonds.
I am so happy, but I feel like shadows are on the horizon. We still need to deal with families, babies, and I eventual want more nights. I want to be even with Heather not just two nights a week. I know she needs time and we will be together forever, but in some ways I just want to get it all out of the way so that we don’t have to wait for when things will crumble we can know now.
Nothing major is happening in our lives yet but I suddenly started thinking of these things, hope my mind shuts of soon really really soon.
Before now I really thought things would work out with all of us but I am not so sure now. I loved having Rob with me for all of Rag, I don't want him completly just more evenly it sucks going back to two nights a week. Rob and Heather are shaky more so then I ever though I don't know if they can truely do this togeather. I can't be selfish they need time to build up their bonds again but how stong will they be and what will cause them to come tumbling down again.
I am in a dark mode a lot of this is just noise not real issues, just a way for me to vent. Yuck.
