Done, Finished, Over

I am just so tired I really just want everything to be settled. I want to get my divorce over I want to pay the lawyer sign the damn papers and be on my god damn way. I hate the dragging out the worrying about how to file, who looks bad and who does not. What the hell does it matter it’s ending only me, him, and the lawyer are going to see the papers. I don't want to screw him I want this to be fast and clean and over.

I also just want to know what the heck is happening in my life after all this crap. I want to know I have a place to live and call my own. Sometimes it really looks like things are going to take a step forward but then I feel like I take a big leap back. There is one big hurdle in the way and I am having more and more doubts that it’s going to be gotten over. God I want hope and faith to be strong enough for me but I have had to live my whole life planning for what to do next. Now here I am completely with out a back up plan and I am scared as hell, I don't want to be left blind. I don't know how to deal with this I just want to be with someone I love why does that have to be so fucking hard.

Then there is the whole baby thing that's a nice little melodrama for me. I want so badly to have a child, with my whole heart and yet it's looking like that is just not going to happen. I told my husband before I got married that I wanted a baby and he said he understood. Yet 4 years passed and every time I was told we should wait make sure we are ready. You can never be ready you just have to do it, take the leap have the baby. Now here I am again going ahead unsure of if I will ever have a baby, I don't want to give up this dream. But I might have to give up this dream to have another I'm not sure what choice I will make. I don't want my life to be empty of the feeling of baring and raising a child that is mine and the person I love. I want that baby that child completely of my love, I want to raise them and help them be a good person in this world.