Fighting So Hard

I don't know why I fight so hard, everything does not need to be so hard but I make it that way.  My head can honestly make such a simple thing into something so complicated and I don't know how to stop that.

I feel better lately less streesed and more centered which is such a big relief but I know I still have a ways to go.  I think I really just want my life to be much less complicated, I think I also wish I understood the people around me better.  Like Heather I wonder why she does things, like why does she stay.  I can't see that she gets much out of being here, she does not hang around with us much and she is almost always at her parents.  I'm not saying I want to push her out the door but I just wonder what is keeping her here. It can't just be Rob because I think more often then not she is just annoyed with him, there has to be something else.

With Rob I wonder what he sees in me, I feel so much like a big conflicted mess of emotions and neediness.  I don't want to do so much that I drive him crazy but I don't want to do so little he forgets I love him. It's so nuts and I know I am making is so much more difficult then it needs to be but I can't seem to help myself. Right not I feel like I can't see much good in myself how can he see good in me.  I know he loves me and sees a lot of great in me I just have to find away to see that in myself again.

I wish I could be newly in love again exploring all that has to offer.  Everything is so uncomplicated and relaxed, you just think about the here and now and when your next going to be able to see that person.  Feel their love and taste their passion, there is so little fight involved you just go and feel.

What I have in my life is really good I know that, I do wish that things where not so complicated but honestly that will never happen. What you really have to wish for is that you have the right people around you so that when your life does go to shit they will be there to help you get back up and going again.  You want them to know you so you don't have to explain everything and they can just work beside you.  You have to wish for a partner that has your back and still loves you even though you have all this messed up crap. It has to be seamless and put together as if it was meant to be, so you can really lean back when your hurting and know that person will know how to bring you back. I love Rob for everything that he does for me, I want him to think more but I know I need to give more too so he will know what he needs to be thinking about. It's time for me to stop fighting so hard and just let myself be me.

Fear

When we started our relationship I gave Rob all of the power, with out even meaning to. He told me that he would not be able to handle me seeing other men, I could date women but not men. I said yes because honestly I am not really interested in having another relationship with a man and because I wanted to be with him. My ultimate goal is to be in a relationship with him, me and another girl. That way no one is left out and we can all experience the relationship. For him he is allowed to date who ever he wants women or man (not that he would he is not interested in men). By letting him place this limit on me I gave him the power instead of us being in an equal relationship he has the freedom and I don’t. As time has gone by I find this has slowly been starting to grate on me, every time I have to make some concession and he gets to go do what he wants it grates more. I agreed to all of this in the beginning but I realize now that I should not have. I honestly don’t want to date another man but having that rule put on me just makes it seem like an unfair rule when he gets to be so free.

Yesterday I was driving home from watching a movie and suddenly I realized that I don’t think well enough of myself to know I deserve better. I love Rob don’t get me wrong but I am so afraid to stand up for myself because I am afraid to lose him and my life, even though I deserve better. With the miscarriage in August I really needed him to be there for me for anything, love, affection, encouragement, anything. But not even a month after he starts talking to girl and not even a month after that he starts talking to another girl. Now the first girl is out of the picture but the second one is very much still there. I really needed him to just be there for me, just like I wanted to be there for him. But that did not happen; he lost himself in these girls putting me in a really stressful position. I of course told him its ok to talk to these girls because I am so afraid he will become bitter and sad if I don’t let him be free and also because I don’t think well enough of myself to say I need you with me right now. I can’t imagine that he would give it all up for me right now and be happy. I just don’t think that I am good enough; I can’t believe I feel this way but I do. I have never really let myself look at how I am living and see that I have pushed myself into a place I don’t want to be. I think in my head I was hoping that he would look at how things where going and say, hey this is really not the best time to be staring a relationship maybe I should focus on what is happening in my existing relationships. But he did not he just went merrily on his way, which is really just him he never things about the consequences he does not like too. I kept thinking things would end quickly with this girl because it seemed like she was a short time spice person but things seem to be shaping up to be much longer.

This could all be fixed if I just said something to Rob about how I feel and what he is doing but I just cant seem to because I am just so afraid. It does not help things that his relationship with his wife is not going well either, but he does not want to talk to her about it because he is scared. I just hate the fact that our relationship has turned into one of fear, we should all be here for one another and we are not. We are slowly burning our bridges and we need to stop the fires before we cant get back.

Into Account

It is so easy to run to something new then to deal with something old. I think maybe its best to get a handle on what you have going on at home before you start looking outside.

I think I may need to wait before I make any changes to my life I might just be jumping the gun, maybe fate was trying to say something to me. If only everyone could see that same fact and take it into account.

Surprise

I have never been surprised by someone I love.  I have never had some one send me flowers at home or at work, I have never gotten a surprise visit while at work.  No guy has ever asked me out, and when it came time for marriage there was no surprise proposal from Rob or Dave.  No "Hey I have this romantic dinner planed or this late night stroll come and see" nothing like that.

The reason this came to mind was because last night Rob went and surprised someone at their work and all I could think is "Wow that is so cute, they look so happy. Surprises are so great" "Why has this never happened to me." I just don't know why I always have to do the pursuing.

I watched all these surprise proposals, birthday gifts, baby announcements and here's your boyfriend who you thought was away videos on YouTube and it just made me sad. Dancing, singing, flash mobs, cards with fun messages, clues that led you to a hidden place everything you could think of as a surprise.  Its all about telling this special someone that you think they are so amazing you can't help but show them how much and brighten their day.

With Dave for our 2nd anniversary I left notes for him all over the house all week long with things that I loved about him.  With Rob I have shown up places with surprise lunchs and sent pictures with little hints about special surprises hidden away for him.

I know this is all just a little disjointed but I just really wanted to put my feelings down and say that I just wish I had some fun and good surprises in my life.

Clash Of Kings (COK)

This weekend is one of my favorite Dagorhir event Clash Of Kings.  I look forward to it every year since it started this will be the forth year that its being run.  The group that started it is called Winterfell which for the people who read geek books and the HBO watches will know is from the Game of Thrones book series. 

I need this weekend like I have never needed a Dag event before, I need a break and to escape to my favorite place "Fantasy".  The event is three days long and its at a campground with rustic style cabins.  Which means they are really not meant for the fall and winter months, because its COLD!  But strangely I don't mind I kind of love it, it makes me feel alive.  I get to dress up in my fighting gear and beat the crap out of my friends and people I have just meet and not worry about going to jail.  Then I get to put on my beautiful dress garb and go to a yummy feast with all of the people I just beat on and laugh about it.  I love that feeling of being with people who are like me who get that same feeling when they put on their garb and step into our fantasy world.

One of my best friends is also going to be having her hand fasting at the event, its going to be so beautiful.  She has asked my twin sister and I to sing "Beggars to God" at the ceremony, I am so honored to be able to do this for her.

I am just counting the hours until I leave tonight, its going to be a blast.

If anyone is looking for their own fantasy escape with fun and fighting look for a Dagorhir group near you, or heck look for any other group like it.  Finding this sport has changed my life and given me so many friends and loved ones, I hope the same happiness for everyone.

In My Head

I still feel overwhelmed sometimes like I just can't get a hold of what's going on around me.  I don't want to feel like I am messed up in the head but I don't know how to fix it.  Normally I feel like I am pretty good at dealing with where my head is at but for once I feel out of control.  

Confidence

As this all happens I can't help thinking am I really that great or is he just saying it, I don't want to fish for compliments I feel like I just can't stop bitching about myself.  I want something but I just don't know what it is, and I how can I get it if I don't know what it is.  I'm tired of being this whacked out person and feeling lost. Can't I have a revelation like those people in the movies like "bingo!" can't I have that.

I want to be worth something, I don't want to be broken any more. I want to be a person to look at, to want, to still fall for. I just don't know how to feel that way anymore, don't know where my confidence has gone.

Want

I want to be someone that someone wants, I want to be wanted.  It's not that people don't want me in their lives it's just that I want to be "WANTED". Rob knows what it's like to be wanted by someone he has girls wanting him all the time. I want to feel that, I want to know what it's like to have someone just crave you. I know that Rob wants me but over time that want changes it mellows, I always get jealous seeing him be free to want others and have them want him.  Its not the people I am jealous of its the experience.

All this time I have been saying I am living in a Poly relationship and I am but I have been doing nothing Poly. I have been watching Rob from the sidelines wishing that I could be involved wishing that I could be out there on the field playing the game too.  It must be such a rush to feel that NRE to just reveal in someone burning for you again.  I don't know how to find something like that and I'm sick of thinking of settling for some girl I may not like just because she might be interested in me.  I want to find a girl who likes me and who I like but I don't know where to go or even how to look. I don't know if I even want to deal with the hassle of it all.

Sometimes

Sometimes it takes completely breaking down and crying as if there is nothing left for you to finally find your way.  I honestly did not know what to do anymore and I just had to let it out and hope everything came out for the best. It really hurt but I think thinks might be starting to look up again. I never dreamed that we would get to a place like that but I think the miscarriage threw us off our grove and left both of us in place where we felt out of control.  We just took different ways of trying to get control and freedom from our scary reality.

I have no idea what is going to happen now but I feel better, and even if its only a little better it tells me that there is an end to this tunnel of crap and I can reach it.  Poly is a scary thing people and I believe that honesty is the most important thing no matter what.  Honesty about everything not just the relationships your in, how your feeling, what you can handle EVERYTHING. Without it things will never work and everyone just gets hurt. I want my life to be more like that from now on it will take some doing but we have gone thru a lot in the last 6 years we can do this too.

Truth For Myself

So much has been beating down on me and I have been just letting it happen, I have let it steam roll me. I need to stand up and say how I feel and take control of my speeding car of a life. I love Rob with all of my heart but I need to be honest with him, we need to sit down and figure out where our life is going and how to get there happily. I need him to be more honest with me and I need to be more honest with him otherwise we are going to lose in this relationship game. I don’t want to lose what we have, the openness and the freedom of how we talk to each other. My heart would break if we had to separate but I am no longer going to sacrifice my happiness and my self worth to save it. If I don’t speak for myself I will just become a shadow of myself here with Rob but not really a person. I have been fading away lately and I have not liked how that has been feeling I am not ready to let this happen to myself.

I need to loss weight I am sick of being this fat girl, sick of being slow and out of breath. I need to care about myself and the people around me and actually make an effort to get this weight off of me. I have a lovely body and a beautiful face I’m sick of hiding it beneath all this fat. Truly that is what I am doing too; I’m hiding it because for some reason I feel like I deserve to be like this. I need to see myself as worthy to be thin and healthy; I want to feel like a real person.

I am going to change and our relationship is going to change, I know that this might not be easy but we need to become better. I need to make myself into the best person I can be. I need to except what I have and make it better, stop being sad about it and show what I can do with what it. If I can do this I know that I can be happy and that I can shine again, I can be the happy person I was and make all the people around me a little happier because of it.

Lies

I hate lies they make me crazy.  I am not perfect and have told my own lies in the past but I feel like I have done my best to turn over a new leaf.  Almost all of my past boyfriends (ex-husband) have lied to me.  My first boyfriend was dating another girl while he was dating me and I had to find out when she came to my lunch table at school and wanted to fight for him.  I told her she could have him and laughed about it, why the hell would I want to fight for him.  My ex-husband told me a ton of lies about his past and I eat it up until he finally told me the truth, and I forgave him.

What would you do if someone kept lying to you, do you keep taking it or do you finally take a stand and do something that tells them that its not ok to use you?

I hate when someone try's to make me feel like there is something wrong with me.

Let it out

I think I get why people do crazy and stupid things sometimes.  Like getting a really drastic hair cut or sleeping with some random person at a bar.  Or stealing a car for a joyride.  I think people do it to try to get out some pain or angry that is deep inside of them.  Something they just can't seem to handle and need some way to let it out even if they have to burn it out.  I also think it has some roots in controlling something in their life.  They can't control the other crappy things that are happening in their life but at least they can control this moment.

I have never wanted to be crazy or dumb but I will say that it does feel like I need to do something to deal with these feelings that keep building inside.  I need to find a way to let all of this out or I am going to explode.  

In One Of Those Movies

I feel like I am in one of those movies where everything is going wrong and the main characters are trying to do there best to fix it but it ends up not working.  Like the girl starts dating the guy to make the other guy jealous and she finally gets the guy but realizes that she is now in love with the fake boyfriend but now it's to late.  Or the couple who gets pregnant to fix their marriage but it only makes it worse.  Or the friends who accidentally kill some one and instead of telling someone they hide it and end up paying for it with their lives.

Thats how I feel right now like everything is going wrong and I am doing my best to make it better and make the best of it but I'm just going to get screwed in the end anyways. How do you fix that what can you honestly do but smile and bear it and hope everything does work out in the end, maybe I can get one of those romantic comedy endings instead.  I should be so lucky huh.

Empty Space

So much has happened lately and it really has made me think about how I am feeling about everything in my life.  I feel like I have lost myself somewhere in the last year or two, I don't know who I am.  At work I do a job just so I can make money, I have no idea what I am going to be doing in 10 years I have no ambition.  I tried to think of what my career goals are and I have none, there is nothing that I dream of doing.  I used to think I wanted to train but now I see how stressed out and unhappy our trainers are and I just don't think I want that.

At home I just feel lost and rundown.  I started taking singing lessons and for awhile it really made me feel good but I realized I was never going to do anything with it, I was not going to join a choir, do a play or sing with a group.  I had no drive to do anything, I am to scared and make excuses as to why I can't make the time.  I feel like a big empty space right now. I get to leave the house to hang out with friends maybe twice a month and I honestly have no drive to push for more time.  I'm so trapped and its my own doing I have given up trying to get out.

I watch other people experiencing life and I am so envious of them, I want the freedom to do what they do. Most of all I wish that I could be selfish and not care what will happen to the people around me if I make a bad choice and just do something that will make me happy.  I would love to throw my worries and responsibilities out the window and just follow a fun fling so that I feel special damn the consequences. But I am not going to do any of those things I am going to sit and cry and just feel worthless.

I need to stop feeling and acting like a teenage and act my age.  Choose my goals, find my friends again and not lean so heavily on the one think in my life that I thought was the most important. I need to figure out what I want and then kick myself in the ass.

WWE

So one of my secret loves is WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) Rob reinterduced me to it and I am so happy he did. I love the comedy of it and the difficulty because it really a difficult sport.  These guys have to put on a show while they are getting the poop beat out of them.  It is truly something that makes my Monday nights a joy.

Tonight one of the semi-retired wrestlers and commentator Jerry Lawler passed out at ring side, now they do a lot of fake Injuries on the show but this was real. I truly hope that he is ok he has had such a great career and is such an interesting person.  I send my thoughts to him and good wishes to him.

Coming Back From Failure

The last couple of weeks have been really hard for me in a lot of different area's of my life.  I have felt like a failure in so many ways. At my work I was demoted back to the phones after being a couch for 2 years, because of my attendance issues.  When it comes to illnesses for Ellie I am the one that has to stay home and if some one has to go get Ellie from daycare for some reason that is me as well. Rob makes a lot more then I do so my job is really the one that has to suffer. It's not really his fault because his job is really more important but it sucks that I am now stuck back on the phones. So this just makes me feel like I am a failure when it comes to my career.

Then I had a miscarriage and all I can say about that is it make me feel like a failure as a women even thoug I know it is not the truth.  I just feel like I can't do anything well, I want to do something well.

Right now I am really just trying to focus on the things I can control like being a good mom for Ellie and a good partner for Rob. Seeing Ellie and loving her with all my heart has really helped me with some of it, her little voice and happy smile is everything.

I want to get past the random crying for no reason and the anxiety about my life changing.  I want to have some stability in my life since nothing else seems to want to be stable for me, but I can't even have that.  It seems like everything just keeps hammering at me, one thing after another.  I want to come back from this failure not nesicarly as a winner but at least on an even keel. I need something good to happen for me I need someone or something to cut me a break and help me get back on my feet. I am just so tired, I know I can get there I am just so tired of all the crap that keeps getting thrown at me.

What Hurts

I’m just hurt and sad. I always though we had a pretty honest relationship and I just feel so hurt. Hurt because he feels like he has to lie and sad because he did. When I asked him to be honest about it he still lied to me and then asked me why I did not trust him. It made me so upset that he tried to pin it on me and make me feel bad.

Honestly the madness has really faded for me and now I am just really sad. I never wanted to be here, I wanted him to always feel like he could tell me everything. I try not to look at everything as if it is a one way street, so I wonder if this is something that I may have caused. Its very possible that he is the one to blame in this and he just does not want to be honest but it’s just as possible that I may have made him feel like he can not be honest with me for something’s.

I am so tired with everything that has happened to me in the last couple of months and I just don’t think I have it in me to deal with this.

Remembrance Tattoo

My mom made me a beautiful tattoo to remember my lost baby, it's amazing. A little explanation about it I already have two tattoos of my little ponies, a purple one for me and a yellow and orange one for Ellie.  So this really fits in with me, I feel like this will help me in a small way to feel like I will remember my baby. As I have said before I am so worried about forgetting this baby I need something to remind me in some way. 

Forgetting

I have never wanted anything more in my life then to be pregnant again, it's making me nuts. Rob and I talked about waiting 4 or 5 months before we started to try again and I just don't know if I can wait that long.  I have tried to explain to him how I feel and I just don't thing I am getting it across to him. I feel like I need to get past this part I need to get pregnant and get past the 11 week mark to feel safe.  Until I do I am just going to worry myself into a tizzy, thinking that I can't do it.  Before all this I read an artical once that talked about women wanting to have a baby right away after having a miscarriage and I could not understand it at the time. I would think "Why do that want to do that won't it be to hard so soon, or maybe they should give them self some time." But now I finally understand you have to its not about replacing the baby you lost its about feeling like your not a failure, that you can have a healthy and happy baby safely.

I am so scared about all of this, I feel like it never happened all of it the pregnancy and the lose. It's so frightening, I don't want to forget.

Miscarriage

I don't really know how to feel I had a miscarriage this week, the baby was just 11 weeks old. I know that it was early and that's what I keep saying to everyone when they say they are sorry. But in reality I am sad everything happened so quickly it almost does not seem real.  The miscarriage it's self was scary and traumatic, I had no idea what was going to happen. I wanted someone to be able to tell me what to do and how to possibly stop it.  By the end I just wanted it to be over and know if I had really lost my baby or not. I never really got the word, they just told me that I needed to get a D&C because the bleeding was so bad. I wanted to hear the words from my doctor to really know what happened, but I was so confused and lost I did not know what to ask or how.  I feel like I did not stick up for myself, I know that there was no stoping the miscarriage and that it did happen but I wish someone had explained more.

I wish I could have meet this baby we did not even get to hear its heart beat it was so early, I did not even have a name picked out. When It first started I had an ultrasound and they told me that there was a small tear of the placenta from the uterus which was causing the problem they told me to rest and not to lift anything. I did not get to see the ultrasound pictures, I wish that I had asked to see them just so I could of had something to remember.  But I was to focused on trying to make sure everything went ok. Then that night everything went to shit and I ended up in the ER by an ambulance and then in the morning that's when the pregnancy finally ended.

I miss the pregnancy, I miss the dream that this baby was.  I miss dreaming of what this baby would have been like and looked like.  Crying does not seem to help I think only time will make me better and having another pregnancy that does not end badly.  It's so scary knowing that this can happen for real instead of just to the people around me or in books and movies, it makes me worry that it will happen again.  I know it is not a guaranty that it will happen again but it is still so scary.

I want to do something to remember the baby by but I don't know what.  I have nothing to remember it by no ultrasound picture no body nothing it's so disheartening.  I was thinking a tattoo or a tree, but if the tree does not do well I think that will just make me sad.  Maybe a small plaque or a small box to bury I just don't know it's so frustrating.  I hate all of this, I hate feeling this way and going thru this I just wanted it to be ok but it was not.