Love

I know I have talked about this subject in the past but I feel that more can always be said.

Love for me has changed a lot lately, how I see it and how I feel it. I have always had a hard time letting someone past my shields mainly because of things I did as a kid. I was always so trusting I told all my friends everything and in the end that was bad because sometimes I would say to much and it could cause problems. As I grew older I stopped sharing so much and learned to build a wall between myself and most of my friends. I did not want to get hurt and I did not want to say anything wrong that would embarrass me. But lately I have found people in my life that I can finally be free with. Originally I could only talk to my twin sister she was like the other half of my soul we could share anything. Then I found my husband and it was so nice to open my heart and mind to someone who I think loves me for who I am. Now I have found a friend that I can truly be honest with. I can complain about my life with out worrying that they think I am whining, I can talk about my wishes in life and where they want their life to go. I can be myself, silly, forgetful, happy, frustrated, scared, anything and they are there for me.

With this trust comes love, which is what I was trying to say. I always looked at the romantic love but I forgot completely about the love of two friends who really understand one another. I never really had that, my friend for most of my life was my sister and she will always be my best friend but she is still my sister. Having the love of someone who has no ties to you other then shared trust and interests is something special. I am happy that I got the chance to feel this and I hope that everyone out there has felt this or will someday.

Death

Death has always been a hard thing for me; I don't understand it when it comes to dealing with it. Many of my friends and family have lost someone they care for and to be honest I don't know how to help them. I have yet to lose someone I was close to since I have been old enough to understand lose. When I was young my Great Grandmother died and thought I loved her very much I was not upset. At the time I was too young to understand the totality of lose and what it meant, to me she was sick for so long and now she was not. It was that simple I loved her but she was still in my mind forever, and in the traditions my family holds to her. Now as I have gone older lose holds so much more for me, the feelings one builds for someone embed themselves deeper. As a child things come and go in your life and you watch them with little concern as an adult that changes, things are more important.

What I worry about is that some day some one I love will die and I don't know what I will do or how I will act. Will I go thought it as cool as when I was a child or will it eat at me and strip away the shields I build around my emotions? I'm scared I have become desensitized by time and will not feel it or walk around in a fog trying to pretend it did not happen. Death is part of life I have always looked at it that way and I don't want to stress over it and the people who have to leave.

Recently a friend of mine had a loved one die in her life and it got me to thinking about this subject. I talked to my husband about what I wanted if something where to happen to me and what he wanted in return. In this sense we think the same way if we are in a vegetative state we don't want our loved ones to hold on to us we want them to be able to let us go. So for me I would want the plug pulled, if there was no brain activity. Even if somehow 30 years later I could wake up who wants that, to wake up so much later and for my family to hold on to me for so long. I'm very relaxed about life I don't want to die but I know that someday I will and I don't want to miss out on stuff because I am scared that I might die. So I will be jumping out of planes with a parachute, bungee jumping, rock climbing, or just plain riding in a big boot across the ocean or in a plane across the country. I don't want to miss out on life and all the joys and fears that come with it.