A new page in my life is about to start. Any day I will get a letter finally saying that I am divorced, in many ways that truly makes me happy. I am sad about what happened between Dave and I and sometimes I wish that there could have been some way to fix it but I know there was not. I could have stayed with him and tried to work our relationship out but I know eventually I would not been able to handle it anymore. There where things I needed from him that he could not have given me, I am very affectionate and emotional, I need someone who can be that way with me but he was not that person. It’s not even his fault you can’t change who you are, he is just not very affectionate he tried he really did. I know in the end this was the right thing but I still feel bad and sometimes I truly miss him. I hope that someday he can find a girl like me with the happiness that he loved but who can be happy without displays of outward affection.
Sometimes I get down on my self I say I will never cheat again I have no reason to, but then I look back at all I have done and say if I have done it once who is to say I will not do it again in a moment of weakness. The thing is that I have grown up a lot since I have done those things and I have learned a lot about my nature. I know what situation are dangerous for me and I know to avoid them, I am stronger then I once was. I also really don’t think I would do anything even if it feel in my lap because I truly am happy and I’m not willing to let myself ruin that.
Trying for a baby is the hardest thing I am dealing with right now. I want so much for it to happen quickly but it's not. I know I need to stop stressing on it, because stress can make it hard to have a baby but I can't seem to get my mind to listen. A couple of weeks ago my friends and I where talking about the whole Mayan disaster that is supposed to happen in 2012 and my one friend joked that the world would end the moment I gave birth. I wanted so badly to kill him, like dead. It's silly but that is a major fear of mine, not the world ending thing so much but the whole not getting to have a child. I can only keep trying and hoping that it works, if not then I will really need to start looking at infertility stuff.
Rob's parents still don't know and I truly don't think they will by the time of his sisters wedding, I know he is trying but I also know how easy it is for him to put it out of his mind. He does not care to much if his family knows it's really me who cares. I want them to be a part of our lives, especial the babies lives once I have them. I don't want to wait until I am pregnant to tell them. But I also have decided that there is really nothing else I can do, if Rob and Heather decide to tell their families then great I will be so happy if not then I will learn to deal. If they are not a part of our lives I will be sorry for my children and for ourselves but it will be OK we have each other and my family who loves us all so very much. Things will be OK.
Life is becoming more normal everyday, more like a real relationship with it's in and outs. I'm happy truly truly happy, things will never be perfect but I think it doesn't matter any more I don't need perfect I need this.
