Poem 4

Hands linger on my abdomen
My skin is warm and soft
I wait hoping to feel something
I know it's silly but I try anyways
My heart yearns for this
So much is building here
I spread my fingers
I wonder is it already fuller
I close my eyes and dream of laughter
I rest my hand more firmly and feel
I tug on my lip and slip my palm away
It's done I let the vision shatter
I hold on to a hope I had
I lost it, I did


I had a dream last night and I could not remember what it was about I know I was looking for someone but I did not know who. I finally remembered a little bit ago, I was looking for my son Gaberiel, I don't have a son but in my dream I did. I could hear him crying but I could not find where he was, I could not understand how I could have lot him I was so mad at my self. My friend was helping me look for him but I still could not find him. I started to cry because I could not hear the crying anymore and I knew it was my fault that he was gone I had done something wrong. I woke up then but it all seemed to fade away but when I was trying to think of what to write most of it came back to me. I think there may have been more but I can't see it so I will try to remember when I go to bed but I don't know.

Girl on Girl Action

Today is the day of coming out, telling your friends and family who you really are. Most of my family knows I like both men and women and happily it has never really been a big issue for them but I know other people out there have not had as much luck. Today I though of a the few wonderful women I have been with and lusted after and gloried in it, if I had the chance I would have spent the day in bed with a beautiful women. Oh well to busy working but I plan on having a little girl on girl action soon I have been just aching to kiss the soft sweet lips of a wonderful hot female.

I have been having some fairly vivid dreams about one women in particularly which have been causing me some frustrating mornings. Sadly I have not gotten to have as much experience with women in my life, I have really only ever been with two women. Not that I have not wanted to it's just been hard finding someone I like who is interested in women and then interested in me as well. Things might change I hope but who knows for today I am just going to be happy with what I have and let my dreams take me to where I can't.

SLEEEEEEPPPPPP!

So tired want to sleep so badly, I have to get up for work tomorrow and I can not sleep. I love my sister but it is so hard to sleep at her place, everyone is moving around so much and the couch is small and hard to sleep on. I feel bad thought since she is giving me a place to stay and she loves me it just sucks trying to get some rest.

When I stay at Rob and Heathers their couch is so comfy and soft. The room is nice and cold so I can wrap myself in a sheet and blanket and be nice and happy. It's quite and dark, and everything smells so nice and clean I love it so much. Right now all I want is to lay my head down and rest god back to trying to get some sleep wish me luck.

Thank you's

So my posts have been somewhat bumtastic lately part of that has to do with the fact that I usually have a journal that I write stuff that I am feeling down in but it is stored away. So this has sort of become my journal for right now, that is why things tend to be on the down side. A lot of the emotions I have are fleeting but I write them down so I have a chance to look and them and try to work thru them so I can be happier and healthier.

I have a lot of good going on in my life but sadly most of it I can't really talk about right yet so I usually can only post the bad because it is safer. I am coming to the conclusion thought that it might be OK know for me to just post everything because at this point I don't know how much it really matters any more. I will have to talk to some people but i think soon I will be able to just say what I want here which will be so nice since I am very sick of having to watch what I say all the time.

Some of what I can say is that I have a lot of really good people in my life right now and I really want to thank them and give them a little idea of how much they mean to me.

Autumn you have been AMAZING!! Really without you to just say pretty much anything I want to say, I think I would have gone mad a long time ago, when I could no longer go to gaming and my life was to crazy to hang out I was so sad. Love of friends is something I really needed and you where there to give it to me and you also had some really great advice for me at some crappy points in my life. Also knowing that I can be there for you as well even if it is only in a very small way helps me feel like I am not a complete disaster as a friend.

Eric I have found a strange amount of comfort in your company. Your intelligence is refreshing sometimes it is just so nice to talk to someone about things that are going on in the world. Your calm understanding of the time I spend with your wife is so nice and talking to you and her is a great joy for me. Also your willingness to change the day you guys gamed so that I might game again was something else I really needed.

Griffin thanks for just being you! Your sweet joy and happy smile really makes my day and helps me curb my annoying need for a child of my own.

Sara I don't think I have to go on to much you know how I feel about you but I will anyways. You have always been there for me thru everything, even when things where hard between us for one reason or another you have given me your heart. You will always be my first and last love and no one and I mean that no one can take your place for me. The easy understanding we have with each other, the comfort I find when I can just crawl in bed with you and snuggle, and the ability to just cry at the drop of a hat and have you hug me and tell me it's OK and I know it is. Last but so not least the amazing baby that you have given to all of us that has made my life so much brighter, I know sometimes it can be hard but the happiness I see in you when you hold her is something I carry with me all day.

Mina...... You are just so much to me, the dreams I have of being your aunt are so real and so happy that I can't wait to live them. I am so happy you came into our lives and I will treasure every single moment I have with you.

Heather this is the hardest one for me so much has happened between you and I sadly some of it really bad. I just want to say thank you for giving me another chance and for being a friend to me when you really did not have to be. Your kind heart, quick funny mind, and sometimes sarcastic wit has really grown on me. Most of all I want you to know I am really happy you are my friend and that you where willing to be mine.

Mattlock for just being my friend and accepting that friends can be strange people and not condemning them for it.

Rob your friendship has been so important and surprising for me considering that in the beginning I really did not like you very much. You have been there when I really needed someone to just hold me and tell me that I really am an adult. Seeing you treat your wife with so much love and affection gives me hope that all relationships can be that way. Playing video games with you, watching Naruto, talking about books, watching stupid TV shows, putting up with me and your wife watching anime together, sharing a love of cats, learning to play cards with you even thought it drives me nuts, and knowing that you will be there for me no matter what is more then I could ever wish for.

Finally my parents thanks for helping me when I was down and out, and most of all thanks for understanding my craziness and being true parents who love me no matter what and just want me to be happy.

That's about it, I know I have already done something like this but I feel that it was important for me to put this down. Thanks again to everyone.

Sorry I forgot one, Gabriel I never really got to know you but thanks for the small hope that you gave me even if it was fleeting, you where there at a time of my life that I needed you hopefully you will be again.

That's really it this time.

Waiting

I am very tired and I would like nothing more then to go to bed and get some sleep but I really have to write this down right now. I am feeling a lot of things right now, it's so hard for everything to be this way so much is just spinning in my head. The waiting is killing me, slowly and surely I am getting eaten alive. I am putting myself out completely, but it's the only way I can be maybe I should of held back but I just can't be that way. What is making this so hard is that there is no plan for me if this goes bad I am out on my butt, and you know a lot of that is my own making.

I have to wait, test the waters and see if the boat will float and if it does it will be the best thing in the world, the absolute best. But if the boat sinks I have no life boat, I have to swim to shore I will but it's going to be by my own ability with no one's help or support.

I just want a choice made now, no more waiting knowing that any day, everyday it could be over. I don't want to be a snot but I have the most to lose, I will lose everything. I will have myself and that's fine but I might as well move at that point because I can't stay here I will really have no one. I want to be strong and say that I could handle this that I am a grown up and thus I will be able to go on but I will be so broken so very broken and that thought just makes me cry siting here typing.

I am taking one day at a time this is just a weak moment for me and sadly I have no one to turn to at this particular time to help me so this blog has to be it. I love my life I love the people in it everyone so so much but I needed to get this out. Please I am going to go on and step into the new day stronger and happier thinking of all the good right now in my life and holding to that so don't let this give you the wrong idea.

I'm going to go to bed now probably cry for a little bit, but tomorrow I will wake up and think nothing of this and be the better for it.