Last night I was hanging out with some friends and the conversation came to death, one of my friends Aunts is struggling with cancer and her Mother is very upset about the possibility of her death. While talking about it I realized how callus I was sounding about it and it made me try to explain why I was sounding that way.
When I was younger I thought I did not have a good grasp of death because I only had one person I know pass away my Great Grandmother. I was around 6-7 years old so I don’t have much memory and at that age you really don’t grasp death and what it means for you. So I always thought I was so detached about it because it has never really hit my life, then my grandfather passed about 2 years ago. I cried and told people how sad I was, but I look at it and realize a lot of it was because I was doing what I thought was the right thing for someone in my position to do. I missed him and I was sad that he had died but I was not broken up about it, he was older and had a lot of medical issues at that point. Of all of my grandfathers I was closest to him but still the relationship on it’s own was not that close. As my life has gone by people I have vaguely know or meet in passing have passed away with out a blip on my radar, I’m not surprised that I have now feelings about them other then a general “That’s so sad” and a feeling or sadness for their family.
So truly death has still not touched my life with his boney claw, while maybe in passing. My mother has had a scare with cancer and my twin sister has on going kidney issues that are pretty bad. So my close family members are still all here and safe, maybe that is why I can’t understand death.
Right now I look at death as something that happens, the world if full of death natural and not so natural. I tend to look at death even for the one’s I love as something inevitable. I flew in a plane for the first time about a month ago and I was not scared the whole time. If I died when the plane crashed so what, I would be dead nothing I can do at that point. I guess that’s not a fair example that’s my death, I have never been scared of my death I am more scared of being maimed.
So here is the crux of all of this how would I feel if Rob died, Sara (Twin Sister), James (Brother), my parents, or don’t even want to think about it Ellie. How would this change my life and how I look at death. I just don’t know I may feel the same way I may not. I just don’t have the understanding, I apologized to my friend because I was being thoughtless and she kindly excepted it.
When I was younger I thought I did not have a good grasp of death because I only had one person I know pass away my Great Grandmother. I was around 6-7 years old so I don’t have much memory and at that age you really don’t grasp death and what it means for you. So I always thought I was so detached about it because it has never really hit my life, then my grandfather passed about 2 years ago. I cried and told people how sad I was, but I look at it and realize a lot of it was because I was doing what I thought was the right thing for someone in my position to do. I missed him and I was sad that he had died but I was not broken up about it, he was older and had a lot of medical issues at that point. Of all of my grandfathers I was closest to him but still the relationship on it’s own was not that close. As my life has gone by people I have vaguely know or meet in passing have passed away with out a blip on my radar, I’m not surprised that I have now feelings about them other then a general “That’s so sad” and a feeling or sadness for their family.
So truly death has still not touched my life with his boney claw, while maybe in passing. My mother has had a scare with cancer and my twin sister has on going kidney issues that are pretty bad. So my close family members are still all here and safe, maybe that is why I can’t understand death.
Right now I look at death as something that happens, the world if full of death natural and not so natural. I tend to look at death even for the one’s I love as something inevitable. I flew in a plane for the first time about a month ago and I was not scared the whole time. If I died when the plane crashed so what, I would be dead nothing I can do at that point. I guess that’s not a fair example that’s my death, I have never been scared of my death I am more scared of being maimed.
So here is the crux of all of this how would I feel if Rob died, Sara (Twin Sister), James (Brother), my parents, or don’t even want to think about it Ellie. How would this change my life and how I look at death. I just don’t know I may feel the same way I may not. I just don’t have the understanding, I apologized to my friend because I was being thoughtless and she kindly excepted it.
