Simple

I am really good at making my life complicated, why can't I just be happy with simple. I want to make sure that everyone is happy that I care about and in some ways that can hurt me. I love my husband lots but I know he likes different things so when he asks me can he do something I say sure I don't mind. At first I don't mind but then all I can think about is how complicated can this get will I have to deal with issues down the line, and I basically freak myself out. I don't mind harmless fun but when things become more serious like guy and girl all the way serious it can get tangled.

It really is a lot of my fault because if I really do not like it I should say so, but it is his fault too. A friend of mine tried to help and I think I may have crushed a nicely budding friendship with her because of this crap.

I have talked this thought with my husband and we have some new rules that we have agreed on and I think we are both a lot happier. I just needed to be more honest and he needed to not be so pushy, I hope that this will have cleared things up. I am happy I have somewhere to post this stuff otherwise I think I would go mad.

Dreams

I love dreams all my life I have wandered their twisted halls in wonder. Many of my dreams are like paintings, textured but colorful. Full of visions from my life but with amazing landscapes unimagined in the real world. The kinds of dreams I find the most interesting are my futures dreams. Since I was a child I have had dreams of the future nothing amazing like lotto numbers or who will become president but small moments in my life. Sometimes a week will go by before I see the image from my dream sometimes years. The moment that proved to me this was real was at my high school graduation when my class was practicing for the processional and one of the kids got kicked out for cutting up. I was stunned I remembered this scene clearly from a dream I had had years ago, I turned to my twin sister and saw the same look on her face she had had the same dream.

My favorite dreams are the dreams where I am kissing someone. Sometimes it's me that’s doing the kissing and sometimes I am someone else being kissed. The dreams are always so intense and real I feel a sense of loss when I wake up and I am no longer kissing that person. These dreams really get me especially when I dream about someone I know.

Go dream, meander thought the hills and sweet shadows of dreaming and find a mystery.

Threadless

I forgot I wanted to post about this cool new website I found for T-shirts. I love the cool pictures they have and I have bought two shirts from them already. They have a sale right now until Christmas for $10 T-shirts and there not the crappy kind that most sites throw at you for $10.

I guess I wanted to post about this because T-shirts play a big part in the geeky world I live in. Everyone wears their shirts and it gives away a little of their personality and style. I love it, I hope you guys like the site. I have a link to Threadless under my links go look have fun.

Flirt

I love to flirt, with everyone guy and girl alike. Well not everyone if I can tell they are not receptive I don't. I even flirt with friends I know are totally straight. I think one of the best things about being really close to a friend is being able to flirt with them comfortably.

I have always been really sexual and when I realized that I liked both guys and girls the world was like a candy store. I have always felt a little out of place thought since when I was growing up I always thought I was so huge even thought I was not. The problem was that all the girls in my school where so much smaller not just in weight but small frames and short. I was always tall and large in the shoulders and basically everywhere else. I was thin I did not start to get chubby until senior year when I got my first boyfriend I just thought I was bigger because of how much smaller they all where.

Things are better now for me because I am more comfortable in my skin and with the way I look. I don't care if I'm chubby I work with what I have which is a happy attitude and a friendly flirty smile. Like I said I love flirting it makes me fell good when people flirt back and I can tell they like me. I don't try to lead people on thought since I don't think that’s really fair. My married relationship is a little on the free side so it's ok if I flirt and with my husbands permission I can even do a little more. I try not to go crazy and to be honest since I have been married I have never had the opportunity to do more but its still fun. Right now there are only one or two people in my friend group that I would like to do more then flirt with buuuuuuttttt, with things being the way they are that can be iffy. Oh well at least I can still flirt.

Secrets

I have a secret, a happy one that I am dying to tell people. I am not supposed to tell anyone but I will tell you guys because I know you can keep a secret. I just found out a few days ago that my twin sister Sara is pregnant. I am sooooooo happy for her; she and her husband have been trying for three years. They where so surprised because Sara was feeling very tired and emotional and she did not know what was going on. When my sister and I where 17 she got very sick and lost the function of both of her kidneys. When we where 19 I gave her one of my kidneys, she has been fairly healthy since then, but when she started to fell funny about a week ago she was worried. Her husband told her to take the pregnancy test, at first she did not want to because she has taken so many in the past and they have always come back negative. This one did not, one more home test and a doctor’s test and she was finally sure enough to tell us all.

I can not even tell you how happy I am for her; she is my twin a piece of my soul and heart is always with her. But I find myself being jealous of her and I hate myself for it. I want so badly to have children and right now my husband wants me to wait for health reasons but I can't help thinking that maybe he just does not want any. I wish things where easier that I could just be happy for her with out this small amount of guilt. I am happy that I at least got to tell some of you how I feel and the good news. Thanks for listening.