Friday, October 07, 2011

Twin Sister

I have not written in a very long time but my mommy posted something on her blog that really got me thinking.  She was talking about my sister and how sick she is and how she wishes that there could be more for her life.  My identical twin sister is dying, she has a disease called Focal Segmental Glomerlo Sclorosis, it basically kills your kidneys.  You can get as many new ones as you like but it will eventual kill each one, the one I gave her lasted 9 years. She got married, had a beautiful baby girl and found a hobby that makes her happier then I have ever seen her. But now she is going to have to get a new kidney because mine has finally failed as well. She has an amazing friend who is going to give her one which will help her get more time, but no one really knows how much time. This new kidney might not even take, which would be horrendous and I pray it does not happen.  


What is so bad about this is that I can't think about her dying, it's not fair she is not allowed to leave me.  We have had our fights, and our disagreements but it never mattered.  I could always see her and there would be instant understanding, no judgment.  No one fits as well as she does, there is nothing that could fit in her place.  Being able to lay in bed with her and talk about our troubles and our dreams have been some of the best times in my life.  I don't even know how to explain what it would mean not to have her. We have gone months without seeing or talking to each other, but when we come together its like there was never space its like we where always right next to each other.  I would just break inside.


I don't know what can be done in this and I know that she is dealing with so much more then I am but I can't help thinking about the world with out my other soul in it.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Death

Last night I was hanging out with some friends and the conversation came to death, one of my friends Aunts is struggling with cancer and her Mother is very upset about the possibility of her death. While talking about it I realized how callus I was sounding about it and it made me try to explain why I was sounding that way.

When I was younger I thought I did not have a good grasp of death because I only had one person I know pass away my Great Grandmother. I was around 6-7 years old so I don’t have much memory and at that age you really don’t grasp death and what it means for you. So I always thought I was so detached about it because it has never really hit my life, then my grandfather passed about 2 years ago. I cried and told people how sad I was, but I look at it and realize a lot of it was because I was doing what I thought was the right thing for someone in my position to do. I missed him and I was sad that he had died but I was not broken up about it, he was older and had a lot of medical issues at that point. Of all of my grandfathers I was closest to him but still the relationship on it’s own was not that close. As my life has gone by people I have vaguely know or meet in passing have passed away with out a blip on my radar, I’m not surprised that I have now feelings about them other then a general “That’s so sad” and a feeling or sadness for their family.

So truly death has still not touched my life with his boney claw, while maybe in passing. My mother has had a scare with cancer and my twin sister has on going kidney issues that are pretty bad. So my close family members are still all here and safe, maybe that is why I can’t understand death.

Right now I look at death as something that happens, the world if full of death natural and not so natural. I tend to look at death even for the one’s I love as something inevitable. I flew in a plane for the first time about a month ago and I was not scared the whole time. If I died when the plane crashed so what, I would be dead nothing I can do at that point. I guess that’s not a fair example that’s my death, I have never been scared of my death I am more scared of being maimed.

So here is the crux of all of this how would I feel if Rob died, Sara (Twin Sister), James (Brother), my parents, or don’t even want to think about it Ellie. How would this change my life and how I look at death. I just don’t know I may feel the same way I may not. I just don’t have the understanding, I apologized to my friend because I was being thoughtless and she kindly excepted it.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

UGGGG House!

So we found a house we love it was listed at 94.9K and we put a bid on it for 80K........  and they sent a counter offer of 92.9K, we then sent another higher bid of 87K........ and then the seller did not respond for 2 days she then said she would not look at our offer. She did not say no straight out but she did not give us a counter offer.  What the fuck! All she needs to say is no or this is the price I want to sell at and I am going no lower, but she did not say anything of that.  Everything we have gotten from our Realtor is that she is angry and belligerent.  WHY? What did we do, nothing.  We think she is waiting for her open house this weekend to see if she could get a better offer. The house has already been on the market for 115 days and they have had no buyers. I wonder if this is the reason why, is the owner always doing this when someone makes a bid that she does not like.

Just so frustrated.

Monday, February 07, 2011

Talking

So right now Rob and Heather are not talking to each other, actually its more so Rob is not talking to Heather.  This has been going on for 2 weeks so far.  I don't talk about this on the blogger at all normally but I know mostly my friends read this and they wont say anything to any one involved.

Heather has been having trouble with credit cards for a long time, and this has been causing problems with Rob and Heather off and on in their relationship.  I'm pretty sure that she learned her habits from her parents, most of her sisters have the same credit card issues.  Rob and Heather have dealt with her past very large credit card debt by consolidating it on a loan with her credit union, the only problem is that a credit card is attached to that account. Rob cut up the card with her name on it and had his card locked away.  Heather still has one personal credit card that she is allowed to have with a very low limit.

Well this winter we all decided to us the card to get some repairs on her car that where much needed and to buy a new projector as a group present, that was all the card was supposed to be used for.  So about two weeks ago Rob went and looked at the credit card statement and found at that Heather had been using the card from the moment they took it out of hiding.  She bought a few large purchases and then lots of little purchases thru the month of November and December.  Rob was so so mad, he found out that the bank mailed her a new card with her name on it because the card had expired and that was what she was using.  This has happened before, where she has used the card and should not have been, but it had been awhile a go so Rob had thought that she was getting better.  The night that he tried to talk to her about it she told him that she gotten cared away because of Christmas but since December she has stopped using it.  Then her phone rang upstairs and she left to go answer it instead of staying down stairs to talk to Rob.  Since then he will not talk to her, he is waiting for her to come to him and talk about the card.  She talks to him but will not bring up the card, so he does not talk back.  Now the new month has come and the credit card statement was received but has disappeared, Rob can not find it.

All of this has created a very unhappy feeling in the house most of the time.  I keep trying to tell Rob he should talk to Heather but he is too mad, Heather says she has tried but Rob wont talk back.  Now I am worried that Heather is going to leave if things don't get cleared up soon.  This is all on top of the fact that we are looking at houses and even about to make an offer on one.  I don't know what is going to happen I wish that they would just talk to each other.

Saturday, February 05, 2011

New Houses

So we looked at some more houses yesterday and today and it turned out well.  We saw one house on Friday that we really liked and today we found one that we loved.  We have decided to make an offer and see where it goes.

The house has 4 bedrooms, 2 full baths, Living room, Dining Room, Newer Kitchen, closed in Florida room, large basement, new windows, and a very large and accessible attic.  With some wok the Attic could be finished to make another large room. A nice backyard, 1.5 garage, and a generator.

The only small bad points are no ac, and radiator heating. The radiator heating is not so bad, most are covered with really nice covers and they keep the house really warm.

We are really excited, we don't want to get our hopes up because we still have a lot to go thru before it is all done and the house is actually ours so cross your fingers for us please.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Houses 2 & 3

So tonight we are going to look at houses number 2 & 3.  Number 1 was bad, really bad.  The guy who lived there with his son did all these little repairs to try to make the house look good but I think it just made it worse.  The downstairs bathroom had a nice new toilet, Sink with one of those bowls that sit on top of the stand and a beautiful mirror cabinet thing.  But then the wall was covered with this crappy wall paper and the tile on the floor and half of the wall was all beat up and did not meet the wall paper.  The tub was also old and crappy.  All the downstairs rooms had been painted but the guy had not even bothered to remove any nails or screws he just painted over them. The carpet was just nailed down with no pad underneath and it was crappy carpet.  Then you go upstairs and nothing had been done, right in the stairwell the wall had holes all over it and was really dirty.  The roof and the wall did not meet you could see the insulation it was so bad.  I can't believe how much he was asking for that house. The basement was bad too, you could tell the one wall leaked and there where pipes leaking as well.  The wall that leaked also had mold all over it, I don't know how this guy expects to sell his house.

We are really hoping that these next two houses are better, I will post more once we get back tonight.

After:
House number 2
Good: Had 4 bedrooms and a nice big garage and back porch, Two bathrooms and a somewhat half finished basement. 
Problems: The Master bedroom was down stairs and small, there was no bath room upstairs, both bathrooms where on the main floor actually right next to each other.  The kitchen was very outdated, all of the basement finishing was home owner done and not very well. One of the bedrooms upstairs was the size of a walk in closet, and the furnace was old.

House number 3
Good: Very big, nice size rooms and good carpet. New Furnace was put in in 2010.
Problems: Far away from all of our works, Old old house late 18 hundreds.  Kitchen was redone, but was shoddy and poorly laid out, Could tell that the house was settling towards the middle because all the floors where sloping towards the middle.  All updates seemed shoddy and basement was the original from when the house was build. Scary bit the foundation is being held up by two by fours, scary.

So for right now no house.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Father Christmas

We just had our big chapter battle on the 22n and it went so so well.  We had over 100 people at the feast and at least 80 people on the field fighting I am so happy that I got to be out there with everyone.  Ellie had a great time and my parents where so happy to be able to hang with Ellie and watch their daughters have fun.  This event has gotten me even more excited for Ragnarok only have until June 12th not that far away.

Here are some pictures. 
And one more of me squished on the point in a hold the point battle.
Oh I am the one in the Brown and Green with the Sheild that has the three leafs on it, just in cause you don't know what I look like.

Friday, January 28, 2011

The Pain's Of Home Buying

So we are going to be buying a house, and all I want to do is groan.  This is the first house that any of us have every owned and just getting started is daunting.

First off Heather and Rob are going to be the ones doing the actual buying I will just be pitching in with down payment and mortgage payments when we get the house of our dreams (or as close to our dreams as we can with a normal persons paycheck).  My credit is not great, not horrible mind you but now great so they really don't need me on the loan, so the actual house purchase will be them with me just helping out.

Second we have been looking to do this since January of last year but after some discouraging remarks from a lender we got scared off.  Heather has had a credit union since she was young and she went to them to get and idea about a pre-approval amount for a loan so we would know where to start looking.  The bank told her they had another company they went thru for the loans and she dutifully called them to get the info.  The guy she got on the line was a DICK!  He was snotty from the moment she got on the phone and when she told him that we only had about $3000 for a down payment at that moment he just shut her down.  He never asked how much she and Rob made and never gave her a chance to say we planed on putting more in to the down payment in the coming year, he just said there was no way we could get a house with that.  Heather came of the phone very discouraged and uninterested in looking further.  It has taken us all this time to finally get going again, I have been pushing all along but until now they where not interested.  Truth to be told Heather is still not interested in being the driving force I have had to push Rob into doing the work.

So finally this year I was a house for sale near Ellie's daycare and I was thinking how great it would be to live that close.  Plus all of our works are about 10 mins away as well as Heathers parents it would really be a great place to live.  I went online and contacted the realtor to see if we could look at the house and he got back to me the next day. He explained that he would love for us to look at the house but he wanted to know if we had gotten pre-qualified for what we could buy first.  I called him and told him no but that we where very interested in doing so.  He was happy that I was not upset about getting pre-qualified first the homeowner just did not like looky loes who had no intentions of possible buying and could not really afford the house anyways.  So the Realtor gave me the name and number of a lender and Rob finally called him!

So now we have been pre-qualified and we are going to look at the house this weekend.  I am ecstatic, I have been waiting for this for so long.  The next part of our life is finally happening, no more apartments a house all our own.   Living in an apartment with all the rooms we needed and space to store stuff was getting expensive, this should be so much better.  Of course we are going to have to deal with the costs of owing a home but at least it will be our home.

More to come on this subject as it develops! Happiness!!

A Different World

Since Ellie has been born I have been looking at the world differently.  I see things as she would see them for the first time, clean and fresh.  Things I had not taken the time to see or feel have really gotten my attention in the past months.  Like the stickiness of yogurt, how fun it is to paint with.  How the sun looks on the carpet and how warm and interesting it feels on your hand.  The feeling of water as you run your fingers thru it, how fascinating it is to watch the water drops as they come out of the shower head.  I missed these thing while rushing around in my crazy adult world and having Ellie has really given me the chance to look at them again.

Right after I had Ellie I found myself crying over the stupidest things, sappy commercials, songs on the radio, even books that I read to her.  It has slowly started to pass but I find I still cry more often then I ever did before.  At first I thought it was because of lingering hormones but now I think not.  I'm seeing the world and the things that are happening in it in a different way now.  Before when I would see something about a family losing a mother or a child on TV I would be sad but now I cry.  I know why because now I am seeing Ellie in everything, how she would feel if these things happened to her or how I would feel.  Sometimes it is so overwhelming, thinking of losing her makes me tear up even now.  My world is forever altered it can never be the same, I can never see it with the callousness that I did as a single person.  When you are on your own all you really have to worry about is you, if you die yes your family will miss and love you but your impact is still minimal.  But when you have a child your death would take a piece of their world from them.  I hope that my daughter never has to leave without me or Rob in her life.

I also see the joyful things as well, the sharing of food, playing in the grass, talking in the car about her day, watching beloved movies for the first time, showing her books that I hope she will love, seeing what her favorite color is, watching her smile at me for the first time, seeing her hug her father and hearing her tell me that she loves me for the first time.  I never want to live in a world without Ellie.