Fighting So Hard

I don't know why I fight so hard, everything does not need to be so hard but I make it that way.  My head can honestly make such a simple thing into something so complicated and I don't know how to stop that.

I feel better lately less streesed and more centered which is such a big relief but I know I still have a ways to go.  I think I really just want my life to be much less complicated, I think I also wish I understood the people around me better.  Like Heather I wonder why she does things, like why does she stay.  I can't see that she gets much out of being here, she does not hang around with us much and she is almost always at her parents.  I'm not saying I want to push her out the door but I just wonder what is keeping her here. It can't just be Rob because I think more often then not she is just annoyed with him, there has to be something else.

With Rob I wonder what he sees in me, I feel so much like a big conflicted mess of emotions and neediness.  I don't want to do so much that I drive him crazy but I don't want to do so little he forgets I love him. It's so nuts and I know I am making is so much more difficult then it needs to be but I can't seem to help myself. Right not I feel like I can't see much good in myself how can he see good in me.  I know he loves me and sees a lot of great in me I just have to find away to see that in myself again.

I wish I could be newly in love again exploring all that has to offer.  Everything is so uncomplicated and relaxed, you just think about the here and now and when your next going to be able to see that person.  Feel their love and taste their passion, there is so little fight involved you just go and feel.

What I have in my life is really good I know that, I do wish that things where not so complicated but honestly that will never happen. What you really have to wish for is that you have the right people around you so that when your life does go to shit they will be there to help you get back up and going again.  You want them to know you so you don't have to explain everything and they can just work beside you.  You have to wish for a partner that has your back and still loves you even though you have all this messed up crap. It has to be seamless and put together as if it was meant to be, so you can really lean back when your hurting and know that person will know how to bring you back. I love Rob for everything that he does for me, I want him to think more but I know I need to give more too so he will know what he needs to be thinking about. It's time for me to stop fighting so hard and just let myself be me.

Fear

When we started our relationship I gave Rob all of the power, with out even meaning to. He told me that he would not be able to handle me seeing other men, I could date women but not men. I said yes because honestly I am not really interested in having another relationship with a man and because I wanted to be with him. My ultimate goal is to be in a relationship with him, me and another girl. That way no one is left out and we can all experience the relationship. For him he is allowed to date who ever he wants women or man (not that he would he is not interested in men). By letting him place this limit on me I gave him the power instead of us being in an equal relationship he has the freedom and I don’t. As time has gone by I find this has slowly been starting to grate on me, every time I have to make some concession and he gets to go do what he wants it grates more. I agreed to all of this in the beginning but I realize now that I should not have. I honestly don’t want to date another man but having that rule put on me just makes it seem like an unfair rule when he gets to be so free.

Yesterday I was driving home from watching a movie and suddenly I realized that I don’t think well enough of myself to know I deserve better. I love Rob don’t get me wrong but I am so afraid to stand up for myself because I am afraid to lose him and my life, even though I deserve better. With the miscarriage in August I really needed him to be there for me for anything, love, affection, encouragement, anything. But not even a month after he starts talking to girl and not even a month after that he starts talking to another girl. Now the first girl is out of the picture but the second one is very much still there. I really needed him to just be there for me, just like I wanted to be there for him. But that did not happen; he lost himself in these girls putting me in a really stressful position. I of course told him its ok to talk to these girls because I am so afraid he will become bitter and sad if I don’t let him be free and also because I don’t think well enough of myself to say I need you with me right now. I can’t imagine that he would give it all up for me right now and be happy. I just don’t think that I am good enough; I can’t believe I feel this way but I do. I have never really let myself look at how I am living and see that I have pushed myself into a place I don’t want to be. I think in my head I was hoping that he would look at how things where going and say, hey this is really not the best time to be staring a relationship maybe I should focus on what is happening in my existing relationships. But he did not he just went merrily on his way, which is really just him he never things about the consequences he does not like too. I kept thinking things would end quickly with this girl because it seemed like she was a short time spice person but things seem to be shaping up to be much longer.

This could all be fixed if I just said something to Rob about how I feel and what he is doing but I just cant seem to because I am just so afraid. It does not help things that his relationship with his wife is not going well either, but he does not want to talk to her about it because he is scared. I just hate the fact that our relationship has turned into one of fear, we should all be here for one another and we are not. We are slowly burning our bridges and we need to stop the fires before we cant get back.