Baby Bug

So the baby bug has bitten me pretty bad lately, I dream about them, I see them everywhere, and I can't stop thinking about them. For right now I am just going to post how I feel, I will post facts later in this message.

I long for a baby, seriously so. I ache, every time a see a father playing with his son or a mother holding her baby it makes me tear up. I mean every time, I can't be walking by with out trying to rush so they don't see the creepy longing look I have. When I hold my sisters baby I just glory in the scent of her, the sweet feel of her skin, the amazing noises she makes. The worst part is that I almost feel like she is partly mine since my sister and I are identical twins which makes our DNA the same. My heart skips a beat when I see her smile and I think of the days I will get to spend with her as she grows up *sniffle*. Griffin is another hardship for me, he is such an amazing little boy I love when he brings me a book and sits in my lap so I can read it to him. I just play with his cute toddler hair and read to him as I remember him as a baby. I used to hold him and sing to him when he was so tiny, I remember when he feel asleep on my chest and I wanted to lay like that forever.

So many years have gone by for me and I have longed for a child for so long. I told my husband that we would wait 2 years after getting married then we would start trying for a child, we got married in 2003. 2005 came and went no trying for a baby my husband had no job and we where living with my parents, 2006 no baby still no job and living with parents. My husband promised that when he got a job or an apartment we would start to try, got a job and an apartment still no baby. He told me he wanted to wait for a little longer,2007 then the big D and all thoughts of baby flew out the window. I will say one of my big sticking points for maybe staying was the possibility of a baby, but in the end that was not enough to make me stay.

I yearn for a baby so much I dream of them constantly, mainly its me searching for a baby I know is mine but can't find it's really hard to deal with the damn dreams. I have wanted children since I was 18 and I have thought about them on and off all along so many different paths could have led me to them but I have always chosen a different one.

Now for annoying reality, I know I have lots of time I am only just going to be 26 so I have time to spare. My life is really not set up for a baby right now, I have no real home, I am still not divorced and most important of all the new relationship that I am in is really not equipped to deal with it right now. Really I need the time to settle in an really make sure everything is ok before I move forward.

BUUUUUUUUT try and tell my brain and heart that, you will have about as much luck as I do. All I can think is that its probably going to be a least another 2 years before I can even think of starting to try and I will be 28 then the trying. It is not going to be easy for me to have kids I know already, I have weird cycles and my twin sister was the same as me her husband and her tried for three years and just had a baby. So lets say three years of trying now I'm 31, then I want two kids so if we start right away say another three years now I'm 34. I know I have to wait but thinking of all that time kills me, a little piece of me dies when I see friends and family get pregnant and I am still just staring after them longly.

I really don't know what to say I hope this bug leaves me soon because I really don't think I can handle all this sucky wanting, I have to deal with it and honestly sometimes I don't want to.