Idiot

So my mothers Ongologist is a goddam idiot. He told her that everything came back clean on her tyroid tests and that there was no cancer. He then sent her to get some radiation to make sure nothing was left. The radiation people took it on themselves to look at all her lab test and slides from the test and found some intresting results. She does have cancer pretty widespread within her uterus and her Cervix. They said if the doctor had looked at even one of her slides he would have seen it. They also said that if they had done the small amount of radiation that the doctor wanted to have done she would have did in a matter of years.

How fucking retarted can you be, it's your job to look for cancer and you could not even look at one goddam slide! I am so so mad, so mad like steaming mad. When my mom saw him he would not even touch her or give her a physical exam, she said he was very standofish.

I am just so......

Heart

I have missed Rob a lot the last couple of months. It's not like he is away a lot or anything it's just that he has seemed so unlike himself. I miss the man that he was, silly, goofy, antagonistic, playful, happy, and here. The last couple of months have been hard so much has happened and it seems to have taken a lot of the life out of him. I wish there was something we could do to bring that life back. I don't know if he needs to go away for a bit to get some time on his own to refresh himself, or there are just things that need to be settled before life can go on. I think that in some ways he is never going to be the same man, I think to much has happened for him to be able to go back completely to the carefree man he was.

I love him now as I loved him before but I just miss seeing the light in his eyes. I want to hold him and see him get better, but I know it's not going to happen.

I feel tired too, just so worn out. I know some of it has to do with the baby but I know that a lot of emotional stuff is wearing me out too. I don't know if in some ways this is my fault, I had this vision in my head of how it should be when I got pregnant and what is happening now is not it. I thought I would have time to relax and get ready for what is coming, I thought everything would be nice and calm after the initial freak out. Everything is so crazy, I still don't know how Heather truly feels about this and even if I ask her I don't think I will ever get her true inner answer. She is not going to tell her family and I think this will end up being a mistake I know this is her choice but I think it's going to bite us in the butt. So much is going to change in the next few months and I would just like to know how everyone is going to handle it. I know it's not going to be easy but it would be nice to have a general idea that everyone is willing to stick it out with this and not cut and run, and right now I am not sure of that.

I just want to see everyone happy again in my little family, I miss the joy we used to have in our house. I thought this baby would bring more happiness but with everything being so fucked up because of other things it feels like it has just been buried. It feels so empty I just want our heart back.