A Different World

Since Ellie has been born I have been looking at the world differently.  I see things as she would see them for the first time, clean and fresh.  Things I had not taken the time to see or feel have really gotten my attention in the past months.  Like the stickiness of yogurt, how fun it is to paint with.  How the sun looks on the carpet and how warm and interesting it feels on your hand.  The feeling of water as you run your fingers thru it, how fascinating it is to watch the water drops as they come out of the shower head.  I missed these thing while rushing around in my crazy adult world and having Ellie has really given me the chance to look at them again.

Right after I had Ellie I found myself crying over the stupidest things, sappy commercials, songs on the radio, even books that I read to her.  It has slowly started to pass but I find I still cry more often then I ever did before.  At first I thought it was because of lingering hormones but now I think not.  I'm seeing the world and the things that are happening in it in a different way now.  Before when I would see something about a family losing a mother or a child on TV I would be sad but now I cry.  I know why because now I am seeing Ellie in everything, how she would feel if these things happened to her or how I would feel.  Sometimes it is so overwhelming, thinking of losing her makes me tear up even now.  My world is forever altered it can never be the same, I can never see it with the callousness that I did as a single person.  When you are on your own all you really have to worry about is you, if you die yes your family will miss and love you but your impact is still minimal.  But when you have a child your death would take a piece of their world from them.  I hope that my daughter never has to leave without me or Rob in her life.

I also see the joyful things as well, the sharing of food, playing in the grass, talking in the car about her day, watching beloved movies for the first time, showing her books that I hope she will love, seeing what her favorite color is, watching her smile at me for the first time, seeing her hug her father and hearing her tell me that she loves me for the first time.  I never want to live in a world without Ellie.