Waiting

I am very tired and I would like nothing more then to go to bed and get some sleep but I really have to write this down right now. I am feeling a lot of things right now, it's so hard for everything to be this way so much is just spinning in my head. The waiting is killing me, slowly and surely I am getting eaten alive. I am putting myself out completely, but it's the only way I can be maybe I should of held back but I just can't be that way. What is making this so hard is that there is no plan for me if this goes bad I am out on my butt, and you know a lot of that is my own making.

I have to wait, test the waters and see if the boat will float and if it does it will be the best thing in the world, the absolute best. But if the boat sinks I have no life boat, I have to swim to shore I will but it's going to be by my own ability with no one's help or support.

I just want a choice made now, no more waiting knowing that any day, everyday it could be over. I don't want to be a snot but I have the most to lose, I will lose everything. I will have myself and that's fine but I might as well move at that point because I can't stay here I will really have no one. I want to be strong and say that I could handle this that I am a grown up and thus I will be able to go on but I will be so broken so very broken and that thought just makes me cry siting here typing.

I am taking one day at a time this is just a weak moment for me and sadly I have no one to turn to at this particular time to help me so this blog has to be it. I love my life I love the people in it everyone so so much but I needed to get this out. Please I am going to go on and step into the new day stronger and happier thinking of all the good right now in my life and holding to that so don't let this give you the wrong idea.

I'm going to go to bed now probably cry for a little bit, but tomorrow I will wake up and think nothing of this and be the better for it.