A Girl

A girl once said to a boy. "Do you like me?"
He said "no."
The girl said "Am I pretty?"
He said "no."
She finally said "If I walked away would you cry?"
The boy said "no"
Having heard enought the girl turned away, the boy stoped her and said.
"I don't like you I love you, Your not pretty your beautiful, and if you walked away I would not cry I would die."

Sex Revisited

I knew I would come back to this subject at some point, I guess now is a good time. So sex has changed for me of course mainly because I am no longer with my husband, we are not divorced yet but we no longer spend any time together. Thus no sex. Most people know why I am getting a divorce, my husband says its because I cheated on him and in part he is right I did cheat on him but that is not the true reason.

For years he has ignored my needs sexually and emotionally, he can be very callus when it comes to someone else's feelings. I am a very free thinking wife I told him he could sleep with other women as long as our marriage did not suffer from it. It did, he would be all for sleeping with these girls but when it came time for me to ask he would most times say no. When we did have sex it was usually short and most of the times it was giving him a blow job, which by the end I was happy doing since it was quicker and less disappointing then sex. Emotionally it was hard we lived with my parents for two years because he lost his job and most of the time he was jerky and none caring. I understand part of the he was depressed but he was not even trying to find a job, as much as he hated being in my parents house he loved not having to work. It was so hard for me, he did not listen to what I had to say and he would always just give in never really give his point. Plus the baby thing was a big deal to me, I have wanted a baby for so long and he really just kept putting me off. He told me once he found a job or we got our own place we would start trying, so he got a job and we got our own place and what did he say.... not yet.

Ug enough with that, this is about sex. So as I said I cheated on my husband, it happens most of the time when things are bad in your marriage. But the man I cheated with oh was he good with the sex oh so good. I have not been with a lot of men, three to be correct but this one oh god was he a keeper. He really knows how everything goes and how to really make you go that extra mile. The best think about him I would have to say is the kissing he kisses so well, just the right amount of tongue and oh so nice lips. I liked feeling every time like I was kissing for the first time, he gave that to me. He also helped me bring back my aggressive side when it came to sex, I had been hiding that for far to long.

For all of this there was a great deal of love there as well, when I was with him I felt better. Right now that's what I could really use, I want to feel comfort. Arms wrapped around me, gentle kisses on my neck, I want to feel that all night long. I am sick to death of being alone at night it is killing me ever so slowly, I need that closeness and yet its so far for me. I want sweet gentle loving sex, with passion behind it that is what I crave at this point. I'm being silly I know it I love sex, all kinds of sex but for some reason right now what I want most is just love and if I can get that with sex too, yippee.

Zombie LARP

So Friday, and Saturday I went to a zombie LARP and it was so much fun even without the Zombies. The whole thing was being run by my sister and her husband, the whole point is that you would be fighting zombies at night with boffers and Nerf guns. So it's looking like its going to be really cool everyone has neat outfits and amazing weapons, then my sister passes out. I am with my two friends at Wally world getting the last of the stuff we need when I get the call. Sara my sister has passed out she is being taken to the hospital and that we should go to the land for the LARP and stay there. I sigh because on Wednesday I passed out at work from a pretty vicious flu and am taken to the hospital, so I worry that I have made my poor sister sick.

So we all go back to the land and everyone is there and we are trying to figure out what to do while we are waiting. We decide that we are going to do Nerf wars around the the camp site and and old trailer on the land. We have a blast, running around shooting the other team, having sieges on the trailer. In the end it was a fantastic time with out killing one zombie, we are so going to have to do it again.

Oh my sister is fine, she was just taken of some meds to early and that caused her blood presure to go to high and she passed out. She got back tierd but happy and we hung out for alittle bit before we went home.

Thursday

Thursdays are important to me they are my day to do what I want. I can drive anywhere I want to, sit around the house watching movies, or hang out and do things with the people I want. Today was Thursday I had a great time I went shopping with a friend then got a nice massage and then came home to rest and eat some dinner with more friends. All of this was great but one person I wanted to spend time with I could not, this is my normal day with them and yet the time I needed was not able to be given. I am not complaining I understand I was doing something else and so where they but I don't know I sort of wanted to see them and get those moments together.

I love the people who are around me right now, everyone I care about is here but I still feel a little sad. I have come to think of Thursdays as a special day and yet today I still had fun but I wanted to be with this person more. I am going to stop going on about this it's stupid and I know it, its late I'm tired and I am feeling silly and girly. I will be fine, happiness will abound in the me again it's not like I had a bad day. I will get a good nights rest and hopefully I will wake up less silly and with another Thursday to look forward to.

Silly Quiz

Basics:
Name:	Chandra
Date of Birth:	November 7, 1981
Birthplace:	Rochester
Current Location:	Buffalo
Eye Color:	Hazel
Hair Color:	Drak brown red
Height:	5'10"
Heritage:	French
Piercings:	Ears 6 Gage
Tattoos:	One Pony on the back of my neck
Favourite:
Band/Singer:	Regina Spektor
Song:	Samson
Movie:	Anything M. Night Shamalon
Disney Movie:	Beauty and the Beast
TV show:	Heroes
Color:	Purple
Food:	Ice Cream
Pizza topping:	Peperoni
Ice-Cream Flavor:	Mint Chocolate
Drink (alcoholic):	Mikes hard leminade
Soda:	Diet Pepsi
Store:	Torrid
Clothing Brand:	Lane Bryant
Shoe Brand:	Nike
Season:	Fall
Month:	October
Holiday/Festival:	Halloween
Flower:	Rose
Make-Up Item:	Blush
Board game:	Clue
This or That
Sunny or rainy:	Rainy
Chocolate or vanilla:	Chocolate
Fruit or veggie:	Fruit
Night or day:	Night
Sour or sweet:	Sweet
Love or money:	Love
Phone or in person:	In Person
Looks or personality:	Personality
Coffee or tea:	Tea
Hot or cold:	Cold
Your:
Goal for this year:	Get through it
Most missed memory:	Times spent with my friends in high school
Best physical feature:	Smile
First thought waking up:	Lily stop pating my head (cat)
Hypothetical personality disorder:	Fear of commitment
Preferred type of plastic surgery:	Breast Lift (When I'm old)
Sesame street alter ego:	Elmo
Fairytale alter ego:	Belle (Can't help it I love to read)
Most stupid remark:	Pop the pump hole
Worst crime:	I know but no one else needs to
Greatest ambition:	Sing
Greatest fear:	That I'll be alone
Darkest secret:	Yuck great deals of stupidness
Favorite subject:	Books
Strangest received gift:
Worst habit:	I talk over people sometimes
Do You:
Smoke:	No
Drink:	Yes
Curse:	Yes so do
Shower daily:	Yes
Like thunderstorms:	Oh Yes
Dance in the rain:	When I can
Sing:	Yes
Play an instrument:	Nope a little piano I guess
Get along with your parents:	Yes
Wish on stars:	Not much anymore
Believe in fate:	Yes
Believe in love at first sight:	Yes...... sigh
Can You:
Drive:	Yes
Sew:	A little, a very little buttons mainly
Cook:	Ah some
Speak another language:	Tiny amount of Spanish and Japanesse
Dance:	Yes but for fun
Sing:	Yes one of my favorite things
Touch your nose with your tongue:	Nope
Whistle:	Yup
Curl your tongue:	Nope
Have You Ever:
Been Drunk:	Yes was fun
Been Stoned/High:	Nope
Eaten Sushi:	Yes
Been in Love:	Yes, many times
Skipped school:	Yes
Made prank calls:	Nope
Sent someone a love letter:	Yes
Stolen something:	Yes sadly
Cried yourself to sleep:	Yes far too many times
Other Questions:
What annoys you most in a person?	Not knowing when they are doing something annoying or dumb.
Are you right or left handed?	Right Handed
What is your bedtime?	2:00 am
Name three things you can't live without:	Glasses, books, and My twin sister
What is the color of your room?	White
Do you have any siblings?	Yes twin sister and older brother
Do you have any pets?	Yes 2 cats
Would you kill someone you hate for a million dollars?	No way, never
What is you middle name?	Rae Anne
What are you nicknames?	Crab, Racoon, and Pony
Are you for or against gay marriage?	So for
What are your thoughts on abortion?	Womens Choice
Do you have a crush on anyone?	Nope
Are you afraid of the dark?	Yes sometimes
How do you want to die?	With the people I love
What is the largest amount of popsicles that you have eaten on one day?	Way to many to count
Would you take a bullet for the one you love?	Yes I sure would
What is the last law you’ve broken?	Um stealing
In a Member of the Opposite Sex:
Hair color:	Red
Eye color:	Hazel
Height	Taller then me
Weight	Anything just as long as they are happy with their weight
Most important physical feature:	Eyes and lips
Biggest turn-off	Telling me what to do
Take this survey or other MySpace Surveys at PimpSurveys.com

Future

I have been thinking about my future a lot lately, less about the good and bad and more about what is going to happen. I wonder where will I be in 10 years, I'm 25 now that will put me at 35 years old. Will I be married again, have children, and be living in the same state? I hope that I have kids by then I always really wanted to have kids while I was young so I could enjoy my youth with them. As for being married I guess I really hope that I am with somebody, I would hate to be all alone at 35 years old. I want someone to hold my hand when I walk in the park, to tease me while we sit on the couch at night. I want to sit with him as I watch our child play in the park, see his face full of pride as our son or daughter draws their first picture or rolls their first die (sorry gamer reference).

I mainly just want to be happy, I know that not everything will be perfect, life is never perfect but happy is still doable. My life has taken tons of turns in the last couple of months and not all of them in the directions I would have thought but I really think its going to go well. I have a lot of hope as of late and I am trying not to let my silly girlyness get in the way.

The thing that is making me the happiest is that I am really starting to feel good about myself. As a teen I always looked at my self and said I was too large or fat. Now I realize I was really thin back then I was just larger in my frame and height then most of the girls in my school. Now I am chubby but people in my life have helped me come to look at myself as beautiful even sexy. I would love to be thinner for my health and well being but it's not something I look at as being the end of the world any more.

I really think my life is going to be happy and that I am going to be surrounded by people who love me. I know I still have a lot of bumps in the road to get through before that happens but things really seem to be going in the direction of a great deal of happiness.

It's Time

I finally realized it's time that I stop worrying and really just put myself in and let go. I don't want to worry anymore I'm just going to take the time to think about the happiness that comes with this. I'm happy so happy I think that I have not been in this good a mode in a very long time.

It's sad that someone had to sit me down and basically tell me to stop looking at the sad stuff. I always thought I was a happy person but I guess lately I have really been letting my self get down. I know that I have a lot of stuff that's coming down the line that might be really hard but I am just going to take it as it comes. I'm going to be happy with what I have and really just focus on the people I love and the good things in my life.

Done, Finished, Over

I am just so tired I really just want everything to be settled. I want to get my divorce over I want to pay the lawyer sign the damn papers and be on my god damn way. I hate the dragging out the worrying about how to file, who looks bad and who does not. What the hell does it matter it’s ending only me, him, and the lawyer are going to see the papers. I don't want to screw him I want this to be fast and clean and over.

I also just want to know what the heck is happening in my life after all this crap. I want to know I have a place to live and call my own. Sometimes it really looks like things are going to take a step forward but then I feel like I take a big leap back. There is one big hurdle in the way and I am having more and more doubts that it’s going to be gotten over. God I want hope and faith to be strong enough for me but I have had to live my whole life planning for what to do next. Now here I am completely with out a back up plan and I am scared as hell, I don't want to be left blind. I don't know how to deal with this I just want to be with someone I love why does that have to be so fucking hard.

Then there is the whole baby thing that's a nice little melodrama for me. I want so badly to have a child, with my whole heart and yet it's looking like that is just not going to happen. I told my husband before I got married that I wanted a baby and he said he understood. Yet 4 years passed and every time I was told we should wait make sure we are ready. You can never be ready you just have to do it, take the leap have the baby. Now here I am again going ahead unsure of if I will ever have a baby, I don't want to give up this dream. But I might have to give up this dream to have another I'm not sure what choice I will make. I don't want my life to be empty of the feeling of baring and raising a child that is mine and the person I love. I want that baby that child completely of my love, I want to raise them and help them be a good person in this world.

Tattoo 2

It's done and it looks amazing, I think that at some point I will get color with it but for right now it's fine.

I am so happy that I did this it makes me so happy to have done something that I have always said I would do. Well here is a pic of it, hope everyone likes it because I so do.

Hold Me

I never knew how much the words "Hold Me" could mean to me. When you’re going through a divorce you’re losing something, someone you put a lot of your life and soul into. It hurts a lot, even if your feelings for this person or this life are different no longer as strong. I'm finally letting go and I never realized how hard and how sad I would be. I thought I was done I thought I did not care but I was really so very wrong. You never stop caring about the people you loved it just can't work that way too much of your self is still with them. As much as this hurts I know I needed to feel this way, its part of me moving on.

The hardest part for me is the longing to be held, to feel someone holding you in their arms knowing that they love you. At night I lay alone my arms wrapped around a pillow and sometimes the loneliness is too much for me. I wonder around my sister’s apartment watching crappy videos on You tube or looking at her many books. Then I try to lie down again and not think of how much I miss the warmth of someone I love beside me. I try not to let it get to me but I'm so sad and I feel so alone, I know it's my fault but I can't help it. So many people are here for me loving me but at night when I'm finally alone all I long for is to say those much used for words "Hold Me" and have someone do it.

Tattoo

I'm going to be getting a tattoo tomorrow I am super excited the first one I ever got. Here is a pic of what it will look like when it's done I will post a pic of it done. I really hope that it looks nice it's going to be the pony in black not the girl. It's going to be on the back of my neck I really can't wait see how it comes out.