Wearing Thin

With everything that is happening with my sister and my mother it’s really making me think about my life. I worry how much time I have and where I am going. I want children desperately and up till now I have been putting off really trying but I think it’s time I start. I don’t know how long I will be able to have children PICOS makes it harder and harder for you to get pregnant the older you get. Plus I want my mother to be around when I have my children, and if this cancer turns out to be bad I don’t know how long she will be here.

I’m scared, really really scared I’m not ready to loss both my mother and twin sister. This has really made me look at myself, I’m going to sit down with Heather and Rob and tell them what I want in my life. We do not have to make all the changes now but I think it’s time that I get it out in the open so we can move in that direction. I want to have equal nights, I want to have this Commitment Ceremony, I want to have children, I want us to all be talking about our relationship every month, I want to let Rob’s family know if not Heathers so that when I have children they can be involved. I would also like to go forward with trying to go to school so that I can have an actual career and be able to make my own hours. So that hopefully when I have children I will be able to stay home with them. I want to be a stay at home mom until my children are going to kindergarten, then I’m happy to go back to work.

I think the things I am asking for are reasonable requests and if they are not then we can work it out I just need to do something. I have really been letting things stagnate and it’s time to actually make some progress. Plus some other things need to be decided as well, it has already been to long and it’s getting to be dangerous.

I’m really hoping that the counselor can help me get things straight in my head, she was very friendly and nice and seemed to be ok with me being in a poly relationship. I want to try and get my sister to go see one as well she could really use the help, things are wearing on her pretty bad.

Ceremony

Sometime in May of next year Rob and I will be having a commitment ceremony. I have wanted to do this for awhile but we have held off until I was divorced and Heather was more comfortable with our relationship. I am divorced as of June; all we need now is to know if Heather is comfortable with what is going on. We had not told Heather right away about our plan for the ceremony, not because we where trying to hide it but because we wanted to get some details nailed down before we brought it up. Sadly she found out about it thru no ones fault and was upset. She was mad that she had to hear about it from a third party instead of from us. This does not help our case, I really want her to be ok with this but I’m not sure if she will be. After she found we sat down and talked about it a bit but Heather just continued to read her fan fiction on her laptop and “ahh” and “hum” from time to time. I don’t think she really thought about it at all, I know this is hard for her but I don’t know what to do. We will sit down again in a month or so and hopeful other things will have been taken care of and we can really get down to talking about our relationship.

I am thinking that it will be outside maybe in the park near our house, it’s really beautiful there. If it’s to cold outside it will most likely be in our apartment, or maybe somewhere else depending how the next few months pan out. We have asked a friend to officiate and he is thinking about it but he wants to make sure he is not stepping on anyone’s toes.

I really want this to happen, I feel like in need this to give me a more stable feeling in our relationship. We are supposed to be a family, Rob is not just dating me I live with them and we are going to be together forever. I want something to link me that way even if it’s just promises made to each other forever remembered by a ring and a day each year to celebrate.

Three

Last week my mom had her uterus removed, she has been having bleeding issues for a long time so this was something she has been trying to have done forever. Today she went and had her staples taken out and to have a general check up and the doctors wanted to talk to her about some of the tests they do automatically when they do this kind of surgery. They found Cancer stage 2. When my mother heals from this surgery they are going to remove her cervix as well. I was so surprised that I did not think to ask my mom more questions, we where on the phone so it was a limited conversation. She does not seem scared about any of this which I think was shat surprised and stunned me so much.

I don’t know how to react, I’m scared and stunned. I want to know more information from my mother, I’m not sure if with removing her uterus and cervix that will make her cancer free or not. I don’t know if she is going to have to go in for some kind of treatments. I don’t know anything.

This comes on top of the fact that the disease that caused my twin sisters kidneys to fail the first time is back. They are going to be doing some treatments with her and they hope that they can flush it out of her system. So far the Kidney I gave her is not failing but if this does not work who knows.

I don’t know how to feel about all this on top of everything else that I am stressing over right now it’s really mind blowing. I feel like nothing is wrong right now, scared of course but that’s it. I worry what this could mean for me and I’m happy that I am going to see my doctor this month so I can talk to her about what is going on and see if there are any tests they can run to see if anything is wrong with me.

Life can never be simple and it’s so true that trouble always comes in three’s. Tonight I just want to grab Rob and have him hold me for a little while, I just want to smell him and touch him basically anchor myself to him for some time.