Looking Back

This is a great time for me to look back at my year and see how it has unfolded.

Rob, Heather and I moved into our own apartment in May to great success. I now have both Thursday and Friday nights with Rob. I have my own bed room that I picked out most of the decorations for, finally.

Rob and I want to most if not all of the Saturday and Tuesday practices for Dag, we also did hit all of the Dag Battles in this area. Rob and I went to 4 days of Ragnork one of the biggest Dag battles and had a blast, we also went to Badon hill as a unit and where filmed for the new TV show called Wreckreation Nation on Discovery channel. The episode airs January 20th at 10pm and will most likely be replayed a million times! We now have 6 people in our unit and we are hoping to get more soon.

I have a name of a lawyer that I am going to call on Monday so that I can finally get my divorce from Dave. I have a car that I have made payments for on my own on time for the whole year. I have paid off most of my debts and am working towards paying off the rest of them. My niece turned 1, started walking talking and being cute in general. I lost a friend but gained a lot more. I talked to a women about the possibility of being on a show about Poly, have not heard anything back yet but these things take time. Kissed no new girls :( Decide to lose wight once and for all so I can have babies. Seen some truly amazing movies and read some wonderful books.

Well I think that pretty much sums it up but if I think of anything else I will add it later.

Weight

So I have finally hit the moment of it’s time to lose weight.

My work is doing this biggest loser contest and I signed up for it. You put in $20, there are three winners who lost the most weight, next highest weight lose and so on for the third. The first winner gets 65% of the pot, the second gets 30% and the last gets 5%. I entered this because I really wanted to make a change in my life but mainly because I want to get pregnant and I just can’t seem to.

I have been reading online a lot about Polycystic ovary syndrome which I am almost certain I have. I had a test at my OB’s office and they gave a tentative diagnosis of yes but I never had the change for it to get confirmed. But what I have read online really points towards it, irregular or nonexistent periods, pain in pelvic area and skin tags in neck and armpit area. Plus it helps that Sara has it and we are identical twins. Losing weight can really help with this syndrome and in general will help me.

I want to have a baby with everything in me, I know it may not be the right time but I don’t want to wait any longer. I can do this I can get my life and weight on track, I actual know what works for me I just have to stick to it. I work best with moderate exercise everyday or every other day, portion control also works well for me. I’m going to get my gym membership squared away and then I am going to start going again, I am also going to start doing some exercise at home. Everything I have read says to write a journal about all the things your doing to get healthy and to have a goal, well here is my journal and my goal is babies. If I want this bad enough I can do it.

Current weight: 300 even

Party

Tonight I am going to a friends Christmas party which will be nice I will be giving them more time together and I can relax a little and get some thinking done. I hate that I have spent most of this week away from home but maybe it’s good for me to get out. I think I have to make more of an effort to do stuff outside the house give Rob and Heather time to just be with one another even if it’s just them watching tv or Heather on her computer and Rob near by.

Messy

So I guess after talking to Rob about how she feels, thinks are better for Heather. Rob has also realized that he was not giving her as much attention as she needed.

This is great don’t get me wrong I am happy they worked it out but urgggg! This big deal was made out of it and now its nothing, blown a way as if it was so much dust and dirt. I guess a lot centered on me how my habits annoy her and how I don’t do enough at the house. Also how she feels that I am not truly committed to Rob since I have yet to get my divorce. I try not to be mad about these things because honestly I can be messy and even though I make excuses that I don’t have any time for the laundry I do I just have to do it when I want to be doing something else which sucks but life sucks.

But I am mad, I know I’m messy, I forget things, and I tend to put stuff off for a later time because I am scared about it or just plain lazy but how the hell does she know how I feel. I love Rob, I love him so much I gave up my marriage which even though crappy was normal to get in to a relationship where I will never feel truly safe. I have no guarantee of stability, at a moments notice she could say she can no longer handle me and in the end out I will go. Rob may decide that he can’t live with out me or he could try to fight her over it but in the end she may stick to her guns and done it will be. Then what will happen will he continue to try to see me on the side which eventual I will have to end because I can’t truthfully live like that forever. Or will it end right away and it will have to go on my own, which at this point I am ready to do if need be, I will be shattered to pieces but I will do it. I know she is sad I know she is having a hard time really I do but I do not feel like she has a right to say something like that. I have never once said to Rob that I don’t think Heather loves him and if I have said anything about her feelings for him then I am truly sorry I don’t have that right.

I love him, I will get the divorce. It’s hard and scary and when I look at it all I can see is a daunting task. But I will do it, I will pull up my boot straps and get it done. Until then I need her to give me time and to not make judgments. This is fucking hard for everyone, she is not the only one suffering, this was not what I original wanted for my life and even once I have excepted this life style this is not the way I would have wanted it either. I would love to be in a relationship with two people who both love me not just a relationship where one person loves me and the other one puts up with me. I truly feel that this is how it is with Heather she puts up with me because she has to. I love Heather she drives me nuts and things are not perfect but I truly do care about her well being, I just don’t know if she feels the same way. Did I make the right choice? Sometimes I don’t know, I think she is just doing this to keep Rob but how long will it take her to just hate it and us.

Blow Over

SO all this and nothing, I leave to give them some time to them self and I don't think anything was discussed. If they did I'm not going to hear about it, I will have to bug Rob and I hate that.

I should just ask but I don't want to upset Heather if they did talk about some things. Plus I know I will say the wrong thing and it will all go out the window. Sometimes I am so straight forward I just want people to stay stuff and get it out in the open, just say it for gods sake. What is the matter? Are you happy? Do you hate me? Please!

I am just going to sit here and stew and wait it's the only way, hope someone says something.

Shit!

Shit shit shit shit shit!!! I though we where doing well but I guess I'm wrong fuck fuck. All this time I had no idea that anything was wrong, I knew she was down because of her mom but she has not said word one of how she is feeling neglected and uncared for. Part of it is that I may have really not been seeing the signs but she has never voiced anything. I don't know if she has been talking to Rob about this but I did not know I would make some effort do what I can to fix things but god. URGGGGGGGGG! Shit shit shit!

I don't know what to do, fuck I do know what to do. We all need to sit down and talk like I told Rob we needed to do months ago to see how we are doing, but it's as much my fault as his I could have asked to but I was happy floating along. I guess things need to change, you think things are all right then you get smacked in the face yippee!!!

This could have all been prevented we really need to make an effort to talk more often.

Fuck Shit Balls!!!

Snuggling

So I spent the morning in bed with Rob. Snuggling, kissing, giggling, and talking about how much we loved each other. It was silly, lovely and I am so happy for the days that I get to do this. I feel like it reconnects me to him and recharges my love batteries, which over the days and weeks take a beating as normal life grinds away at it.

We talked about the children we plan to have, what we want to name them and what we think they will look like. I think the boy is going to have slightly curly brown hair, and the little girl with have really curly red hair. What every they will look like they will be smart and funny and full of sass. Once they get old enough I know Rob is going to teach them all sorts of tricks to play on their moms and how to look the cutest when they are in trouble. We even talked about having them take fencing classes when they are old enough.

I’m so happy I had this morning I will glory in it for as long as I can :)

Thanksgiving

I’m thinking about Thanksgiving and I’m nervous. I love that I am going to get to be with Heather and Rob but it’s the rest of the family that I am worried about. Last year I went to Heathers sisters house for their family Thanksgiving and Heather has invited me to go along again this year. I’m worried that her family is starting to wonder what I’m doing, they know I’m getting divorced and that I live with Heather and Rob but that’s about it. I think that they are asking questions as to why I keep coming to family functions and why I have not moved on. Soon I think they are going to figure out that something strange is going on.

I keep thinking that we will have to tell them someday but as more and more time passes I am seeing that day coming closer and closer. Within a year or two they are going to know something’s up if I am still living with them and I don’t have a boyfriend.

I don’t know the timeline to this stuff, when do we start telling people. My parents know, Rob and Heather’s don’t. Most of our friends know but Dave does not. I know he is my soon to be ex but what happens after he finds out could be bad if he gets mad. He could decide to tell everyone, and we can go around saying it’s lies but people are going to put two and two together and eventual come up with the answer.

Maybe I am stressing to much about this stuff, I am just going to be happy that I get to be with my loved one for this holiday and look forward to when everyone knows and we can rest easy.

Rambling

I fell better knowing that I can make love to him. Everything can be so hard but when I am with him holding him it all seems so unimportant. All my life sex has seemed to be a guard for me a safe place I think that’s why I have clung to it so strongly. It’s not like I have had a horrible life but I think some things have shaped me more then I can understand.

Sara is a big part of it, I need to be close to someone because of her. I have always had her near and felt her love, annoyance, anger, happiness everything I can’t live without it. I think if I had to live on my own I would eventually crumble, I need to be with someone I have had that my whole life. I think at first I was filling my life with men that would do that for me fill my need of love and I don’t think I ever really thought about the choice I just did it. Now I think for the first time I am really thinking, using my brain to see Rob and all the things he represents. In some ways he has forced me to do that for so long I looked at my behavior and said it’s ok I can’t help it people have to understand that. What I have come to see is that yes they understand but that does not mean that it does not hurt them. He made me see things in my self that I needed to change, he helped me to realize that I had to do something’s on my own. I hope that I have been able to change him in some good way, or to see himself or the world in a different way.

All I know is that right now I fell like I am new. I feel lost in him and life and love. Living in our home being with Heather and him give me so much joy. I bitch and complain about little things but I don’t think I have ever been happier. All my bills are paid on time, I have a nice clean room and house to live in and lots of friends. When I get to sleep with him, it’s such a small bed and sometimes I fell hot or he steals the blankets and I’m cold or I’m squished on the edge of the bed. But even because of all of that I would not give it up I love having him laying there, felling his warm fighting for the blankets, snuggling up to him. The way he looks at me sometimes is so amazing, he looks as if he loves me so so much, cherishes me even.

All of this is a little bit ramble but it all just sort of came out and I wanted to let it.

Tempers

So it’s been a long weekend and a really long time since I posted on this blog. Mainly it’s just that I have been really lazy and I find that I mainly only write when I am upset or I figure something out in my life. So this is a figure something out about my life moment.

On Saturday we had a battle for Dagorhir, it was the first one my sister has run. All together it was pretty fun, there where some raised tempers and some painful shots but other then that it was a good time. Near the end of the battle we where fighting a portal battle where two teams fight against each other to see who can hold the portals. I was on one team and Rob was on the other, the fighting was long and I was getting mad. At one point I came up against Rob and of course he killed me, without even thinking I called him an “ass” and walked away, he tried to call me back but I just left. At the end of the battle I tried to apologize but he told me that he did not want to talk to me right now he did not even want me close to him. Needless to say the rest of the day sucked I felt bad and mad at the same time, I was mad because I though he was over reacting and I was sad because I don’t like people I like mad at me.

When we got home I spent the rest of the night cleaning my room upstairs while he was downstairs hanging out with a friend of ours. Finally he came upstairs and we talked, it was hard and scary. The worst part is that I realized that I was wrong, he had all the reason in the world to be mad. I have always thought that my temper was not that bad and it truly is not but once I looked at it I can see that in it’s own way it is. I don’t get mad at everything, scream, yell, or hit anything or break anything. I store everything up and then finally explode and I usually says something with out thinking, it’s fast and gone within a second but it’s there and I can be mean.

Rob stated that he did not care that we where on the field fighting against one another, that he was still my boyfriend which means I should be respectful to him which means not calling him names. He was really not sure how he can deal with my temper the way it is, the way he spoke it made me think he wanted me to leave if I could not change.


Updated 11/21/2008
I want to post this because it was important feelings I was having at the time but I never finished, it will have to stay unfinished but that's just how it is. Things worked out fine between us, I had to come to the realization that I was not perfect and that Rob works really hard at keeping his temper which can be as bad or even worse then mine. I got mad at him when he was mean to Megan and lost his temper he has the right to want me to be better about my temper as well.

Shop

So my mother has started her own little shop on a very cool website called Etsy I love the stuff they sell here and I am super happy that she has done this. She has been working on these little dolls forever and I am happy that she finally can do something with it that will help her. I am posting the link here because I really want to show my support.

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5667505

Body Makeup

Babies such a horrible problem for me. I desperately want one with a need so strong it overwhelms me sometimes. Right now is just not the right time to have one it really is not, but I can’t get my mind and body to care. Heather’s starting a new job, her mother is dying, we just moved into this apartment, and we are trying to get ourselves financially stable. I want to care I need to care but I just can’t seem to. I am so scared that I will never have children and I want them so badly. I don’t want to go on the pill because for some reason I truly feel that if I do that will be the end I will never have children if I do.

I don’t know what it is but I feel like I am running out of time that if I don’t do this soon I never will, and I also feel like I need to. I don’t know if this is just my stupid female body doing this to me or if it is something deeper driving me.

I just don’t know what to do, it’s stupid I should be able to relax and just let it happen but I can’t. I have gone on and on about this is the past and it seems to just keep coming back to me full circle. I want to stop, I’m so stressed out over it but nothing seems to be helping. I don’t want to cry about it, I don’t want to think about it, it breaks my heart.

Why can’t I be like a normal women one who can have a baby with a little planning why does my body have to suck, why can’t it work correctly. With me it could take years for me to get pregnant and that’s with a lucky shot. If for some reason I can’t get past my body issues I don’t think I can even adopt not with the relationship I am in, I am almost sure that no adoption agency would place a child with me. Plus I will never have the money to do all the crazy fertility stuff or to pay some women to have my kid. I just don’t know what to do and honestly sometimes it kills me, I look at women who can have children so easily and it makes me cry. I want to hold a baby in my arms and smell it and fell it breath, knowing that I did that. I hate myself why can’t I do this something so part of my makeup the makeup of all women and I can’t.

I know that I could get lucky when the time is right and just pop I’m pregnant but I just don’t think so. My heart is just heavy and I feel a little gray right now I’m just not my normal happy self. I hope I can get over this it’s just hard.

Up and Down

So my weekend was a full one, some really great times and some really really crapy times.

On Saturday Rob, Heather, Matlock and I went to Darien Lake for my work Picnic. We had a great time, there was free food for both dinner and lunch and free drinks as well. We rode some water rides and even got to go on some rollercoaster’s; in the whole it was an amazing day.

Now for Sunday not such a good day it sucked as a matter of fact. So the morning was nice I woke up early and Rob saw me so he came and tucked me and laid with me until I feel asleep again. When I finally woke up again we all spend sometime playing on our computers then we got ready for gaming. Rob was super happy about using his new mini which Heather had done an amazing job painting, and we where looking forward to really getting in to Eric’s game. Now for the crap, so we finally get to Eric and Autumns place after stopping at the store quickly and the first thing I notice is Megan is sitting in my seat. Now I am carrying stuff so I did not have a chance to say anything, I did plan on saying something once I had put my stuff down but Rob got to it first sadly. I could tell as soon as he got in the door he was pissed, he looked at Megan and said it was not her seat she ignored him as she often does and then he asked her to move saying it was our seat. Megan said it used to be but it was a new game so it was not anymore. Now mind you I was mad at this comment since it was my seat she was in and I understand that there are no name plates written on them but I had been sitting there for some time and things had worked out just fine. But I was willing to let it go until I had a chance to talk to her, but this only made Rob madder so he got mean. He told Megan that he did not want to sit next to her because she smelled, Heather and I tried to calm him down but Megan was pissed now so she commented back and it just want badly from there. Rob finally came to me and asked for the keys, he kissed me and Heather and then went to leave as he was doing so he punched Megan in the arm and told her that it was the best he could do and left. He did not really hurt her with the punch but it was still bad and we all knew it including Rob, mind you he does not fell badly about it but he knows it was wrong.

This of course makes things hard, I am very mad at Megan because I feel she was being antagonistic on purpose and to be honest I have not had friendly feelings towards her for some time. But now because of Rob hitting her that throws all this out the window, I can’t be mad at her even thought I feel she was as much at fault in this argument as Rob was. It spiraled out of control and if he had just walked out we may have been able to deal with it but now we can’t. I understand Rob’s temper he is amazing I have only really seen him lose his temper twice including this since I first meet him which was ten years ago; but when he does it is usually bad. So the fact that he only hit her in the arm and not very hard at that is a miracle, the likelihood of him knocking her teeth out was really high. I am not saying that we should be happy with what he did by any stretch of the imagination but it’s true that it could have been much worse.

I don’t know how to feel here, Rob says he will not came back as long as Megan is gaming with us. I don’t like Megan very much I have tried very hard to give it time so that I can find it in me to like her but I realize that honestly in life you don’t have to like everyone. This is hard for me to handle because I try really hard to be nice to everyone and to find something good in everyone because I know I am not a perfect person so I fell I have no right to judge. But I just can’t like everyone and I think after this I really don’t like Megan, I will continue to game with her but I can’t be her friend. I will continue to be friendly and polite but I don’t plan to hang out with her outside of gaming in any fashion.

When it comes to Rob it’s hard for me to know how to feel, I love him with all my heart and understand that there are certain parts of his personality that will never change as there is in all people, but this one is a hard one. When he dislikes a person he is done with them, he will handle them for a while but when he is done he is just done. He knows he has a bad temper and realizes if he goes back to gaming he will most likely do something that he will regret. He is very depressed about not being able to game anymore with all the rest of the friends but he feels his hands are tied because he just can’t handle Megan with the feelings he has. He also realizes that this is very childish and stupid in a way but again he knows that he can try all he wants but this is a part of his personality he can not suppress. Megan has hit his shit list and thus he can’t take her off not without some miracle. I get it but it does not mean I am happy, I love gaming with Rob so this means Heather and I will have to go to gaming on our own, we only really get two days of complete time with him Heather less because she normal has stuff to do with her family on Saturday. I don’t know what to do I don’t want to stop gaming and Rob is not asking us to he is encouraging us to continue but we want to spend time with him.

Right now I am trying to talk Rob into coming back but I don’t see that happening but Heather and I plan to continue to game with everyone. We will most likely leave a little earlier then we used to just so we can spend some time with Rob but that is subject to change as is everything else.

I really just want things to be fixed I hate stress and drama I really do it makes me feel crappy and ill, everyone in our house is sort of walking around in a depressed fog and I hate it.

Camera

I really really need a camera I hate missing out on pictures. I don't want to look back on my life and have nothing to mark it by, pictures really help you remember things and I want that.

Not Much

I'm sad and happy I don't have much to post lately. This is good because a lot of times I post because I have an issue and lately there have been no major issues.

Rob, Heather and I are really just feeling stuff out, things are going well and I'm happy to no end. I do feel thought that we really need to sit down and have a talk to see how we are all feeling. Mainly because Heather is very good at keeping stuff to herself and I think without us forcing her to talk she may not say it.

One great thing is that it has been a full year since I left Dave as of the 5 of July, and I am so happy about that. I am not happy about the fact that I am not divorced yet but I really have a hard time finding a good lawyer, I wish I knew someone who knew a lawyer. So much had happened in this year and when I look back it boggles my mind.

I have moved in with Rob and Heather, I have two nights with him every week, we show our love pretty openly which is great and I think we really are starting to build a life together. I have also changed a lot as a person, I am happier, I am better with my money, I am trying hard not to lie anymore because I really hate it, and I fell more like myself.

I have talked to Rob about the fact that I really want to have some sort of commitment ceremony next year, don't know when exactly but I am thinking the summer some time. He seems really interested but he really wants to have Heather involved as do I. He thinks that if it is a commitment ceremony where I am marrying to both of them and not just them it will make it easier for Heather and I agree. It will be about sharing my life with both of them and not trying to separate Heather and Rob's relationship. Know I just need to think of how we are going to do it, maybe I will post on my Poly boards and someone there will have a good idea. I really want my friends to be there, also my parents would be happy to be there as well don't know about Rob or Heathers but probably not. I think it's going to end up a lot like a handfasting, so we shall see.

I'm Just Here

Sometimes I am worried that I am ruining Rob and Heather’s marriage. I know I am giving myself a lot of power here since I am really only on the outside of things but it does not stop me from worrying about it. Things are hard for them because of a lot of stuff going on in our lives and I am the least of those troubles, I guess I just feel like I add stress where it does not need to be added.

I’m sad I can feel it creeping up on me trying to nibble its way into my brain. I am trying so hard to not worry about it and just be happy with all the good stuff that is going on but it’s hard. I should not be sad I have a lot, a nice place to live, good friends that I feel like I’m connecting with again and a man who loves me very much. I guess the problems that Rob and Heather are having are effecting me to. Rob seems so down, he is taking all of this so hard I wish I could help him but I can’t. This lifestyle can be hard in more ways then I though of when I started this, I hope things will start to look up. I plan on watching a great and sexy movie tonight and I know that will help to bring my spirits up.

Attraction

Stupid attraction, stupid, stupid, stupid. I'm not a magnet, I can't help it.

Damnit

Damnit damnit damnit! I am so sick of sleeping alone, that's it that is all the whining I am going to do about this.

Slash That

So slash the two nights thing as soon as I get it, its gone. Rob and Heather are having some problems and as sad as I am about giving up what I've just earned I realize their marriage is more important then a night. I think I am part of their problems but surprisingly enough not the main contributor I think other things are coming out ahead.

I really hope that this can get fixed because I really do like the two of them together, I think they may need counselling but it is so hard to find a Poly friendly one. I'm sad about this but even before Rob told me the night was off for a bit I had decided to tell him to go sleep with Heather. Let the summer relationship drama begin.

Yuck I want things to be happier, I was so hoping that moving to the new place would give us a chance for some peace but I guess not right now. I hope everyone else's summer goes well.

Update: More Nights

So Heather gave me Thursday I did not even have to ask she just said "Hey I was thinking it's time you got another night how about Thursdays?"

I don't know what to say I was stunned and so happy, things must be going better then I think they are.

Rob and Heather are having some issues but unfortunately I don't know how soon that will be fixed. Rob is resentful that Heather is choosing her family over him, he misses her and is upset that the last 6 years of their marriage she has been taking care of them and now that we have moved away he still never sees her. He wants to really have a marriage with her but it feels like they are just not connecting and he is worried. Rob and I are getting closer but he still loves her and a big part of him wants her to be more a part of our new life.

A lot of this is not Heathers fault her mom is ill and is not really getting better. The Doctors have told them that there is nothing else they can give her, no more drugs or antibiotics she is pretty much on her own. They have even gone so far as to say hospice should be an option that they look into. I don't think she is going to make it much longer, their is really not to much else the doctors can do. One min she gets out of the hospital the next min she is right back in. Heather is over run, over tierd, over stressed, and just plain sad. Sometimes I don't think Rob sees that, Heather does need to spend more time here but until things have been decided about her mother one way or another they are going to be her priority.

Other then the sad stuff things are going pretty well, works not bad rag is coming up and the weather is super super nice!!

More Nights

SO I am ready to start getting some more nights with Rob then just the one night I have right now. This of course means that I have to get up the guts to go up to Heather and ask her if it's OK if I steal her husband from her for another night, thus being the ultimate bad guy. I hate this part of the relationship I just want the Hi I'm stealing your husbands time and love away from you part over. I understand there are going to have to be baby steps here since this is not what Heather wanted in the first place but Ugg every time I have to do it I find myself getting mad.

Sometimes I just want Rob to be the one to ask her not me, not because I don't want the responsibility, well to be fair it is partially that but it's also because I want him to make a stand for me. I feel like if he asks it will be him making a point that he loves me and that he wants to spend more nights with me, right now it just feels like I'm the bad guy. In the sense that when I ask it's like Rob would be oh so happy to sleep with Heather all the time if it weren't for this horrible Chandra girl wanting him all the time. I'm stealing him away, he is not saying I want to be with her, what he is saying by not asking himself (or even voicing this is what he wants to when I ask) is that I am only sleeping with her because she is asking.

I could easily be reading to much into this but it's how I fell and sometimes I just don't know how to voice it. I don't want to be greedy but I try not to go out of my way to ask for more time from him like dates or sleeping with him extra nights, I think I may have asked once or twice but I think that is pretty reasonable. I also don't mean to spend a lot of time with him during the week, Because Rob has voiced an opinion that he misses Heather and that he does not get to spend much time with her. HE is not blaming me for this mind you, the time we get together is more because we share the same hobbies. If Heather would come to dag with us maybe she would get to see him more, but she continues to make excuses for not going instead of just saying I don't like Dag much I may go to some battles but don't expect me a practices. Then maybe Rob and her can try to make arrangements to spend sometime together. Rob is just bad as her when it comes to making time, if he really missed her that much he would find some way to see her. Really the only reason Rob and I spend as much time together is because we both go to dag and I am a pushy girl when it comes to spending time with the people I like.

Don't get me wrong Rob can be romantic and sweet, but the reality is that both he and Heather are hermits they would truly be content to sit in there computer room for hours on end and just be with each other. Which to be honest I would not mind doing with them if it was possible which sadly it is not what with me having no real usable desk or computer in the computer room. Some day I may have said desk and computer but as to when I don't know, right now I am tempted to just tell Rob to take my desk out of there to give him and Heather more room and I will just stick with using my laptop in my bed room or in the living room.

Oh well I am done with the ranting I will now go get ready to beat people with swords and hopeful get the nuts needed to ask Heather for some more time.

Trifecta Homecoming

We have moved in to our new house and are finally alone, A moment of silence please…..



Ah so peaceful. I am so happy I can not even speak, being in a place all your own really makes a difference. No one to bother us no one to be in the middle throwing off our happy little trifecta grove.

I have a room all my own with a new bed, bed sheets, pillow cases, comforter, bookshelf, end tables, closet system and blanket chest. I took of the ugly closet doors and covered it with some amazing curtain Heather gave me that match my bedspread, the coolest thing about this is that I hung the curtain rod myself drilled holes and everything. It such a small thing but I have never hung a curtain before, it was such a power thing for me. I also put together my closet organizer and the book shelves for our living room, me and building things go together well. Everything is starting to come together, I walk into my clean put together room and I have a true sense of comfort and home.

The neighbors a house down came over on Sunday to drop of some cookies and to introduce themselves they where so cute with there five little kids, it was nice to get a warm welcome.

Having a new place really feels amazing I am going to have to get used to things when Rob and Heather fight because I really get this whole Mom and Dad are fighting feeling. When they fight they tend to let it drag on it’s almost like a battle to so who can hold out the longest before one of them says I’m sorry. For me I can’t be mad for long it truly makes me physical ill, I get horrible headaches and I feel nauseous my body can’t handle the stress of being angry. I like to fix stuff up as soon as I can and move on so we can all be happy again. The nice think is that Rob is willing to admit that both parties in the argument are in the wrong, maybe one more then the other but he always apologizes for his part and means it. With Dave I never got that it was always me apologizing and him looking smug.

This feels like a new chapter in my life, I am taking better care of my self making sure my bills are all paid on time and in full and just glorying in not having to hide how I feel. I think this is going to be good for all of us, there is still a little more unpacking to do but I think that the apartment is going to look great and that our relationship is going to be so much stronger.

Late Night Ramblings By A Chandra

Sometimes I just don't feel like me, like one second I know who I am and the next I just feel like I'm walking in a fog. I'm 26 and I feel so very young but I don't know how else I should feel I keep waiting for the day I will grow up but I just can't see it coming. I feel like I'm in love but I'm scared that I'm just walking down a dead end road, who am I, what made me think this was the right thing.

My grandfathers death made me think of so many scary things, like what would I do if Rob died? My grandfather is never going to see my children, where will I go for Christmas and Thanksgiving? How soon will it be before I have to worry about my parents, If Heather dies before Rob and I will we make it together alone?

At the memorial service they had a table set up with some of my grandfathers things, the hardest thing for me to look at was the coffee cup and saucer, the little spoon resting on the side. It was such a staple of who he was every time I saw him he had a cup of coffee at one point or another. Here's what his life came down to for me that little cup of coffee, I would never see him drink it again or even just hold it. He really is dead. So much was poured into that stupid cup for me and I just don't know how to think about it or handle it. I keep thinking that this should not be a big thing I should be able to move on but I just can't seem to put it away. I say I am but I'm not, I want to be strong but I'm just not.

Deep down I'm tired, I know everyone else is too it's just that I try so hard to pretend I'm not. I bitch to my friend and she listens but why does it have to wait so long, why can't I just say I hate this I don't want to be careful I don't care what other people think. I know it's because I do I don't want to hurt the ones I love but so much is riding on one little step. Journal's are for bitching I would not have them any other way.

I hate that their here too, it totally cuts into our life and the way we live. It's there house but I want to be gone, well and truly away so we don't have to play hidey games and who will say honey first by accident and have to explain it.

The I go and watch a movie "Juno" which I find I truly love and of course I cry because it's about a teenager having a baby and what do movie's about babies do to me? The same thing they do every time Pinky they make me cry. I can't kick it no surrey bob. Babies on my mind all the time sweet little pink things. I want to be the one all sweaty and crying holding the baby in my arms that I just pushed out my girl part. I want to smell it's amazing little head and count its many little fingers and toes, I want to look up into Rob's face and see tears in his eyes as he looks at his baby, for gods sake I would take him just smiling like an idiot if he does not want to cry.

I'm also sick of myself and sex, for once in my life I don't want to think about it all the time. I love it and it is very much a part of me but I just want it off my brain for a little bit. Who am I sex girl, doing and thinking of nothing else. Ug I want sex so bad right now but I also don't know if it's just me thinking that but my body really just does not care.

Maybe I just want this chapter to end already and the new one to start, no more dilly dally. The show must go on and all that crap, bring on the stage hands to strike the set. I need to lay on my new bedroom floor in my bare feet and just smell the air and know it's mine. I need for Rob to lay next to me even though he thinks I'm a nut because he understands how I feel that this is a new life for me something amazing that we are making together, with love, children, friendship, and long days to look forward to. Closing my eyes and letting the silliness of it just slip away and just being there and feeling that shift as things finally go down the right course, that it what I want.

Remember these are just words, they are truths but not ones to bury yourself with. Ramblings of a late night Chandra and her crazy pink skull filled mind.

Some Q&A

ECHNOLOGY
Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A picture from an online comic I love called Dominic Deegan: Oricale for Hire. Its really lovely hard to explain what it looks like.

Q. How many televisions you have in your house?
The one I am in right now has 4. My apartment that I will soon be moving into will have 1, its huge though.

BIOLOGY
Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right. I was born able to use both but now I am a righty.

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A Kidney, to my twin sister, she sucks.

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
HUmmmmm, a heavy box yesterday. We where moving stuff into the garage to get ready for the move. yippee.

Q. Have you ever been knocked out?
Nope, I have been knocked silly before. I think anyone who has siblings has most likely been knocked silly once or twice.

BULLSHITOLOGY
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Oh this is hard because in someways I really want to know, so I can be ready and make sure to tell the people I care about how much they mean to me. I really don't want to know because if it's soon I will be so pissed I really have things I want to do like have a BABY!!!!! Ug sorry.

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Nope I love my name it's neat and I think different.

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
Burgendy is a great color on me.

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item?
I think a marble and maybe a penny when I was younger.

DAREOLOGY
Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
You can pay me for it if you want but I would totally do it without the money, ummm girl lips so soft and lovely.

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
I have to say no. I have a phobia about my hands, I need they to stay perfect and working. I get all scared and shaky thinking about something happening to them.

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
Totally I love blogs but money is the good, and I could still write in a journal.

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
Oh my god yes, I have always wanted to pose in the nude and to get payed good money for it is even better.

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
No, never every I have seen what happens when you do that and it is a gross and yucky thing.

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
No, simple and completely no. There are people I don't like but I could never do something like that I think in the end it would kill me to. My mom once told me that if anyone did anything to her children she would make them pay, but not by killing them. She said she would hunt them down and torture them until they truly knew how she felt and she would not be nice, I could totally see myself doing that to someone in the same situation.

DUMBOLOGY
Q: What is in your left pocket?
Nothing I am not wearing pant's, hehe I am in my PJ's and no pants involved. WINK!

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
yes. I likey.

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
Both.

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
Stand most times if I am feeling tired or sad I sit.

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
Two pairs I love them.

FAVORITOLOGY
Q: Number?
7 my birthday.

Q: Season?
Fall, I love the smell of the air and the sound of the leaves crunching on the ground.

Q: Color?
I love Purple but I am starting to really like hot pink.

CURRENTOLOGY
Q: Missing someone?
Oh yup, my parents, my sister, amazing Mina, my friends everyone, most of all my man.

Q: Mood?
Relaxed, trying to stay that way. Also totally turned on but I have to be a good girl I was lazered in the girl parts so no fooling around.

Q: Listening to?
Over the rainbow the Hawaiian version sung by Jason Castro.

Q: Watching?
Made on Mtv.

Q: Worrying about?
My grandfathers service, I don't want to cry and be sad but I know I will be.

Q: Wearing?
my PJ's a cute blue and black night gown with contemporary flowers on them.

RANDOMOLOGY
Q: First place you went this morning?
Bathroom, sorry had to pee.

Q: What can you not wait to do?
Have sex I want sex so bad.

Q: Do you smile often?
All the time I love it.

Q: Are you a friendly person?
I think I am, I like to be happy and friendly.

Service

So last night was a hard night for me, I went to bed around 11:30pm but did not finally go to sleep until around 2:00am. I was laying in bed thinking about my grandfather’s memorial service that is this Saturday and what I was going to wear when I started to cry. Here I was thinking about what is the right thing to wear to say goodbye to my Grumpa and it was too much. I feel like I have been doing so well with his death but thinking about actually being there and truly feeling that he is gone is so scary.

I know it is not Rob’s fault that he can’t really come, mainly because of the whole already married thing but I am really sad that I have no one to go with me. My family will be there of course but Rob is so good at making me feel safe and loved that I wish he could be there to hold me since I know I am going to cry. Just writing this I am starting to tear up which is bad since I am at work.

The closer I get to Saturday the harder it is for me to not think about it, god I have never dealt with this before. I think I will be ok I just hope that I can hold it together, I really just want to be happy, I am so bad at being sad. I feel wrong when I am sad, like I am letting myself and other people down I need to not feel that way. I know its ok for me to be sad I just don’t know how to let myself, I’m afraid I will just break down into tears YUCK.

Oh well I will write more after the service, can’t wait to see my family I just wish it was for a happier reason.

Fighting

I hate when Heather and Rob fight, it’s stupid but it feels like when my parents used to fight I just want to fix it. I want them to get along I hate seeing them angry at each other, plus I feel stuck in the middle. I like being a happy person so when other people around me are sad I feel sad too, plus I have to tread carefully so as not to make anyone mad at me since they are already in mad mode.

The argument mainly has to do with money and how said money is spent for the new apartment. I feel like I’m in the middle because some of the big things that need to be bought are a bed and bedroom furniture for my room. I keep thinking that Heather has to be thinking in her head that if she did not have to spend money on my stupid stuff she could use it for more stuff that she wanted. I’m scared to make her feel resentful of me so I am trying to make sure to pay for the bed myself but it seems to be a sticking point. I don’t have the money for the bed right now so until I do they are going to have to pay for it then I can pay them back.

She found a bed for me today and as much as I am happy that she found it I can’t help but think that she got it out of the way because she was mad and sick of hearing about it. I don’t want to be an issue I hate that I still feel like I don’t know my place.

She could still decide “Hey I hate this I totally want this girl out of my face” and dump me to the curb. I guess I just want some sort of word from her that she has excepted this and that baring me being a huge idiot and doing something dumb (like cheat on Rob, steal money from them or any other big relationship ending thing) that I get to stay an she will not fight it.

Ug this is all I every talk about “When will she except me, I’m so scared, what will I do” Whine, whine, whine, whine, whine. So tired of this, I just want to relax no more stress please, please. I am such a dork, really a big one.

As one

I’m ready to be married to Rob; all I want is to be with him forever. I know that I can never be married to him in the legal sense but to me that does not really matter; the emotional and spiritual part is what my heart longs for. So much has happened to us in the past year amazingly good and horrible bad but all of it has just brought me closer to him. For awhile I was so afraid that we would end up like all of my other relationships, I could always feel when things where going bad but I never really listened to myself. With Rob I don’t feel that, everyday I am happy to see him and even when things are hard I can’t see myself leaving. I have learned a lot about myself in this time as well, I was lying so often before this is was becoming apart of who I was finally I am free of that. I hate lying now even just a little, I want to always be honest and fair.

I want to dance with him, rub my face on his neck, fell small as he hugs me in his arms, taste his warm lips, talk to him about video games and Naruto, get my butt beaten by him in dag (hopefully beat him someday to), tell him when I’m sad and have him be there for me no matter what is making me that way, have and take care of his troublemaking babies, all the rest of my life.

I’m never going to look back this is the right place for me Heather and Rob will always be my family. When the day comes where we can finally swear our lives together I will truly be the happiest I have ever been in my whole life.

Grumpa

So this morning around 4 am my grandpa passed away. He had a stroke in January and was recovering fairly well when last week he had another stroke. He was not waking up and after doing the MRI they find that it was a major stroke and they don't think he is going to wake up. When you talked to him he would squeeze your hand sometimes but he was not waking up and he had a to tube down his throat to keep him breathing. On Saturday after seeing how uncomfortable he was with the tube and the possibilities of him actually waking up where so bad my grandma, father, and aunt decided it was time to take the tube out. My grandpa and them all talked about the fact that he did not want to be kept alive with tubes and things after his last stroke that they knew this was what he wanted. The took the tube out and gave him and oxygen mask and a morphine drip to keep him calm and then it was just waiting.

After my mom called me to tell me that they where pulling the tube I started to cry it was to much to think that he was going to die. I had no idea what to do and how to feel. Rob came and held me well I cried, he also told me about how he felt when his grandfather died and it really helped me. I was so happy that I had him there, I never expected to have someone be there to support me.

The next few days where so hard waiting for the call, its not that I wanted him to die I wish that he would have woken up and been all better but the waiting was killing me. All I could think about was my grandma and family going back everyday to watch him slowly pass away I wanted to be there so bad to help them.

After my mom called at 4 I could not go back to sleep I just kept thinking about him so I got up and watched some crappy TV. I was fine numbing my brain until Rob came out to hug me in the morning and I just lost it a little bit. Telling him what happened made me think about it and thus tears and Chandra weeping. I don't know how I am going to be in the next couple of days I think I may end up losing it again, all day I have lost it in little spurts. I have never dealt with death before I really just don't know what will happen.

In a few weeks they are going to have a memorial service because my grandmother can't handle a funeral. Right now I am just trying to figure things out and I hope I can get some sleep tonight.

Crappy Cells

So I went to the doctor today and found out that I have precancerous cells on my Cervix. What this means is that I will have to have surgery to have the cells removed. It's an outpatient surgery so I don't have to stay overnight someone will have to drive me home, Rob will probably do that. I am optimistic that this will work, the doctor said that this should clear up all the bad cells. Afterwards I will be healing for about 4 weeks, which during that time nothing is supposed to go in the Vagoo area. Sadness for me. Then I have to go to the doc's after the 4 weeks, then 3 months later, then 6 months, then finally back to once a year. From now on they will have to keep track and make sure that everything is staying clear and clean.

I'm nervous I would be lying if I said I wasn't but I really do think that things are going to be ok.

Party

This week I went to my first Wine and Old Movies party and I had an amazing time. I was a little nervous because all the other people at the party I had never meet before except for the hosts. I ended up really liking all the people came, it was also nice to talk to some other poly people and see how things work for them. I really just hoped that I was not my normal over talky self and that they liked me. I loved getting to try some wines since I really don’t drink that much, at most once or twice a year.

I honestly don’t find alcohol that great most of the time it tastes crapy and does not really do much for me. When I do drink enough to get drunk I generally feel sick and am not that happy, the last time that happened is when I turned 20 I have never done that again. Rob and Heather came and picked me up not because I felt overly drunk more because of the mix of being sleepy and tipsy I did not want to take the chance. I ended up having a fight/discussion with Rob because of some misunderstandings between the both of us. I never realized how against drinking he is, he does not want to be like Dave in the sense that he tells what I can and can not do but he is not happy about me drinking. In the past he has had some bad experiences with drinking so he is very leery of anyone else doing it around him. We talked about it and came to an understanding, I can drink it’s my choice if I do but he can’t promise that he is going to be happy about it. I probably will not change my habits to much since I rarely drink anyways but I will take his feeling more in to consideration when we talk before I go.

I loved the party it was a real chance for me to meet new people and do something a little out of my norm, I hope I have the option to do something like this again.

Computer

So I really hate that I have no computer at home anymore, I understand that we don’t have any money to buy one at this time but it really sucks. For me the reason that it’s so important is that without it I have lost another bit of my freedom, before all I had to do was turn on my laptop and I could use it anywhere and anytime I want. Now I have to always worry if Heather is going to want to use the computer and I have to go downstairs away from everyone else. I am just frustrated that another piece of my freedom is gone, it’s no one’s fault but right now I feel like I have to fight for every bit of privacy and freedom I have in this house. I know that Rob and Heather have to feel the same way about something’s so I really do hope they understand my sometimes complaining about not having a computer.

I love my family but until we move to a place of our own I think I am going to be a little crazy about my stuff here.

Post Valentines

So tired I drove all over the place yesterday, no rest for the Chandra. I was nice because I got to talk to both my sister and my mother which I never seem to have time to. Rob also was really nice and took my sister and I to lunch and then my mom, sister and I to dinner later. I really wanted him to have a change to get to know my mother and he seemed like he liked her well enough, she even teased him a little it was very cute.

On the way to drive my mother home which is about and hour and a half drive we got to really talk about what is going on in our lives and how we feel about it. I have always been close to my mother; she has always made it clear that I could tell her anything which has really made me happy not having to hide my life. When Dave was unemployed and I was living with my parents one of the thing I really loved was coming home to my mother at night at talking about my day at work and hearing about her day at home. As much as I love living away from her I really miss those talks we had, I think she does too. She made me feel really good about my relationship with Rob, she is so understanding of the fact that I love him and that we really want to be together. She asked some questions on how the whole thing was working and how I though Heather was dealing with it. I realized as I was talking to her I have not really talked to Heather in a long time and I really needed to find sometime to do that.

The night before last I went out with my friend Autumn and it was just wonderful. Every time I go out with her I have an amazing time, I just love talking to her we have so much in common. I really needed that time to because I was feeling a little stressed since Heather came home I needed some time to vent and just think about something else. After we went to this wonderful sushi place that was classy but not overly we came back to her house and I just sat and talked to her and her husband Eric for an hour it was so great. They are great people to be around because they really have stuff to say it’s nice to talk about something other then what I normally talk about. I love talking to Rob, Heather, my sister and the rest of my family but it’s nice to do something different once and awhile.

Feeling wise I am doing ok, I really miss the calm freedom of last week but I am getting back into the swing of things. I really feel bad for being so whinny about something I accepted because I did, I said I would be ok with sharing but my head does not always listen to me. I just got so much attention last week that now I want it all the time, I also realize with Heather home that Rob is very affectionate with her but they are not as crazy as he and I are. This is not a bad thing mind you, it just makes me start to wonder if maybe I am to affectionate, because Rob is constant with his love only the girl he is around changes. I just love being around a person, holding and touching and just talking. We seemed happy so I guess it was not bad, I hate second guessing myself so I’m going to stop thinking about it.

Not Emo

I want to say that I write in this blog all the time no matter what my mood is but I honestly would be lying. I mainly write in this when I have something on my mind usually it’s when I am sad or mad, or just need to let things out.

So here goes, I’m happy really deep down happy. It has been so long since I have truly been this happy with things, sometimes I fell shell shocked as if I don’t know how this is supposed to feel. I find my self more inclined to be sad not because I don’t like being happy but I think just because I am so used to feeling sad.

Rob told me the other day that I act like an animal that has not gotten love or petting in a long time. I get so surprised when Rob will stroke my hand or kiss my head, with Dave he was just so cold sometimes, I really don’t think he meant to be it was just not something he did, especially in front of other people.

I am bringing this all up because yesterday Heather came home from her trip to visit her family and I was dreading it. I really like Heather otherwise I would not be in the situation I am in but after having such an amazing week with Rob I was not looking forward to things going back to the way they where. When Heather is around I feel like I play second place, most often it’s because I put myself in that place. I worry so much about making her fell left out or under loved that I purposely step back to give her that place. Being with Rob alone was so different, I felt like the atmosphere in the house was lighter. I was so loving and happy with Rob and I felt like I could say anything I wanted to him and not worry that Heather would be sad. Also when Heather is around her need to make sure everything in the house is always perfect at all times can be overwhelming. One of the things I really like about her is her ability to be so detailed and organized but sometimes I would love for her to just let it go for a little bit. I just feel like the way Rob and I act when she is around is so different, I don’t know what it is but it drives me nuts just a little bit.

Again I sort of got off subject I am writing this post about being happy it’s just taking me a minute to get there. So last night Rob came and tucked me into be, after 7 nights of sleeping with him I could not help but find myself tearing up as he hugged me. Rob asked me to please not cry and I promised that I would not, even though in my head I was thinking how can I not. So after he left I laid there for a bit and just tried to think how I was going to deal with all of this, because I was going to have to find someway or I was going to drive myself crazy. Then I just knew, it was such a little thing but I knew it would work. I had to realize that things where not always going to be perfect, that I was not going to be happy all of the time it was just not going to happen. Suddenly I was so much happier, I was still sad that I was going to have to sleep alone but I felt better knowing that it was ok for me to feel that way.

I am happy, I feel closer to Rob having gotten the change to experience life with him as just a couple and I also realized how happy I was that Heather was home. I missed her and I wanted her back in my life, as much as I sometimes have a hard time understanding why she does things I still like her and want her around. I loved getting some freedom with Rob I really did, I really needed to feel the closeness I was worried that we where lacking. Well I think I am done ranting for a little bit, the next post will probably be depressing and Emo but at least right now I’m happy.

Can’t Be Close Enough

I am so happy; things have not been this good in a very long time I really feel like my choice was a good one.

Heather is away for the week visiting her parents so Rob and I are on our own and it's really giving us a chance to connect again. With all the crap that has been going on in our lives we really just needed a moment to breath. I only wish that I could give Rob and Heather a week together alone so they can connect again too, maybe I will try and arrange something.

The last couple of nights we have just spent our evenings together watching TV and doing other household activities. Then we go to bed and just snuggle together, it feels so nice having someone in bed with me again knowing that they will be there all night to touch and hold if I want to.

When I am with him I just can't be close enough I just want to pull him into my skin and hold him there forever. The sense of love I feel for him is just growing so large that it's hard to hold sometimes. God I feel so sappy and silly but I really do feel this way and I would not give it up for anything. I just hope that this is going to be able to hold up to all the crap that is going to be happening in the next couple of months, I need it to.

Writing Frenzy

Well tonight I am just is a crazy writing frenzy, everything seems to be coming up. Just watched the Waitress and loved it so much, it has everything that I hate to love and was good at kicking me in every little button. If you every get the chance to see it I highly recommend it.

This was a hard day for me so many things just hit me upside the head and I can't help feeling like I may cry and I truly am sick of the crying but I am also sick of the things causing me to want to. I wish my brain would shut off and I could just not care for one moment how much I hate this and how I should be happy with what I have but I just can't seem to. I so have a lot but I just want to not feel like the biggest mean person around and right now that's how I feel and I just loath it. I am going to go have some pie then I am going to go to bed, then tomorrow I am going to see a movie with some friends who are not Rob and Heather and try to enjoy it. Then I will go to be probably cry my eye balls out and feel better for it, or maybe I will do that tonight not sure yet I guess I'm going to have to feel it out.

Things will get better I know and this to will pass but until then I hate everyone and everything for just a little while.

Really see Waitress if you can very good, night.

Baby Crap

Just want to say how much I hate crying over babies ever time I see them, every fucking time could so do without the crying and the knowing that it's going to be years and years and years before I can have one of my own if at all. That's it, that's all I have to say stupid baby crap.

Curse

So I realize that I am not being fair in all of this, I want us all to be happy and yet I get all dramatic when one of us is less then thrilled. I just really did not want to be in this place right now, I wanted things to stay good we had final gotten over all the big money crap. Yuck. My family jokes about this curse we have, we call it the Benoit curse it’s named after my mother’s father side of the family. The joke is that where every one of us (one of us being my direct family) goes the curse follows bringing bad things in it’s wake. We joke about it because we know bad stuff happens all the time and that it’s no fault of ours but right now it really feels like it is my fault. I come in to their perfectly put together life, they have a great setup they are starting to save money and think about buying a house all those things a couple does. Then I give them all new bills to deal with, jealousy, stress and it feels like I really just cause ruin.

Rob keeps telling me that it’s just the fact that this is like a new relationship and that during the start of all relationships you always have to go thru this stuff. I just can’t seem to get past the fact that I am just a big chore. I’m not leaving I just won’t, I just hate that it has to be this hard. I really picked a hard relationship to be in, I could have gone with a couple who was already into this kind off thing sharing and all that but NOOOOO I had to choose someone who’s wife can’t even comprehend kissing someone else let alone loving someone else. I know I whine but I love Rob I really don’t want another couple, even if this is hard. I hope things get better I don’t want to be waiting forever, I want this to be a till the end of our days thing so I hope Heather can decide if that is what she wants to because I really don’t want to go anywhere.

I have to chill a little, we have not even been at this for a year yet and I expect perfection. Most relationships don’t even get serious until a year has gone by, I have to remember that things may have been going on longer with Rob and I but Heather has really only be dealing with this since July. Well this little Pony is just going to raine herself in and let life come, we will get there we just need to take a little more time walking not running.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

So here I am thinking everything is going great, we all seem happy life has really started to hit it's grove, the big bills are behind us and we seemed to be taking some slow steps forward. Then Heather says see is feeling too jealous and that it's very hard for her to deal with that, she goes so far as to say that if it gets to bad she will leave so we can be happy together. The whole martyr syndrome, I hate to call it that but I have done that myself in the past so that is what it truly is. I knew this was not going to be easy, one step at a time, feeling as we go but I have to be honest at least to myself and say I am frustrated.

Rob and I have finally gotten our night together a few weeks ago and since then we have had two more. We where going for an every Friday sort of thing, just until Heather was comfortable and ready to give us some more time. Now Rob wants us to take some steps back, be less loving in public, not as much affection, I recommended maybe we should cut off Friday's all together for right now. What gets me about this is that it feels like we have already been going at this in a snails pace and now we have to slow it down even more. I am not being fair the rule in Poly is you have to go as fast as the slowest person but I can't help it. I fell like at some point you just have to say your going to live with it or don't that simple. I would hate for Heather to say she could no longer deal with it and she wanted me to leave but it would be better then this axe always hanging over my head. Right now I never know when it could happen and really it's scary enough in a new relationship to put your self completely in to loving a person and now I have this to think about. I'm afraid to give my whole heart if I have to worry about it being throw back in my face at any time.

I don't know what else to do, I will cut back give her the time and support that she needs. But this brings back a lot of fear for me and I don't know really what I am going to do about it, I guess the only think I can do deal, I have really fallen to deep into this really settled my heart on it. If it falls I fall too and I will have to just pick up the pieces and hope that I have not lost to many of them.

Somewhat at a Lose

So I am sort of at a lose here, things have been going well like really well. This last Friday Rob and I finally got our first night together, it was so nice having someone sleeping beside me again. I would roll over and be able to reach my hand out and touch him and hear his happy little sighs. Last night I was moving in my bed and I though oh man I pulled the blankets off of Rob when I looked I realized that he was not there, it only took me one night to start thinking like a women in a relationship. Now I am just waiting to find out if this is going to be a every week thing or if I am going to be waiting months again before I get to sleep with him again.

The next great thing that is happening in my life is Heather and I have joined a gym. To some this may not seem like such a good thing, but for me it's great. I am so ready to be healthy and thiner, I really feel like I am going to stick with it this time and that I am going to reach my goal. Going gives me a sense of confidence and pride, I really feel like I am finally doing something to help myself.

I am frustrated about one thing thought, I love Rob but sometimes he can be so callous. He is so loving towards me and Heather, he works so hard to make us both happy and deals with a lot of shit because of it. I just can't understand why he can't be that way with his friends too, sometimes he could really care less how other people feel. What bothers me is that this is one of the things I really hated about Dave, I tend to be a caring person and it drives me nuts to have to clean up the messes that are made because of it. I really like all my friends and I want them to be happy and when the person I am with treats them crappy I don't know what to do. No one is perfect I understand that and maybe he really did not mean to be callous, maybe he just got mad because I was bringing it up a lot and said he did not care but I just don't know. The problem I am having is I don't know if I really want to deal with this again, I hated that Dave was like that I was happy that I was done with that. Ug I don't know I think I am just going to have to deal with it for right now I am new with him maybe it won't be as bad as Dave and I can learn the best way to talk to him about it.

Well I am going to go to bed now so sleepy, love to all and happiness in all your lives.