Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Looking Back


This is a great time for me to look back at my year and see how it has unfolded.

Rob, Heather and I moved into our own apartment in May to great success. I now have both Thursday and Friday nights with Rob. I have my own bed room that I picked out most of the decorations for, finally.

Rob and I want to most if not all of the Saturday and Tuesday practices for Dag, we also did hit all of the Dag Battles in this area. Rob and I went to 4 days of Ragnork one of the biggest Dag battles and had a blast, we also went to Badon hill as a unit and where filmed for the new TV show called Wreckreation Nation on Discovery channel. The episode airs January 20th at 10pm and will most likely be replayed a million times! We now have 6 people in our unit and we are hoping to get more soon.

I have a name of a lawyer that I am going to call on Monday so that I can finally get my divorce from Dave. I have a car that I have made payments for on my own on time for the whole year. I have paid off most of my debts and am working towards paying off the rest of them. My niece turned 1, started walking talking and being cute in general. I lost a friend but gained a lot more. I talked to a women about the possibility of being on a show about Poly, have not heard anything back yet but these things take time. Kissed no new girls :( Decide to lose wight once and for all so I can have babies. Seen some truly amazing movies and read some wonderful books.


Well I think that pretty much sums it up but if I think of anything else I will add it later.

Weight

So I have finally hit the moment of it’s time to lose weight.

My work is doing this biggest loser contest and I signed up for it. You put in $20, there are three winners who lost the most weight, next highest weight lose and so on for the third. The first winner gets 65% of the pot, the second gets 30% and the last gets 5%. I entered this because I really wanted to make a change in my life but mainly because I want to get pregnant and I just can’t seem to.

I have been reading online a lot about Polycystic ovary syndrome which I am almost certain I have. I had a test at my OB’s office and they gave a tentative diagnosis of yes but I never had the change for it to get confirmed. But what I have read online really points towards it, irregular or nonexistent periods, pain in pelvic area and skin tags in neck and armpit area. Plus it helps that Sara has it and we are identical twins. Losing weight can really help with this syndrome and in general will help me.

I want to have a baby with everything in me, I know it may not be the right time but I don’t want to wait any longer. I can do this I can get my life and weight on track, I actual know what works for me I just have to stick to it. I work best with moderate exercise everyday or every other day, portion control also works well for me. I’m going to get my gym membership squared away and then I am going to start going again, I am also going to start doing some exercise at home. Everything I have read says to write a journal about all the things your doing to get healthy and to have a goal, well here is my journal and my goal is babies. If I want this bad enough I can do it.

Current weight: 300 even

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Party

Tonight I am going to a friends Christmas party which will be nice I will be giving them more time together and I can relax a little and get some thinking done. I hate that I have spent most of this week away from home but maybe it’s good for me to get out. I think I have to make more of an effort to do stuff outside the house give Rob and Heather time to just be with one another even if it’s just them watching tv or Heather on her computer and Rob near by.

Messy

So I guess after talking to Rob about how she feels, thinks are better for Heather. Rob has also realized that he was not giving her as much attention as she needed.

This is great don’t get me wrong I am happy they worked it out but urgggg! This big deal was made out of it and now its nothing, blown a way as if it was so much dust and dirt. I guess a lot centered on me how my habits annoy her and how I don’t do enough at the house. Also how she feels that I am not truly committed to Rob since I have yet to get my divorce. I try not to be mad about these things because honestly I can be messy and even though I make excuses that I don’t have any time for the laundry I do I just have to do it when I want to be doing something else which sucks but life sucks.

But I am mad, I know I’m messy, I forget things, and I tend to put stuff off for a later time because I am scared about it or just plain lazy but how the hell does she know how I feel. I love Rob, I love him so much I gave up my marriage which even though crappy was normal to get in to a relationship where I will never feel truly safe. I have no guarantee of stability, at a moments notice she could say she can no longer handle me and in the end out I will go. Rob may decide that he can’t live with out me or he could try to fight her over it but in the end she may stick to her guns and done it will be. Then what will happen will he continue to try to see me on the side which eventual I will have to end because I can’t truthfully live like that forever. Or will it end right away and it will have to go on my own, which at this point I am ready to do if need be, I will be shattered to pieces but I will do it. I know she is sad I know she is having a hard time really I do but I do not feel like she has a right to say something like that. I have never once said to Rob that I don’t think Heather loves him and if I have said anything about her feelings for him then I am truly sorry I don’t have that right.

I love him, I will get the divorce. It’s hard and scary and when I look at it all I can see is a daunting task. But I will do it, I will pull up my boot straps and get it done. Until then I need her to give me time and to not make judgments. This is fucking hard for everyone, she is not the only one suffering, this was not what I original wanted for my life and even once I have excepted this life style this is not the way I would have wanted it either. I would love to be in a relationship with two people who both love me not just a relationship where one person loves me and the other one puts up with me. I truly feel that this is how it is with Heather she puts up with me because she has to. I love Heather she drives me nuts and things are not perfect but I truly do care about her well being, I just don’t know if she feels the same way. Did I make the right choice? Sometimes I don’t know, I think she is just doing this to keep Rob but how long will it take her to just hate it and us.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Blow Over

SO all this and nothing, I leave to give them some time to them self and I don't think anything was discussed. If they did I'm not going to hear about it, I will have to bug Rob and I hate that.

I should just ask but I don't want to upset Heather if they did talk about some things. Plus I know I will say the wrong thing and it will all go out the window. Sometimes I am so straight forward I just want people to stay stuff and get it out in the open, just say it for gods sake. What is the matter? Are you happy? Do you hate me? Please!

I am just going to sit here and stew and wait it's the only way, hope someone says something.

Shit!

Shit shit shit shit shit!!! I though we where doing well but I guess I'm wrong fuck fuck. All this time I had no idea that anything was wrong, I knew she was down because of her mom but she has not said word one of how she is feeling neglected and uncared for. Part of it is that I may have really not been seeing the signs but she has never voiced anything. I don't know if she has been talking to Rob about this but I did not know I would make some effort do what I can to fix things but god. URGGGGGGGGG! Shit shit shit!

I don't know what to do, fuck I do know what to do. We all need to sit down and talk like I told Rob we needed to do months ago to see how we are doing, but it's as much my fault as his I could have asked to but I was happy floating along. I guess things need to change, you think things are all right then you get smacked in the face yippee!!!

This could have all been prevented we really need to make an effort to talk more often.

Fuck Shit Balls!!!