Sometimes I just don't feel like me, like one second I know who I am and the next I just feel like I'm walking in a fog. I'm 26 and I feel so very young but I don't know how else I should feel I keep waiting for the day I will grow up but I just can't see it coming. I feel like I'm in love but I'm scared that I'm just walking down a dead end road, who am I, what made me think this was the right thing.
My grandfathers death made me think of so many scary things, like what would I do if Rob died? My grandfather is never going to see my children, where will I go for Christmas and Thanksgiving? How soon will it be before I have to worry about my parents, If Heather dies before Rob and I will we make it together alone?
At the memorial service they had a table set up with some of my grandfathers things, the hardest thing for me to look at was the coffee cup and saucer, the little spoon resting on the side. It was such a staple of who he was every time I saw him he had a cup of coffee at one point or another. Here's what his life came down to for me that little cup of coffee, I would never see him drink it again or even just hold it. He really is dead. So much was poured into that stupid cup for me and I just don't know how to think about it or handle it. I keep thinking that this should not be a big thing I should be able to move on but I just can't seem to put it away. I say I am but I'm not, I want to be strong but I'm just not.
Deep down I'm tired, I know everyone else is too it's just that I try so hard to pretend I'm not. I bitch to my friend and she listens but why does it have to wait so long, why can't I just say I hate this I don't want to be careful I don't care what other people think. I know it's because I do I don't want to hurt the ones I love but so much is riding on one little step. Journal's are for bitching I would not have them any other way.
I hate that their here too, it totally cuts into our life and the way we live. It's there house but I want to be gone, well and truly away so we don't have to play hidey games and who will say honey first by accident and have to explain it.
The I go and watch a movie "Juno" which I find I truly love and of course I cry because it's about a teenager having a baby and what do movie's about babies do to me? The same thing they do every time Pinky they make me cry. I can't kick it no surrey bob. Babies on my mind all the time sweet little pink things. I want to be the one all sweaty and crying holding the baby in my arms that I just pushed out my girl part. I want to smell it's amazing little head and count its many little fingers and toes, I want to look up into Rob's face and see tears in his eyes as he looks at his baby, for gods sake I would take him just smiling like an idiot if he does not want to cry.
I'm also sick of myself and sex, for once in my life I don't want to think about it all the time. I love it and it is very much a part of me but I just want it off my brain for a little bit. Who am I sex girl, doing and thinking of nothing else. Ug I want sex so bad right now but I also don't know if it's just me thinking that but my body really just does not care.
Maybe I just want this chapter to end already and the new one to start, no more dilly dally. The show must go on and all that crap, bring on the stage hands to strike the set. I need to lay on my new bedroom floor in my bare feet and just smell the air and know it's mine. I need for Rob to lay next to me even though he thinks I'm a nut because he understands how I feel that this is a new life for me something amazing that we are making together, with love, children, friendship, and long days to look forward to. Closing my eyes and letting the silliness of it just slip away and just being there and feeling that shift as things finally go down the right course, that it what I want.
Remember these are just words, they are truths but not ones to bury yourself with. Ramblings of a late night Chandra and her crazy pink skull filled mind.
No comments:
Post a Comment