Snuggling

So I spent the morning in bed with Rob. Snuggling, kissing, giggling, and talking about how much we loved each other. It was silly, lovely and I am so happy for the days that I get to do this. I feel like it reconnects me to him and recharges my love batteries, which over the days and weeks take a beating as normal life grinds away at it.

We talked about the children we plan to have, what we want to name them and what we think they will look like. I think the boy is going to have slightly curly brown hair, and the little girl with have really curly red hair. What every they will look like they will be smart and funny and full of sass. Once they get old enough I know Rob is going to teach them all sorts of tricks to play on their moms and how to look the cutest when they are in trouble. We even talked about having them take fencing classes when they are old enough.

I’m so happy I had this morning I will glory in it for as long as I can :)

Thanksgiving

I’m thinking about Thanksgiving and I’m nervous. I love that I am going to get to be with Heather and Rob but it’s the rest of the family that I am worried about. Last year I went to Heathers sisters house for their family Thanksgiving and Heather has invited me to go along again this year. I’m worried that her family is starting to wonder what I’m doing, they know I’m getting divorced and that I live with Heather and Rob but that’s about it. I think that they are asking questions as to why I keep coming to family functions and why I have not moved on. Soon I think they are going to figure out that something strange is going on.

I keep thinking that we will have to tell them someday but as more and more time passes I am seeing that day coming closer and closer. Within a year or two they are going to know something’s up if I am still living with them and I don’t have a boyfriend.

I don’t know the timeline to this stuff, when do we start telling people. My parents know, Rob and Heather’s don’t. Most of our friends know but Dave does not. I know he is my soon to be ex but what happens after he finds out could be bad if he gets mad. He could decide to tell everyone, and we can go around saying it’s lies but people are going to put two and two together and eventual come up with the answer.

Maybe I am stressing to much about this stuff, I am just going to be happy that I get to be with my loved one for this holiday and look forward to when everyone knows and we can rest easy.

Rambling

I fell better knowing that I can make love to him. Everything can be so hard but when I am with him holding him it all seems so unimportant. All my life sex has seemed to be a guard for me a safe place I think that’s why I have clung to it so strongly. It’s not like I have had a horrible life but I think some things have shaped me more then I can understand.

Sara is a big part of it, I need to be close to someone because of her. I have always had her near and felt her love, annoyance, anger, happiness everything I can’t live without it. I think if I had to live on my own I would eventually crumble, I need to be with someone I have had that my whole life. I think at first I was filling my life with men that would do that for me fill my need of love and I don’t think I ever really thought about the choice I just did it. Now I think for the first time I am really thinking, using my brain to see Rob and all the things he represents. In some ways he has forced me to do that for so long I looked at my behavior and said it’s ok I can’t help it people have to understand that. What I have come to see is that yes they understand but that does not mean that it does not hurt them. He made me see things in my self that I needed to change, he helped me to realize that I had to do something’s on my own. I hope that I have been able to change him in some good way, or to see himself or the world in a different way.

All I know is that right now I fell like I am new. I feel lost in him and life and love. Living in our home being with Heather and him give me so much joy. I bitch and complain about little things but I don’t think I have ever been happier. All my bills are paid on time, I have a nice clean room and house to live in and lots of friends. When I get to sleep with him, it’s such a small bed and sometimes I fell hot or he steals the blankets and I’m cold or I’m squished on the edge of the bed. But even because of all of that I would not give it up I love having him laying there, felling his warm fighting for the blankets, snuggling up to him. The way he looks at me sometimes is so amazing, he looks as if he loves me so so much, cherishes me even.

All of this is a little bit ramble but it all just sort of came out and I wanted to let it.